Even between husband and wife, Chinese people are still secretive about the desires in marriage, but no matter how much they avoid it, this issue still touches sensitive nerves all the time. In many cases, the conflict about sex is not only about physical contact, but also about the collision of hearts and minds, and about love, respect, communication and understanding between two people.
I recently heard a story like this:
A man still likes to solve his own physiological needs after marriage, and often secretly satisfies his desires behind his wife's back, which is higher than that of husband and wife having sex together. Although the wife did not bump into the scene, she found the software commonly used by her husband, she felt very humiliated, and quarreled with her husband for this, and the man promised that he would never do it again, and uninstalled the software.
But the matter didn't end there, after that, the couple had normal sex frequency, but by mistake, the wife saw the download page of the software she minded in her husband's mobile phone, and then she knew that her husband would still solve it by himself, but it was more hidden, and he would delete it when he ran out.
The wife felt so embarrassed and humble, but her husband said that this was normal, every man would be like this, and he was impulsive and solved it himself.
Women still feel that they can't accept that their husbands secretly solve their own problems in other women's small videos, and they can't understand why their husbands don't want to have sex with them, but do this? Is it really normal for married men to solve their own physiological needs?
Actually, your husband is normal, but it's also normal for you to be dissatisfied with it.
The core of the conflict between you is that both husband and wife interpret their personal physiological needs from the inertia of their own thinking, and they fail to understand each other's feelings and thoughts from the perspective of the other half.
In the eyes of men, sex is a normal need like eating and drinking, a big meal has a big meal, a small snack has the taste of a small snack, which one you want to eat is very ordinary, and you watch a small video by yourself and have no relationship with other women, which is reasonable and legal. But from a woman's point of view, sex is a private bond between husband and wife, and the husband solves it alone as if he rejects her and belittles his wife's existence.
As soon as they came and went, under the collision of the minds of men and women, there was a spark of discord between husband and wife.
Judging whether a man's behavior is normal or not will not resolve the conflict between you, because a normal behavior does not mean that there is no problem in doing so, and a word of "normal" cannot convince you and make you no longer feel ashamed and humiliated.
It's like a child failing an exam, isn't this normal? Of course it's normal, there are always people who don't know how to do it and aren't good at a certain subject. But this does not mean that children can only be satisfied with such scores, and there is no room for improvement. By developing interest in learning, identifying weak links, and cultivating good habits, it is completely normal to move from failing to getting the desired score.
The same is true for couples. It is normal for men to prefer to solve their physical needs alone for some reason, and it is normal for wives to have emotions because of this, what you need is not to make a certain behavior abnormal and then prohibit it, but to understand why the other half thinks and does this, to clarify the misunderstanding between the two people, so that your hearts can be re-intertwined, and do not cause dissatisfaction.
01 What is sex for a woman?
The reason why you feel sad and humiliated about your husband's behavior of solving physical needs alone is because husband and wife have a special place in your heart, which is not only the desire for lust, but also the sacred and private connection, the sense of identity from your partner. How can you be indifferent when these are all ruined by the actions of men?
There may be a lot of people who don't understand that you are making a fuss and making a fuss, and that's because they don't understand what you've lost, so they can downplay your feelings. Don't be suspicious of your emotions or feel that you are not sensible, your feelings can be understood and should be understood.
Some people will wonder, doesn't my husband solve the needs by himself, is this really worth taking seriously?
No, it's not a question of whether it's true or not, it's a question of what is the place of sex in the hearts of women who feel bad about it. It's like a lost old thing that is very memorable to you, and it may seem worthless to others, but it is a priceless treasure in my own eyes, so why can't you be sad about it?
In the same way, if you want your husband to understand your discomfort and shame, you must also explain to him why you think the way you do, instead of blindly trying to stop him from accommodating your feelings.
Why do many women not see their husbands solve their own physical needs? Because the idea of subtly accepting from society and family in the process of growing up makes them uneasy, so they have these negative feelings:
Status is challenged
Under the influence of Chinese society and culture, many women have seen sex as a private thing since childhood, and sex is not only a physical need, but also a private connection shared between husband and wife: only I can satisfy your desires, and only you can satisfy my desires.
So when they find out that their husbands don't need themselves and can meet their personal physiological needs alone, they will feel that their status has been challenged, and their status as wives is no longer unique.
You really can't blame them for hypocrisy, and if a man asks a woman to refuse premarital sex and be a chaste virgin until her husband starts to lust, then how can he blame his wife for taking her husband's desires as his own?
Think about it from another perspective, if the wife calls the favorite character in the game or animation "husband" every day, and thinks about her husband when she has sex with her, won't many men feel that their heads are green? This is the same reason that they are sad that their husbands solve their desires alone.
Charisma is devalued
Many women believe that as long as a man really loves himself, he will not have lust for other women, and all his physical needs will be projected onto himself. Conversely, if a man reacts to someone of the opposite sex other than himself, it means that his charm is no longer enough to fully attract the other person.
Therefore, the husband would rather do his own work than share his desire with the other half, which will only make women doubt their charm and sexual attractiveness, and even feel that they are not as good as those provocative women in the small software videos in the eyes of their husbands.
So even though a man may never touch a woman on the inside of the screen for the rest of his life, his wife will inevitably feel jealous: Would you rather look at them than at me, do you think I'm not attractive? Not sexy enough? What do you have in your heart?
When they feel that their charm is belittled, they will naturally feel humiliated, humiliated, and their self-esteem will be damaged, and they will be reluctant to do such a thing to their husbands.
Suspicion of a marital relationship
When the thought turned to this step, the wife began to doubt the degree of harmony between the husband and wife.
Identity in a marriage is essential to the stability of intimacy and the happiness of the couple, and when wives feel that their husband's actions are demeaning their attractiveness and worry about their precarious status, their sense of identity with their marriage will also decline, and they feel that they have been put on the margins.
What they think is: You don't even want to do this kind of intimate thing with me, you have to secretly do it to other women, am I mistaken, in fact, you don't like me that much?
Although the wife also knows that it is impossible for her husband to really go to the women in those videos, as long as a man has a mind, wouldn't it be easy to find other "young ladies" to buy services?
As soon as these thoughts arise in her mind, there is no way to stop without figuring them out, and the woman will only become more suspicious, puzzled and disappointed by her husband's behavior.
02 Men's sexuality is very different from what you see
When it comes to sexuality, society undoubtedly has quite a double standard for men and women. Men's physiological needs are considered legitimate and unstoppable, and they are not shackled in terms of chastity, so men's attitudes towards their own biological needs are more ordinary than women's, and they are less likely to be given special meanings.
Solving your own physical needs alone is like having to eat three meals a day, and you will silently recite "Who knows that Chinese food is hard" before every meal? If you can't, you can understand why your husband doesn't want to go out of his way to beg his wife every time he needs it.
The Heidi Report on Sexology devotes a chapter to masturbation in men, in which it is said that almost all men, whether married or single, say that it is normal in their lives to solve their physical needs alone, and only one percent of men say that they have never experienced such an experience. It can also be seen from here that it is indeed very normal for someone like your husband to behave like this. This behavior is often accompanied by some fantasies, and through self-stimulation as he pleases, men can enjoy great freedom and pleasure.
Men choose to solve their physical needs alone, not necessarily because of what they think about their wives, but most likely for other reasons:
Personal preferences and habits
In terms of pure pleasure, it is more convenient and more stimulating for both men and women to solve their physiological needs alone, and many people do it without other meanings than simple personal preferences.
Men will have to spend many years with their "thumbelina" before meeting their partner, in a sense this is their most frequent way of relieving their desires, a habit that is difficult to change as a result of marriage, and men usually do not think that this needs to be changed, after all, it is not against morality and does not hurt anyone.
Couples are stressful
No matter how much fun couples have in having sex together, the activities that two people participate in together can be stressful, especially since the social culture will link men's sexual prowality with masculinity, so many men will worry that they will not perform well enough in front of their wives and cannot satisfy their other half, and such a mentality will of course bring pressure.
Solving your needs alone is different: you don't have to rely on others to have an orgasmic experience, you don't have to worry about whether your partner is happy, you just need to focus on whether you're comfortable, and you don't have to worry about courting forcing a reluctant partner, eliminating the need to ask for your partner's consent...... No one knows their own sensitivities better than themselves, provoking their own reactions, in a sense, men are attracted to themselves, not the "women" in the video.
Life and work are burdensome
Career stress and work load can also affect a man's desire and sexuality.
Imagine that when you are so busy, are you still in the mood to make an appointment with friends to enjoy the food? You must think that with this effort, it is better to order a takeout by yourself, dry a meal in three bites, and hurry back to work, and take a good rest after the matter is done.
In the same way, if sharing a room with your other half is a restaurant, then solving it by yourself is like ordering takeout to fool a meal, which is just a man's expedient measure.
It's not that he doesn't think it's good to go to the restaurant, it's not that the food is unattractive, it's just that he doesn't have the time and energy to think more about these things for the time being, he just wants to solve his desires quickly, so that his physical needs don't get in the way of other things.
After reading these, you should understand, there may be many valid reasons for a man not to have sex with his wife and insist on solving his physical needs by himself, not that he intends to make you embarrassed and sad, nor does it mean that there is anything wrong with your marital relationship.
It doesn't make much sense to discuss whether this kind of behavior is normal or not, this is not a black and white question of right and wrong, and when solving this contradiction, what is needed is not a trial, but mutual understanding and effective communication: you need to see the reasons why your husband is doing this, and the other half also needs to empathize with you, see your sadness and grievances.
You can have an open conversation, share your feelings and expectations, and find a balance that meets your personal needs and strengthens your relationship.
You have to understand that the depth and quality of the relationship is more important to maintaining a marriage than the sex itself, and determines whether the couple can continue to go on until they grow old together.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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