A mother's reflection: After my daughter was depressed, I realized that she was sick for the whole family
The greatest tragedy of a family is that the disease in the hearts of the parents spreads, while the children innocently bear the bitterness of treatment.
Parents who want to heal their children should first reflect on themselves.
Author | Tomato Mom
Who would have thought that my well-behaved, sensible, smart and excellent daughter who was a child would be depressed?
Some time ago, my daughter was always inexplicably depressed, couldn't eat, and ignored us.
Not only that, but she also had trouble concentrating in class, made frequent mistakes in homework, and was unusually negative about learning.
I'm so anxious, I'm going to take the high school entrance exam in a year, how can I do that?
So, I took advantage of the weekend to bring my teammates and daughter, and hung up the psychology department of the hospital to see my daughter in a hurry.
After a series of consultations and questionnaires by doctors, the diagnosis came out:
It turned out to be moderately depressed!
My teammates took my daughter to prescribe medicine, and I sat in the hall puzzled.
During this period, many parents who took their children to see a doctor passed by one after another.
A mother and son walked by, the boy was obviously in a bad mood, bowed his head and walked forward, and the mother kept chattering on the side:
Did you hear what the doctor said just now?
Other people's children are fine, why are you so wrong?
Don't think that if you are sick, you can find an excuse not to study, and go back at night to write your homework and hear it!
I was still sighing in my heart, these parents suppress their children so much, no wonder there are psychological problems in children.
On second thought, didn't I say something similar to my daughter in the past?
My daughter has been playing the piano since elementary school, even though she has played it very well, I have never praised her: it took a month to practice like this, are you embarrassed to say?
My daughter likes to chase stars for a while and often lists her favorite stars, and I always have to reprimand every time I see it:
"Can you focus on getting down to business?"
"I was like that in the last Chinese exam, why don't you hurry up and study?"
Once my daughter told me that she felt uncomfortable and didn't want to go to school, but I flatly refused: "I think you just want to make excuses for not studying!"
I was ashamed to think of this.
It turned out that the root cause of my daughter's problems was actually myself.
I've seen such a news before.
A 13-year-old boy in Guiyang suffered from severe depression and was not interested in anything.
It turned out that the boy's academic performance was quite good, and he was at the top of his class.
The mother always felt that the child was not working hard enough, and kept putting pressure on him, telling him how difficult it was for his family, and that he must be admitted to a good university to change his family, etc.
Under heavy pressure, the child's grades began to regress, and he felt extremely self-blaming in his heart, resulting in serious psychological problems.
Ironically, after his diagnosis, his mother was still chattering at his bedside:
"What are you so depressed about, we earn some money, and we spend it all for you, we are working so hard now, isn't it all for you?
How much pressure we are under day by day, you are still depressed, you are worried about me. ”
It's chilling.
No wonder netizens pointed out sharply: "In this family, the boy is the least sick." ”
This depressed child is actually sick for the whole family.
@壹心理 once told a real case:
A boy named Si Le followed his parents to a psychiatrist for counseling.
It is understood that Si Le is always unable to concentrate, and he is always depressed, and he can't even complete his daily homework.
The doctor diagnosed depression, but the mother felt that the real culprit was the mobile phone.
"Give him a mobile phone, he is fine, when it comes to studying, all kinds of discomfort, depression is an excuse. ”
When the doctor explained the matter to the parents and children, Sle began to lose concentration.
This is normal, after all, it is only 10 years old, which is the age of high energy, and it can also be affected by emotions.
But his mother interrupted him: "The doctor is talking to you, you have to listen carefully, otherwise how can you understand!"
From the moment you enter the door, this is happening all the time:
After talking about the consultation, Si Le proposed to go to the bathroom, and his mother was impatient: "Every time it is critical, you will drop the chain." ”
After signing the informed consent book, Si Le folded it in half to me, and my mother grabbed it again: "Good paper, why are you folding it." ”
Every time a child makes a normal action, he will be greeted with a word of guidance or criticism.
Suddenly, the father, who had been silent beside him, roared: "It's all what you're used to, and you've been raised as a waste!"
Then, impatiently, he walked away.
Seeing this scene, I think you can understand why a good child suddenly gets sick.
Li Yan, an outpatient doctor in the Department of Psychological Sleep, once mentioned that at least half of the children who suffer from depression are related to family factors.
Therefore, in the first ten minutes of each diagnosis and treatment, Li Yan is usually communicating with her parents, she said:
"What do you talk about with your children? [Many] children are sick for their parents. ”
The family is like a small ecosystem, and the child is the sprout of a new life.
A lot of shoots are sick and broken, but it's just because of the system behind it.
The biggest tragedy of a family is that even though the parents are sick, they ask their children to take medicine.
Blogger @Chengdu PsychiatryLiu Chunyan is a psychiatrist who has been practicing for 20 years and has treated nearly 2,000 problem children.
She found that many children with mental illnesses (depression, bipolar disorder, split personality disorder, etc.) have their roots in their families of origin.
There is a child in the third year of high school who was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and he said that there were three little people living in his brain, and he quarreled with each other every day, and he persuaded peace in the middle;
It was later learned that his parents often quarreled in front of him;
There was a girl in junior high school who didn't talk to anyone at school, longed for friends but didn't dare, and ended up suffering from depression.
The reason is that her mother is very strong, her father doesn't care about things, and the family environment is very depressing;
There are also children who hallucinate and always feel that someone is spying on them, in fact, because their father was always watching him at home before...
Every problem in a child is actually a reflection of a certain problem of the parents.
Sadly, doctors communicate with parents to remind them to make changes.
But the effect is always unsatisfactory - some children, who are teenagers, have been in and out several times, and they have been discharged from the hospital for less than half a month, and they have come back to be hospitalized.
Because the underlying problem is not resolved, even if the symptoms are relieved during hospitalization, they will relapse when they return to their original home environment.
Psychologist Chen Yu once mentioned a girl named Yuhao in "The Boy Who Was Not Understood".
Since the beginning of high school, she has been very stressed, anxious and sensitive, and has serious emotional ups and downs.
After an in-depth interview, Chen Yu learned that her pressure not only came from schoolwork, but also from her family.
Her father was a perverse and emotionally unstable.
Before the high school entrance examination, his father had reported a 40,000 one-on-one assault class to Yuhuo, but Yuhuo did not get the desired results.
Because of this, Dad directly blocked her.
Usually at home, the noisy parents often quarrel, and the two always quarrel over some trivial things.
After listening to the noisy family situation, Chen Yu believed that her parents were an important factor affecting her mood and suggested that she withdraw from the whirlpool of the family.
But half a year later, Chen Yu visited Yuhuo again and found that her condition did not improve, and even suspended her studies for a time, chose to go to the temple to become a monk, and became a novice nun.
It's because her parents have hardly changed that she is still in a predicament.
If parents don't make changes, no matter how much medicine the child takes, no matter how much treatment he does, it will not help.
South Korean education expert Li Liunan was once a well-known principal, and her children also excelled under her high-pressure education.
However, when everything is going in a good direction;
The son suddenly dropped out of school, and just wanted to stay at home every day to play games and mess around;
The daughter followed in her brother's footsteps, locked herself in her room, and tore her clothes and books like crazy.
What went wrong?
Looking back on the countless events that happened in the child's childhood, Li Liunan suddenly found that he seemed to be a ruler:
In order to prepare for the high school entrance examination, she sent her two children to a full-time cram school in the suburbs, from 5 o'clock to 12 o'clock every day;
Her daughter likes comics, so she broke into her daughter's room without permission, searched for more than a dozen comic books, and scolded her daughter.
As long as you find a little mistake in the homework, you will blame it with a face...
In this way, she forced her favorite child into an enemy.
After painful reflection, she wrote a "Mother's Book of Repentance", determined to change herself and stop persecuting her children.
She encouraged her daughter to learn pastry baking and supported her son to play the drums in music class.
In the end, the two children were slowly healed, the daughter was admitted to an internationally renowned university, and the son also successfully completed his studies.
Mr. Gu Mingyuan, Honorary President of the Chinese Society of Education, said:
When there is a problem with the water in a pond, no matter how long the fish in the pond are, there may be problems.
When a child has a problem, the most important thing to reflect on is not the child, but the parents.
Only when parents recognize themselves and change themselves can they truly save their children.
After thinking about this, I decided to change myself.
First of all, I decided to take my daughter's growth a step further and stop forcing my daughter to do things she didn't like:
Play the piano if you want, don't play if you don't want to, give her enough autonomy;
Secondly, I stopped suppressing my daughter with words, and began to discover some of her strengths and express them from the bottom of my heart.
In the end, I stopped putting pressure on her and spent more time with her doing more things she enjoyed.
I try to find out what celebrities my daughter likes and help her fan group tweet.
That day, my daughter suddenly said, "Mom, can you go out for a walk with me?"
I was so excited that I nodded my head again and again, and at least I regained my daughter's trust and became her emotional outlet.
I remember a quote from another mother whose daughter suffers from depression: "I am willing to be the target of my daughter's attack and pushdown, and only by pushing down can I rebuild." ”
I firmly believe that when I try to change myself and overthrow myself, my daughter will get better.
Bai Yansong once said: "I think the biggest problem in Chinese education now is not how to educate children, but how to be parents." ”
For parents, those blurted out suppression, spewed emotions, and excessive expectations for their children...... Seemingly inconspicuous;
But over time, the water drops will lead to the collapse of the child's heart one day.
Wise parents will heal their children and reshape the parent-child relationship by reflecting on themselves and changing themselves.
Give it a thumbs up and encourage all parents.