Recently, when an Internet celebrity anchor was bringing goods in a live broadcast, some netizens commented:
"An eyebrow pencil of 79 yuan is very expensive. ”
When he saw it, he immediately replied:
"Let's find out why I am, have my wages risen over the years? Have you ever worked hard?"
Maybe he thinks it's just a joke.
Unexpectedly, fans were disgusted by his statement, which also angered other netizens.
For a while, topics such as "Li xx floated" and "which Li is expensive" kept rushing to the hot search.
The anchor lost millions of fans overnight, and he couldn't get it back with a tearful apology.
Why did he think he was a humorous joke that made many people feel "extremely uncomfortable", "offended" and "self-doubting"?
I don't know if you have noticed that in daily life, there are always people who ridicule and satirize others by making jokes.
Are you pregnant? So much bigger belly.
Your voice sounds hilarious, like a duck's voice.
I haven't seen you for so many years, and your taste is still so earthy.
If you respond: "Don't say it again" "I'm not happy anymore".
The other party will also beat a rake: "Aren't you just joking, why are you so stingy?"
You can't argue with it for a while, you don't know what to do.
Let's say it, it will become that you "can't make jokes";
Don't say it, my heart is panicked.
In fact, if you feel uncomfortable and the other person still jokes about you, this is not a "joke", but a kind of "psychological bullying".
It makes the person being joked about fall into self-denial and doubt, and even forms a kind of "chronic psychological trauma (CPTSD)".
Why do people always like to make such "psychological bullying" jokes?
When someone maliciously "jokes", how to fight back correctly?
Today, I want to talk to you about "psychological bullying jokes".
Why do we feel uncomfortable when we hear an anchor say, "Is the salary going up or not, are you serious about your work"?
Because there is a rogue logic hidden in this sentence:
You can't afford it, not because it's expensive, but because you have a problem with yourself.
We hate some "psychological bullying" jokes made by others, also because they have this logic:
It's not that I'm going to laugh at you, it's that you're too fat/too poor/too stupid......
This is actually a "guilt inducement":
Achieve your own control by making others reflect on your own problems.
When I was in elementary school, there was a female classmate in my class who was particularly fond of "yin and yang" me.
As long as she wants to attract attention, she will get everyone to come and see my bangs:
"There are only a few hairs on the bangs, so it's better to call you three hairs in the future. ”
I was very annoyed that she called me "three hairs and three hairs", but I didn't have the courage to express my disgust.
Because I thought she would laugh at me, mainly because I had too little hair.
In retrospect, her behavior was fundamentally a form of "soft bullying":
Use nicknames, yin and yang weirdness, jokes, etc., to uncover the inferiority complex of others.
But at that time, I didn't realize that I was being bullied, and I only blamed myself for being too ugly and felt sad.
In addition to "soft bullying", "guilt inducement" will also be hidden in jokes.
I don't know if you have been exposed to this offensive "humor":
You're in such good shape that you can't tell the difference between men and women without looking at your face.
The little thing is quite fierce, and the bottle will be knocked out for you.
Why don't you reply to the message, the girl next to you pressed your hand?
At first glance, it sounds like a joke between acquaintances;
Savor it, but it hides personal attacks and psychological bullying.
You can't react for a while, or you don't know how to reply to the mouth, so you can only use "hehe" to prevaricate.
When I thought about it again in the dead of night, I felt sad for a while.
There is also a kind of "transgression" behavior, which also hides "guilt inducement".
Others try to interfere with your decision with their own ideas, making you embarrassed to refuse their request.
For example, if you buy a car, your colleague jokes that you have a mine at home, and deliberately makes fun of you to get close, and wants to rub your car home in the future.
If you respond coldly or refuse, the other person will say, "Cut, it's great to have a car?"
The implication is: you can't sit still, it's really a score.
It's obvious that you have crossed the line, but you look like your pride has been hurt.
Soft bullying, aggressive humor, and crossing the line seem to be the three manifestations of "guilt inducement".
In fact, they all belong to the same relationship: to control and to be controlled.
A friend of mine mentioned resigning, and the leader learned that she had recently fallen in love, and when she had a casual meal, she said:
"It's good to spend more time with your boyfriend" "I didn't expect you to have such a high vision and be taken down" ......
Colleagues coaxed her to drink the wedding wine, but she felt very uncomfortable and wanted to explain but didn't know what to say.
The next day, her colleague told her that the leader would let everyone distinguish between work and private life in the group that night.
Only then did she realize that the leader was joking with her as "killing chickens and making an example of monkeys".
Use the way of revealing her privacy to remind other colleagues not to delay work because of love.
At this point, you may have already discovered:
All the "psychological bullying" jokes that are induced by hidden guilt are essentially a form of control.
For people with a strong desire to control, only by controlling others can they gain a sense of existence and superiority.
But for us, it's a stress, a hurt, and an exploitation.
We all understand the truth, but in the face of other people's ill-intentioned jokes, why do we still dare not fight back?
The reason for this is that we are afraid of being what others call "the one who can't make jokes".
Especially in public, I don't want to ruin the atmosphere and the superficial harmony of the relationship because of myself.
We feel "blamed" for worrying that "we are not perfect" or "we are doing something wrong".
So, we chose another way to defend ourselves: avoidance.
When people encounter difficult people and things, they will subconsciously choose "avoidant coping".
This can avoid the humiliation of a topic and alleviate the embarrassment;
It can avoid triggering conflicts and escalating contradictions, becoming the target of public criticism;
You can also avoid internal friction and emotional overdraft.
Psychologist Mark Dombeck et al. believe that avoidance is based on the inner fear of potential danger.
is like in the hit drama "Under the Alien", the protagonist Zhang Chulan has a rubber band in his hand, and if he wants to get angry, he will play himself to control his temper.
Every time he was made a very bad and humiliating joke, he flicked the rubber band on his hand to suppress himself and avoid conflict.
Because when Zhang Chulan was young, his grandfather often told him:
"You have to be patient, and once you can't bear it, exposing your strength, you invite danger. ”
"Forbearance" has become Zhang Chulan's way of avoiding all dangers.
However, the more danger is avoided, the more uninvited it becomes.
Just like we are afraid that once we refuse to be joked, it will lead to interpersonal conflicts and blame, so we always endure and avoid.
However, this will not make the other party stop in moderation, but will make them even worse.
And we who are joking about it can even evolve into chronic psychological trauma (CPTSD) because we can't cope with this fear:
For the scene of being joked, I fell into "rumination thinking", I couldn't eat or sleep well, and I was under a lot of mental pressure, but I didn't know what was wrong with me.
Chronic trauma is a complex traumatic response that usually occurs in situations of long-term emotional neglect or psychological bullying.
Avoidance can indeed avoid some problems, but if it is not faced and solved correctly, it will cause more serious consequences.
Because of a malicious joke made by others, I fell into depression, pain, and self-confidence, which really outweighed the loss.
Since, avoiding jokes is unhealthy and ineffective.
What other ways can we fight back properly?
Today I would like to share with you 3 coping skills, hoping to help you find yourself and let others know how to respect you more.
1. Let the inner feelings return to the truth
Alex M. Wood, a professor of psychology, and others have summarized the 3 constituent elements of "authenticity":
1. Weak sense of self-alienation, able to understand what you think and feel more clearly;
2. The attitude is the same on the outside and the inside, and the behavior can reflect the inner emotions more accurately;
3. It is not easy to be influenced, and it is relatively rare to change one's behavior to cater to others.
Combined with the specific situation, we can understand it like this:
When someone offends you with a joke, you can express your true self in 3 steps.
1. If you feel that you are offended, whether others have it intentionally or unintentionally, you must be clearly aware of this;
2. Tell the other party clearly that it is not that you can't afford to make jokes, but that you are really sad, and seriously ask the other party not to talk about it next time, and your expression should be consistent with your inner feelings;
3. No matter what others say about you, you just say what is in your heart, feel offended, that is, you are offended, and you don't have to wronged yourself in order to cater to the evaluation of others.
If your statement is true and strong, the offense will not hurt you further.
Second, in the way of others, to govern the body of others
Note that this is not for us to retaliate violently.
This approach is divided into two dimensions:
1. Deliberately narrow the contradiction and make the other party bored
For example, someone makes a joke about your body and says that you are fat.
You can answer in a way that narrows the contradiction:
"Haven't I been fat for a day or two, and you only saw it today?"
"Fat and thin are all people, what's the joke about this?"
"It's embarrassing, it's not funny at all. ”
2. Deliberately exaggerate the contradiction and let the other party retreat
"Since you say so, then we are bound to fight, and see if I have an advantage in size. ”
"You're going to find fault today, aren't you?"
"What are you talking about, have you been unhappy with me for a long time?"
Dare to fight back, and you will find that you will not only protect yourself, but also the power to defeat malice and set an example of justice to others.
3. Establish healthy personal boundaries
Personal boundaries protect us from valuing our own needs and feelings above others.
It allows us not to feel guilty when we reject others, and not to swallow our anger out of flattery when we are ridiculed.
Healthy personal boundaries are built on the basis of these 4 elements:
1. Be clear and specific
For example, "fat" is your bottom line, and any evaluation with "fat" is crossing the line.
2. Protection
Putting the protection of your physical and mental interests first, no one can be more important than yourself.
3. Flexible processing
The attitude needs to be resolute, but the rhetoric can be flexible, such as the above, depending on the specific situation, choose to narrow the contradiction or magnify the contradiction.
4. Take the initiative to establish
All the rules of boundaries are something you have explored yourself, not something that someone else has imposed on you.
In short, we must dare to eliminate malice, and your kindness must be sharp.
There is a "fair world fallacy" in this world:
Thinking that the world is fair, when someone is targeted, it must be because they are at fault, and disasters never come for no reason.
This kind of thinking will make the person who offended you feel comfortable absolving himself of responsibility.
However, this is actually a "false truth":
Unprovoked hostility and offense can happen at any time.
It is truly fair to make the other person realize that they are doing something unfair to you.
The offender needs to pay for his actions, and the offender needs to protect himself quickly and correctly.
Equality between people needs to be premised on this.
So, don't be afraid, don't hesitate.
When psychological bullying happens, the only thing you have to do is break it.