Author: Warm Heart Source: Satya Parenting (ID: satiryuer)
Someone asked: What do good parents look like? A netizen's answer was very poignant: I have lived for 25 years, and I have never experienced the love of my parents.
When I was a child, I was often beaten and often argued;
I confide in my mother for insomnia in high school, but I was accused of "what troubles can children have, thinking so much all day long";
During the military training in college, the girls in the same dormitory called to complain to their parents, crying profusely, and I had no waves in my heart;
The biggest feeling since I was a child is that I am wronged, and every time I say something to my parents, I feel very humble......
It's a really heart-wrenching experience. Many parents believe that educating their children is: harshness, scolding, and denial. But a good education is never strict, but a warm upbringing.
In particular, good parents must understand the following 6 keywords.
01
Love
It is the background color of the happiness of a child's life
I recently saw a post on the Internet: The aftermath of a parental quarrel. This netizen said that since he can remember, his parents have often quarreled, fought, and fought coldly for various reasons. He often hid in his room alone and cried. Every time he thinks of the picture of his parents arguing, he will be full of fear of the future, so his personality has become submissive, and he always dares to be angry and dare not speak. He said: Even if he grows up and goes out to study and work, this feeling will haunt him every day. All the security of a child comes from the nurturer. Parents who often quarrel bring fear and fear to their children, and he will always be in an insecure environment and slowly become inferior. Studies have shown that:
In families where couples often quarrel, the detection rate of psychological problems in children is 32%. 30 per cent of divorced families and 19 per cent of harmonious families.
Therefore, the parent's way of getting along determines the formation of the child's personality.
A psychologist once said that love between parents can make children feel safe and stable. If there are elements of love, respect and acceptance in a family, it will fill the child with a sense of security and happiness.
Parents love each other to give the home warmth, but also let children learn to "show love".
02Freedom fills children with a sense of worth
A large number of parents are accustomed to "managing their children": their children get up in the morning and urge them many times, come home at night and keep an eye on their children to finish their homework, and they must explain where they go on weekends, what they do, and who they are going with. However, you will find that the child slowly appears rebellious, and he is reluctant to talk to you about small things, and sometimes caring about him too much will provoke the child's temper. Why do children become like this? Because children who lack "freedom" will slowly lose the mobility of life. If we are always accustomed to lecturing to children, always like to remind children, and worry that children will have something wrong, although we can restrain children's behavior, we deprive children of their sense of worth. Every parent should understand that true discipline is not restraint, but freedom. It is not a laissez-faire approach to children, but the right to choose, to try and to make mistakes, which is a necessary life experience for children to grow. Educator Lai Nianhua recounted an experience. She initially liked art, but her father was very supportive and sent her to further education. Later, she realized that she didn't really like art, so she began to study psychology. This time, her father did not stop her, which also gave her the opportunity to devote herself to her studies, and she later became a well-known educator of our time. "I'm thankful to my dad because he allowed me to switch, he allowed me to change the track, and that's who I am today," she said. "The important thing in a child's life is to experience, not to arrange. We want each child to be his own "leader" and he can make his own choices. What parents need to do is to "participate" in time when their children need it, and "sit by" when they don't. This is the true value of education. 03 Self-discipline to awaken children's internal drive
I have read a story: two mothers are neighbors, one loves to play mahjong, and the other has endless things to do every day. The mother who loves to play mahjong rarely cares about the child every day, and the child is in junior high school, and often does not complete the homework, but the mother feels that "the child is not the material for learning, let him go". The child's grades slowly declined, and eventually it got worse and worse. Although the other mother does not go to work, she practices yoga, listens to online classes, and reads books every day. When the child goes to school, she practices yoga in the morning. In the afternoon, she will study online, from managing children to improving herself, and she also learns to write in her spare time. When the child comes home in the evening, she holds a book and reads it aside. Her children love to learn, come back every day to do their homework, and often go to the bookstore with their mother all day on weekends. My daughter has been in the top three of her class since she was a child, and she was just admitted to a key high school last year. This is the difference between a child raised by a self-disciplined parent and a child who is not self-disciplined. Self-disciplined parents will not use laziness to drag down their children, and they will also bring diligence, rigor, and restraint to them. As a result, the child will also copy a diligent, rigorous, and self-disciplined person. Many parents always complain that their children are unconscious and not active, but they are not strict with themselves. Imagine how parents who are always holding their mobile phones can raise children who love to learn? Writer Baldwin once said, "Children will never obediently listen to adults, but they will definitely imitate adults." "The best way to awaken children's internal motivation is to be self-disciplined by parents and imitated by children. Strict and self-disciplined parents will raise children who are not bad.
04 Empathy supports children emotionally
The conversation between psychologist Wang Jiqiong and her son has touched many people. One day, his son excitedly asked him to guess the math score, and he guessed and couldn't guess it. Subsequently, the son said excitedly: "Dad, I finally got 90 in the exam this time!" Seeing his son's proud appearance, he was also very happy and kept praising his son. The son asked again: "Dad, are you happy?" Wang Jiqiong said: "Dad is very happy to see you, so I am also very happy." This short conversation has been liked by more than 200,000 netizens. Because he told his son in an "empathetic" way: I care about your mood, not your grades. Many parents have no ability to empathize most of the time: their children do not do well in the exams, and they will scold them with a bad face; when their children are bullied, they will not comfort him, and they will ridicule "I am bullied every day, and I am so timid"...... Never care about the child's feelings, so in the child's world, parents are indifferent.
Only when parents learn to empathize will you have the ability to "empathize":
When you see a child crying because he lost an eraser, you can understand his sadness and sadness, not laugh at him;
When you see a child who is depressed because he did not do well in the exam, you can read his frustration and unwillingness, instead of criticizing him;
When you see your child being snubbed by his peers, you can feel his grievances and loneliness, rather than sarcastically mocking him.
Every parent must learn to be a good "energy converter" for their children, and transform their children's "negative emotions" into "positive energy".
When your child is sad, tell him, "I know you're sad," or if you don't do well in the exam, tell him, "I know you're trying," and ......
We must always see the child with our "heart", feel him, and support him more emotionally, so as to inject more love and spiritual energy into him.
05Trust is the "energy field" on the road of children's growth
There was a second-grader who didn't eat school meals every day and only ate biscuit snacks. The reason behind it is very heart-wrenching. It turned out that from the first day of school, as soon as the mother arrived at the end of school, she began to ask the child constantly: "What did you eat at noon today? What are the ingredients for each dish? How are they cooked?" Even the tomato scrambled eggs should ask the child, "Is there more tomatoes or eggs?" Every time the mother has to get to the bottom of it, it makes the child disgusted, and skipping meals is his "silent protest". This is probably a common problem for many parents: worrying too much about their children.
Picky eaters and worried about poor development, worried that the child will not study well because he does not do well in exams, and want to sleep for a while on weekends and worry that it will affect his studies.
But I don't know: every time you worry, you are conveying a concept to your child: I don't trust you.
Some netizens said:
"Adults habitually underestimate a child's abilities, intelligence, judgment and understanding, and habitually ignore the child's voice. ”
When a child's abilities are constantly underestimated, a negative implication will form: I am bad.
Therefore, children who are not trusted will slowly weaken their abilities and become less and less confident. The "self-determination theory" proposed by psychologists mentions a concept called competence. It means that we need a certain sense of competence to push ourselves. When parents no longer worry about their children, but believe in him, it will make children have a strong sense of responsibility, fully tap their potential, and release energy. For example, before your child's exam, you say, "You study so hard, I believe that you will make progress this time," and when your child is afraid of something, you say, "I believe that this difficulty will not be difficult for you...... In education, as long as the trust of parents is in place, it can arouse children's infinite energy. 06Companionship gives children a full sense of security
On the wish wall in a restaurant, I saw that many children wished to "want their parents to be with me".
I hope my mom can pick me up from school every day, I hope my dad comes home early from work and doesn't work overtime too often: I hope they will have time to spend time with me on my next birthday......
I don't know when it began, and companionship has become a very "luxury" for children.
The absence of companionship is a large part of the reason for the increase in "problem children". Professor Li Meijin wrote about such a case in "Psychological Parenting": a pair of parents went out to work and left their son in their hometown. The boy who had not been accompanied by his parents dropped out of school at the age of 12 and did one thing: "stealing money" in the city where his parents lived. The first time he was arrested, he was taken home by his father to educate, and the second time he committed the crime, the son told the police how many crimes he had committed, how much money he had stolen, and asked the police to sentence him. In fact, every time he was arrested, he wanted to see his parents. This case is really deplorable. If parents do not give their children enough love and companionship in childhood, the child's personality will be indifferent, inferior, and sensitive, thinking that he is not loved. Only enough warmth can evoke the "soul" of the child.
A father on the Internet learned that his son was tired of school, so he took his child on a trip of more than 50 days.
They walked a lot and saw a lot of scenery.
The child's thinking has changed dramatically, and his interest in learning has been rekindled.
If you have time to spend with your child to see his world, you will find that in fact, the child's world is longing for the parents' back.
07Every family is a fertile land, and a child is a seed that has not yet germinated. The way parents water determines the direction of their children's growth. If parents love each other, children will have a warm heart; if parents are more "broad-hearted", children's growth will be more flexible; parents have a plan to do things, and children will be very self-disciplined in life; parents attach importance to emotional interaction with children, children love you more; parents worry less about their children, children will be more motivated; parents care more, children will be more emotionally rich. What the future of children will be shaped by their parents. Forward-thinking parents know how to cultivate their children's inner qualities and strength.
Source: satya parenting (ID: satiryuer), spread practical psychology, meet the masters, let psychology quickly change your life, please contact the original author for reprinting. The pictures in this article are all from the Internet, if there is a copyright problem, please contact to delete!
Editor: Wu Yanhui
Reviewer: Wang Yuting
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