Children are getting better and better, starting from parents learning to "shut up".
The more parents talk, the more disobedient the children become, the more conflicts between parents and children, and the distance is getting farther and farther. At the right time, learning to shut up is also a kind of wisdom, which is more beneficial to the parent-child relationship and the growth and development of children.
The author of this article is Qian Zhiliang
Source of this article|Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Recently, I saw a story and thought it was very meaningful:
There was a mother who had an inflamed throat and a hoarse voice.
On this day, my son came back from school and said:
"Mom, today the teacher criticized me, and I don't want to go to school anymore. ”
The mother wanted to criticize the child, but because she couldn't speak, she had to stare dryly.
The son went on to say:
"The teacher said that my homework was copied from the same table, but in fact, there was really none, it was all written by myself, why the teacher couldn't see my efforts. ”
As she spoke, her son cried aggrievedly, and her mother silently hugged her son.
After the son finished crying, he suddenly said, "Mom, thank you." ”
She was stunned for a moment, and then her son said:
"Thank you for listening to me say so much today, I will definitely continue to work hard. ”
In the story, the mother didn't say a word during the whole process, just listened silently, but let the child express his emotions and explain the cause and effect of the matter.
The mother's listening and hugging make the child feel accepted and understood, so he is grateful and has a desire to work hard to be better.
In the process of educating children, this often happens:
The more parents talk, the more kids
On the contrary, the more disobedient they are, the more conflicts between parents and children, and the distance is getting farther and farther away.
At the right time, learning to shut up is also a kind of wisdom, which is more beneficial to the parent-child relationship and the growth and development of children.
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Learn to "shut up."
The child will open his heart
I know a mother who has been struggling with her relationship with her son.
When my son is in high school, he usually looks unhappy at home, and he is impatient to talk to her more, but when he chats with his classmates, he will talk and laugh and be full of energy.
The situation she reflected is a common confusion for many parents: why are children reluctant to communicate with their parents?
Someone once shared their own experience and answered this question:
"I shared a packet of delicious potato chips with my mother, but she taught me that it was junk food and that I should not eat too much. ”
"When I didn't get a good place in the relay race of the sports day, I was sad to tell my parents, they sneered and blamed me for not exercising well. ”
"When I was in junior high school, I lost my money, I ate instant noodles for a week, and I went home and told my mother, she said why didn't others lose it, but you lost it, did you spend it yourself and didn't admit it?"
It can be seen that when many parents communicate with their children, they do not listen to their children well, and always put on the appearance of "authoritative", eager to draw conclusions and judgments on things, label their children, and reason.
From the child's point of view, his emotions and feelings are not really seen by his parents and cannot be understood.
This frustration and disappointment accumulates, and gradually, the child does not want to communicate with his parents.
There's a word in psychology called
"Irrelevant Response"
When the response people get does not match their expectations, they lose interest in communicating.
Most of the time, children talk to their parents in the hope of gaining emotional empathy and understanding, rather than chattering and criticism.
When he tells his parents something happy, he wants them to share the joy and feel happy with him, and when he is frustrated and frustrated, he hopes that his parents can comfort him or give him a simple hug.
These moments will make children feel loved, accepted, and have infinite strength in their hearts.
Sun Li once shared her parenting experience as a "person who has come over":
"When a child has feelings of dissatisfaction, anger, and grief, all he needs is a hug from you, don't preach, understand him from his point of view, support him, and encourage him.
Let's talk about those big truths when they're in a good mood······"
No matter how good the reasoning is, it is just cold language.
Only emotional interaction and understanding can lead to the child's heart, enhance the child's trust in the parents, and be willing to open up.
When the child is talking, parents learn to shut up and listen to the child more, which can deepen their understanding of the child and eliminate their own prejudices.
Sometimes, a "I understand" is worth a thousand words.
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Learn to keep your mouth shut, and your child will have more room to grow
Once, while waiting for a table to eat in a shopping mall, a mother next to me was playing with Lego with her child, and the words never stopped during the whole process.
"What are you doing here? No, no······ no"
"Put the red with the red, and the green with the green······"
"Oops, clumsy, look how I got it······"
I watched the child start with great interest and a sparkle in his eyes, and slowly began to be confused, not knowing where to start, and then his expression became gloomy, and he began to look around, losing interest in the Lego in front of him.
In life, when children are learning and doing things independently, some parents can't help but point fingers at them.
In fact, this kind of uninvited "interruption" can easily disrupt the child's concentration and interrupt his thinking process.
In addition, parents are often full of various worries, worried that their children will be injured and suffer, and that they will not take good care of themselves, so they protect and restrict their children everywhere:
The child was running in the open field, and the parent followed behind, saying anxiously, "Slow down, don't fall." ”
When the child tries to pour water for himself, the parent: "Be careful to spill the water, I'll pour it." ”
The child sweeps the floor like an adult, and the parent: "Don't make a mess, go play." ”
Parents think they are good for their children, but in fact, they limit their children's attempts and explorations, and deprive them of the opportunity to exercise their abilities.
Making a fuss and exaggerating the danger of a certain behavior will increase the fear in the child's heart, be full of distrust of the external environment, become timid, timid, and retreat when encountering difficulties and challenges.
Always nagging and reminding children will also make children feel that they are not trusted, produce boredom, and gradually decline their self-confidence.
The writer Sanmao once wrote such a passage in "Send You a Horse":
"Many years ago, when I went back to China for the first time and went out on the street alone, my mother chased me out and repeatedly said, 'You can cross the street at a green light, stop at a red light, don't forget, it's dangerous!'
At that time, I was really annoyed by her, and I ran away, still quietly talking back, blaming her for not trusting me. ”
Children will one day leave the protection of their parents and face the world alone.
Wise parents should slowly let go of that worried heart, learn to shut up, believe that their child can do it, and within a safe range, let him try, explore, and do things independently with peace of mind.
Only by getting sufficient exercise from an early age can children's abilities be improved, become confident and brave, and better adapt to society in the future.
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academic conference
"Shut up" so that the child can grow up according to his own wishes
For many parents, it can be a challenge to restrain their desire to control.
After having a child, I always want to give my child what I think is right and good, and I hope that the child will grow up according to the path arranged by himself.
Once the child does not listen to him, he will feel anxious and anxious, afraid that the child will take a detour and make the wrong choice.
In life, such scenarios are common:
When you go to the supermarket, the child chooses the shampoo he likes, and the mother thinks that the child is not good, so she persuades the child to take the one she chooses;
The child likes to dance very much, and the parents stop the children's dance interest classes on the grounds that their grades have dropped recently;
When the child wants to go to a university outside the province, the parents have been reasoning with the child and letting the child choose a major that is close to home and easy to find a job······
As everyone knows, what parents think is "right" and "good" is not what their children want.
Children find that they can't make their own decisions about what clothes to wear and what books they read, to their interests and professions, and over time, their hearts become more and more empty and depressed, and they want to escape more and more.
The educator John Dewey once said:
"Education is not a matter of being told and being told, but an active and constructive process. ”
No matter how correct the parents say, children who have not experienced it can truly understand and accept it.
No matter how bright and smooth the path is for parents to guide their children, children want to live a unique life according to their own wishes.
As Wu Zhihong said:
"The meaning of a life lies in choice, and only by constantly making choices for one's own life can this person be considered to have lived.
On the contrary, if one's life is always chosen by others, then this person can be said to have lived in vain. ”
Every child is unique, and parents love their child and should fully respect his independent personality and grasp the boundaries.
Within the scope of the principle, in the child's own affairs, learn to keep your mouth shut, not to impose your own reasoning and experience on the child, to allow the child to do things according to his own ideas and choices, and to bear the consequences.
Even if there will be detours, losses, and encounters, that is the only way for children to grow.
Only by making choices according to their own ideas, and practicing and experiencing them themselves, can children gain their own life experience and grow into independent, assertive and mature people.
Zhu Ziqing said in "Silence":
"Your words should be like stars in the night, not like firecrackers on Chinese New Year's Eve—who rares firecrackers all night?"
In the process of educating children, sometimes it is more difficult to "not speak" than "to speak", and the wisdom in this requires parents to constantly think and learn.
In short, don't say unpleasant and hurtful words, don't say boring truths and nagging, words have weight, and get to the point, in order to better help children grow.
Source of this article|Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
The author of this article is Qian Zhiliang, a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. Focus on special education, family education, early childhood education. He is the author of "Early Knowledge", "Early Education of Science", "140 Chinese Characters to Learn in Urgent Need", etc.
Editor-in-charge|Wang Jiashi