Hello everyone, I am the family education instructor Guo Ma~
How does it feel to be halfway through the excitement?
01 "Why is my relationship with my child becoming more and more estranged?"
Bao's mother Xiaoyu consulted Guo's mother: "Why is my relationship with my child becoming more and more estranged?"
A very general question.
Xiaoyu said: "My daughter used to buy me milk tea and bring flowers, but now she goes home and doesn't say a word to me." ”
The milk tea I bought was a new one at that time, and I had to queue for a long time.
The flowers I brought were a bouquet of carnations I bought for my mother on Mother's Day.
What a good thing, it shows that the daughter has her mother in her heart.
Therefore, Guo's mother asked, "How did you answer your daughter when you received these gifts?"
The answer surprised Guo's mother, but when she thought of the current relationship between the mother and daughter, it was expected.
When I bought milk tea, my mother said: "There is saccharin in milk tea, so you can't drink it often!" You have time to queue up, it is better to memorize more words, your English score has dropped by 3 places!"
I bought a carnation, my mother said: "This flower will fail in a few days, and it is so expensive to buy at this time, it is better to use this money to buy some study materials!"
Why is the relationship between mother and child getting farther and farther apart?
Because, when the daughter gave it to her mother, her mother did not accept it, nor did she praise it.
After a long time, there is no encouragement, and the daughter is not willing to get close to her mother again, after all, everything she does is wrong, and it has to be related to learning.
It's like: I'm talking to you about feelings, you have to talk to me about money.
The collision of sensibility and rationality has also lost the feelings and relationships between parents and children.
We can't say that what Mom said was wrong, but it really wasn't appropriate to say it at that moment.
02 Our surroundings are full of "low-level encouragement"
Remember when you were in love?
The girl is angry, and the boy: "I was wrong!"
Girl: "What's wrong with you?"
Boy: "Where you say I'm wrong, I'm wrong." ”
Not being distracted is an important reason why a relationship is coming to an end.
Unintentional low-level encouragement is also an important reason for a period of failed education.
"Mom, I've improved my rank by 5 places in this exam!"
Low-level encouragement: "Keep up the good work!"
Negative encouragement: "Isn't this the grade you deserve?"
The child's original happy mood also disappeared at this moment, and he would even think: How much I got in the exam, my parents will not be satisfied?
Around us, there is a lot of such low-level encouragement, and there is no response.
And in exchange for this, the child is getting farther and farther away from us.
The same is true for how we get along with our loved ones.
Guo's best friend Xiaolan, after marriage, found that her mother-in-law was too economical, and she was willing to spend millions to buy them a suite, and she was reluctant to buy herself a new dress and cook a delicious meal.
Therefore, Xiaolan thought that she must be better to her mother-in-law.
It's just that:
The new clothes bought, the mother-in-law always kept in the deepest part of the cupboard;
The various ingredients I bought, my mother-in-law always made them, but she didn't taste them, and she often spoiled them in the refrigerator and threw them away;
Taking my mother-in-law shopping, it's also too expensive and that's not good, I think it's better to stay at home......
Gradually, Xiaolan no longer has the desire to "honor" her mother-in-law, she feels that her mother-in-law just doesn't like her.
In fact, the mother-in-law just doesn't want them to spend money, and just wants to save the good ones for them.
Even if she knows her mother-in-law's thoughts, Xiaolan and her mother-in-law can't get close.
After all, there was no response.
Let's talk about parenting.
We often like to tease younger children: "Is this something okay for mommy?"
The child immediately gave one to his mother, but the mother said, "Mommy is teasing you, you can eat!"
Children know how to share and love their mothers, but in the eyes of their mothers, they are just "teasing you".
In this "giving", the child did not get any satisfaction, and only felt that "it was unnecessary to pay".
03 In order to give their children the highest level of encouragement, parents only need to do one thing
Jack Welch, a well-known entrepreneur, said: "My business philosophy is to make everyone feel their contribution, which can be seen, felt and counted. ”
This philosophy can also be applied to the education of children.
For children's education, we should affirm children's "contributions" to us.
For example, a cup of milk tea, even if we think that it is not worth it for the child to buy it after filming for such a long time, but while the child satisfies his appetite, he also misses his mother, which is what the child pays us.
Therefore, at this time, you should first affirm the child's dedication to yourself and say to the child: "Thank you, mom hasn't drunk milk tea for a long time!"
Then, give the child another compliment: "You are so considerate, you bought the matcha flavor that Mommy likes!"
You can also give your child another expectation: "But mom is old and can't drink too sweet often, next time, bring mom a cup of plain, not too sweet, okay?"
The effort has been affirmed and praised, and the child is self-satisfied;
The expectation put forward by the mother will actually make the child understand the parents better, which is a prerequisite for the next meeting, which is a plus point for parent-child communication.
Therefore, if you want your child to receive the highest level of encouragement and be able to be self-satisfied, then parents only need to do one thing, that is: accept and praise their child's efforts.
Children are always receiving our care and love for them, and they feel very happy.
In the same way, the care and love that children give us, as well as the giving, and our acceptance, will also make them feel encouraged and happy.
When children receive what we give, they will thank us and we will feel satisfied.
In the same way, if the things that the child gives us are praised and recognized by us, the child will be quite satisfied.
Accepting and praising is actually a process for children to "learn to love", and it is also a process of affirming children and building self-confidence for children.
This is the highest level of encouragement.
This is also a successful parenting.
Written at the end of the article
At this time, can you understand why some children are enthusiastic and sensible, while some children are always so cold?
Sometimes, it's the nature of a child.
Sometimes, children's enthusiasm is extinguished by their parents.
Such high-level encouragement will make the child a responsible, capable, and responsible child! This is the most valuable quality for the child's future!