There are 5 stages when children become "disobedient", and by the 4th stage, parents basically can't control it

Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo~

In the process of raising children, we encounter all kinds of problems. Sometimes, with the instinct or experience of parents, parent-child conflicts can be "turned into danger".

But sometimes, we really can't help it, watching the cute child in the past, become a scoundrel, and the temper comes up, and we can't wait to beat him.

Who took that cute and clingy little guy away and gave us a kid who didn't eat oil and salt and hated when he saw it?

The book "The Courage of Happiness" divides children into 5 stages of becoming "disobedient".

In the first 3 stages, we ask for more help, and maybe we can pull it back and re-establish intimacy. But in the fourth stage, we may be helpless and can only seek professional help.

One: In the first stage, get praised

Every child wants to be worthy and worthy of love. So, they will want to be recognized and appreciated by their parents, which is normal.

However, if we give our children too many strings attached, they may need praise too much.

For example, we often say, "If you don't do this, I don't love you", "If you don't obey, I don't like you", or we will only happily praise our child when he is doing well.

Then, it is easy for the child to move on to the first stage - with the aim of "getting praise".

The typical manifestation of this stage is that only by praising him will he be willing to do what we want him to do.

Only when you say that he is "good" will he be willing to sweep the floor; only when you praise him as a "good boy" will he be willing to do his homework seriously, and only when you praise him as "really good" will he be willing to give you a hand.

If no one sees the good things he does, he won't want to do them!

What's worse is that in order to be a "good boy", they can't accept failure or setbacks, and a failure can hit them for a long time.

Or in order to maintain the image of "good boys", they will cheat or other means to make themselves "top students" in the eyes of the public.

If we want to avoid children "just moving forward for praise", we can't add too many strings to our love for children.

When the child knows that even if he doesn't get the first place, can't write as well as others, and doesn't count as fast as others, and occasionally naughty parents still love him, he will not be overly attached to that "praise" and lose his heart.

Two: The second stage is to seek attention

If a child is obsessed with praise, but he finds that he still does not get praise from his parents even if he does a good job and wins awards, he may move on to the second stage - seeking attention.

I've helped the old lady across the street, and you still don't praise me? Then it seems that I can only change the way to get your attention to me.

How?

I have to be different to get people to pay attention to me!

What's the difference?

Deliberately making strange noises in class to make everyone look sideways; adults deliberately making fun and making trouble next to them when they talk; playing tricks on younger siblings from time to time to make them cry; causing trouble and getting into a fight when they have nothing to do, so that they can call their parents to ......

There are also some children who are not so bold and take the initiative to cause trouble may provoke serious punishment from their parents. So, they use negative methods to attract attention.

For example, if you lose your textbook this time, you will lose your coat next time, you can't do anything well, and you want your parents to help, you won't remember this, you can't remember that, and you will shout "Mom" over and over again......

In doing so, parents will also be impatient and yell, right?

What does it matter if you are yelled at? At least, it is noticed by your parents.

If you want to prevent your child from seeking too much attention, just keep a normal mind and ignore them when they are funny and deliberately annoying you.

Or you can invite them to join you in the business: you're sweeping the floor, invite him to help mop it behind, you're laying the quilt and invite him to help fold it together, you're drying clothes, invite him to hang it.

Then by the way: "Thank you for your help, Mom really feels a lot more relaxed." ”

With daily attention, your child will not be obsessed with getting your attention, and he will not be obsessed with doing things to get everyone's attention.

Three: The third stage, the struggle for power

If your child tries his best to get your attention, but you remain indifferent and ignore him, he may become angry.

When we watch martial arts dramas, we often see such a scene:

A person who thinks he is very powerful, but as a result, he is ignored. At this moment, the other party's contempt successfully provoked his desire to win: "Look down on me, I want to prove it to you!"

How to prove it?

Of course whatever you do, I'm going to win over you and make you angry.

This scene is applied to the child, which is "rebellion".

You ask him to go east, he goes west, you want him not to be naughty, he wants to cause some trouble for you to see, you want him to do his homework quickly, he lies on the sofa and looks at you......

You feel like you're playing an invisible tug-of-war with him, either you give in and he wins, or you use authority to make him obedient, and you win.

Pulling and pulling like this every day, you have a deep sense of powerlessness and exhaustion.

If we don't want to fight with our children for power, then we should not be obsessed with "listening to anyone", but can seek cooperation with our children.

For example, throw the question to the child: "It's not too early, mom wants to know, when are you going to start doing your homework?"

The child says 8 o'clock.

That respects him: "Okay, is it okay for mom to remind you 10 minutes in advance?"

Reminders in advance can help your child be prepared so as not to delay time. If you wait until 8 o'clock and your child doesn't want to move, you can gently remind: "It's time, it's time for us to do our homework." ”

Gently turn off the TV, take away the toys, put away the phone, then take his hand and walk to the desk. Talking less and doing more can avoid many power struggles between parents and children.

Four: The fourth stage, revenge

If we are in the stage of the power struggle, we have been using authority to suppress the child and make him obey by beating and scolding.

Then the child will accumulate a lot of resentment and then move on to the fourth stage – revenge. You make me sad, and I'm going to make you sad too.

At this stage, the child's goal is: "The more you hate, the more I have to do." ”

Saying foul language and scolding can make you angry? Then I will scold you from time to time once or two; Hitting my younger brothers and sisters can make you jump to your feet? Then I will call you; I will come back at night and the party will make you lose control? Then I will deliberately come back later.

At this stage, the child's main focus is to "you off".

At this point, parents are basically helpless. Beat and scolded, scolded and scolded, didn't work and didn't say, the child made more and more trouble.

At this time, parents need to seek professional psychological assistance.

Five: The fifth stage, proving incompetence

The fourth stage will leave parents helpless, but it is not the most troublesome. The trickiest part is the fifth stage – proving incompetence.

When a child can't find his place, can't see his own value, can't find the meaning of existence, he will give up on himself.

He will feel that he is worthless, and in order to avoid further blows, he will tell you with actions: "Don't hope for me, I can't do it." ”

There is no trace of positivity in their personalities. Their mantra may be "leave me alone".

Watching them give up on themselves, you can only shake your head sadly.

Of course, there are still very few children who have made it this far, unless the family relationship is really really bad. Most children will be in the third stage, pulling power with their parents.

If we want our children to live happily without much psychological trauma, then in the previous stage, we must change the parenting style in time and accompany the child's growth with gentle and artistic communication.

[The picture comes from the Internet, invaded and deleted]

About the author:Cuckoo mother, psychological counselor, family education instructor, marriage emotional counselor, focusing on children's psychology, understanding children's easy parenting, if you like it, pay attention to it~