Author: Xiao Tian, the main creative group
"When will this annoying adolescence end?"
Not long ago, on Xiaohongshu, I swiped a mother's help-seeking post.
Her daughter is in the midst of adolescence and has not been able to communicate properly for a whole year. Every day when they get home, the child locks himself in the room most of the time and refuses to communicate, and the few conversations are basically to ask his parents, and once he refuses, he will blackface.
There have been many times when netizens tried to talk to their daughter, but all of them were her unilateral output, and the child always did not express his position or speak, and his attitude was very indifferent.
Seeing that his once lively and lovely daughter has become like this, this netizen is exhausted. She broke down and said:
"I've been getting worse lately. It's too draining, and it feels powerless. Where's my funny and loving daughter? Did I lose you? When will you come back......
It is said that a child's adolescence is a disaster for all parents in the world, and this is true.
The originally well-behaved and docile child suddenly seemed to be an enemy of himself, rebellious, extreme, and always liked to do things against him; What parent can stand such a contrast?
I am reminded of the famous quote of psychologist Winnicott: "I planted a little baby, but I reaped a bomb!"
In the difficult adolescence, in the face of such a "one-point" child, how should we as parents get along with them?
Tough on adolescent children
There are no winners
Adolescence refers to the transition period from an individual's growth and development from childhood to adulthood. Traditionally, this stage comes after the child is in secondary school.
However, with the improvement of living environment and nutrition, early puberty has become a common phenomenon, and many children have entered puberty in the middle and upper grades of primary school.
At this time, the child will become extremely "difficult".
On the one hand, they are eager to get rid of parental control, and their desire to make their own decisions and be different is becoming stronger.
On the other hand, the prefrontal cortex and other structures of their brains are not fully developed, and they cannot rationally control their emotions, cannot empathize, and cannot reason at all.
In this case, if adults adopt a "hard-hitting" education method, it is destined to only make the parent-child relationship fall into dire straits.
There was such a mother and daughter in the CCTV documentary "Dialogue Through the Curtain: Adolescent Communication Experiment".
The girl Li Yanyu is 12 years old and is in adolescence, and she can't stand her mother's nagging and desire to control, and bluntly says that she has a lot of resentment towards her.
Her mother has a straightforward personality, and she always quarrels with her daughter when she disagrees, and she is often angry with the child.
Once, the teacher wanted to elect Li Yanyu to participate in a competition, and my mother saw that the opportunity was rare and agreed without hesitation.
But when she told her daughter the news, the other party resolutely refused, and even put down the cruel words: "Kill me, I won't go!"
Li Yanyu's attitude completely angered her mother. Out of control, she cut her daughter's newly bought clothes to shreds.
Unexpectedly, Li Yanyu did not show weakness. That night, she retaliated by cutting off her mother's pajamas and socks.
In this way, the tense mother and daughter refused to give in and fell into a long cold war.
During the interview, when this incident was mentioned, Li Yanyu was still straightforward: "She cut mine, and I have to cut hers too." ”
My mother couldn't figure it out. She couldn't understand why her adolescent daughter had become so stubborn and unavoidable.
And Li Yanyu's truthful answer in the question session of the show revealed his true thoughts in his heart-
When asked what her parents did most disgust her, she said, "Forcing me to do something I don't like." And my mom often urges me, so I'm very annoyed. ”
When asked when she least wanted to talk to her parents, she said, "For example, if you don't get good grades, then you get annoyed. She also kept saying that it would be annoying. ”
The experience of the girl Li Yanyu is the epitome of tens of millions of adolescent teenagers. At this stage, parental toughness will only lead to more obvious confrontation in the child.
As Jeffrey Bernstein, an American education expert, put it: "Parents who cling to a power struggle with their rebellious children will end up losing both." ”
The more we try to overpower adolescent children, the farther we push them. In this hard-fought battle, there is actually no winner.
Facing adolescence
Parental inaction is the biggest thing that can be done
Festinger's Law in psychology states that "10% of life is made up of what happens to you, and the other 90% is determined by how you react to what happens." ”
When it comes to parenting, our attitudes and reactions towards adolescent children actually determine how our children will get through this stage – whether they are a mess or a good deal depends on what we do.
Education expert Chen Mo once said: "The reason behind the emotional recurrence of adolescent children is that they have entered the 'second resistance period' (the first resistance period is at the age of two or three). When the child feels that he is not allowed to grow up, he begins to rebel. ”
In fact, if there are adolescent children at home, the first thing parents should do is to abandon the idea of needle-point to Maimang, let themselves soften and "weaken", and give their children the space and opportunity to grow independently.
Specifically, it is mainly to do the following two aspects:
1. Learn to shut up and give in
The son of my colleague Sister Liu is a sophomore in high school this year and has always been a "child of someone else's family", not only with excellent grades, but also has always had a harmonious and close relationship with his parents, and seems to have never experienced the rebellious period of adolescence.
When we asked Sister Liu for her experience, she smiled and said, "What child's adolescence is not troubled by adults? It's just that I have learned to pretend to be deaf and dumb, and I don't know like a child." ”
It turned out that since her son entered puberty, Sister Liu decided to believe in a principle - keep her mouth shut and resolutely don't say what she can. And it is her "clear carrying" that makes her son get along well with her.
Wang Dianjun, principal of Tsinghua High School, once suggested that when getting along with adolescent children, parents should "cook more, talk less, and especially talk less."
Chattering and admonishment will not make children obedient, but will only attract more and more disgust and disgust from them.
At the same time, parents should also learn to give in and try to let their children make their own decisions as long as there is no danger in what their children insist on.
In the face of adolescent children, we might as well "do nothing", do not try to change the children, and there is no need to conflict with them.
Only by letting go of the obsession of "winning over children" can adults truly win children.
2. Change your identity and become your child's "fellow traveler"
Qian Wenzhong, a professor of history at Fudan University, once talked about his son's past on a talk show.
When his son was an adolescent, he was particularly addicted to online games for a while, reaching the point of forgetting to sleep and eat, and his grades were also affected.
In this regard, Qian Wenzhong knows that he can't let it go, but if he uses drastic and extreme measures such as disconnecting network cables and smashing computers to prohibit his son from playing games, it will definitely make the relationship between father and son stiff.
He tried to put himself in his shoes and played the game from his son's point of view. It turned out to be very attractive indeed. At that moment, he understood why his son was addicted.
So, Qian Wenzhong decided to "do the opposite".
On the one hand, he encourages his son to explore more interesting things than playing games.
On the other hand, he deliberately found some well-made historical games and took the initiative to recommend them to his son.
In this way, the son did not turn against adults because of the problem of mobile games, but became interested in history under the guidance of his father, and finally chose history as the direction of studying abroad.
A potential educational contradiction was successfully resolved in this way.
Professor Li Meijin once pointed out that when parents get along with adolescent children, they should not be opponents, but should be fellow travelers.
Parents may wish to change their identity, let go of the high authority shelf, and do not stand on the opposite side of the child, but get along with the child like a friend.
It is only when children feel equal and respected that they will establish a strong bond with their parents and truly listen to what adults have to say.