Do you have such a baby like this in your family?
When he was late for school, he blamed the alarm clock for not ringing, and his parents didn't call him;
If you fail the exam, blame the test paper for being too difficult, and the teacher for asking too biased questions;
When you make friends, you blame each other for having a bad temper and getting along with each other;
When such children encounter things, they are accustomed to making excuses from the outside and excusing themselves.
The child's attitude of "as long as there are enough excuses, you will take me without a problem" makes many parents angry and explode on the spot.
American educator Bloom said:
"Excuses are an excuse for not wanting to take responsibility, a reflection of not keeping promises, a sign of fear of difficulties and not seeking progress, and it directly hinders a person's future success. ”
Making excuses in case of trouble is a stumbling block on the road to children's growth, which will make children repeatedly frustrated in learning, mind and making friends.
01 Children love to make excuses when they encounter problems, and there are several reasons behind them to know!
1. Parents often use "why" to communicate with their children
When a child doesn't do something well, many parents are used to using the "why" question?
"Why didn't I do well in this exam?"
"Why are you late for school today?"
"Why don't people play with you?"
The hidden subtext of this way of asking questions from parents is: "It's all your fault."
When children often hear the "pressure" of their parents "why", out of the instinctive reaction of seeking advantages and avoiding disadvantages, there is a high probability that they will shirk their responsibilities and find reasons from the outside world.
Such children will find ways to justify themselves in order to alleviate their fears and insecurity.
2. Parents love to compare their children with others
In order to motivate their children to work hard, some parents will sometimes compare "other people's children" with their own children.
"The neighborhood children are versatile, you can't do anything";
"Your grades at the table are so good, why don't you learn more from others?"
"You are far worse than others in the test, and you are embarrassed to go out to play?";
Parents start out to love their children, but they do it in the wrong way. These derogatory words from parents are like saying a spell to the child, making the child miserable.
According to an online survey released by China News Network, the number one thing children hate most about their parents is: "Look at other people's children", accounting for about half of the voters.
When parents always compare their children with "other people's children" and constantly set off "other people's excellence", they are actually highlighting their children's "badness".
When a child is faced with setbacks, he will subconsciously find excuses to refuse, for fear of exposing his bad side.
In "Positive Discipline", it says:
"Don't compare a child to his siblings, or to anyone else, it's disrespectful and frustrating for the child.
Parents who love to compare, who seem to be "agitated", but compare again and again, making children feel that they are inferior to others everywhere. ”
Comparisons from parents will make children gradually lose self-confidence and lack enthusiasm for doing things.
03. Excessive nagging by parents destroys the child's internal drive
Excessive nagging by parents can affect a child's self-perception and negatively affect the development of their brain.
In the book, the author of "Mom Don't Nag, Teach Stick Boys" points out the negative impact of his parents' nagging education on him:
"I can't help but say that what I was most bored with and wanted to escape from when I was a child was also my mother's nagging.
My mother's nagging, mixed with accusations and criticisms that made me extremely uncomfortable, permeated with distrust, incomprehension and dissatisfaction, densely filled my ears and filled my head, making me unable to think and making me self-conscious. ”
When parents communicate with their children, with frequent nagging and intervention, they produce continuous, intense stimulation of the child's brain.
Excessive parental intervention and nagging can cause the stress response system in the child's brain to be overactivated. This system, which mainly includes the hippocampus and amygdala, is also a key part of the brain in dealing with stress and fear responses.
When this system is triggered frequently, it can affect the child's ability to regulate emotions, leading to increased anxiety and stress.
02 These 3 ways to make children responsible for their own behavior!
I like this quote very much:
Every time parents educate their children in their own way, they not only shape their children's behavior, but also portray their children's cognitive system.
If you don't want your child to make excuses and take the initiative to solve the problem, parents need to give their children a sense of strength, and the following 3 tips are for parents.
01Parents change their communication patterns
The "why" accountability model makes it easy for children to "dump" external factors in order to escape punishment and self-protection.
Parents can transform their communication patterns from "why" to "how" responsible models.
When your child has a problem, here are a few ways to ask questions:
"Next time, what can I do better?"
"Next time, how can I not be late?"
"Next time, what can you do to make the children want to play with you?"
The "how-to" style of communication will bring the child into problem-solving thinking, and the child will come up with the solution on his own, and he will be more motivated to implement it.
According to the book "Self-Driven Growth":
"Parents who want to develop their children's self-control and stimulate their intrinsic motivation should see themselves as their child's 'consultant', not their child's 'boss or manager'. ”
02 Replace nagging with rules
In daily life, the broken thoughts of parents Tang Seng will gradually make children practice immunity "magic skills", no matter how many times they say it, children are "oil and salt do not enter".
In the long run, the parents collapsed, the children rebelled, and the family atmosphere was tense.
Parents may wish to replace nagging with rules to reduce parent-child conflicts.
When formulating rules, parents should not agree with their children to formulate specific and enforceable rules, and children can also participate in the formulation process.
In the book "Child, Give Me Your Hand" says:
"To cultivate children's sense of responsibility is to give them the opportunity to speak in matters that are related to them, let go in time, and let them make their own choices and responses. ”
When the rules are set well, parents should also lead by example, and children can implement them better. Once a rule is made, it cannot be broken at will.
At the same time, parents should give timely recognition and affirmation to their children when they do it, and help their children strengthen their motivation to take the initiative to do things.
03Don't compare with your children, give them more positive feedback
In the book "Character and Parenting", it says:
"In fact, there are no advantages or disadvantages between people, just differences. Every life is unique, and parents should treat their children objectively as if they were someone else's child. ”
Instead of desperately chasing the footsteps of others, it is better to let children follow their own growth rhythm and take every step well.
Give your child praise and encouragement when appropriate to help him gain confidence.
Positive psychological cues from parents will make children believe that "I can", "I can do it", and "my efforts will be rewarded", and children's learning potential and motivation will also be stimulated.
British educator Spencer said, "When a child feels loved and trusted, miracles will soon appear before your eyes." ”
There is no shortcut to parenting, excellent children are not born out of thin air, behind which is inseparable from the hard work of parents, and parents are encouraged!