Written by / First Psychology Writers
Editor / Tommy
In the practice of psychological counseling, there is often a category of female help-seekers whose love and marriage have been repeatedly frustrated.
These women are attracted to men who are much older than themselves, and when these men are married, they often lose control of themselves and intervene in their marriages;
If the men are unmarried, they show dependency and are reluctant to leave.
For example, let's talk about the story of Little K.
Little K considers himself a moral "little three".
She fell in love with her 19-year-old math teacher, who was 15 years older than her, had a family, and had children in elementary school.
In Xiao K's eyes, this math teacher is knowledgeable, full of literary atmosphere, and outstanding appearance, prompting her to start a relationship with her, but she never wants to go beyond this boundary.
Their date is very simple, go out together in the evening, go to a café to talk about life, watch a midnight movie, and then go to a hotel for the night.
Such a life made Xiao K feel at ease and safe, but she did not consider marrying him.
However, the relationship eventually took a toll on his family. Because of his wife's suspicions, the math teacher had to take care of the family affairs before every weekend date.
Their meetings were hurried and brief, often ending in a hurry.
This made Xiao K unhappy, and when they were about to graduate, the two ended their relationship due to frequent quarrels and suspicions.
Little K was very sad because of this, and lost a lot of weight in a few months. At this moment, a man named "Tan Hao" came into her life, Tan Hao is the deputy manager of the company where she works, he is 20 years older than Xiao K, has excellent management skills, and has a family and children.
An indescribable bond soon developed between them, and it was not long before a relationship was established and cohabitation began.
is different from her first love, Tan Hao loves Xiao K very much, and treats her like a little princess, always arranging all kinds of surprises for her.
Xiao K is deeply attracted and thinks that Tan Hao is the man she wants to spend her life with, wants to marry him and have children with him. However, Tan Hao made it clear that he would not divorce because he had a daughter.
Tan Hao's relationship with his wife is estranged, but his relationship with his daughter is very good.
Every time he goes on a date, Tan Hao mentions his daughter, which makes Xiao K feel bored. Once, Tan Hao was late because he was sending his daughter to school, and even hung up Xiao K's phone during the call.
This made Xiao K feel sad, and eventually she chose to give up the relationship.
Xiao K's every love experience is with men who are much older than her, she doesn't mean to destroy other people's families, and she is not interested in men of the same age at all, and always feels that they are still children.
Every relationship ends because the man is unwilling to give up his family. She is about to turn 30 and has not yet found a partner to marry, which is very troubled.
In fact, there are not a few girls who have similar experiences with Xiao K.
We have worked on dozens of similar cases in which girls are often involved in being third parties in other people's marriages, even though they claim that they have no intention of destroying other people's families.
Some girls are more fortunate than little K and they end up marrying the person they love, forming a pattern of older men marrying younger women, while others are less fortunate and remain single for the rest of their lives.
In addition to Xiao K, I also came into contact with 10 pairs of old husbands and young wives, and found that women who like old men have 1 commonality:
They have experienced the absence of father's love since childhood.
Whatever the reason for this absence, their admiration for older men can be seen as a typical paternal plot.
Carl Jung, who once defined the Electra Complex (also known as the Electra Complex), proposed that between the ages of 3 and 5, little girls may develop a special affection for their father.
This paternity complex manifests itself in the girl's excessive closeness to her father and rejection of her mother.
They enjoy spending time with their fathers (a feeling that stems from their admiration and dependence on them). When it comes to choosing a partner, they tend to unconsciously gravitate towards men who share similar traits and personalities to their fathers.
Research in psychology has shown that girls who exhibit paternal complexes usually have three patterns of growth.
First of all, some girls have developed a close relationship of dependence on their fathers from an early age, while facing a lack of maternal care.
Secondly, when it comes to personality traits, these girls may be introverted, sensitive, stubborn, or irritable.
Finally, they suffer from a lack of father's companionship and attention from childhood.
Usually, when girls reach puberty, they experience a characteristic psychological state known as paternity.
The typical manifestation of this state of mind is that they will develop a liking for their male teacher, because in their physical and mental development, they often need a male figure to place their "opposite sex worship".
Over time, this mindset fades and they let go of the experience with a relaxed smile and thus naturally fit into their normal love life.
On the other hand, girls who actually have a paternal complex may idealize and absolutize this state of mind, using it as an excuse to avoid complex real feelings.
When they find a partner who meets their expectations and get married, they tend to continue to play the role of "daughter" in the marriage and expect their husbands to play the role of "father".
For some women, the paternity complex may be a lifelong psychological phenomenon that makes it difficult for them to psychologically mature as members of society, and the process of self-identity differentiation cannot be fully realized.
This complex is ingrained in their hearts and usually remains the same. Until they meet a more influential personality.
However, many women fail to get such an opportunity, and fail to realize the inappropriateness of this psychological state, and fail to fully mature throughout their lives, like Little K, if she fails to discover herself and form an independent personality, she may never be able to enter the palace of marriage.
Therefore, the nature of the paternity complex is related to the absence or over-dependence of the father's role, and the interaction between girls and their fathers determines whether they are able to handle high-quality intimacy and find happiness in life.
For those girls who have a father-love plot, even if they find a partner who plays the role of "father" and get married, they may not be able to handle the marriage relationship properly.
Because in any case, this role of acting "father" will eventually leave, and it will not be possible to be by their side forever, and only by strengthening their independence and strength can the girls solve this problem at the root.
Financially, it is necessary to first achieve self-reliance, and then gradually become spiritually independent.
It is true that fathers play a decisive role in the formation of our values, but when we enter adulthood, we can take control of our own destiny, and we are no longer the little girl who is in dire need of love, and we have the ability to hold happiness in our hands.
The End -
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Keywords in this article: paternal complex, psychology
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