Psychologist: Children who grow up with a strong sense of value have been loved unconditionally when they were young
Author: Mu Qingye, the main creative group
If someone says to you:
"Give me your child from birth, as long as he is healthy and can be disciplined by me.
Then I can guarantee that no matter what occupation the child's parents have, what economic level, or what family background.
I can help you train your child to be whatever you want him to be. ”
With this simple, crude, purposeful and programmed education, would you agree to give your child to him?
It is said that this type of education was proposed by John Watson, the founder of behaviorist psychology, who believed that people are just machines that react passively to environmental stimuli, and that as long as they receive programmed education, they can get programmed results.
Unfortunately, Watson's children, when they grew up under his parenting, died by suicide, attempted suicide multiple times, and fled from wandering.
Children are not machines, they can run automatically when they are programmed and powered on.
On the contrary, it must be watered with love, supplemented by small nurturing, in order to finally water an unexpected surprise.
Jin Weichun, who used to write a special issue for the China Times, said: "My mother gave me the best education in the world, which is called nothing but love." ”
Education is the way, love is the background.
"Effective" education can only achieve temporary results in the short term;
"Unconditional" love can make a child shine for a lifetime.
Because, love, has its own power.
Children who live in love grow up with their own light
"You're my first guest back. ”
In a concert by singer Chen Chusheng, his son was the returning guest of the tour, and a drumming solo exploded the audience.
Some netizens commented: "I don't envy him for being able to play at his father's concert, I envy his father for looking at him with pride in his eyes." ”
Yes, children who play at concerts are worthy of pride from their parents, and children who do their little things well in daily life are also worthy of pride from their parents.
This performance at the concert is only a stroke of his son's resume, but from his father's proud gaze, it must be the strength that supports him to go further.
Pang Zhongwang, who was admitted to Tsinghua University with a high score of 744, has a poor family, but every interview has stars in his eyes, he said: "I never feel that there is anything wrong with my family, my parents, my grandparents, they all love me so much." ”
Wang Shiling, who was called the most relaxed by netizens, a photo of her mother looking at her with loving eyes has made many people sigh: Li Xiang's unconditional appreciation and love have achieved Wang Shiling's greatest confidence and self-confidence in growth.
Someone on Zhihu once asked: "What kind of child will be better when he grows up?"
Someone replied: "I don't know what the standard of excellence is, but I know that those children who have been unconditionally loved by their parents since childhood, when they grow up, must live a healthy, confident, comfortable and contented life." ”
I read a story about an entrepreneur who talked about his entrepreneurial experience.
He said he worked as a salesman when he was young and was never afraid of rejection.
Because he believes deep down in his heart that as long as he persists, he will definitely be able to impress the other party.
Under the interviewer's questioning, I learned that the entrepreneur's parents, who taught him since he was a child, that is, no matter what he does, he will firmly say: "You must be able to." ”
There is a quote in Child Psychology that says, "Children learn the rules of interpersonal communication at home, and the home is also a safe base for them when they encounter the confusion of the outside world." ”
Put simply, how children interact with their parents during childhood will determine how they interact with other people when they grow up.
What the family looks like in childhood is what the child will look like in the future when he grows up.
Self-confidence is self-confidence because of love
Whenever there is news of school bullying rushing to the hot search, it will trigger a wave of discussion among parents about the topic of "what kind of child is not easy to be bullied on campus".
Under the comments on this issue, in addition to factors such as the child's own personality and school environment, almost without exception, someone will put forward the sentence: "Children who are deeply loved by their parents are the least likely to be bullied." ”
An author of Triptych Weekly once shared his experience of school bullying for 7 years.
In sixth grade, she was inexplicably pushed down from a stool by a transfer student, and has been verbally bullied by that classmate ever since.
Even though she herself tried to be a good student in the top class, these bullying never stopped.
A scar on her arm at the age of 12 was still a thorn in her body and heart at the age of 35.
She said she also turned to her parents for help when she was a child.
But all they care about is studying, and they only love her with good grades, not with her who will hurt.
She knew that her parents would not fight for fairness and justice for her, and would only give her all their complaints.
She endured, endured, endured, endured until she was finally admitted to college, and endured until she finally became strong.
When she grew up, she gave a public lecture on school bullying, exposed her scars to others, and told the story:
"I have found that the victims of school bullying are largely due to the fact that parents pay too little attention and love to their children. The child cannot get support from home, so he does not dare to fight back and show his attitude. ”
In the process of growing up, every child will encounter some bullying experiences, and the results are different, not because of the difference in children, but whether they have parents who can rely on them.
When we complain about why those bullied children don't know how to resist, do we have a moment to think: have we given our children the confidence to dare to resist?
I have read a sentence from psychologist Wu Zhihong: "Self-confidence does not mean that you believe in yourself, but because of love, you are confident." ”
Many times we think that children will be confident because of certain conditions, such as good grades, doing a certain thing, winning a certain honor, and so on.
But when children fall into the logic of being confident because of conditions, the other side of them will think that once these conditions are gone, then they are not worthy of love.
But if parents give their children from an early age an unconditional trust, unconditional appreciation and unconditional love, which is established in the child's heart, is a condition that will not be lost, or they will feel that they do not need conditions to get love, then self-confidence will naturally be established.
As the saying goes, "The opposite of helplessness is a sense of control." ”
Conditional love induces the child's sense of helplessness, and unconditional love raises the child's sense of control.
If children can have a full sense of control over their first relationship at the beginning of their lives, they will not fall into a state of complete helplessness in the relationship, and they will naturally develop a better personality.
Therefore, unconditional love is ultimately building a child's high sense of approval.
When a child thinks "I'm worth it", he naturally has the confidence that "I can".
Highest level of upbringing
It is to accept the different faces of the child
I saw a very distressing video on the Internet.
A mother with her daughter plays the violin in front of the famous conductor Benjamin Zand.
At the end of the performance, there was a round of applause.
Benjamin also praised the little girl's piano skills.
Then he took the little girl to the girl's mother and asked her:
"Do you think your daughter is pretty?"
"I don't think it's pretty......"
"And do you think your daughter is doing well?"
"Not very good......"
"But if this were my daughter, I would praise her with all the best words in the world, and I would say to her that with her my world is full of joy. As a mother, you don't need to pass on anxiety to her, the only thing you have to do is to make her grow up happy. ”
In "Deep Relationships", it is written that parents are reluctant to praise their children for two reasons:
The first is that the parents themselves are serious all-powerful narcissists, so no matter what the child does, they feel that they are not good enough to meet their expectations;
The second is that even if parents recognize and praise their children in their hearts, they will feel that if they praise their children, they will put their children in the high level of the narcissistic dimension, while the parents themselves are in the low level of the narcissistic dimension, and they cannot accept this transformation of status.
But no matter what the parent's reason is, there is only one consequence for the child, that is, low value, low self-esteem, and low recognition.
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng also said: "A person's real interpersonal relationship is the result of the projection of his inner object relationship. ”
For children, the most important object is the parents, and this object relationship will develop the inner parents and the inner self.
A child's evaluation of himself is his inner parent's evaluation of his inner self.
Children's recognition and evaluation of themselves come from relationships.
What parents say about their children, children will evaluate themselves.
is like the girl who plays the violin in the video, there is no smile on her face during the whole process, and this is not because she also recognized the pseudo-fact that she is not good from her mother's evaluation of herself.
Yi Nengjing's son Harry said in an interview that he is most grateful that when many people have questioned him, only his mother will say: "Son, mother is always behind you." ”
Parents are the watchmen of their children.
If you want your child to receive unconditional love, you must first give your child unconditional acceptance and recognition.
As Huang Shiming said: "You don't need to accept the child's behavior, you just need to accept the different aspects of the child's heart." ”
There are no perfect parents, and there are no perfect children.
When we see a child's behavior that may not meet our requirements for the time being, we should not rush to criticize, but can calm down and touch the child's deep heart for the needs of parents.
Connect our hearts with the hearts of our children, open to each other, see each other, and accept each other.
Love is a silent force.
Parents accept their children's vulnerability and helplessness with unconditional love, and children feel the warmth and softness of their parents, so that they can finally become truly strong in the future.