With the overwhelming amount of parenting knowledge and psychological knowledge now, more and more parents are beginning to realize how important their children's sense of security is.
Children with a sense of security have a warm undertone of life.
They have healthy relationships, they don't have a lot of emotional exertion, and they can focus their energy to explore the world and learn new things.
Everyone has been unconsciously angry with their children because they can't face their frustrations, and the author uses ordinary small things as an example to guide readers to discover the emotions behind the incident that have not been dealt with well.
When we no longer tie our sense of self-worth to the approval of our family and the performance of our children, we are loosening these relationships and leaving room for our own lives.
How sad it can be for a child who lacked love in childhood to grow up
Did you know that happy people are healed by the love of their childhood all their lives, while those who are unhappy are healed of their childhood all their lives.
Psychologist Erikson once said that the cultivation of a child's sense of security before the age of three is crucial.
You will find that those children who have a sense of security from an early age, they are emotionally stable, have a peaceful personality, and will take the initiative to find ways to solve difficulties when encountered, and they can integrate well into the group and live a healthy and happy life.
On the other hand, those who are insecure may be sensitive and suspicious, pessimistic and negative, or cold and unreasonable.
Nowadays, there are many children who are prone to internal friction, always feel that they are not good enough, and endlessly condemn and dislike themselves!
If you want to open the cycle of "not being loved", you should first make it clear that the reason for children's sensitive personality, low self-esteem, and difficulty in getting along is that their parents do not love them well, and immature upbringing causes children to lack the ability to love.
Children do not get enough sense of security in childhood, so the series of hysterical behaviors that follow are a kind of self-protection and defense.
The book "There is no shortage of love in childhood" tells us that as parents, we should cultivate children's sense of security from an early age, give children a childhood full of love, and let them have a sense of security throughout their lives.
What we mean by seeing is when we empty our minds of all preconceptions and see through our children their unique personality traits, age stages, and inner needs that lie deep behind their behaviors.
Don't let your child experience a sense of "deprivation" when they need a sense of security
We all know that when children are young, they will always want this and that, especially snacks and toys, in the world of children, the more the better, for this problem, 90% of parents will feel that they can't get used to their children, which will make children become very greedy.
Therefore, most parents are very strict about what their children want, and they will not easily follow their children's wishes, and want to train their children to develop material self-control.
In the book "There is no lack of love in childhood", Xinxin's mother pointed out that not giving the child what he wants is actually creating a sense of deprivation for the child.
In this way, children will enter the society with a sense of scarcity, and become people in society who like to hoard things and mistakenly pursue material things, and when they are young, they will experience a sense of scarcity, and when they grow up, they will have a shadow in this regard, and they will want to have more in this area.
Because I experienced a sense of lack when I was a child, how can I have a sense of security in my heart?
Xinxin's mother also believes in the book that there are many ways to educate, and children's growth is gradual, when children are fed and clothed, and feel the unconditional love of their parents, they do not need to rely on the satisfaction brought by material things, and it is appropriate to start learning how to self-denial at this time.
Satisfy the child first, and then teach the child how to self-deny, so as to avoid bringing a "sense of want" to the child.
How can it be done, Xinxin's mother cited her own experience of raising her daughter Xinxin in the book:
Xinxin is now 5 years old, after a period of always wanting to buy this and that after school, she fixed the amount of pocket money for Xinxin, and since Xinxin knew that her pocket money was limited, she began to not spend money indiscriminately, but spent the money on the things she wanted to buy the most.
In this example, it can be seen that Xinxin's mother first satisfied her daughter, and then began to use some methods to teach her to learn self-denial. This approach is much better than being strict with the child from the beginning and not meeting the child's requirements.
It is the right way to raise children to get a sense of satisfaction and security, and then to pursue a better level of needs.
Don't let your child experience a sense of "scarcity" when they need a sense of security, but don't indulge it all the time, learn to observe your child's growth stage, and then teach your child a higher level of development needs when it is appropriate!
All parents have the same idea of wanting to raise their children better, but I think that in this better, the happiness of their children is the most important thing, right?
In the child's childhood, to meet the child's needs for love and security, so that the child's childhood is not lacking in love, such a child will be happy in the process of growing up.
How to truly see and understand children
As a parent, it is important to understand your child's unique personality traits, age and real needs that lie beneath the behaviour so that you can respond appropriately when your child is signaling.
This is what the child is really "seen", and to put it bluntly, the child is fully accepted.
Just like there are no two identical leaves in the world, every child is different, parents should pay special attention to this, not to compare with other children, but through learning to understand the child's temperament.
It is important to understand the personality traits and age stages of the child, because each age stage of the child has a sensitive period.
Once these rules are understood, parents will no longer complain about why a 2-year-old can't sit quietly at the table and eat a meal, or wonder why a 4-year-old can't control his emotions.
The author particularly emphasizes that the so-called seeing is not blind encouragement, but the careful accompaniment and capture of the details of the child's words and deeds, and the quality and effort of the child.
Instead of blindly exaggerating the facts and perfunctory, encouraging children realistically can guide children to build their own self-esteem without relying on the evaluation of others to define themselves.
Listen to your child's voice
The famous American educator Deborah Maya famously said: The most important thing in school is to listen to children's voices.
As children grow up, they will have their own ways or means of expressing their emotions and needs.
Maybe it's a rebellious act, maybe it's a loud cry, maybe it's a bad word, maybe it's a bad performance.
Parents can see the real needs of their children through these appearances, and give love reasonably, so that children feel safe in love. That's what we do to listen to your child's voice.
Parents must first cultivate as well, we are a warm harbor, let them go far away, do not ask about the return date, and wait for the return of their children at any time.
I especially like a quote from the author:
"My dear child, I hope I am ready, even if you reach out with a sharp knife that will stab me, I also want to transform into a ball of soft cotton, wrap "malice", and return your warmth.
I want you to feel the boundless love and warm kindness of the whole world through me. ”
Lung Yingtai once said:
"Play is the foundation of heaven and earth learning. ”
It is through constant play that children learn interpersonal communication and learn various survival skills.
Therefore, if parents want to understand their children, they must use their children's language to communicate with their children.
When we use the language of games to communicate sincerely with children, children can feel safe and grounded, and will be willing to listen to their parents.
How do we use the language of play to communicate with our children?
Help your child express themselves with the help of play
This kind of "role reversal" game, which puts children on the side of power, will relieve their tension and fear, and can also allow parents to see the real state of their children.
As Xinxin's mother said in "There is no lack of love in childhood":
"When children participate in the game and dramatize real scenes, we often take the opportunity to see the whole picture of things and intuitively understand the children's situation and feelings. ”
Therefore, when parents feel that their child's state is not right, ask their child, and the child can't explain clearly, they can help the child express it through the game of "role-playing".
When we take the initiative to enter the child's world and learn to use the child's language, we can truly communicate effectively with the child.
Write to the end
Starting from the real and vivid parenting cases of himself and his friends, the author uses the way of chatting to explain how to cultivate children's sense of security in daily life and give children a childhood without lack of love.
In the first few years of a child's life, physical security is as important as psychological security.
People who are insecure will spend their whole lives looking for it.
Instead of paying attention to various early education training and devoting themselves to chicken babies, mothers should really focus on the cultivation of their children's sense of security.
A child with a sense of security will be happy all his life.