To say a thoughtful word, we bring the child into this world, you have to remember that it is not he who is coming, if he wants to choose, he may not choose you, you are a one-way choice.
Every family longs for their children to be successful, and they don't say it with their mouths, but they think so in their hearts. In all walks of life, all those who can succeed have a common trait, these people must be people who can afford to lose, and if they lose, they will win in the end.
As a parent, if you play chess with your son, will he lose? Will he be willing to lose? Nine out of ten children will not lose, and some children will even use chess to smash their mother's head, and he will be anxious if he loses. How so? You want to make him successful, but you don't want him to have the qualities to succeed.
Today's children
Carrying a heavy emotional burden
When we were children, most of us lived in families with many children, and it was difficult for parents to devote too much attention to one child. But what are children like now?
In a city like Shanghai, when a child comes into this world, there are six people around him, and these six people will give him the best. So if six people love a child, can you understand the child's feelings? Do you know the child's inner world? Do you know the anguish in his heart?
In fact, everyone has an instinct, whoever is good to himself, he will repay the favor. I saw a four-year-old child say to his grandmother, "Grandma, I'll make money for you when I grow up." It's because he thinks his grandmother is too good to him. But when he was a teenager, he figured out that he couldn't repay the favor, why? Because these adults don't want his money in return, they want their children to go to prestigious universities.
Every year, students from all over the country come to me for consultation, and all their symptoms are the same: they don't devote themselves to their studies in the third year of high school, they look at their mobile phones all day long, and they read novels all day long. You asked him if he wanted to go to university? He replied, yes, he had to do well. So why not get involved? Because they're anxious.
They would cry when I said one thing, and I said, "You might not get into the university that you think you want, and then you will feel really sorry for your parents, they are so good to you, aren't they?"
Tears flowed down the children's eyes when they heard this. The children are so pathetic. I said to these children, "Who told you that you are responsible for the happiness of your parents? For example, when two people fall in love, and a man says to a woman, 'Marry me, I will give you happiness for a lifetime', and the quarrel ends up in less than three days. Children, you remember that happiness is your own subjective life experience. ”
Happiness is not something that others can give
There is a mother, she raised a PhD son, this PhD later became a diplomat, everyone envied this mother, but she was taking antidepressants every day.
There is also a mother, her son is just an ordinary worker, but we see this mother dancing happily every day. Therefore, happiness is not something that others can give, but a subjective experience of oneself. Parents should tell their children not to carry this burden and move forward lightly, this is to give their children positive energy.
To say a thoughtful word, we bring the child into this world, you have to remember that it is not he who is coming, if he wants to choose, he may not choose you, you are a one-way choice.
What I often say to my son is, "Son, let's have a mother-son game, don't dislike each other, you don't dislike me, I don't dislike you." "If the child does not have this burden, he can move forward lightly, and he will not be anxious about an exam.
We can see that today's children have unprecedented academic pressure, which is only explicit, and the hidden thing is that children spend all day with people at high risk of anxiety, these are the children's parents and teachers.
Think about it, if the child has to face a group of anxious people at school and at home, everyone pulls rubber bands on the child, and the teacher keeps emphasizing the test and study in the school, and the child comes home and the parents are also emphasizing the test and study, then the child may be finished. Being around anxious people can be exhausting, and our children experience stress that is not found in the world.
Shouldn't American schools take the test? They also take the test, and other people's learning tasks are also very heavy, but other people's teachers and parents are not like us, and we (parents) ourselves are too fragile and not strong enough.
Today's children
The demand for the right to speak is very high
Now the second characteristic of children is that they have a very high demand for the right to speak. This is definitely a very special phenomenon, which has not been seen in China for thousands of years. I sometimes think that the one-child policy, with all its drawbacks, will promote democracy. Why?
First of all, people's environment is different.
When we were young, we were taught to "adults talk, children don't interject", and we thought it was a matter of course.
Now the child's life is like this, he has no siblings at home, and he talks directly to the adults, why can't I talk when you talk? On the other hand, our current school educators still stick to the old ways.
We can often see that when a middle school student is being educated by a teacher, the teacher is reprimanding him, and this middle school student is like this, "You have a good talk." I'm almost done, right? I can go into the classroom, right?"
He won't listen to you at all. Why? Because you don't understand that he has a high demand for voice, you don't give him an equal dialogue.
This is the person we will face in the workplace after 93 years. I was once approached by a boss who said that he had an intern from a prestigious university, and that the intern was in charge of taking notes during a meeting, and after the boss made a speech at the meeting, the intern said, "I'll talk about it too." The boss said, "Why is it your turn to speak?" and he said, "Why can't I speak?"
So the boss couldn't understand it. I told him that you have to understand that their right to speak is very demanding, and if you don't let him have the possibility of speaking, he will go to the Internet and say it, and you can't stop him. So guys, think about it, how is it that a nation that has such a demand for equal discourse is not progressive?
It's a challenge to our millennia culture. What you're dealing with is how our cultures connect. Only after it is connected can the child be able to make a smooth transition without being suppressed by his predecessors, which is the problem we encountered. China is going through a turbulent era, and social changes are changing with each passing day. The world faced by this generation of children is no longer the same world as before, and I sincerely hope that parents and teachers can understand this generation!
Today's children have a wide range of knowledge
Teachers, don't be angry, today's children may not come to you to receive knowledge. There are CDs in many classes, and he can buy CDs to watch by himself, and they are all taught by famous teachers. Today's teachers have no authority.
Unlike when we were children, if we didn't have a book at home, the teacher was Wanbao Quanshu, and now there is no such teacher. You don't expect you to be such a teacher, or you may not feel like such a teacher. If the teacher does not understand this, he will discourage the student and deny that the current student is not as good as the student of the past.
In fact, this is the characteristic of the times, and if you can't keep up, it's the teacher's problem. In Shanghai, some children have already traveled halfway around the world by the time they are in junior high school. The teacher was talking about Canada in the classroom, and the students said, "I've been in Canada for a long time, have you ever been there, teacher?"
So guys, how do you teach this book? I'm talking about very practical things, and education needs to address these issues in order to be useful to future students.
Today's children are kind
All of our parents after 1993 will say that their children have shortcomings of one kind or another, but there is one thing, children are very kind. This is where China's hope lies.
Here's why:
If you see a beggar on the road, the child will be a little unable to move away, and he will drag his mother as slowly as possible, and in fact he wants his mother to donate some money to the beggar.
The child is very kind, the reason is that he has love, he grew up immersed in love, he grew up in an era of material abundance, such a person must be kind and loving.
Love is not groundless, love is conditional. Today's child has the basics, so he has compassion, he sympathizes with the weak, he loves others. So his level of moral judgment is much higher than that of my generation. Because of different backgrounds, the moral standards of the two generations are different. So I feel very confident that the young people behind them will get better and better, and there is hope for this generation of children. We parents should never let them down, they are all good children.
Children in today's cities
The sense of reality is very weak
The fact that children in today's cities have a very weak sense of reality is also a result of education. Our children grow up with all the realities that have been replaced, and they just know how to study hard. And our school does not provide children with the possibility to deal with affairs, there are no other activities other than learning and remedial classes. Children live in a modern computer world with a weak sense of reality. They experience realism in the virtual world, and they have a sense of virtuality in the real world, and that's what characterizes them.
For example, the current middle school students are playing "figurines", and the proportion of the number is about 1/4. What are figurines? "Figurines" are dolls made from Japanese anime templates. He plays with these dolls alone, sometimes with some pornography, and a boy plays with it until he falls in love with the doll, and then he tinkers with the reality in the virtual world.
They communicate online as if the doll were a living person, and in the end he has a virtual sense in the real world. After chatting on the Internet, the two were ready to meet, sat together, but there was no words, and they said, "Let's talk online, goodbye." "I went online and said it.
If you tell your child that if you don't study hard, you will have a hard life in the future, and he will tell you, "It's impossible, if that day comes, I will die." "What are people afraid of if they are not even afraid of death? How can we educate?
If you are reading this article and there is a principal in charge of moral education, please think about it: What should we do in our moral education activities in primary and secondary schools now?
Because children have a weak sense of reality, schools should provide this kind of help: moot courts, mock supermarkets, mock communities...... Go get this stuff.
A high school student told me that the school invited an old veteran of the war years to tell them, "We had such a hard time during the war years, and you people are now full of bourgeois ideas and thinking about wearing famous brands every day." The high school student said, "Grandpa, your revolution is not for us to wear famous brands, but for what?" What is the child lacking? What are you going to give him?
Moral education is about educating people, not inculcating something. You have to raise him to be a healthy person, otherwise a person who has no sense of reality will have problems with his personality later on.
Once, there was a student from a key middle school and high school, she brought a mobile phone to show us, and she said, "Teacher, we are playing with this thing", and I was shocked when I saw it. What is it to play? Is it fun to cut oneself with oneself? How do we understand this kind of behavior? This is a manifestation of a lack of sense of reality, and he must find his true existence in this way. Unfortunately, we educators are completely unaware. We only know whether his grades have gone up or down, and there are too many factors for his results. We must understand our child, these are some of the pain points in his heart.
Today's children
The requirements for personalization are very high
They also have a characteristic that the personalization requirements are very high. When we were children, we were taught that "you are a drop of water in the sea, you are a grain of sand in the desert", and now the child is "I have been here, the geese have been silent, how can you not know that I have been?"
So is our education allowed? Is it designed as a platform for him to show his personality?
One of the children came to me and said that he just had to have long hair, wear floral clothes, and take off his school uniform at the door, but the dean told him not to come unless he cut his hair.
Later, I called his homeroom teacher, and I said, "You know what? I don't even deserve to be a primary school student for this kid's anime knowledge." If you give him a class meeting and let him show him a good PPT, I believe he will change from then on. ”
This is another characteristic of our children now. If you want to suppress him, he will fight. The way to fight is different, some children fight you, we call it rebellion.
Why rebel? Rebel because you don't allow him to grow up. There is a form of "hard resistance" in rebellion, that is, when you say the east, he must say the west, and if you say that you want to study hard and take the high school entrance examination, he tells you that you want to take the vocational school entrance examination. Then the "hard resistance" is a little better, and if the "soft resistance" is troublesome.
If teachers and parents are "extremely powerful" and "invincible", the child's energy to resist is all transferred to it, and as a result, all kinds of mental problems come out, resulting in a high incidence of neurosis in children after the age of 15. It is very important for us to cultivate the health of our children, so in order to fully meet his personality display, our school moral education activities should have such awareness.
Today's children
Living in the "third cage".
Finally, I would like to conclude that today's children are living in a "third cage".
Suppose, we have a cage where a rat is in a cage and a door is attached to the outside of the cage, and if the rat accidentally steps on the door, and the door opens and a piece of food comes in, and the rat steps on it, and the food comes in, and when it is stepped on, the food comes in, and the rat does it?
If the second cage were like this, and the rat stepped on it, and the shock was given, and the shock was met, what would the rat's intelligence do?
If the "third cage" is designed like this, it is food when it is stepped on, and then it is an electric shock, and the mouse will not know whether to step on it or not, and the mouse will die tangled in it.
When a child comes into the world, the parents treat him too well, like food, but at the same time put pressure on him, like an electric shock, and the child is like a mouse in the third cage.
Every family longs for their children to be successful, and they don't say it with their mouths, but they think so in their hearts. In all walks of life, all those who can succeed have a common trait, these people must be people who can afford to lose, and if they lose, they will win in the end.
And in our current education, you only let him succeed and don't let him lose.
The first thing parents ask when they see their children coming home is, "Baby, how many five-pointed stars do you have today?" "How many did Xiao Ming get?" "Two." "You're going to overtake him tomorrow, and you're going to get three." ”
As a parent, if you play chess with your son, will he lose? Will he be willing to lose? Nine out of ten children will not lose, and some children will even smash their mother's head with chess, and he will be anxious when he loses. How so?
You want to make him successful, but you don't let him have the quality of success, and you don't cultivate this quality in the first place, isn't he just a mouse in the third cage?
In addition, each of our families longs for their children to be able to meet the math and physics problems and persevere. When learning Olympiad mathematics, no matter how difficult the problem is, we hope that children have strong willpower and control, but do you know where willpower and control come from?
In Shanghai, parents start to find the best school for their children from primary school, junior high school and high school have always been good schools, and after the college entrance examination is over, they will help their children find what kind of major to study in college so that they can use their relationships to find a job, and when they find a job, they feel that it is almost over, so they will buy a house for their children, mobilize relatives and friends to introduce girlfriends to their children, and then take the money out to do marriage for their children, raise children after the marriage is done, and finally help children take care of grandchildren.
It's a paradox that you need to control his whole life, and that he needs to have the self-control to face difficulties.
Isn't this person in the third cage? In fact, he knows what kind of person he should become, very clear, but some families have too high expectations, which is not okay. Especially for an only child, if you don't tell him a very specific goal, the person is going to collapse. In fact, high demands can only be made for oneself, not for others.
The child knows very well where his goal is, but he also knows very well in his heart that he does not have the ability. So if you think about it, isn't he tangled to death? That's how the rat feels in the third cage.
I hope that parents or teachers can re-understand what this generation needs?
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