Recently, a good friend N received a public subsidy and will soon go abroad for further study. I was very happy for him to hear the news, but to be honest, there was also an unspeakable secret jealousy.
N is different from me, he is a person who decides what he wants to do and does it directly, and even if he fails, he can quickly pick himself up. But I don't believe in myself from the bottom of my heart, although I also have dreams and desires, but I just don't dare to take the first step, because I feel that I am not as good as others, and I will fail in everything I do, and as long as I "don't act", there is "no failure at all".
Ever since I was a child, I have been trapped in this cycle of avoidance and inferiority, watching others achieve their goals one by one, but I have been swallowed up by the guilt of "failing myself".
It wasn't until recently, when a friend talked to me about the phenomenon of "sophistry parenting", that it dawned on me that perhaps my incompetence and helplessness as if I had buried my genes could come from the influence of my family.
The three main traits of sophistic parents
Just looking at it makes people feel so painful
Sophistry parents, as the name suggests, mean that no matter how much you reason with him, you will eventually fall into "sophistry". There are three of the most important traits of this parent:
1.
Say one thing, but do another
Sophistic parents often say one thing but do the exact opposite.
For example, he may say that he "doesn't care about grades" but be cold and violent to you when you are doing poorly. For example, he may say that he is an enlightened parent, but he will attack you when you don't do what he wants.
2.
Whatever you do or say, it's wrong
With sophistic parents, no matter what you do or say, you will always be wrong. When you go to a restaurant to eat, you take the initiative to help choose the dishes and order, you will be said to be self-centered and only care about yourself, and if you let your parents order by themselves, you will be said to be lazy and intimate. You can never grasp the standards of your parents, walking on the right is a dead end, and walking on the left is a cliff.
3.
They often renege on their promises and refuse to admit their promises
Sophistry parents often go back on their word, they may promise you that they will take you out to play if you score 90 points in the exam, and when you really work hard to achieve it, he repents on his promise because he is in a bad mood, or even just casually said it at the beginning, and even pretends to be stupid and does not admit it.
"Sophistic parents" seem to be able to speak good ways
In fact, there is a strong desire for control and nonsense
Sophistry parents can lead to a mess that can lead to a lack of distinction between right and wrong, and loss of decision-making in life.
I have a friend who was also brought up by "sophistry parents", and he also has a very serious problem of evasion, and he also has a communication barrier, and usually talks very little, but he only said it later, because he felt that whatever he said was wrong, and it was better not to speak.
The sophistic parent is unreasonable, and he communicates with you for only one purpose, and that is: listen to me and do what I say.
All he wants is control and satisfying his desire for control, anyway, adults are always right, and children are always wrong. He sounds plausible and high-sounding, but in reality there is no nonsense at all.
You don't need every word to your parents
Every action responds
People who grow up in this kind of family, if they do not consciously and practice drawing a clear line, may have a very serious sense of helplessness and inferiority, and then put themselves on a bad daily routine.
Although similar families may not necessarily produce similar children, if you always feel inferior, helpless and hopeless for no reason, and you happen to grow up in a sophistry family, the connection may be worth exploring.
However, the past cannot be changed, what we can do is to identify the root cause of the problem and then find a way to make a substantive change.
A good way to do this is – "You don't need to respond to every word, every action of your parents."
When you recognize that your parents have problems that they can't shake, and that the problems don't really concern you, you can discern the line between you and them. When the other person crosses the line, you don't need to dance and have an emotional breakdown.
You can try to communicate with your parents sincerely, tell them your true feelings and thoughts, and if your parents are stubborn, simply try to pretend to be deaf and dumb, and make jokes and perfunctory past, without being too serious.