Source: New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) Author: Mu Qingye
I saw a very interesting question on the Internet.
Some people ask, why are almost all fathers seen at the parent-teacher meeting in high school, but there are very few mothers?
Netizens left a lot of "divine replies" in the comment area:
"Moms are already angry, and dads are more resilient to pressure. ”
"Adolescent children can't take care of it, and dad is going to make up the numbers. ”
"The main thing is that my father is thick-skinned and has the obligation to be responsible for the quality of the product. "Because mothers have nodules, breast hyperplasia, uterine fibroids, and endocrine disorders, they change their fathers. ”
Someone once joked that parents who can "live" smoothly from their children's adolescence are all true warriors.
Adolescence is the only way for children to grow up, and although this stage is "stormy", it is not really a flood of beasts.
Reconciling with Adolescence reads: "A good parent-child relationship does not depend on what life cycle the family is in. ”
Parent-child relationships do not get worse when children enter puberty, but they change.
How you respond to this change will be how your child's adolescence will be spending.
Adolescence meets middle age
Some netizens once shared a mother-daughter street conversation that they accidentally recorded:
The mother walked in front, and the daughter in the middle school uniform followed after the mother: "I did well in the exam, you said it was because the paper was easy, and I did hard in the exam, and you said that I was not good at the level." Then you might as well just say that my brain is not good. ”
After listening to her, the mother said in an affirmative tone: "You are very bad yourself!" After saying this, she walked away without looking back.
The daughter behind him complained with crying despair: "I'm not having a good time in your head!"
As a bystander, it is obvious that the girl is not really complaining to her mother, she can take the initiative to express her thoughts, in fact, she is more using aggrieved complaints to seek encouragement and affirmation from her mother.
Regrettably, the mother focused only on her own negative perceptions and emotions, ignoring her daughter's desperate plea for help.
In the comment area of the video, some netizens also pointed out that the mother was just imposing her incompetence on her child, and she was unwilling to accept her mediocrity and vent her incompetent anger by suppressing her child.
Psychologist Lawrence Steinberg once said:
"The timing of puberty usually coincides with the time when parents enter middle age. Many of the complex emotions of middle-aged parents are exacerbated in response to the independent growth of adolescents, or at least as a result of their own confrontation with the midlife crisis. ”
He believes that when parents are going through a "midlife crisis", there will be a period of self-reflection and self-doubt that is entangled in midlife problems.
At this stage, although most parents will try their best to deal with their midlife problems, they will not involve their own problems with their adolescent children.
However, there will also be some parents who can't deal with all kinds of sudden and ensuing mid-life problems, but in the process of struggling to survive, they have inexplicable "jealousy", regret, resentment and other complex emotions for their adolescent children in their hearts.
They will feel that they are being abandoned by a child to whom they were once attached, and that they will feel powerless in the presence of an adolescent child who already has a sense of independence.
Not only did I have a sense of powerlessness in getting along with my new parent-child, but I also had a sense of loss of control over the sudden change of my child, and then I had a sense of crisis in middle age.
These complex emotions are intertwined, and when the switch of some negative emotions is triggered, they will be presented in various forms such as "unhappy parents", "repressive parents", and "controlling parents".
It's not that puberty is difficult, it's just that the child's adolescence happens to meet the middle age of the parents.
Parents and children are at the intersection of their own new stages of life, and if they cannot smoothly cope with the changes in this special stage with an attitude of understanding and learning, it will be difficult to complete their own growth and transformation.
Turn confrontation into acceptance
An education blogger once wrote about what happened between himself and his adolescent son.
When my son first started high school, he suddenly seemed to be a different person. Except for eating and asking for pocket money, there is almost zero communication with her.
As soon as I got home, I locked the bedroom door and didn't say anything to her, and when I asked, I was annoyed, and I asked too much, and I would even quarrel with her.
During that time, she had a very painful life every day, and she couldn't figure out why her son, who was originally obedient and well-behaved, suddenly didn't need her, and regarded her like a beast.
Sometimes when I turn to the video of my son when he was a child, I feel even more sad when I look at the son who sticks to her and says that he loves his mother the most in the video, and then looks at the door of his son's room that is now closed.
She couldn't accept the gap. However, she took the initiative to communicate and show favor again and again, not only did not improve the relationship between mother and son, but let her son accuse his mother of controlling him.
Later, for a while, because she was busy with work, her attention was no longer completely focused on her son.
When she no longer grasps which sentence, which expression, and which moment of her son's emotions are wrong today, she no longer magnifies every detail of her son into an adolescent problem;
On the contrary, because he was busy with work, he began to empathize with his son who got up before dawn every day and could only sleep after dark, and found that the two got along a lot better.
When she puts herself in her son's shoes, she tries to understand the heavy academic pressure he suddenly faces after he enters high school, tolerates his occasional irritability and irritability, and allows him to want to have his own independent space.
She gradually discovered that adolescence did not make her son useless, but on the contrary, he became more independent, assertive, and more manly and responsible than before.
She took a step back and changed her mindset, changing her confrontation in the face of her son's adolescent changes to acceptance and permission.
After feeling the change of his mother, her son is no longer the same as before, always refusing his mother's approach like a hedgehog, but will occasionally show his "soft belly" and talk to his mother about the confusion he encounters and the predicament he faces.
Of course, many of the problems of puberty that bothered us before are no longer insurmountable.
In "The Turn of a Thought", it is written:
"Most of our suffering comes from unacceptable facts and demands and criticisms of others. When I only do what I can and should do, the positive impact that will be produced invisibly will change the people, things, and things around me. ”
There is also a saying: "Pain is a choice." ”
Instead of fear and anxiety, it is better to change the mindset and appreciate the child's growth in the new stage.
From another perspective, think of adolescence as an iteration of the parent-child relationship, and you will find that all those anger, pain, and helplessness are gone.
Raising an adolescent child is a big challenge for parents, but a challenge doesn't mean a disaster.
Treating a child's adolescence as a disaster will really turn the child's adolescence into a complete disaster.
Not emotionally detached from the child
An education expert once said, "The best education in the world is nothing but love." ”
No matter what stage of the child is in, the simplest and most efficient parenting method must be to give the child complete love.
Because of the warm, intimate and honest parent-child relationship, children can feel a sense of security in their hearts when facing changes at any stage.
The host, Zhang Shaogang, shared one of his own parenting ideas.
He said that he was also strict with his son's education, but his son and him have always been very close.
And the reason is simply because, when his son was growing up, he gave his son almost all the unconditional love, and these complete loves that were given supported his son's trust and attachment to him.
Love is indeed the closest connection between parents and children.
Someone once did a study specifically on adolescent children and found a surprising result:
Adolescent children do not reject their parents as they appear to be, on the contrary, they need love from their parents even more than younger children.
I was deeply touched by this, and once when I unintentionally mentioned how cute my daughter was when she was a child, she was surprised to say: "Mom, I actually know that I am not good enough now, and I am not as worthy of your love as I was when I was a child." ”
At that time, I was very shocked, and quickly explained over and over again that my mother's love for her has never changed, but I can still feel the loss of my daughter.
Many parents actually have a misconception, that is, they think that adolescent children just want to be separated from their parents because of the need for independence. But it is overlooked that adolescent children are more insecure than ever.
It is also written in "The Developmental Psychology of Children": "Adolescents develop so-called 'imaginary audiences', who want to be the center of attention at all times. ”
All of them, including parents.
So sometimes you will find that they rebel again and again, and sometimes they are also testing whether their parents will really love and accept them unconditionally.
To sum it up in one sentence: "They both desire to be free from their parents' control and be free, but they are also afraid that their parents will psychologically 'abandon' them when they grow up." ”
Therefore, unreservedly telling adolescent children that no matter what they are going through, their parents will love them unconditionally, fully respect their changes, and discuss and establish the principles and rules of the new stage with them on an equal footing is the way they need the most love at this stage.
In fact, in the process of children's growth, it is difficult to say that every parent can be a perfect parent at all times, but loving children is definitely the simplest and most instinctive way of parenting.
In the 15th New Oriental Family Education Forum, Dong Yuhui said in his speech: "For various reasons, many parents will have shortcomings and regrets in family education, but these do not affect you to become an excellent parent, because love will drive you to do all the right things." ”
We can't decide what kind of person our children will become in the future, but we can decide what kind of parents we will become, and we can also decide how to love and raise our children.
New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy), a parenting platform that millions of parents pay attention to, conveys the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and actionable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a family habit.
If you like it, give me a "watching".