Some time ago, I was chatting with my friend L, and she said that she hated going to class reunions more and more.
"I really don't know what the point is, everyone is either talking about the old sesame seeds and rotten grains, or they are bragging about how good they are. ”
L took a sip of milk tea, pouted and counted everyone's not:
"So-and-so said that her husband can make a lot of money, and he doesn't touch the spring water with his fingers, and he goes to the beauty salon every day in addition to playing mahjong and shopping;"
"So-and-so said that their family had bought three suites, and she wanted to rent them out, but his husband didn't let him, saying that he was not short of money. ”
"So-and-so also said that he knew the big leader of which unit, and the leader was in a hurry to give him a partner. ”
L said that the so-called big leader had already been blown up because of cutting leeks, and he changed his vest and ran away.
Only that classmate doesn't know, and he is still bragging about his previous reputation.
I smiled and asked her, "What about you? Are you bragging?"
She glared at me: "Blow, why don't you blow, I said that my husband's annual salary is one million." If you don't have it, then blow it out and see who blows it more outrageously. ”
Actually, although L's sentence is rough, it is to the point.
In life, many of us like to regard the external or other people's highlights as a recognition of our self-worth.
Behind this, a very heart-wrenching truth is hidden......
"My husband's salary is high, so I can live on it"
L works in a game company of a foreign company, with a strong ability, with a monthly salary of 2-30,000 yuan, and the annual income is nearly one million after counting the stock and option income given by the company.
But it's also a million-year-a-year salary, "Why are you bragging about your husband's million-a-year salary? Why don't you brag about yourself?"
Hearing me say this, L was stunned.
As early as when he was in college, L set his own "marriage KPI" - these 3 conditions must be met before he can get married.
- No domestic violence or drinking;
- The academic background must be higher than oneself;
- The salary must be higher than your own.
As for love, you can have it or not.
According to this set of standards, L found her current husband and felt that she "finally had someone to rely on and rely on ......"
Obviously, he can support himself well by himself, but after getting married, L really feels a certain sense of security and belonging.
However, L, who entered marriage with the dream of "relying on her husband", was not really taken care of by her husband.
In fact, she's become even harder than before—
In the past, she only had to take care of herself, but now she has to take care of her work, her children, her husband, her parents-in-law, her parents, etc., and she is so busy that she has no time to take care of herself.
But she didn't realize it.
While she works hard and supports a large family, she still thinks that "women still have to rely on their husbands to take care of and support their families."
Even the boast of the class reunion, L opened and closed his mouth to be "my husband".
Why?
Behind this "persistence", in fact, she can't see or recognize her own value, and projects her own value and sense of security on others.
There are many similar projections of the same kind.
For example, in the "Fan Circle Crowd", fans see the qualities they desire in celebrity artists, and they will be obsessed and worshipped;
For example, "helping my brother", I always feel that as long as I take good care of my younger brother, let my younger brother study well, and go to a good university, it is my own achievement.
For example, if you pursue "luxury" too much, you always feel that you have enough luxury goods to show your value.
The expectations behind these projections are:
"You see, the things I like, the people I like, and the people I rely on are good, right? You agree with it, right? So you should agree with it, I'm good, right?"
And the reason why we have this mental mechanism is because we are too weak inside.
We need a stronger external de-parasitism in order to perpetuate our own life force.
Behind the value projection is a parasitic on a powerful exterior
There is a plant in nature called "snake mushroom".
After germination, the seeds of the snake mushroom form a sucker that attaches to the root tips of other, more powerful plants, and survives with them.
And the reason why it needs to parasitize other powerful plants is because it has no real roots, stems, and leaves.
It is inherently lacking, lacking in strength.
The psychological mechanism behind value projection is like a "snake".
The reason why we judge "self-worth" is pinned on others.
It is because we lack our own strength and need to draw nourishment from the life force of others.
We construct a parasitic "associative identity" between ourselves and these external "people or things".
In this way, they can form or strengthen their social identity and gain a sense of belonging and identity psychologically.
I remembered that when I was doing counseling training with a few classmates before, one of them told me about his experience.
She is a single-parent family, her mother is unmarried and pregnant, and her father has long been unknown where to run.
's mother has no culture, and she relies on getting up early every day to be greedy and dark to make cool skin, which pulls her up little by little.
In her memory, her mother always sighed in the dark, saying that she was too ignorant, stupid, and stupid when she was young.
In my memory, my mother's most common words were:
"Mom is so hard, you must study hard and fight for your mother. ”
"You have to get into a good university and get a good job, and you can't be like your mother, who will ruin your whole life. ”
Whenever she got good grades in the exam, when her mother walked the streets, she always held her head high and boasted a few words when she met people;
And when she loses, her mother always closes the door and teaches her: "I'm too embarrassed to go out, it's too embarrassing for me." ”
In fact, what does her mother's relationship do well or not in the exam?
From the point of view of subject separation, the child's achievement is not related to the mother.
However, due to her own internal deprivation, the mother constructs a "connected identity" between her own sense of worth and the achievement of her child.
George Mead once said that in "reflective evaluation," the perceptions and evaluations of others are seen as mirrors through which individuals see themselves.
When others give us a positive evaluation of the person or thing we associate with, we may internalize that evaluation and see it as an affirmation of our own worth.
Because I was too stupid in the past, I didn't want my children to follow my old path, so I seemed to live again;
Because I am too fragile, I hope that my child will be strong, so that it seems that my vitality has been extended;
Because my life is a failure, I hope that my child can have a better life, so that others can not deny the existence of "me".
However, can this kind of connection really make you happy?
A classmate said: "This expectation of hers puts me under a lot of pressure, and I always feel that I am a tool to realize her ideals, rather than a living person." ”
Whenever she had this emotion, she and her mother would always quarrel.
She felt very sorry for her mother, but she had no way to control herself, and the relationship between mother and daughter deteriorated for a while.
Yes, if our sense of self-worth is dependent on the outside, our self-concept will only become more and more fragile.
We are constantly craving positive recognition for our associated identity, and the slightest negative evaluation can make us unbearable.
Think of the fans who are fighting for their idols and netizens;
Perhaps what they are thinking is, "I pin my best part on my idol, how can you deny me goodness?"
Think about a woman who complains every day because her husband can't make money;
Maybe what they think in their hearts is: "I have no value and can only rely on my husband's achievements to show myself, but why is my husband so uncompetitive?"
Think of the rich man who makes a lot of noise in the store and breaks down and cries because he can't buy luxury goods......
Will they be equally worried: "If I can't buy this thing, will those who look up to me see through my falsehood?"
We will always be affected by uncontrollable external emotions, even life, anxiety and internal friction, and hesitation.
Are these really the happiness we crave?
Of course not.
Improving your sense of self-worth starts with getting rid of parasitism
No one wants to live on someone else for the rest of their lives.
We all aspire to be a better version of ourselves and gain our own sense of worth in our individual identity.
Therefore, the first thing we need to do is to get rid of parasitism.
How?
Quite simply, stop seeing yourself and the things or people you depend on as a whole.
TA is TA and we are us.
In this way, we can have more time and energy to focus on our inner self.
Learn true separation of topics, self-awareness and acceptance.
Teacher Zhang Defen mentioned in "Meeting the Unknown Self": "Real change starts from the heart. ”
Through daily self-awareness practices, such as journaling or meditation, we can recognize and accept our true feelings.
Try to think, why do we depend on those external things?
Is it because you feel that you are "not good enough" and "not worthy of being affirmed as yourself"?
Or is it "I have been denied for too long, and I have forgotten that I am worthy of being recognized"?
Find out the voices behind these dependencies, face them, accept them, and feel your truest self.
Second, try to connect with your broader self.
Find a small notebook and keep a daily record of the things you are grateful for, no matter how small.
As small as today, when the sun comes out and I see a peculiar little flower, I can record them.
You will find that the more we look for the beauty of life, the more stable our core will be.
At the same time, participate in the "3 Days|Nothing Can Stop You from Being Yourself" experience camp at DELPH Space.
Defen Selected Shops,,,
3-day brave and self-experiential camp
Mini programs
Practice mindfulness in it, reintegrate yourself, and learn to focus on the experience of the present moment instead of worrying about the future or reminiscing about the past.
By cultivating qualities such as gratitude, compassion, and mindfulness, we can better live in harmony with ourselves and the world around us, finding meaning and purpose beyond our personal ego.
This practice of meaning helps us to realize that happiness and fulfillment come from inner peace and external connection, rather than from a single type of relationship.
In our journey to explore our sense of self-worth, we come to realize that true value lies not in external labels and recognition, but in our inner tenacity and uniqueness.
When we begin to disenchant our associative identity, we are not only redefining ourselves, but also regaining true control over our lives.
We will learn to appreciate our every attempt, every growth, even if these achievements do not receive applause and attention from the outside world.
Each individual soul has its own unique light that can shine without the reflection of others.
In this complex and ever-changing world, let's be our own heroes and use our own strength to light the way forward.
*This article was created by Kewen, if you need to reprint, please contact for authorization.
Planning丨Bear
Editor丨Li Xiaodou
Anchor | Snow winter