There are two boys, the eldest of whom is in the fourth grade of primary school. After his 11th birthday, the child suddenly became "unspeakable". Asking the child "whether he wrote his homework", the child was like being lit a cannonball, and his temper broke out all of a sudden.
Life has also changed a lot - the child no longer likes to go out and play, likes the cat at home, does not like anyone to enter his room, yells and slams the door at the slightest disappointment, for fear that others will not hear his tantrums.
Parents can't say anything, and carefully accompany their children every day, which is exactly what answers the sentence: parents of adolescent children begin to become humble and endure again and again.
Cute little warm man, intimate little padded jacket, why did his temperament change all of a sudden?
The fourth and fifth grades, which are 11 and 12 years old, are already in the early adolescence age range set by the World Health Organization - 10 to 20 years old.
At this age, the development of the brain is at a complex and contradictory stage. "The Annoying "Brain" of Adolescence" reveals that the imperfect brain development of adolescents leads to rebellious and emotional impermanence in adolescents.
As children enter puberty, the hormonal balance in the body is disrupted, and the changing hormones are the root cause of making it difficult for children to control their emotions. Therefore, adolescent children show emotionality, rebellion, and disobedience to parental discipline because their brains are developing.
This change makes the child seem more emotional, calm for a while and grumpy for a while. But it's also the process of a child's growth from a child to an adult.
At this age, how can parents communicate and help their children get through adolescence smoothly?
Chat with a mom whose child is 12 years old. Every day when children come home, they want to play mobile phones, watch videos, and play games. When it comes to her children's homework, she is helpless.
She said that the child has changed a lot recently - obviously disobedient, does not like to do homework, procrastinates, as if he has just returned to school.
As a mother, I can only be patient and remind a few more times. Unexpectedly, he changed back to his son's "explosive voice": "You know how to ask about homework, can you not ask, can you ignore me?" and then shook his hand and closed the door, and locked it with a click.
The mother felt very uncomfortable and helpless, wasn't it the same question as usual, why did the child blow up?
After reading the book "Why doesn't my adolescent talk to me?", I have summarized 4 tips for communicating with my child to restore peace to parent-child communication.
1. Communicate when your child wants to
Monteriso once said, "Never disturb a child unless you are invited by it." ”
It's not that the adolescent doesn't communicate, it's not that it doesn't know how to communicate, it's that it doesn't like nagging, repetitive, unnutritious communication. For example, ask your child 8 times a day, "Did you do your homework?"
For children, what they need is their parents' attention to them, and their presence when they need help from their parents.
There is a saying in psychology that is especially suitable for the needs of children at this stage - "do not ask for help, respond to requests".
Summary: When communicating with your adolescent, avoid nagging. Show up when your child needs help.
2. Communicate with your child with a sense of boundaries
Many parents are worried about their children's early love and inquire if there are any classmates of the opposite sex who are too close to their children. In fact, there may be nothing between children, but the anxiety of parents and too much preaching seem to "settle the matter" for children.
The parietal lobe is the area of control sensation, and the frontal lobe is the area of impulse control. These two parts of the brain are not well developed, which can easily lead to emotional development in children.
The attitude of the parents and their own emotions make the children's emotions stronger.
If the parent-child relationship is harmonious, when the child encounters a problem, the first thing that comes to mind is to communicate with the parents and solve their doubts. Adolescence is developing a "search for and building self-identity", so don't deny and doubt your child, let alone control your child.
Summary: Communicate normally with your child, just like a friend, with a sense of boundaries.
3. Pay attention to the "McLabin Law" in equal dialogue
There is a law in psychology - McLabine's Law, which states that people rely on 55% of information by sight, 38% by hearing, and 7% by information.
That is, when adults talk to children, the parents' expressions and tone are more likely to be remembered by children.
For children who are emotional in adolescence, mothers only need to convey their messages gently and concisely.
For example, we often encounter things in life:
Hope that the child will have an extra piece of clothing. For kindergarten children, I will take clothes for them to wear, and tell them to "wear more, otherwise they will catch a cold and get sick." ”
When my sister reaches puberty, I only need to objectively tell my child that "today is 16 degrees, 4 degrees lower than yesterday", and the child will judge whether to increase or decrease clothes.
Summary: If you want your child not to be rebellious, parents can use the right method, and your child can also become a "donkey".
4. Communicate with your child carefully and attentively
Children can communicate and are willing to communicate with their parents. Adolescent children prefer two-way communication with their parents rather than one-way chatter as children. But only if the child can feel that his parents are willing to communicate with him.
Recall that when you communicate with your child, do you look into his eyes gently? Do you listen to your child while looking down at your mobile phone and reading information?
Teenage children may not be interested in what adults say and find unnutritious. But if you want to have a heart-to-heart relationship with your child, understand your child's life, and build a bridge of communication, this is a good opportunity. So, be sure to gossip with your child, but also talk seriously.
Summary: Adolescent children no longer need to lecture about their "enemies", but want to get a "person of their own" who is consistent with their own position.
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The book, Why Won't My Adolescent Talk to Me?, is written by Dr. John Coleman, an adolescent counsellor and senior research fellow at the University of Oxford.
The book explains the changes in the invisible brain development and visible external manifestations of adolescent children, which can help parents better understand and better cope with adolescent children, and make appropriate guidance.
For example, in the use of two-way communication,
When we remind our children to do their homework, they will say "it's time to do their homework", which is a declarative sentence with a commanding tone. When the child hears it, he feels that his parents are ordering him and telling him what to do. The child doesn't need to say anything, just do what he says, this is pure one-way communication.
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What is two-way communication? Two-way communication is when both parties to the communication have the opportunity to express.
The book also introduces "what affects the effectiveness of parent-child communication", "how to improve the effectiveness of parent-child communication", and the most effective "authoritative parenting style" and other content related to adolescent children.
If you have an adolescent child at home, or the child is about to enter puberty, be sure to read this book, I believe it will help you reduce your worries, so that the time with your adolescent child is also warm and happy.
Why doesn't my adolescent child talk to me The original book resolves parent-child conflict ¥49.9 Buy
After having children, parents also need to keep learning. I believe that parents who have mastered the method can become good friends of their children!
I'm Mom A, sharing parenting moments.