Is it "homosexuality" or "gender dysphoria" for adolescent sons to be called "wife"?
On the one hand, it shows parents' concern about the mental health of adolescents, and on the other hand, it also reflects the lack of psychological science in this regard, which leads to many parents being anxious and at a loss.
Expert in this issue: Li Jianxue, chief counselor and sexual psychotherapist of the Psychological Counseling Center
When Xiaoxin was forced by his parents to come for psychological counseling for the first time, he said that he felt super speechless, he felt that he was normal, he was not gay, and he didn't want to be a girl, but his parents didn't believe it.
Is there a reason for the parents' worries?
Xiaoxin thinks that there is, but there is not.
The reason is: Mom looked at the chat interface of Xiaoxin's game one day and found that someone called Xiaoxin "wife", and moreover, Xiaoxin played all female characters. So, she worries that her son is "homosexual" or "gender dysphoriac" as described on the Internet.
I like to play with girls, I don't like to play with boys
Xiaoxin, who looks like a mother, is white and delicate, clean, introverted, sensitive and delicate, afraid of the dark and loves to cry. A 16-year-old boy who gives people a sense of innocence and immaturity, and laughs lightly.
Such boys are very popular with girls and are easy to become girls' "best friends" because they have no aggression and sexual tension on them, making girls feel safe and secure.
And Xiaoxin also prefers to play with girls, usually giggling and chasing, disliking and rejecting playing with boys, and thinking that men are vulgar......
"I used to think it was bad for him to be like this, but I didn't think it was much of a problem. Being called 'wife' and 'wife' by people, my heart really broke down...... "Mom couldn't cry.
What made my mother even more devastated was that Xiaoxin said that she didn't want to get married in the future, and it was good to be alone. If her mother asks again, Xiaoxin can't say why.
Mom thinks that Xiao Xin must have something unspeakable - there may really be gender recognition disorder or homosexual tendencies.
Being too intimate with women
Talking about the relationship with the girl, Xiaoxin said that his best childhood friends were the cousins of the eldest aunt and the second aunt's family. Because my grandmother was at his house for a long time, my aunts would bring my cousins and cousins over to play on holidays. He grew up hanging out with a few cousins.
Moreover, since he was a child, he has been loved and cared for by his grandmother, the closest person is his grandmother, and he still sleeps in the bunk bed with his grandmother, and his grandparents and grandchildren read books quietly, practice the piano and tell stories together on weekdays, and his grandmother does not allow him to be wild and crazy with other boys, one is afraid that he will be bullied, the second is afraid that those boys will take him badly, and the third is afraid that he will play too hard and delay his study. Xiaoxin has been sick since he was a child, but under the care of his grandmother, he also has a beautiful face and a light temperament, like a small public act of a scholarly family.
The mother often praises her son for being well-behaved and considerate, understanding her better than her husband and taking care of her feelings.
Fear and aversion to men
What about Dad?
In Xiaoxin's words, he is not familiar with his father, who is a person who is outside the family.
"He came back with money and gifts, and my mother and grandmother said that we wanted to thank him, but we didn't look like a family, as if me, my grandmother, and my mother were a family, and we didn't know him, and he didn't know us. ”
In Xiaoxin's heart, his father is strict, fierce, dark and rough-skinned, and his words and deeds are vulgar, unlike the people in this family - grandmother and mother are gentle, clean, high-quality, and good at maintenance.
Moreover, his father also hated him, and was upset when he saw him, often criticizing him, mocking him for not being like a boy, and crying at every turn.
Xiaoxin is angry and aggrieved, he also wants to be manly and cheerful, but for some reason, he just doesn't fight, and when he encounters some setbacks and is said a few words, he is easy to cry. He didn't like his personality trait very much, and he didn't like to be ridiculed like this by his father.
He was full of disgust for his father.
Get out of the binary relationship with women and into the triadic relationship
As the counseling unfolded, Mom and Dad understood that Xiaoxin was too close to women and difficult to identify with men, due to their improper parenting and the long-term absence of his father.
They realize that Shin-chan has a strong Oedipus conflict, and he is subconsciously afraid of attacks and competition from his father, which not only affects his relationships with his parents and others, but also hinders the development of his social functioning.
His parents were not only afraid that he had a gender identity disorder, but also worried that when he grew up, he would not be good at cooperating with others, afraid of competition, difficult to adapt to society, and unhappy in his work and life.
Xiaoxin said that he likes to play with girls, and this like is not what he "likes". "I just don't feel like I'm a man enough, and I'm not gay as my parents say I am. I don't know exactly what I like, same-sex, heterosexual, or I don't like anyone at all, probably asexuality. ”
If parents want to help their children, first of all, don't label him, sincerely accept the child's character, delicate, sensitive, gentle and strong, brave, masculine, etc., although the temperament is different, but each has its own beauty, the more parents accept, the more the child improves;
However, if you want children to develop more of their male part, they need to let the father enter more, so that the parent-child relationship can move from a "binary relationship" between mother and child to a "three-person relationship".
At this time, the mother should learn to show weakness and make room for the father to be more friends with his adolescent son.
The father, on the other hand, needs to change his image of being harsh, reprimanding, accusing, and commanding, to put down his authority and get along with his son as an equal and friendly friend. In this way, Xiaoxin can learn to interact with men.
A dream
Xiaoxin prefers to come over alone for consultation, and he is more comfortable without his parents here.
He told a dream in which he had a confrontation with a boy and both sides pulled out their guns. The opponent is M762, he is M4, and he is afraid that he will not win.
He got used to my interpretation of dreams and got used to talking to me about sex.
During the day, when he had this dream, he booed in the boys' toilet at school, and a boy who came in the cubicle also began to shush. He listened, felt that the other party was continuous, and suddenly thought that the other party was not a big cock. The idea bore him and he went to class.
Sex, I say, makes you feel ashamed. What's even more shameful is that you find yourself comparing yourself to another man whose cock seems to be bigger. In the dream, the opponent's gun is fiercer than yours, and you are worried that your cock is too small to win.
Tears welled up in his eyes, swirling in his eyes, and finally vanished. I pretended not to see it.
He felt that he was not a man enough, that no other boy urinated much, that he urinated far, and that his genitals were not big enough.
I talked to him about sex and told him that every man feels that he is not as good as the person next to him, because when we look down at ourselves, we will feel short and thin, and when we look at others sideways, we feel that others are long and thick, which is caused by different perspectives.
He laughed and relaxed.
I said, your doubts about your sexuality are not just a matter of chicken size, but deep down your worries about whether you can be a good man.
After understanding this, he decided to improve himself first, exercise more, study hard, and become a knowledgeable, wise, and physically strong man. He also wants to have more contact with his father, a "rough man".
Sex is no longer shameful, brave to grow up boys
"I told my dad about peeing, and he said they used to do that when they were kids, a few boys peeing together and peeing farther than anyone else. Whoever pees far, who is great. Xiaoxin said.
At this time, in this family, sex is no longer a confusing, fearful, and shameful thing, but a normal and discussable thing.
"In the previous consultation, you said that I don't identify with men. Maybe it's right, I don't agree with them, one is that I had too little contact with men when I was a child, and I didn't learn to get along with men, and the other is that I don't know a lot of things between men.
It's like this, maybe I've seen it in elementary school or even kindergarten before, and I'll compare it, but I think it's not good and ridiculous, and I can't tell my mother and grandmother when I go back. As he spoke, he smiled embarrassedly, as if he had done something ridiculous and confused.
"Listening to my dad say that now, I think it's normal. He smiled happily.
I said, Dad's response makes you feel that the competition between men is so inexplicably normal and harmonious, and your own jealousy and competition are normal.
"yes. Lately, I've been thinking that I have a hidden rivalry for men, but I don't know it. His eyes sparkled.
He said that he used to like to play with girls, and he didn't like to play with boys, because he felt that boys behaved vulgarly, spoke savagely, dirty, and smelled of sweat, while girls prefer to be clean and have a good personality. It turned out that the competition with girls was relatively weak, and I had always disagreed with boys and disliked them, because the competition with them was stronger in my heart, and I wanted to compare them all.
At this point, Xiaoxin has a new understanding of the relationship with men and women.
Once, he insisted that it was because the boys were ugly and dirty that he refused to be close to them. Later, he thought that he didn't agree with boys, so he rejected boys.
Now, he found that he also wanted to be a great man, but because he was not manly enough to surpass other boys, he couldn't accept and was afraid of such failure, so he first denied and belittled other boys, and focused on other boys who were inferior to himself.
He thinks that girls are clean in the early days, and he is familiar with playing with girls; in the middle, he realizes that the competition with each other is weak, and it is easier to play together; deep in his heart, his liking for girls is also differentiated, some are regarded by him as "sisters", and he will be slightly different from a girl who studies well, happy when he sees it, and lost when he can't see it.
This awareness of his is a great improvement, and his reconciliation with men is on the way, and he has a hazy sexual affection for women.
[This article is an original article by Mr. Li Jianxue, and the company reserves the right to pursue it according to law. 】
Li Jianxue
Hear about it, the chief expert of the Psychological Counseling Center
Member of the Psychological Counselor Professional Committee of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Senior Marriage Counselor
Senior Family Education Instructor
Sexual Psychology Counselor
Senior hypnotist