Or this book "Happiness Beyond Perfection", today I just saw the part about education, the author proposed that children should be allowed to make some imperfect decisions on their own, experience the pain of failure, the joy of learning, experience the pride of success, and learn to face challenges and vulnerabilities independently.
In fact, many children rarely receive recognition and praise in their families of origin, and as a result, they always look out for positive evaluations in adulthood.
And the author of this book believes that "children usually need moments when they are not commented on and not disturbed". It's not just criticism and praise. Whether it's praise or criticism, it's all part of the evaluation, and when you overestimate your child, they feel over-regarded.
Think about it, when your behavior is always evaluated, will you want to behave more perfectly in front of the people who evaluate you, rather than real? At the same time, after getting along for a long time, you will also clearly and often evaluate the preferences of your people (that is, nurturers), they have their own set of standards for judgment and evaluation, then obviously, in the process of growing up, these rules and regulations will also become the shackles that children put on themselves in order to strive for better evaluation.
Most of the time what children need is respect, understanding, a free learning environment and appropriate guidance (intervention). Today, we find that no matter what we do, we need to have concentration, and the reason why we can't focus is because we haven't had a growth environment that is not judged and properly intervened.
Parents who are good enough to see and respond to their children's needs in a timely manner, give them the attention they need, and be able to rely on their children, and at the same time try to reduce intervention when their children need to do something independently.
Children's abilities need to be developed and practiced, don't help your child with those things that he needs to be involved in, and don't think that children don't need companionship, they can grow up and ignore their growth process.
As the child learns to cope with failure, the mother will be less and less concerned about such events, and the child will become more and more independent.
Gradually, consciously and appropriately reducing attention is not the same as neglecting, but allowing children to develop independent exposure to the bad side of real events and to experience real emotions within a controllable range.
Such children will have more faith and strength in their hearts, and even if they leave home, they will know very well in their hearts that their parents are reliable, trustworthy, and trustworthy.
How can there be a perfect parent in this world who can teach the perfect child? Not to mention that the child is not the perfect parent in the first place.
They just need to be seen, loved, understood, and accepted. Seeing their needs, accepting them as they really are, acknowledging their true feelings and emotions, and being able to face those bad moments with them.
Perfectionist parents also want to raise a perfect child, but this so-called perfection is just shaped according to the expectations of the parents, not a child with an independent personality.
I learned a phrase in this book today called "What is is what is." How do you understand it? Seek truth from facts.
People can communicate with each other because every word and word has a common meaning, and the table, chair, sky, and grass are what they are, so that communication can be generated.
But when children have emotions, many parents do not let their children have emotions, and this emotion is denied. It is contrary to common sense that what is "is" and "exists" should be immediately ignored, treated as non-existent, and not be an eyesore in front of parents.
Is it easy to list similar incidents, all behaviors, feelings, and emotions that dissatisfy parents will be ignored and denied in most families.
When a child is crying and sad, what parents have to do is to admit the child's true feelings and emotions now, not to try their best to stop him from crying, nor to deny his true feelings and emotions.
The child's true appearance, real needs have been ignored and denied again and again, and the family has not made them feel safe, but helpless, inexplicable, painful, and disheartened, so when he encounters bad things in the future, he will not want to share them with his family for the first time, because no one can see his real needs and feelings.
Do children blame their parents for that? They just need to be seen, recognized, allowed and accepted. They just hope that whatever happens to them, their parents will respond, not indifferent, not cynical, not outright denial.
However, the reality is that when many children confess their true feelings to their parents, parents may compare their parents with worse behavior, or with other children who are better, or with their own childhood experiences, to prove how reasonable their behavior is for their children.
From the child's point of view, can we also give examples of how good the parents of other children are to them, so as to prove that their own experience is really bad and that their parents are really not good enough? What is the meaning of such behavior? One is just justification, and the other is self-preservation.
No matter how old your child is, when he is a child, as a parent, you can't expect them to do everything, or if he forgets something, you don't even have the patience to repeat it.
How many adults now think that changing habits is very simple? Why is it difficult? That's because bad habits are formed from an early age, and it takes time to develop good habits, but if a child, in the process of growing up, parents do not show enough patience, just hope that the child can make themselves more worry-free, then it is conceivable that the child is not regarded as an independent individual.
Besides, according to the principle of "what is is what is" to educate the problem, what is perfect? Obedient, sensible, love to learn, have good grades, and their parents' appearance and behavior habits are completely different, how can it be that the children educated by the whole society are all similar?
However, in reality, there are indeed perfectionist children everywhere, and they have high requirements for themselves, which are actually the requirements of their parents, because if they want to get the approval and love of their parents, they must first meet their parents' expectations of them.
I hope that parents can allow and accept the truest self, accept their truest status quo, allow themselves to have moments of powerlessness, allow and accept themselves and their children as ordinary people, and don't turn their shortcomings into expectations for their children.
The child has his own life to experience, feel, experience, and explore, and he carries so many expectations of the previous generation, how to walk the road under his feet?
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