#精品长文创作季#
There will always be a strange phenomenon in the way Chinese families are educated:
No matter how beautiful our parents say about love, in our subconscious, we always think that children are our accessories, and it is precisely because of this idea that we often instinctively want to "control children".
Let's think about it, is the source of our anxiety in many cases because the child does not do what you think?
Do you always want to change your child's behavior?
Let the child develop and grow according to his own wishes, and start to manage the child when he is anxious to a certain extent.
And children are also human beings, and they are willing to live according to their own nature, and once they are transformed, they are uncomfortable and uncomfortable.
When I was a child, I couldn't resist my parents either physically or mentally, but when the child grows up, especially after entering adolescence, the body becomes stronger, and the spirit is more eager for independence, coupled with emotional instability, the conflict comes.
The result of the conflict is that both parents and children have feelings of anger, grievance, and sadness.
Therefore, many obedient and well-behaved children when they are young will become particularly rebellious in adolescence.
Frankly speaking, when my daughter was growing up, there was a time when she and I also fell into this game of "parental control" and "child resistance".
01
After the child enters junior high school
We've been gambling
Our child is in the third grade of primary school, and we have a second child, and it is the grandparents who accompany the child through the primary school stage.
I spent my junior high school years with us, and I felt that my child was full of problems.
We forced her to live according to our habits, always nagging and restraining her in every detail.
She did well in her studies, but she always said that she was not valued in the class.
The head teacher of the first year of junior high school chose the members of the group, and she chose the boys, and she was dissatisfied;
The second-year physics teacher didn't let her be the class representative, and she was unhappy;
The head teacher of the third junior high school chose the members of the group, and at that time her grades were the first in the class, but the teacher chose the second girl in the class.
She felt that the teacher was targeting her and looking for the teacher's theory, and the teacher said that she was excellent in character and learning, and the quality was the first, but she was not convinced after listening to it, and she worked against the teacher.
After being admitted to a key high school, her emotions became anxious and sensitive.
Usually when she has nothing to do, she loves to gnaw her nails, and when it comes to the exam, she gnaws even harder, and her fingers can be broken.
Secondly, her grades also kept declining, and the more she fell, the more nervous she became, and the more she loved to gnaw her nails.
The anxiety that had been accumulating in her heart reached a tolerable threshold, and eventually she exploded out of control and didn't want to go to school.
That's when I realized something wasn't right.
In this state, for a long time, I couldn't sleep well, I wanted to give my child strength, I wanted to deal with my child's emotions.
At that time, I was studying and listening to classes every day, and I watched a lot of videos of family education, and I felt that there was a certain amount of truth, so I immediately tried it after studying.
But in the process of trying, I encountered a lot of resistance from the child, and I questioned whether these methods were useful, which one was correct, and whether my acceptance would harm the child, and I was in a state of contradiction.
I began to self-deny, self-attack, and wanted to outsource functions, hoping that someone could help the child, and hoping that the child's father would also learn, and tried a lot of paths and methods.
But the child is still in a bad mood, has no motivation to learn, huddles at home and doesn't want to go to school, I feel stuck and don't know what to do next.
Later, I made up my mind to systematically learn how to raise my children again and help them regain their motivation to learn.
02
Look for the root cause of the problem
Stimulate your child's self-motivation
Teacher Mo Wei mentioned:
The conflict between parents and children is that parents want to change and control their children but can't, and for children they want to live and learn according to their own ideas but can't.
I thought about it myself, and it felt like it was.
Since kindergarten, my child cries every day when he gets up and says, "I don't go to school, I don't go to school."
At that time, I was sent to kindergarten every day with coaxing and scare, for example, if I didn't go to school, I would become a big fool, and I would become a beggar for food.
Later, after adapting, the children go to school on their fingers to count the number of days, and it will take a few days to reach the weekend.
Later, when we had a second child, our focus was mainly on Erbao, and we also sent our eldest daughter to my grandparents' house, ignoring Dabao's growth.
The children did not live with us until junior high school, and in order to meet their parents' expectations and use good grades to please their parents, they actually had no motivation to study.
In addition, the lack of security caused by separation from parents makes children introverted, closed-minded, and lack the initiative to communicate.
Such a personality makes the child isolated from her peers at school, and she often feels that someone is speaking ill of her behind her back.
And we want to make up for Dabao, but we don't know the method, we always want to control everything about the child, as long as she has any mistakes, I will immediately give the blame, and I don't give her any chance to try and make mistakes at all.
One of the main characteristics of adolescent children is that they want to break free from the control of their parents and take back their own supreme decision-making power.
But she worries every day that I am going to participate in everything she does, correct her choices, and deal with the bad temper that I may be about to blow out, so how can she do her studies well?
There is a sentence in "Round Table Pie":
"The most terrible thing about Chinese mothers is control, you are born to me, you belong to me, I have to control everything you have, and this control is instinct. ”
That's when I realized my problem: maybe I didn't think of myself as an outsider and always liked to control everything about her.
03
I want my child to regain motivation to learn
Parents have to "treat themselves as outsiders"
Teacher Zeng Qifeng once said:
If parents have to help their children decide everything, it is tantamount to killing their children's lives.
Looking back on my relationship with my daughter, I realized that I rarely paid attention to her psychological dynamics and feelings, and always selfishly thought that what I brought to her was the best.
I began to notice and change myself, abandon my wrong educational philosophy, and get along with my daughter in a scientific way:
1. Clarify the ownership of the problem, and everyone belongs to you
Find out who the problem is. When I have a conflict with my daughter, think about whose problem it is.
The criterion for judging is who is bothered by the problem and who will face the consequences of the problem.
Whoever is troubled and has to face the consequences of this problem will have the right to belong to this problem, and whoever has the sovereignty of this problem.
Like what:
The child is upset because he is overweight.
Children don't like their teachers.
The child wakes up late, is going to be late, and doesn't want to go to school.
These problems are what children have to face and deal with in their own lives, and it is the children who are troubled by these problems, so these problems are the problems of the children.
We have to go to work, and we send our children to grandma's house during the holidays, but the children are struggling.
On weekends, I work overtime at home to write, and my child listens to music at home and turns it up too loud.
The child doesn't like his school and wants to transfer, so let's find another school.
Because my child's problems are bothering me, or my child's behavior is not meeting my needs, parents need to be responsible for solving such problems. The ownership of these issues belongs to the parents.
Clarify the attribution of the issue. It can make family relationships easier.
The child has the right to decide how to deal with the problem, and no one else, including parents, can intervene in the problem without the child's consent or should not point fingers at the child.
To put it bluntly, learning is a child's own business, and it will be much easier to deal with the fingers of parents all the time, just face their own problems.
2. Treat the child as an independent person.
The child is not our appendage, she can have her own ideas, and her ideas may not be the same as mine.
The child is not a machine, she needs to rest.
I can't arrange everything for my child from morning to night, and if my child wants to do it to the letter, he can't do it. After a long time, the child will be tired and tired.
Trust children, we must believe that all children will encounter a variety of problems, and each child has the potential to solve problems on their own.
If parents want to solve all problems for their children, the children's ability to solve problems on their own will not be developed, and they will form a dependency mentality.
If we start to let go, the child learns to take responsibility for himself.
I no longer supervise my daughter all the time, but communicate with her on an equal footing, take care to protect her self-esteem, ask for her opinion, and give her respect and understanding before making decisions.
Instead of being a leader, I gave my daughter back the responsibility for her studies, and she arranged her own study time and study plans.
She slowly shifted from being supervised to learning to being self-motivated.
Third, be a true and sincere parent.
First of all, I can't help with anything when it comes to children's problems, and it doesn't matter if I can't help, I'm not an omnipotent god.
Some parents sell their houses for their children to study abroad and endlessly satisfy their children.
Sooner or later, the child will face her own life, and there will always be times when we can't satisfy her.
When I can't help my children, I tell the truth and don't judge.
The so-called frustration education is not to artificially create frustration for children, but that we can reject children.
Secondly, I can be emotional, I can be angry with my child, and I can even dislike and not accept my child at some point.
It's just that we have to be sincere, don't blame the child for being in a bad mood, you can tell the child "I'm in a bad mood today", don't hold it, don't be forceful, don't feel that "there are no parents in the world".
Again, parents can have different perspectives on one thing, which in itself doesn't matter.
We don't have to keep the same view in front of our children all the time.
In this way, one of them will inevitably suppress his thoughts and emotions.
And emotions are fluid, and the child and the other person must also feel it.
Nor does the child feel sincere parents.
When a child faces a disagreement between his parents, it may be an opportunity for the family to negotiate.
In the future, children will also encounter different opinions from leaders or collaborators in society, which is also part of the future learning.
Let me do these things well, maintain a good parent-child relationship, my daughter will no longer fight against me, and her attitude towards learning has changed.
She clearly realized that learning was her own business, and she had returned to school some time ago and slowly readjusted to study life.
Although she still gets anxious from time to time, I can now catch her emotions and give her unconditional support.