From the beginning of the formation of "self-awareness", every child gradually understands what "self-esteem" is, and in the process of growing up, it is extremely expected of the understanding and respect of adults.
Parents want their children to earn face for themselves, but they always ignore their children's face, they often think that their children are ignorant, do not remember, and forget about things, and criticize their children unscrupulously.
I have a friend who often reprimands the child in front of many people, saying that the child is not sensible, and the other saying that the child's grades are not good, and the child listens to it, lowers his head, and does not say a word for a long time.
I once advised him: Don't always talk about children like this, children also need to save face.
Friends don't take it seriously: "Children know how to face!"
In fact, don't look at the child's small size, but the self-esteem is very strong, and the child's heart is more fragile and defenseless than the adult, and the parents' words and deeds, intentionally or unintentionally, may have an adverse impact on the child's psychological development.
Many children's strong inferiority complex is first felt from their parents, and what they see from their parents' evaluations is a self-image full of flaws and magnifying shortcomings.
Soviet educator Sukhomlinsky said: "The dignity of children is the most sensitive corner of the human heart, and the protection of children's self-esteem is the potential strength to protect children." ”
When a child is disgraced, it is a nightmare moment. The mean language of parents and the strange eyes of others are all sharp weapons to destroy children's self-esteem.
Every child's self-esteem has a line of defense, and in getting along with children, try to avoid some of the following behaviors so as not to touch the bottom line of children's self-esteem.
First, criticism regardless of the occasion
In the eyes of many parents: a child is a child, he can be educated casually, and he doesn't hold grudges anyway.
I once saw a news story about a little girl who was not serious in class and often made small movements, and the teacher reported the situation to the child's father.
When communicating, the teacher said: "You have been raising this child for ten years, you can't control this child, and I can't control this child when he stays with me for a month." ”
As a result, the father beat his daughter hard at night and took a video and sent it to the class group to prove to the teacher that he was in charge of the child.
One can imagine what kind of gaze this girl will encounter when she returns to school.
This father embarrassed his daughter like this, not to educate her, but to use it to vent his anger and shirk responsibility.
It's not just adults who know how to save face, and children are no different.
The training in front of people greatly hurts the child's sense of security and self-confidence.
Doing something wrong is exposed to the public's eyes, accepting everyone's sympathy, contempt or blame, and deep down is incomparably sad and ashamed.
This kind of shame does not let the child remember the lesson, the child remembers the eyes of the outside world, and only thinks about escaping, either to the extreme of inferiority, or to break the jar and fall, becoming more and more rebellious.
Second, look through and expose the child's secrets at will
There was a fifth-grade boy who liked to write a diary, and he was afraid of being seen by his parents, so he deliberately locked it in the cabinet, but he didn't expect it to be opened by his parents.
When I came home from school that day, I heard my mother chatting with my aunt, and the content of the conversation was exactly what was in my diary.
The boy felt that all his secrets were being spread out in public, and his eyes were red with anger: "Why are you reading my diary!"
Mom doesn't take it seriously: "You were born to me, I can't watch it yet?"
Many years have passed since this incident, and his parents have long since forgotten it, and as soon as he remembers it, the feeling of self-pride will come back immediately.
Almost all children will feel shame and anger when their privacy is violated, especially adolescents, who are very sensitive and will have a stronger resistance to their parents.
Secrets are the child's psychological defense line, and only by cherishing the child's secret can the child gain self-esteem.
Some psychology teachers believe that children attach more importance to privacy in their teenage years than any period in their lives, including adulthood, and if you feel that privacy is important to you, then it is no less important to children than parents.
Sometimes, the more respectful and trusting the parents are towards their children, the more willing the children will be to open their hearts to their parents and confide in their secrets.
If you always expose your child's secrets mercilessly, you will not only hurt your child's fragile heart, but also lose your child's trust in you.
Every child has their own inner world, and what parents need is to protect it with their children, which will play an important role in the development of their children's lives.
Third, turn over old accounts and repeatedly mention the child's faults
A netizen once posted a request for help: Mom always likes to turn over old accounts, what should I do?
When she was a child, she stole a dollar from her family to buy candy, and her mother found out.
After being taught a hard lesson, she also admitted her mistake and promised that she would never steal money again in the future.
I thought that the matter would pass like this, but as long as the things at home were missing, my mother would use this incident to scold her and humiliate her.
Every child does something wrong, and there are old things that they don't want to be talked about: a joke at school, a foreign appearance on a certain performance, wetting the bed at home when they were young......
When these "ugly things" are revealed, it is like a scar being revealed, making the child feel that as long as he makes a mistake, he will never be able to get rid of it, and that sense of shame is a repeated torture for the child's self-esteem.
Over time, some children will choose to give up on themselves, give up their self-esteem, and become numb.
Fourth, the "step on one and hold one" type of comparison
Many parents have experienced this:
Comparing the children of relatives and friends with their own children is not intended to hurt the children, but to motivate the children, but the end result is always unsatisfactory.
I once saw a mother criticizing her child: "Other people's children are younger than you, and they have won so many firsts, look at you! Have you ever made your mother and my face shine?"
After hearing this, the boy said angrily: "Then you should be a mother to other people's children!"
In the process of parenting, parents often lack appreciation for their children, but are always full of praise for other people's children, and their own children are never as satisfied as others.
In the end, it hurts the child's self-esteem and destroys the child's self-confidence.
When parents use scolding and malicious criticism to blow their children's self-esteem to the point of disappearing, and hope that they will be eager to learn, this is in itself a joke of "going in the opposite direction".
The comparison of "stepping on one and holding one" makes children self-conscious, and deep in their hearts, doubts about their self-worth often surge, making it difficult for him to confidently hold his head high and move forward.
Fifth, always deny children in the name of modesty
Our culture emphasizes modesty, and many parents themselves are not good at affirming their children, and they like to deny others to praise their children.
Whenever someone compliments their child, parents will humbly say, "Where", "No, no", and then point out the child's shortcomings: "Naughty!", "It's very difficult to manage", "Very timid.......
The adult thinks he is modest, the child does not understand, he will take this as your denial of him, and when he hears these words, his expression looks a little gloomy.
Although children are young, they have strong self-esteem, and they crave the approval of others, especially their parents, and the derogatory words of parents often make a child unable to hold his head up.
Therefore, if others praise your child realistically, you might as well take this opportunity to express your child's approval generously.
When others praise a child for his good grades: "Yes, he is a hard-working child. ”
When others praise the child for being sensible and polite: "This child has been doing a good job in this regard." ”
This kind of expression will not raise a proud and complacent child, but will appear extremely objective, and the child's heart will be full of emotion, because you can see his progress.
Writer Sanmao once told the story of stealing money in the article "Coward":
One Sunday, she walked into her mother's bedroom and saw a red ticket lying on the chest of drawers—five dollars.
At that time, five dollars could fulfill all the wishes and happiness of a child.
Sanmao struggled for a moment and hid the 5 yuan.
Mom found that the money was gone, and she was very anxious, and Sanmao was not willing to give up all day, she didn't dare to go back to her room, she didn't dare to go shopping, she didn't dare to talk to anyone, and she quietly squatted in the yard to play with mud.
In the end, she couldn't help but suffer, put the money back again, and let out a long sigh of relief.
In fact, the father on the side has already seen through his daughter. But he didn't expose it, but gave her some pocket money afterwards, and bought her a box of imported candy a week later.
For his father's thoughtfulness, Sanmao was ashamed on the one hand, and moved on the other. This past passed lightly in the kindness of his parents.
Every child will make mistakes, and if you want your child to change their mistakes, you don't always need to scold and humiliate, on the contrary, give your child a little more patience and time, and use gentle reminders, most children can know how to introspect.
Smart parents will protect their children's face.
A child who is frightened after making a mistake will be grateful to you if you know how to maintain his self-esteem.
We've all been children, and we all know what adults say and do that can make children sad.
So when it comes to self-esteem, don't feel that your child is small, has no self-esteem, and doesn't have a sense of shame. Self-esteem is not something that only adults have, and it is the responsibility of parents to protect their children's self-esteem.
No matter how young a child is, he will have this consciousness in his heart: I don't like to be "ugly" in front of others, I want to be respected in front of others.
Whether at home or in front of outsiders, not letting children make a fool of themselves and lose face will help children develop a sense of self-respect, self-love, self-esteem, and demand respect from others.
A psychologist once used a balloon to make a vivid analogy of children's self-esteem:
A balloon without air is worthless, but it is easy to burst if it is too full, and only when it is inflated with no more and no less, it will be both ornamental and safe.
Building proper self-esteem is a lifelong task for children.
As parents, we must know how to respect our children, provide nourishment for our children's mental health and growth, at least not break our children's hearts early in childhood.