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My ex-husband asked me to leave the house and didn't let me see the children
Text/Yan Lingyang
Netizen private message (followed by fat sheep reply):
Hello Mr. Yangyang, I have been paying attention to you silently and have learned a lot from you. Now that marriage is in a desperate situation, I want to hear your opinion.
My husband and I have a four-year-old boy who filed for divorce last year, and because the man did not agree to the divorce in court, the final judgment was not to divorce. During this period, due to the obstruction of the man and the man's family, it was difficult for me to see the child, and the man kept using the child to blackmail me into leaving the house, and I thought about giving up my property and agreeing to divorce, but in the process of picking up the child recently, the man has been instigating the child not to go with me.
Last week I was at the kindergarten gate with my child's grandmother, and I told my child's grandmother that I would take the child for two days on the weekend, but the child's grandmother never let go, and we argued for a while on the main road, and I still didn't pick up the child.
For this reason, I decided to file a second lawsuit, because even if I give up my property, with the character of a man, it is difficult to guarantee that I will be able to take care of my children normally after the divorce by mutual agreement. Since I separated last year, I have asked the community, the Women's Federation, and the police because of the problem of picking up the children, but it has not helped.
My current pain is that I don't have the financial means to raise my children alone (no house, unemployed, no mother's family), and I may eventually have to hand over my children to my husband to raise. I am very reluctant to have children, and I really want to accompany them to grow up, but if I don't get divorced, I can't live in that home at all.
The man has not worked for four years, lives by relying on a building affiliation and playing mahjong, and often finds fault with me, saying that I call his mother less, that I am not good to his mother, and often acts cold violence against me, and when they quarrel, he and his mother talk about me together, and have always hidden his property from me, and I don't know anything about his property status.
Last year, he asked me to ask my parents for money to study for their children, and I didn't agree, so he was very upset, and then we quarreled again because of the problem of the child's pants peeing, and he slapped me, and I moved out. I have been enduring for the sake of my children, and when I lived in that home, I was not happy for a day, and I even wanted to jump off the building when I was in pain.
Now I am in a stalemate with the man, the man does not let me pick up the child now, does not want to share the property with me, and asks me to leave the house and go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to divorce her by agreement, but I can't trust him now, it is very likely that he will not let me see the child after the divorce.
I still want to file for divorce, mainly for the repayment of the loan after marriage and the appreciation of the real estate, about 200,000 yuan. I don't have the financial ability to raise the children alone, I am really confused, I feel that it is not easy to go any way, and I don't know what to do to pick up the children smoothly after the divorce. I am very sorry for the child, and I am very worried that the child will resent me in the future, so I asked Teacher Yang Yang to give me some advice. Looking forward to hearing from you. Thanks! (can be published anonymously)
Fat Sheep replied:
Your experience truly shows how much risk a woman has to take and how much passivity she has to endure when she rashly enters into marriage and has children without financial independence.
Your problem is not something that can be solved by giving you a little advice, because your problem is a problem of lack of resources, not a problem of ways and means. And the problem of lack of resources can only be solved by yourself, I can't give you money, and I can't call on netizens to donate money to you.
You want to fight for child custody, but if you don't have a house, you're unemployed, and your family isn't working, then basically the chances of you getting it are zero. Even if you win it, you may not be able to raise a child and put yourself in a desperate situation.
Yes, you don't want child custody, just face a dilemma, but if you do, you are in a desperate situation.
I can understand emotionally that you are still thinking about child custody when you are unable to protect yourself, but from a rational point of view, I don't approve of it. Why is it that when the emergency instructions are broadcast on the plane, it is emphasized that adults should first put on oxygen masks for themselves and then put them on children? It is because adults can only have the strength to protect and save children when they take care of themselves first, and you obviously do not have the ability to protect children at all, so you are really not qualified to consider this issue.
IMHO, it is also very difficult for you to divide the part of the joint repayment of the mortgage and the appreciation of the property after the marriage of the man. As long as the other party provides evidence to prove that you are unemployed, have no stable residence, and do not have the help of your mother's family, it will be difficult for you to win custody of the child. If you can't get custody, you can't get child support. If the child is awarded by the court to the man, and the man can even ask you to pay child support, then the property you want to divide may become a "child support deduction", and you will not get it.
Even if you win custody of your children, if you meet such a scumbag husband, it is very likely that you will not be able to get child support, and you will still not be able to support yourself and your children. The reason why the man will ask you to "let you find your parents to get money and send your children to school" is that in the final analysis, they dislike that you have no job and no income. The man stands with his mother to deal with you, and just wants to squeeze you out of the family. They should be extremely selfish and cold-blooded people, who only see you as a burden to that family, so you should not have any hope for them anymore, and do not have too much hope for lawsuits and division of property.
When the days come to this, this marriage will definitely be divorced, so you must file a second lawsuit. Usually when you file a lawsuit for the second time, the court will grant a divorce. I think instead of struggling with how to fight for property and visitation rights for your children, you should go out and find a job first, even if it's a basic restaurant waiter, and then support yourself first. Then, slowly save money and accumulate confidence.
At this time, it is unacceptable for mother's love to overflow, because mother's love also needs to be attached. You first find a way to make money, first to support yourself, and then to grow yourself.
Some divorced women around me were once forced by their husbands to run out of ammunition and food, but they still gritted their teeth and fought back, and finally fought their way out of the bloody and alive. In the past few years, they have lived well, and the children they were hidden by their ex-husbands will also be strong, and they will be proud of having a strong mother, and they will slowly get close to you.
I'm afraid, you're too weak, and you still hope to find another man and pull yourself out of the quagmire, or hope that the other party can change your fate, and you end up falling into another fire pit.
There is no solution to your dilemma at present, and the only advice I have for you is: Hurry up and go out and make money! When you make money, you will gradually find a solution.
Although I know it's difficult, our fortunes can only get better after we get up, don't they?
Finally, let me give you some thoughts.
I think women should not have children on the premise that they can't support themselves.
Once a woman gives up her career, even female stars may not be able to resist the risks of life, let alone ordinary people.
I really think it's a pity for Big S to give up his career.
Before marriage, her resources were so good that she exploded, the movies "Keep Talking" and "Sword Rain" had a good reputation, and "Bubble Summer" was also very popular, and various endorsements were softly received....... However, she longed for her family too much, and when she met Wang Xiaofei, she immediately got married and had children.
After having a child, all kinds of maternal love burst. When you go out to party, even if you have a nanny at home, you have to leave the table early. She refused to play roles such as mother-in-law and mother-in-law, so she could only accept some variety shows with quick money.
In this way, financially, her dependence on her husband's family has increased, and at the same time, she has formed a community of interests with her, took out her own money to lend Wang Xiaofei to do business, and also pulled her mother out as a guarantee.
But who knows, this husband's family is not reliable..... We'll find out what happened next.
was so troubled by her ex-husband, and it became more difficult for her to make a comeback. If she could have been like Xiao S and Zhang Yuqi, she had always insisted on working outside, and she had a steady stream of income, it might be much better than now.
The workplace is actually a game of cards, it is easy to leave the table and difficult to return to the table, and it is easy to sell chips and difficult to buy back.
Lucy Liu, a Chinese-American actress, said in an interview, "One of the things I learned from my dad is that anything can be considered a business. So, I've been working hard to save money after I work, and it's called fuck you money. In this way, when someone wants to fire you, or ask you to do something you don't want to do, you can be confident to dump him in the face (sister has money, fuck you)!"
When you reach middle age, you will find that money is important. Money solves more than 90% of problems. Moreover, the source of the money is also very important, if the money comes from yourself, you can be a lot tougher.
All women are asked to establish a sense of "make a living first, then make love".
Finally, let me emphasize:
Netizens sent me private messages, and I would also provide advice, I used to be "self-controlled", and I always hated iron and steel, but in the past two years, I am deeply aware of one thing: people are really different. It's simply not realistic to expect others to do the same thing as me.
Take the above-mentioned netizen who sent a private message, maybe "dragging it out" is the choice to maximize her interests..... However, there is one more question to consider here: whether she can do it or not.
It's easy for some people, but it's not easy for others. In the process of "dragging and not leaving", they may lose even more.
Let's not talk about psychological consumption, let's talk about legal issues.
If you are unconscious and have surgery, the other person can refuse to sign.
If you hang up, the only bit of property you have can be divided by the other party.
If you don't leave, it's hard for you to start a new relationship openly.
If you don't know if the other party wants to buy you a high amount of insurance, and then, kill you.....
These are all risks.
For people with weak psychological energy, dragging on is more harmful than good. Not everyone can be at risk.
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Author: Yan Lingyang, born in the 80s, emotional columnist, author of new feminism, member of the Chinese Writers Association. He is the author of the best-selling books "Those That Make You Miserable, One Day You Will Say It with a Smile", "May You Let Go of the Past and Be Worthy of the Future", "May You Have a Journey and a Way Out", "I'm Divorced", "With Your Rivers and Lakes Are Not Lonely - An Alternative Interpretation of Jin Yong's Martial Arts Novels" and the children's picture book "Mom's House, Dad's House". With 13 years of experience in financial industry (management), he is currently the founder of a cultural information consulting company in Guangzhou and the co-founder of a cultural media company. Born in Lijiang, Yunnan Province, he now lives in Guangzhou.
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