Psychologist Marshall Luxemburg once said:
"We may not think that the way we talk is violent, but language does often cause pain for ourselves and others. ”
I think so.
In real life, some parents often fall into the misunderstanding of violent communication, hurting others without knowing it.
They use a lofty posture and unscrupulous words, trying to inspire the child's sense of guilt and guilt with a reckoning style.
However, such a practice not only does not exchange the child's gratitude, but can lead to the child's hostility and alienation.
Therefore, don't try to be quick with your tongue for a while, and use words to bring lifelong trauma to your child.
In particular, the following words should not be said to your children lightly, otherwise you will eventually reap the consequences and regret it.
"The family is very poor, don't spend money indiscriminately"
Not long ago, I saw a netizen's sharing describing a father and son he met by chance.
A dad takes his kids to KFC to buy children's meals.
What was supposed to be a time of laughter and fun, the father chose to carry out a heavy ordeal education.
He said to the child:
"You know, your meal costs me half a day's hard work. ”
The child's face, which was originally full of anticipation and joy, instantly became solemn after hearing these words.
He was silent, the light in his eyes fading.
There is also a mother who posted her daily routine of eating cabbage fried rice on the Internet, and revealed that her son spends more than 30 yuan a day on school meals, and a cup of milk tea costs more than 20 yuan.
She had hoped to gain sympathy and understanding from others.
But unexpectedly, netizens were extremely disgusted by this, and persuaded the mother not to eat hard.
Looking at the past news posted by this mother, it is not difficult to infer that the family's living standard has at least reached a well-off level.
The most terrible thing in a family is not poverty, but the "poverty" of the parents, which causes great pressure on the children in the way of crying poverty.
It is certainly commendable to want to cultivate children's quality of thrift, but it is by no means achieved by crying poor.
The real education lies in the fact that parents guide their children to establish a correct concept of consumption and learn to live within their means, rather than blindly telling their children that "this is too expensive, we can't afford it".
I think of a friend who was deeply touched by the way she treated her daughter.
After her husband went bankrupt, the family was in financial trouble, and she was so poor that she couldn't open the pot, so she had no choice but to turn to her parents for help to tide over the difficulties.
My friend used to be a typical housewife, and in the face of sudden changes, she frowned all day long, and ran around looking for a job to relieve the financial pressure on her family.
At this time, her third-grade daughter used the pocket money she usually saved to buy a necklace worth 30 yuan for a friend.
The child innocently said to his friend:
"Mom, don't be unhappy, I bought the most expensive necklace in the commissary, you must be very beautiful in it. ”
In the face of this unexpected gift, although her friend was worried about the family's financial situation, she did not blame the child for spending money indiscriminately.
On the contrary, she is deeply grateful, not only understanding her daughter's filial piety, but also seeing this heart as a driving force for progress.
Mother Teresa once said:
"We think poverty is hunger, lack of clothing, and lack of housing;
However, the greatest poverty is not needed, unloved, and uncared for. ”
Long-term crying of poverty can lead to two extremes.
First, it is to make children feel inferior, dare not have, dare not pursue.
They live in the shadow of "lack of money" all the time, their hearts are full of undeserved thoughts, and life seems to be only black and white, losing the splendor and brilliance that should be.
Second, it is the child who will take revenge consumption as an adult, trying to fill the emptiness in his heart through material satisfaction, in order to seek a sense of security, identity and control.
They will try to make up for the lack of the past in their constant indulgence, but they will often fall into a deeper predicament.
Family affection should be warm and pure, don't let children carry too heavy moral baggage and drift away from us.
"Everyone else can do it, why can't you?"
Napoleon Hill, an American success educator, once said:
"Every child has many strengths, and parents are the opposite, they always look at their children's shortcomings.
It is believed that only by managing children's shortcomings can children grow up better.
In fact, it is like a crappy craftsman who cannot make perfect porcelain. ”
In order to spur their children, some parents will habitually compare their own children with other people's children.
As everyone knows, everyone's growth trajectory is completely different, and comparing one person's shortcomings with others' strengths will only increase troubles.
Developmental psychology tells us that there are huge differences between individuals.
Every child is developing at a different pace, at a different level, and in what they excel in, so it's important to be more inclusive and understanding of how they grow.
In the satirical short film "Other People's Children", there is a mother who does not smile and has high standards and strict requirements for her children.
She always uses her neighbor Xiaomei as a benchmark to make endless comparisons with her daughter.
Whenever her daughter's grades dropped slightly, she scolded her daughter for not being angry, and her neighbor Xiaomei was able to be at the top every time, and her parents didn't have to worry about it at all.
In the midst of her mother's reproach, the daughter became timid, full of fear of failure, and her self-confidence was shattered.
After a lot of hardships, my daughter finally stepped into the university gate.
However, instead of complimenting, the mother scolded without saying anything.
It turned out that Xiaomei was admitted for full exemption, and her daughter had to pay her own tuition.
When her daughter entered the society and began to live independently, her mother still refused to give up, and often pointed fingers at her daughter's love life on the grounds that Xiaomei married into a wealthy family.
Finally, the daughter could not bear this endless comparison and belittling, and she asked rhetorically:
"Why don't you want to be Xiaomei's mother?"
The mother, however, put all the blame on her daughter, complaining:
"If I knew you were so uncompetitive, I shouldn't have made do with your father for you!"
Time flies, and the girl has become a mother.
And her mother still doesn't change her old habits, and asks her daughter to sign up for an early education class for her children as soon as possible, because other people's children have already registered.
At this time, the girl decisively interrupted her mother and said firmly:
"There's nothing to compare to, I'm not going to make him a second me. ”
In the short film, the girl, because of her mother's comparison and expectations, has always lived in the shadow of "someone else's child".
However, in fact, the neighbor Xiaomei is not perfect, and there are many unsatisfactory times in her life, but her parents will always patiently encourage her.
Some people say:
"The biggest PUA I have received in my life is from my parents. ”
Every child is unique, and they should not be bound by the standard of "someone else's child".
Don't be a critical parent, otherwise no matter how much you pay, you won't be able to get your child's gratitude.
"I'm all for your good, don't be unappreciative"
Caderon once said:
"Words are the most dangerous weapons, and the wounds of the sword are easier to heal than the wounds of the language piercing. ”
In the TV series "In the Name of Family", Qi Mingyue's mother is impressive.
She has been trying to control the trajectory of her daughter's life.
not only frequently denied her daughter's choice, but also invisibly deprived her of control over her life.
When her daughter eats and orders, she dislikes "just the same three things".
When her daughter was shopping for clothes, she began to chatter:
"I don't like to be clean and wear white. ”
"Black is not for you, wear more bright ones. ”
"How old are you, you still wear pink clothes, can you have time to read more fashion magazines?"
She believes that only by being a lawyer and a prosecutor can she have a future, so she tries her best to hope that her daughter can be admitted to the University of Political Science and Law.
However, in the face of her mother's strong control, Qi Mingyue's heart was full of struggle and resistance.
At the critical moment of the college entrance examination, she even did not hesitate to deliberately scribble the answer sheet, just to escape from this suffocating bondage.
From ordering food to dressing, from work to love, Qi Mingyue's mother always pointed out the country in the name of "I am not denying you, I am for your good and caring about you".
Zhou Guoping once said:
"The child is only temporarily fostered with his parents, and the day of send-off will inevitably come, and you will miss it, but you can't go with it.
The child will surely embark on his own path of life, you can bless, but you cannot control it. ”
One day, the child will grow up and embark on a life's journey alone.
At that moment, you will be full of concern, but you can only watch its back fade away.
Therefore, learning to respect their children's unique personality, looking at their growth from an objective and rational perspective, being cautious in their words and deeds, and avoiding unintentional words becoming stumbling blocks on their way forward is a compulsory course for every parent.
Write at the end
I've seen such a sentence:
"Words are really the least efficient communicator. They are the most likely to invite wrong interpretations and the most misleading. ”
I think so.
Even if you are angry again, you should think twice about what you say to your children.
Don't treat your child as a trash can for your own emotions, replace scolding and commands with loving words, communicate well with your child, and sincerely accept and understand your child emotionally.
When parent-child communication is smooth, education can be immediate.
— END —