Too many couples are just wine and meat couples, in the name of love, to fill each other's emptiness, but never penetrate into the heart and heart.
Companionship is greater than understanding, perfunctory more than serious, walking for a while, even if it is a love, and complaining that he can't find a lover.
Because you know too little about the other person, not enough to support the foundation of a relationship, not enough to circumvent basic differences, your relationship is surrounded by enemies, like an untested defective product, naturally fragile.
If you want to improve the stability of your relationship, you need to understand at least five questions about the other person:
1. Relationship with ex
How a person handles the relationship with his ex is largely a representation of how much he respects you.
If he is still disconnected and ambiguous with his ex, even if he shows that he loves you on the surface, he still doesn't cherish you in his heart, and he doesn't even look down on you.
The ex is often a necessary stage of a person's emotional growth, and any regret or affection cannot be used as compensation for the present, let alone tear down the east wall from you to make up the west wall, and people who respect you naturally understand this truth.
Because he knows too well that if your ex was really more important than you, you wouldn't have met.
2. Planning for the future
The same destination will really be on the way, and the "way" that only relies on emotional support will face a break at any time in every quarrel.
Therefore, it is necessary to understand the other person's life plan, what he values, what kind of life he wants to live, how to weigh marriage and career, and how to deal with the relationship between his partner and his family of origin?
The more questions you shoot into the future, the more you won't be caught off guard.
"Rules" are the premise of all games, otherwise the ending will be difficult to win or lose, and it will be unhappy.
3. Real advantages and disadvantages
When we talk about understanding a person, the core is actually to understand his strengths and weaknesses. Whether it's what you see, or what the other party reports to their home, the more detailed you know, the better.
You need to learn as much as you can about the dark side of the other person and deduce how this will affect your future relationship.
You must know his bottom line, test his lower limit, and use his worst flaws to speculate on your results.
If it is still acceptable, then the relationship will not break easily.
4. Cognition of partners
Love is like a two-player game, whether you can win depends not only on the difficulty of the level, but also on whether he can handle the relationship with the other party.
How do you think about your partner?How do you position love?How do you weigh love with other aspects of your life?
For example, you are true love, but he is a typical pragmatist, two people have different positions on love, and based on this positioning, their attitudes towards their partners are naturally different.
You always feel that he doesn't love enough, he always thinks that you have no self, and neither of you is at fault, but the concept of love does not match, but it can't go far.
5. Whether you are willing to make the relationship public
For adults, public relationships represent signing an invisible letter of responsibility to tell the world that they have a partner. While cutting off the back road, it is also a deep recognition of the other party.
Therefore, there are many people who resolutely refuse to make it public until the relationship is stable.
First, I don't trust my feelings enough, and subconsciously believe that I will always break up and avoid subsequent slaps in the face;
The second is to weigh the value of the partner and other members of the opposite sex, and is reluctant to give up a forest for a small tree.
This leads to the fact that people who do not disclose their relationships are very likely to have no intention of choosing you for a long time in the first place, and people will never be able to do a good job at all.
Therefore, determining whether the other party is willing to make the relationship public and whether it is willing to give you a legitimate identity will also reflect his attitude towards the relationship from the side, so as to deduce how far your relationship can go.
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Author: Profound So, Level 2 Psychological Counselor, EFT Trained Companion Therapist, Author of the intimate relationship book "Know Love, Rebuild Intimate Relationship" (the book has won the first place in the hot list of new books on gender relations on Dangdang.com), Translator/proofreader of Dr. Marshall's books "Nonviolent Communication, Gender Chapter" and "Nonviolent Communication Emotion Chapter", if you have any questions, you can consult me privately~