Does your child behave this way?
No matter what you tell him, his answer will always be "whatever".
"What do you want to eat at night?"
"Whatever!"
"Where do you want to go on the weekend?"
"Whatever!"
"What do you want for your birthday?"
"Whatever!"
I wanted to communicate with him well and listen to his thoughts, but he didn't appreciate it at all and "turned you away" with the word "whatever".
For this reason, you feel very angry, very anxious, very sad.
In fact, the child is not feeling well, he is using this cold and violent way to send you a signal for help.
Behind the casual is a wounded heart
American psychologist Tim Murphy once said:
"The weaker party in the relationship expresses the accumulated anger of the unequal status to the stronger party through indirect means such as delaying, evading, deliberately provoking, and secretly retaliating. ”
Children like to say "whatever", that is, they use the way of avoidance to silently express their sadness and dissatisfaction to their parents. On weekdays, he has been treated unequally many times!
1. The need is ignored
In the program "Juvenile Talk", a junior high school girl with average grades stepped onto the rooftop and confided her grievances to her mother:
"I've studied hard, don't always compare others to me and beat me. ”
But the mother did not see the child's grievances, but took care of herself and pointed out the child's learning problems.
When the girl wanted to defend herself a few more words, her mother directly interrupted and asked:
"Then why can't you meet your mother's requirements?"
Eventually, the girl went off the rooftop crying.
When parents are unwilling to listen and ignore their children's needs, children will habitually suppress their needs and hide their thoughts.
Because they know that their needs are not taken seriously by their parents, and speaking out will only invite a long nag.
2. Long-term hits
Many parents always feel that their children are young and are afraid that they will make mistakes, and their first reaction to the ideas they put forward is to deny them and force them to listen to themselves.
For example, if your child wants to learn to draw, you refuse on the grounds that you are not good at aesthetics and are a waste of money, and for example, if your child wants to help with housework, you refuse on the grounds that you have not done it and cannot do it well.
Even after the child had to do this, and finally planted his heels, he sneered and educated: "If you listened to me at the beginning, as for now!
As everyone knows, in this process, it will seriously hit the child's self-confidence and make the child dare not decide according to his own ideas.
Because of the long-term denial and suppression, he felt that his ideas were wrong and unworthy of making a decision.
3. Life is arranged
Taiwanese scholar Li Chongjian once said:
"If a chicken is kept in a cage for a long time and just released, it won't be able to walk. If a child is often prescribed to do this and that, and one day you give him freedom, he doesn't know what he wants. ”
When I was a junior in college, a distant cousin became my junior.
One day, he hurried to find me, and asked with a blank face:
"Cousin, I don't know what club I want to join?
"Do you have any hobbies, do you have any things you want to do?"
"No, you can choose one for me. My mom told me to listen to you more. ”
It turned out that from childhood to adulthood, he lived according to his mother's arrangement and never made his own decisions.
When parents take care of their children's lives, they will gradually lose their own ideas. When it's time for them to make a decision, they become overwhelmed.
Parents should respect their children, so that children will not be casual with life
Cai Kangyong said:
"What you say, you are what kind of person you are. ”
Children who often say "casual" are not only prone to inferiority, but also become unassertive, and are likely to live out their lives in a mess.
To change this phenomenon, parents need to adjust the existing parent-child relationship model to truly respect their children.
1. Give the choice back to the child
The famous host Jing Yidan often said to his daughter: You make your own decisions.
Since her daughter was in elementary school, she has dedicated a space in her wardrobe to let her decide what to wear.
When her daughter can't make up her mind, she only gives advice and never forces her children to listen to her.
It is precisely because she gave her daughter enough respect and trust that she gradually grew into an assertive girl, found a career she liked, and had a happy marriage.
Let the child make his own decisions, and he will feel the power of "me" and experience the sense of autonomy and control.
In daily life, parents can gradually exercise their children's choice ability from small things. For those things that are beyond your child's ability, you can also provide two or three reasonable options for your child to choose.
2. Don't be afraid of your child making mistakes
The proverb says:
"Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from mistakes. ”
Give your child the opportunity to try and make mistakes, let him take responsibility for his own choices, and he will understand what is right and what is wrong.
A friend shared this experience with me:
On the weekend, a friend plans to take her daughter to an outdoor playground.
Before going out, my daughter must wear the newly bought dress, even if a friend tells her that it is inconvenient to go outside today.
Seeing that her daughter insisted on wearing it, her friend put a skirt on her.
When I arrived at the playground, my daughter wanted to play with the climbing frame, but she always stepped on her skirt and almost fell several times.
Since then, whenever she goes outdoors, her daughter will take the initiative to ask for pants.
The cost of trial and error in childhood is the lowest, and parents may wish to let go more and let their children explore more.
3. Cultivate children's self-care ability
Faced with a choice, children who do not have the ability to take care of themselves, their first reaction is not to make a decision, but to think "I don't know how to choose, ask my parents, they will help me choose".
Therefore, if you want your child to become assertive, parents should cultivate their children's self-care ability.
You can get your child involved in doing the chores he or she can, even if it may be "getting busier and busier" at first.
Although the little niece is only 7 years old, she looks like a little adult and has her own ideas.
Regarding dressing, she will match according to her own ideas, about interest classes, she will take the initiative to learn Latin dance, and about reading before bed, she will choose picture books by herself.
And all this is inseparable from the sister-in-law's attention to cultivating her self-care ability since she was a child.
After the little niece turned one year old, her brother-in-law would let her learn to eat by herself and throw the urine bag into the trash can by herself. Later, when she was older, her brother-in-law asked her to learn to put on her own shoes and clean up by herself.
In the process of improving self-care ability, children will gain a full sense of belonging and value. When faced with a choice, he will be very confident in making a decision because he is convinced that he can.
When children talk about "casual", don't ignore it, don't be irritable, but should calm down, see the essence through the phenomenon, and squat down to listen carefully to the "subtext" behind it.
Only in this way can we help children become confident, assertive and independent individuals.
Author: Wait for the wind to come
A working mother of two children, holding a pen in her left hand and a baby in her right hand, she likes to read, write, and paint, and firmly believes that even if she lives in a chicken feather, she must have her own poetry and distance in her heart.
(The picture comes from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact to delete)