A good life is mutual achievement, and a good relationship is mutual understanding.
But how can everything go well in life, there will always be times when ideals and reality do not match, and there will always be moments when dreams and expectations will be disappointed.
At this time, tolerance and letting go are particularly important.
When I was in my 20s, I was quite stubborn, and my marriage was very bumpy, with a big quarrel for three days, a small quarrel for two days, and sometimes a few fights.
At that time, the feelings were disappointed, disheartened, and a kind of "ill-fated, but helpless" despair.
What I think about the most is, how nice it would be if the other person could change, and how happy I would be if the other person could understand me.
I have never been afraid of hardship, nor am I afraid of paying more, I am only afraid of being disappointed.
From the 20s to the 30s, the 10 years of married life were very hard, and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law was not harmonious, and every day of life fell into unhappiness.
This also directly affects my children, who grow up in a not very warm family, and there is no sense of security.
The disappointment in my relationship and marriage also made me resentful and more irritable, which is also the root cause of my children being beaten and scolded by me many times.
When I started reading and studying psychology, I realized that the essence of anger is anger at one's own incompetence.
When I was a child, I was not cared for, and I didn't have enough security in my heart, but when I became an adult, I pinned all my hopes on my relationship and marriage, hoping that marriage would give me more security and happiness.
However, the "life-saving straw" of marriage did not make my life restart, and my life is still full of holes.
I don't really like to reminisce about my old life, it was full of darkness and pain. In the first month after giving birth to Brother Han, I washed my face with tears every day, and I once wondered if I was depressed?
I once really thought about taking Brother Han with me, I have no expectations for this world, but I lack courage.
Sometimes I saw Brother Han smiling shallowly at me, watching him sleep contentedly, my heart grew inexplicably satisfied, and I told myself countless times: For the sake of the child, I want to be brave, and I want to change my negative thoughts.
Now that I think about it, I am extremely insecure in my heart, and I want to change my life through marriage, and I want to make myself better through the energy of the other party.
But the father is also a person who lacks a sense of security and confidence, two people who also have low self-esteem and deny themselves, living together not only do not have a strong alliance, but ridicule each other.
I think this is one of the reasons why I have lived a very depressed life in my marriage for nearly 10 years.
My father is a very practical and kind person, but he is also very paranoid, and at one point I thought that we were the same kind of people, all of whom were equally selfish and insecure, and became picky and helpless in a life of poverty.
It can also be painful to think back to those times in the past, but to face the past is to accept the present.
Anyway, everyone is just an individual, and there are places where people can't do it, and there are blind spots in thinking that can't be reached.
When I think about this, I seem to be slowly relieving of the past.
The first time I became a mother, I failed and didn't give my children enough security, the first time I became a wife, I didn't make my husband feel happy, and the first time I became a daughter-in-law, my mother-in-law had a lot of opinions about me.
Later, when I learned that everyone is at fault, you don't need to stand on high and morally kidnap yourself, and you don't need to belittle anyone or deny anything to get yourself a hint of revenge.
When I understand that a good relationship is not about making the other person what you want them to be, giving up the idea of trying to transform the other person, and focusing on how to change yourself and make yourself better, my heart began to be peaceful and calm.
The other party has not changed, but what has changed is his attitude and way of dealing with problems.
A good enough relationship is not how well the other party understands you, but when you know that the other party can't understand you, you can still accept the differences and different thinking habits of the two parties, and still accept and support each other calmly.
I finally understood that the relationship between the same frequency is just the icing on the cake, and the relationship between each other is also unpretentious.
If you always have dissatisfaction in your heart, then you will be hostile to the other party when you speak or do things, and you will unconsciously become a ubiquitous "bad reviewer", slowly wear out your feelings to nothing, and the estrangement from the other party will become deeper and deeper.
In this process, there are no winners. It will affect the child's relationship and will also make both parties feel that life is not worth it.
A family needs to work together and strive for a common goal, rather than pulling camps to isolate anyone. Brother Han told me a few times: Don't be serious with my father, he has his character, you can follow him more.
Yes, home is a place for love, not reason. There's really no need to measure each other with your own yardstick, and there's really no need to go online because of a trivial matter.
The reason why I faced a bit of a bad marriage was that I decided that I wanted to say goodbye to the past and try to understand and nourish each other as much as possible, so that we could both live in harmony in marriage.
Embarrassment for each other and ridicule each other will not make life better, it will only end up in mud, only by supporting each other and working together can we live a good life.
Even if you don't understand, you have a common wish, the fairy tale in marriage needs to be artificially created, it is natural luck, if not, there is no need to complain.
When you see what you don't do well, and what the other person does well, life will flourish.