Betrayal is undoubtedly painful because it lasts so long and has so deep impact that many people are struggling to find a way to end it.
Either be self-consistent enough to forgive the betrayal of the other party, or decisively choose to separate and draw a clear line with this person from now on.
It's a pity that the vast majority of people are between these two ends, and they can't advance or retreat.
Is there a way to let go of a person's betrayal? Is it possible for the betrayed person to continue to suffer?
In fact, the best way to let go of betrayal is to give up the confrontation with betrayal and broaden one's existing boundaries in all dimensions.
The reason why many people find it difficult to let go of betrayal is because they don't know where their existing boundaries are, and because they don't know what dimensions their existing boundaries can be expanded. As a result, we can only choose to confront the fait accompli of betrayal in vain, and repeatedly fall into a vicious circle of entanglement and internal friction, both want and want.
Therefore, if you want to let go of your partner's betrayal, the first thing to do is to first confirm your psychological boundaries.
Only when we know where our boundaries are, can we know when to defend and when to fight back, so that we can build a sense of security on the basis of facing reality. Otherwise, if a person is not even sure when he will advance and when he will retreat, he will naturally fall into a great panic, and at the same time, in order to maintain his inner order from collapsing, he can only refuse to accept the reality, and in this way, he can at least maintain a sense of security at the inner level.
Let's first take a look at how personal boundaries are defined in psychology:
Psychological boundaries refer to the boundaries and protective mechanisms established by individuals on a psychological and emotional level. They define an individual's perception and protection of their own and others' emotions, needs, and boundaries. Psychological boundaries help individuals maintain their identity, maintain emotional health, and build healthy relationships with others.
In the process of dealing with cheating cases, I have found that many women only feel the existence of boundaries when their psychological boundaries are severely damaged. Most of the time, it seems that the only way to deal with our partner's behavior that makes us uncomfortable is to be tough or withdrawn.
For example, when our partner verbally makes us feel that we are being blamed or attacked, the tough way to deal with it is to fight back in the same way, and the way to withdraw is to suppress ourselves and endure it silently;
For example, when our partner's behavior makes us feel disappointed or neglected, the tough way to deal with it is to first hold back and then look at the opportunity to vent negative emotions to the other person in other small things, and the way to withdraw is to first endure and then silently belittle yourself, telling yourself that you should no longer expect anything from your partner.
In fact, both of the above methods belong to the failure to establish a good sense of boundaries in intimate relationships. Cheating is one of the most serious transgressions in an intimate relationship, and if you can't face and deal with other lightweight transgressions in the past, it will be difficult to let go of betrayal.
So, how do you create a sense of boundaries?
You can start by recognizing the impact of betrayal on you and think about what your partner's betrayal means to you.
Generally speaking, the biggest impact of betrayal on a person is the invasion of the entire comfort zone in the past, which is often a complete subversion from real life to inner cognition, bringing a devastating blow and a strong rejection reaction.
After experiencing betrayal, people usually have a state of inability to reconcile with the surrounding environment and their own hearts, everything around them seems to have lost their color because of the betrayal, and the previous enthusiasm for life and curiosity about people and things have also disappeared after the betrayal, and life has fallen into a state of stagnation.
Therefore, in order to free themselves from negative emotions and return themselves to their previous normal state, many people will be very eager to find a way to completely drive away the haze of betrayal, so as to reduce their pain and gain inner peace.
But at this time, you will find that the more you don't want to immerse yourself in betrayal, the more you can't get rid of the impact of this incident on you, you will uncontrollably recall the details of the other party's relationship with you, and correspond it to the node where the betrayal occurred, and you can't help but probe into the various experiences between your partner and a third party, even if you know that these will make you have more negative emotions, but you just can't control yourself.
In the state of being deeply trapped in the pain of betrayal but unable to make a choice, many people will also have a feeling of self-denial and disgust, because in the previous cognition, they should be a person with a bottom line, and they should make a choice immediately when they find out about it, and stay away from the person who hurts you, but when you really experience betrayal, you find that you can't let go of it immediately emotionally.
Whether it's a constant struggle over everything related to betrayal, or the inability to make a "reasonable" choice to someone who turns their backs on you, these are very normal and human reactions. And the reason why you are suffering is because you have been cognitively fighting against these normal reactions, and you do not want to be haunted by the pain, nor do you want to admit that you are nostalgic for the betrayer.
In fact, this non-acceptance of yours is the real reason why you can't get out of the pain of betrayal. Because "not being able to accept reality" can only happen in one situation, and that is when you surrender the right to interpret and define your own cognitions, emotions, and even behaviors. At this moment, you will find that you can only rely on the evaluations of others or social expectations to define yourself, and these evaluations and expectations from the outside world must be full of mutual exclusions and conflicts, and in the end, the incoherent inner experience will force you to focus on "questioning the reasonableness of reality":
Why did he do this to me?
What did I do wrong and he wanted to do this to me?
Why did this happen, we were all fine before?
The more you contend with the pain of betrayal, the more you will find yourself trapped in the emotional depths of it, and whether you decide to forgive or not, you will not be able to completely let go of the hurt of betrayal.
Only when we let go of our obsessions, start thinking deeply about the cognitions, emotions and behaviors that are centered on "me", and sincerely experience the power of acceptance and permission, will true cognitive awakening take place and you will have the opportunity to establish your own sense of boundaries.
In our daily lives, we always like to exaggerate the meaning of positive emotions, we want to be happy every day, and once negative emotions arise, such as anxiety, sadness, anger, etc., we will start to think of ways to remove them from the body, as if these emotions should not exist in themselves.
People's emotional reaction to a thing is determined by their current psychological state and cognitive level, whether it is positive emotions or negative emotions, in fact, they themselves are not right and wrong, but if you don't care about everything at all, don't be sad when you're sad, don't be angry when you're angry, this is a kind of immature psychological performance.
Therefore, when a betrayal occurs, you have to admit that you need to give yourself some time to digest it, that your negative emotions are a normal expression of emotion, and you have to live with it for a long time, waiting for time and experience to slowly clear this pain from your body.
The most important point is to always have a mentality of acceptance rather than confrontation, accept the occurrence of betrayal, accept the emotional dependence that cannot disappear immediately, accept you who cannot cheer up because of betrayal, accept the other party's emotional changes towards you, and so on.
When you are obsessed with letting go of betrayal, it is equivalent to setting many goals for yourself in your heart, such as: "I don't care about this person at all now", "I want to be positive, I can't indulge in negative emotions anymore", "I want to devote myself to work and life, and I have to work harder than before"...... The starting point of these expectations is good, but the result may be the opposite of what you really want to achieve, because you are not respecting yourself in the process, you are denying your emotional reactions and real needs, and you are presupposing an "ideal self" in the face of betrayal.
And the result of this is that, on the one hand, you can't stop yourself from a series of emotional reactions, even if you briefly understand something, but the pain of betrayal and the urge to repair the relationship will come back again and again to torment you, because we can't control our own real emotional reaction to something, on the other hand, the attachment to release will actually exacerbate your resistance to betrayal, and when you feel that you can't cope with betrayal the way you want, you can easily fall into self-doubt and self-denial。
Therefore, the first step to let go of betrayal is not to confront the betrayal itself, but to learn to live peacefully with it, accept all the manifestations of betrayal, accept a series of influences it brings to you, do not require yourself to be positive or make a decision immediately, give yourself some time for your emotions, and allow yourself to be relieved at this stage.
At this point, some people may say, "Doesn't my acceptance of my own intolerance mean that I have to sit back and endure the pain all the time?"
In fact, living with betrayal does not mean that you can do nothing, just wait for the emotions to disappear on their own. The true meaning of living with betrayal is that you establish your own boundaries while also expanding your existing boundaries little by little with an acceptance mentality.
Now that we've explained in detail how to eliminate the sense of confrontation with betrayal of reality by establishing borders, I'm going to break down the layers at which we can expand the existing boundaries.
Expanding one's existing boundaries can be divided into several levels, including cognitive boundaries, relational boundaries and life boundaries.
Let's start with cognitive boundaries.
The occurrence of betrayal must have had a very big impact on your previous cognition, for example, your perception of your partner has changed from a stereotype in the past to a prejudiced impression after betrayal; your view of marriage has changed from an absolute sense of security in the past to an absolute sense of crisis today; your view of human nature will also change from the good nature of human nature in the past to the evil nature of human nature now; your understanding of your own needs will also change from I am very independent in the past to I am humble now, etc., these are actually the contradictions that betrayal will bring to you.
People are accustomed to staying within the boundaries of their own familiar cognition, even if this cognition is not so consistent with reality, we will still tend to rationalize everything with familiar cognition, for example, you will attribute your partner's betrayal to the fact that he is a moral inferior, not because he feels deprived in marriage, and you will attribute the reason for the betrayal to the temptation of a third person, not to the relationship problem...... Understanding betrayal with old cognitive patterns can lead you to psychologically avoid what you are afraid to face, and thus immerse yourself in a false sense of relief.
However, the occurrence of betrayal is a reminder that there are already serious systemic problems in our relationships, and if you really want to come out of betrayal and develop physically and mentally, you must face up to the cognitive blind spots of the past when you look at marriage, your partner, your humanity, and yourself, and carefully understand the fixed problems that have made you feel uncomfortable with conflict and want to avoid escaping.
Are you too naïve about marriage? Do you really realize that marriage is a huge test for each other's feelings?
Are you too old in your perception of your partner, and do you really realize that he may have lost his desire to express and share with you over a long period of time?
Are you oversimplifying your understanding of human nature? Do you really realize that selfishness and giving, giving and taking, love and resentment are actually two sides of the same coin?
Are you too idealistic about yourself? Do you really realize that it's normal for diametrically opposed emotions to coexist within you, relying on warmth and aggression and accusation?
I know that each of these questions is difficult to answer, and even the process of searching for answers is a painful task of revealing one's own scars. However, immersing yourself in a short period of self-paralysis will not make you let go of betrayal faster, because those contradictions will constantly remind you that as long as you do not face up to those problems for a day, they will not be cleared from the depths of your heart for a day, and only by bridging the contradictions brought about by betrayal with a new cognition, can you truly say goodbye to betrayal and rise to a higher level from the place where you are imprisoned at the moment.
The second is the boundary on the relationship.
In their world, as long as one person is identified, then other people have become a background board, and this person is irreplaceable at the moment, the only person who can meet their needs.
Such people seem to be single-minded and affectionate, but in fact, it is easy to fall into paranoia when getting along with their partners, either they have paranoid possessiveness and control over their partners, or they have a paranoid sense of dependence and trust on their partners. Whether it is before or after the betrayal, it is difficult to truly face and deal with the contradictions and conflicts in the relationship, and it is difficult to communicate and exchange deeply with the partner.
If you are like this, you will find that no matter what the reason for your partner's betrayal, you are always very prone to clinging to a bad marriage. Neither can the partner respect and value their feelings, nor can they understand their partner's thoughts and needs. You have not been able to come out of the pain of betrayal because you have never been able to let go of the idealized expectations of the betrayer.
In fact, the best way to break this obsession is to increase your psychological resilience in the relationship and broaden the psychological boundaries in the relationship. Try to connect with others and realize that you need more than just one person can provide you, whether it's emotional value or material incentives.
The social scope does not need to be limited to marriage and family at all, friends and family are also important resources for us to broaden the boundaries of the relationship, when you always put your connection with the outside world on one person, you will have some non-objective obsessions, and this is the reason why you can't get out of betrayal.
Finally, there are the boundaries of life.
Putting the bonds between people in the whole course of life can only be regarded as a touch of color at best. One of the most realistic ways to let go of betrayal faster is to reduce the proportion of emotional relationships in your entire life.
Reducing the proportion does not mean that you empty the share, nor does it mean that you completely isolate the emotional relationship, but that you should strive to expand the world outside of the emotional relationship, such as your work development, your hobbies, your insights and experiences about the world, and so on.
I know that many people like to shrink themselves up and chew on their pain and complex emotions repeatedly in a small world, although this will make you feel safe, but it will not make your emotional state get any relief, but constantly thinking about a single event will make your thinking more and more cramped, until you fall into a desperate situation.
The right thing to do is to let the other things in your life infiltrate your world bit by bit, and it is certainly not easy to regain your enthusiasm for everything at once, but you can choose to take an hour out of your day to do something that has nothing to do with betrayal, let your mind take your mind off the matter for a while, and then keep raising it as your mindset changes.
You know, there is no kind of pain that is not worthless, we have to take up a shield to defend against, pain is just an encounter, and look at it rationally, just like looking at a river flowing before your eyes. You can't deny your emotions, and while negative emotions can make you uncomfortable, give yourself enough time to let them pass.
When your mental capacity grows as you embrace your emotions and expand your boundaries, betrayal doesn't become something you have to let go of.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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