Many of the problems that seem to be problems of husband and wife are not in fact husband and wife problems, but psychological growth problems brought about by the family of origin (the family of their respective parents).
Psychological trauma from the past, which most often emerges in interactions with close people, becomes a "disease" rather than a "root cause".
The family of origin refers to the family in which a person grew up, that is, a family with parents to take care of. The family of origin shapes people's personalities, influences personality growth, cultivates the ability to manage emotions, and stereotypes the pattern of interpersonal interaction after personal growth. The emotional habits and thinking patterns formed by people in the family of origin are called "original complexes".
Everyone starts their own growth process with the psychological imprint of their original family. For example, family ranking, upbringing, inner vows (which can also be said to be the "motto" in the experience of growing up, or a certain philosophy that has always remained in our hearts, become the highest guiding principle of our lives.
Growing up instilled in us many beliefs that are not only unbreakable, but also continue to influence us. It can be said that the family of origin is also the environment and system that affects us the earliest and most persistently.
01. The relationship between you and your parents affects the relationship between husband and wife
According to the survey, different personalities and values are the first major cause of divorce, followed by the intervention of a third party and disharmony in sexual life.
The so-called difference in values has a lot to do with the original family, and people's personality and values are formed in the original family, especially we Chinese.
Marriage is not a matter of two people, a marriage carries the heavy burden of two families, or even the interests of two families. The word "marriage" is interpreted as "marriage" as referring to the man's family, and marriage as the woman's family.
Wang Hailing's latest novel "New Marriage Era" has a vivid description in this regard, and the marital conflict between Gu Xiaoxi and He Jianguo's "urban-rural combination" is escalated under the influence of the two families, successfully interpreting the huge impact of the original family on marriage.
02. How do we inherit the marriage model of our parents?
In He Jianguo's original family in the novel, his father is a typical machismo, he has the final say in the big and small things in the family, and his mother bows down to his father. Therefore, although He Jianguo is highly educated, his "original complex" is to require his spouse to revolve around him, because the concept of marriage he received since childhood is like this. It just so happened that the woman he met, Gu Xiaoxi, was from a family where his father took care of his mother, so Gu Xiaoxi would not agree with the idea that everything about her husband was decided by men.
Gu Xiaoxi's influence on the family challenged her husband's desire for power and authority, and he would use the strong behavior he had learned from his father whenever he had the opportunity.
03. How do we "reject" the marriage model of our parents
If a daughter sees that her father does not have a strong ability to deal with things and is bullied by others everywhere in her life, then when she grows up, she may expect her husband to be a very strong man, and in her mind, her father's cowardice is the root of her own painful life, so in her own marriage, she must avoid such a situation no matter what.
Therefore, the influence of the family of origin on a person is imperceptible, and the "complex of origin" formed in the family of origin will be repeated unconsciously and uncontrollably in the relationship between husband and wife after growing up.
As a result, many couples "internalize" the behavior of their parents to a certain extent, so that the behavior, cognition, and emotions of both husband and wife in the relationship in marriage also have a chain reaction, and in the defenseless and unexpected moments of daily life, they are detonated by the closest person in our life (usually the spouse) with extraordinary intensity.
Many psychologists believe that in marriage, when we are ostensibly with our spouse, we are constantly reliving our past relationships with our parents. Marriage can be said to be a reproduction of the mode of interaction between us and our parents when we are growing up.
04. Strip away from the original complex, and don't perform exhausting life dramas anymore!
Different families of origin are naturally different in terms of family culture, relationship patterns, and family rules, and two people from completely different original families form a new family with the shadow of their respective families.
In real life, most people unconsciously copy the way of thinking and behavior of their predecessors, from generation to generation, into a dead cycle that cannot be broken free: this requires us to change from the state of subconscious domination to the state of conscious domination, understand the influence of the past, and learn how to separate from the "original complex".
1) Through the "emotional overdrive" reaction, do a mental backtracking
"Spiritual retrospection" refers to the deep awareness of the strong emotions triggered by the current interpersonal relationship of the parties, and explores the root causes of excessive emotions in the family of origin.
An individual's "emotional overkill" reaction, which is particularly angry or overly hurt, is usually related to the "emotional overture" of the family of origin when he was a child.
Husband and wife can take the opportunity of the "original complex" to do a painful spiritual journey to understand what happened to them in the process of growing up. Learn to use the present, more mature, and more objective position to examine and explore the source of the formation of one's own and each other's personalities, get out of the shadow of their parents' marriage, help each other grow, and rebuild a beautiful and harmonious marriage relationship in the process of growth.
Therefore, understanding each other's inner state of mind is also an indispensable part of the process of resolving conflicts and establishing intimate relationships.
In particular, "mental regression" is a rather emotional process, and some people may even temporarily experience psychological regression, re-experiencing childhood pain, falling into strong emotions, and suddenly not knowing where they are and when they are (in the past or now).
As you delve deeper into the fragile parts of your heart, any "criticism," "judgment," "cross-over," or negative speculation and interpretation of what you are saying can hurt you again. Therefore, it is best to have someone around you who cares about you, supports you, knows how to listen carefully, and gives you a sense of security.
Although mental regression can be used on its own when a person is alone, it is more effective to have someone safe to help us through the process step by step.
2) Clean up their respective families of origin
Each spouse will bring different rules from the family in which he or she was raised. How to turn two family versions of the rules into one is a compulsory lesson in marriage.
Analyze the various pitfalls in their original families, make good use of the resources they have, formulate a bilateral agreement that goes their own way, and he retreats while walking, and finally successfully implements the agreement reached by both parties.
3) Calm or angry? Be aware of an excessively strong emotional response
For most people, there are some particularly sensitive, imminent, and interpersonal lethal "pain points", which are often the most easily detonated by those close to them. Many people are able to maintain a peaceful state of mind outside, but are furious as soon as they get home.
In daily life, whenever you have an extraordinary emotional reaction to something or a situation, you should pay attention to it, especially those emotions that are particularly strong and recurring, which may hide the "original complex" in the "original family" behind it.
4) Distinguish between the present and the past
After a strong emotion is vented, we should pay attention to which ones are aimed at the people and things of the present, and which ones are played by the topic and belong to the past. Don't mix in the emotions that belong to your parents in the past, project them and vent them on your husband (wife), making them inexplicable and unacceptable.
Set a firewall between the past and the present emotions, so that the past complexes do not continue to entangle in the present marriage.
5) Find new coping patterns
Like all social systems, the family has its basic needs: a sense of worth, security, fulfillment, intimacy, and so on. Our small family lacks what to make up for and what to go to more. The husband's own sense of value and accomplishment is not enough, he still needs his wife's appreciation, and the wife will give him a little, which is a chance to get twice the result with half the effort. If the husband wants to be a decision-maker, he will give him some power. If he wants to be an authority like his father, he will give him more face...... These moves are effortless and low-cost, so you might as well try them.
The family in which each of us grew up not only shapes our image and character, but also gives us a variety of life patterns. People who have the ability to reflect will modify and make trade-offs in these models. Their lives will be enjoyable.
In addition, the interaction between the regenerative family and the original family should be balanced. Psychologist Zeng Qifeng described that the relationship between husband and wife is "the anchor of the family", and in a family with in-laws, husband and wife and children, if the relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family and has the first right to speak, then the family will be as stable as a rock.
We should be vigilant against ourselves, do not let the trauma of the past continue to the present, do not use anger to "collect debts" from the people closest to us, but solve the problem slowly with reason and love, and may accidentally create a unique romantic marriage model in the world.