Hello everyone, I'm a cute mom!
There was once a picture that swept the parental circle, and you've probably seen it too.
This diagram covers several common family combinations, and almost every parent can be seated.
The happiness value of a family with a daughter is full in a straight line.
But recently I have seen a new sort of arrangement, believing that a family with one son and one daughter is the best combination.
Many netizens also commented and agreed, after all, such a combination satisfies the feelings of the word "good" in the hearts of many families.
Since it is a life experience, it is not a choice to raise a son or a daughter, it is all arranged.
Both children and daughters, both caring daughters and reliable sons, aren't they still winners in life?
56-year-old Sister Jia poured a basin of cold water on my envious thoughts.
01
When children become adults, they find that the word "good" is difficult to make
Sister Jia is an old colleague of mine, who lives not far from my house, and often meets her after taking a walk.
She had just retired, and she had not been idle for a few days, and she began to worry about her son's marriage again, and when she met with the girl's parents, the other party proposed that the bride price could not be much, but the man should provide a marriage room.
Sister Jia also has a young daughter who is in graduate school, and she is also the meat of her heart, thinking that her daughter has no job and no family, so she also left a room for her daughter at home.
Sister Jia originally considered taking out her savings to buy a new house for her son to marry her daughter-in-law, and leaving the house she lives in now to her daughter in the future, so that it is fair for two children to have one suite per person.
But the daughter felt that Sister Jia didn't have a bowl of water, so she gave all the good ones to her brother, and she had to set up an old house, and in a few years, it would be even more old and dilapidated, and the value of the two houses was not comparable.
The elder brother knew what his sister said, and he was also emotional, saying that after his sister got married, there was still a man who could provide a place to live, after all, his marriage was in front of him, which was the premise of marriage, and the prospective daughter-in-law was also pressuring.
This is good, Sister Jia made a good plan, but she didn't end up in front of her son and daughter.
Sister Jia said that her face was full of sadness, "I used to only think that I had children and daughters, and I didn't worry about anything, but now I know that there is no winner in life, this child has his own thoughts and calculations when he grows up, and it is more difficult to balance both children and daughters. ”
02
The contradiction that both children have to face is very realistic
When it comes to two children, we tend to feel that the pressure on families with two sons is the greatest, and when they reach adulthood, parents need to prepare double "capital" for them.
However, today's children have a stronger sense of individuality, and pay more attention to whether their family rights are respected and whether there are differences in rights and interests.
On the other hand, although both boys and girls are equally loved and cared for in most families, and parents hope to be able to support them when they become adults, sometimes sons and daughters face different practical problems, or when their parents' abilities are limited, it also causes different contradictions, and these contradictions and pressures are no less than those in boy-only families.
Contradiction 1: My parents want to give my younger brother a daughter-in-law as a bride price
I remember seeing a post elsewhere, "I'm getting married, but I have to pay for my brother's daughter-in-law....."
The girl was immersed in the joy of talking about marriage, but her parents reminded her that she could not let go of the man on the matter of the bride price, and complained to her daughter that the family conditions were there, and she needed her daughter to get the bride price as support to help her brother marry a daughter-in-law.
The girl felt very aggrieved, and felt that her parents usually said that they hurt her, but it turned out that they were just talking, and her parents had changed before she got married.
For some families, a house and a car are a big expense.
Although onlookers are well aware that there is a mainstream view of "no conditions, don't have children", but families with average conditions but many children are also real.
Although such a family does not necessarily prefer sons over daughters, it is easy to confuse the gains and losses of the whole family members when it comes to major economic problems, and hold the idea of tearing down the east wall to make up for the west wall, but ignoring that the children have grown up, are independent individuals, and have their own economic boundaries.
Contradiction 2: There is only one suite at home, and after getting married, there will be no home in my mother's house
Although my friend Zhang Lin is in the same city as her parents, she doesn't like to go back.
She said that she has lived with her parents and younger brother in the only house since she was a child, and she has always felt very warm.
When I was just getting married, I sometimes went home for two days on weekends.
But since my younger brother got married and still lived with his parents, he began to go home less often.
After the younger sister-in-law gave birth to a baby, her original room was also planned as a children's room by her parents.
Now when I go back to my parents' house during the Spring Festival, I want to rest for one night, but I can only set up a bed in the living room, feeling like a guest, and I can no longer find the sense of belonging I once had.
The allocation of resources in an ordinary family can really affect the relationship between family members.
I also saw the matter of "the daughter gets a dowry, and the son's house is a house" before.
Although the daughter in the matter complained that this was the patriarchal preference of her parents, how could the dowry of tens of thousands of yuan be compared with a house of millions of yuan.
But for parents in ordinary families, they may already be trying their best to balance.
Contradiction 3: Who do parents help take care of their children?
Help the daughter to bring, the daughter-in-law to make trouble, help the son to bring, the daughter feels that her parents are partial.
The son and daughter-in-law of the neighbor Aunt Zhang are dual-income workers, and the children are brought by Aunt Zhang after being busy before and after the confinement period, and the daughter-in-law who married far away also feels that her grandmother takes the child with her own grandmother, which is much more reassuring than asking her aunt.
But by coincidence, Aunt Zhang's daughter also married in another city, and she was recently pregnant, so she felt uncomfortable with her mother-in-law taking care of her, so she called again and again, wanting Aunt Zhang to take care of her.
Aunt Zhang looked at her three-year-old granddaughter beside her, in a dilemma, the palms and backs of her hands were full of meat, she couldn't bear to be wronged by her daughter, but she couldn't tie up her daughter-in-law to resign, but who would take her granddaughter?
discussed with his son and daughter-in-law, but as soon as he mentioned a few words, his daughter-in-law choked back, saying that Aunt Zhang was partiality and treated her as an outsider.
There was no way, Aunt Zhang had to turn around and come back to comfort her daughter, get through the pregnancy first, and talk about the rest later.
When the daughter heard this, she also lost her temper, saying that she was spilling water, and her father didn't love her mother.
Seeing that the children did not give in to each other, Aunt Zhang was angry and sad, saying that she couldn't cope with it, so she could only "offend" one side ruthlessly.
Nowadays, young parents are under double pressure, often unable to do both work and small family, and the help of the elderly is the most ideal state.
On the other hand, girls now grow up in a more tolerant environment and are more emotionally dependent on their mothers.
I hope that I will get the emotional support and personality tolerance of my parents during the confinement and with my children, so as to avoid some tiredness and contradictory responses.
But for parents, age limits physical strength and also limits their energy.
The age gap of grandchildren is large, and you can take turns to take care of them, but if the age gap of the children is small, it is a challenge to bring more than one child at the same time, and the problem of spatial distance is even more troublesome.
03
Parents of a son and a daughter, what to do?
1. Don't be biased!
This is so important! Either treat them fairly and give the same attention and support, or they are not biased and no one is treated specially.
Take a house as an example, if there are three sets, one set for each child; if there are two sets, after the house is realized, divide it into three parts, one for the elderly, and two for the children equally; if there is only one set, then no one will give it, save the pension money for themselves, and finally let the children divide it by themselves.
Otherwise, eccentricity will not only make the child's heart unbalanced, but also may affect the relationship between them!
2. Don't pull any of your children into conflicts.
Don't let a child become an ally of parents in the conflict, otherwise whether the conflict will be intensified or not, at least you pull people at the same time, you also stand in line.
Let the other child feel the imbalance you bring to him, and also create the opposition between the children with your own hands.
For example, the conflict with his son's small family is more likely to be unhappy with his daughter-in-law, so don't let her daughter interfere.
If you complain about something about your daughter, don't let your son or daughter-in-law get involved.
If we are not partial, and do not pull our children into contradictions, can a family with a son and a daughter be happy! Do you think I am right?
If you still have any ideas or experiences, please leave a message in the comment area! Let's discuss together to make the family better!
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