Neglected Adolescent Depression: Sick children, first have a sick home

A few days ago, I saw such a news.

A 13-year-old boy in Guiyang suffered from severe depression, not only was he not interested in studying, but he was also unable to play.

Suffering from depression was already painful, and after his diagnosis, his mother kept complaining:

"What are you so depressed about, we earn some money, and we spend it all for you, we are working so hard now, isn't it all for you?

How much pressure we are under day by day, you are still depressed, you are worried about me. ”

Seeing this scene, some netizens pointed out sharply: "In this family, the boy is the least sick. ”

Sometimes, it's not the children who are really sick, it's the parents.

In March 2023, there was such a news:

There was a girl in Hangzhou who was unwell at the beginning of her junior high school and her grades plummeted.

But parents only wonder why their children's grades are suddenly so poor, but they do not pay attention to their children's demands that they don't want to go to school and want to go to the doctor.

Even after the child was diagnosed with depression due to suicidal tendencies and started taking antidepressants, the mother stopped the child's medication without authorization.

The girl's parents were both graduates of the country's top universities, but they were puzzled by their child's depressive behavior, which pushed the child into the abyss of mental illness.

Due to parents' lack of awareness of the laws of children's growth, families with psychological problems abound in children.

Obviously, there is a problem with the parents and family education, but all the negative results must be borne by the children.

When will this situation of parents having "illness" and children taking medicine be stopped?

01 Behind every troubled child, there is a sick family

The biggest harm in this world is to subtly hurt you under the banner of "for your good".

It seems that in the mouths of parents, the correct, decent and irrefutable reason of "for your own good" can become a defense for many parents and a mantra for their children.

If a child has the will to resist, he will be labeled as "disobedient", "impolite", and "unconscientious".

A psychological counselor on Zhihu told such a story.

A mother brings her teenage daughter for counseling.

Facing the counselor, she began to count the children in the same way:

The daughter fell in love, smoked, got into fights with classmates at school, quarreled with teachers, stole classmates' things, destroyed school facilities, and put cockroaches in classmates' water cups......

The daughter couldn't help but burst into a foul language after hearing this, and the mother also exploded, and the two quarreled in the consultation room.

Later, the mother walked away, leaving her daughter alone for psychological counseling.

In the description of the girl's mother, the girl seems to be born with bad bones and no oil and salt, however, after the counselor's long-term in-depth understanding, the truth behind it has surfaced:

The girl was actually very well-behaved when she was a child, but her parents were cold and selfish, kicking her around like a ball and arguing about it.

Dad is busy with work, and it is Mom who accompanies her the most, but Mom always complains, saying that her existence is a trouble.

Mom's discipline method is simple and rude, and she beats and scolds her at every turn.

And my mother is narrow-minded, because she has a conflict with a family on the first floor, she deliberately throws garbage into someone's yard when she has nothing to do, and she is always proud.

Once when she threw garbage downstairs, she was caught by the other party, and the neighbor came to theorize, but her mother first refused to admit it, and then she was forced to be anxious, and pointed to her daughter who was doing her homework in the living room and said: The child is ignorant and throws it......

It turns out that the girl's violent and rebellious style of behavior and hostility towards others come from her parents' "words and deeds" for many years.

In fact, we often encounter such parents, who are chattering about their children's problems and expecting a counselor to solve them for them.

But every time you dig deeper, you will find that the root cause of the child's problems is often in the parents.

However, these parents never admit that it is their own problem, let alone take the initiative to change.

This is the biggest tragedy of a family: even though the parents are sick, they want their children to take medicine.

02 The problems on the child's body are actually the pot that is carried by the parents

Another counselor also shared an experience.

On one shift, a mother rushed in with her 14-year-old son and asked him:

"Can you help me see why my son is addicted to the Internet?"

"He is either playing with his mobile phone all day long, or turning on the computer to play games with others, I really can't help it, I don't know how to treat him. ”

The child kept his head down the whole time and didn't say a word.

The counselor said, "Can I talk to my child alone?"

After the mother leaves, the counselor asks the child, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Only then did the child raise his head and say with a little grievance:

"Mom and Dad are so busy with work that they don't pay much attention to me. ”

"I love the feeling of playing games and chatting with my friends online. ” 

The counselor asked, "Have you ever told your parents what you think?"

The child lowered his head again: "I have said it several times, but they don't believe it at all, and they say that these are all excuses." ”

Professor Li Meijin once said:

When you find that it is difficult for children to educate, in fact, the problem is very early.

Children's problems are often caused by adults, and each psychological or behavioral problem of a child must be related to the behavior of the parents and the way the parents are educated.

Many times, the problems of children are actually the blame for their parents.

All the problems seem to be children, but they are projected by parents' anxiety, worry, and non-acceptance of themselves.

Children are also not a tool that parents use to show off and gain face. Sick parents can't raise happy children.

Only when parents recognize the boundary between them and their children and withdraw from their children's world, children do not need to "take medicine" for their parents, so that they can grow up safely and enjoy their own happiness and freedom.

Many times, parents are always accustomed to complaining about their children's problems, and after in-depth understanding, they will find that behind these problems, it is often the parents' problems. This also leads to many families, it is the parents who are obviously sick, but in the end it is the children who take medicine.

03 Children's problems are a reflection of parents' education problems

In the TV series "Female Psychologist", there is a visitor named Jiang Jing.

In front of her mother, she is a well-behaved and lovely girl, and she is still obedient to her mother at the age of 30;

But as soon as she left her mother's sight, she immediately became extremely rebellious and went to the bar to play the drum kit that her mother hated the most. 

She also has bulimia nervosa, always overeating uncontrollably, but after eating too much, she is afraid of gaining weight, and she starts vomiting after eating.

The root of Jiang Jing's "split" and pain lies in her mother. 

From childhood to adulthood, from dressing up, to eating and living, and what friends she makes, she has been supervised and controlled by her mother in an all-round way.

Mother also gave her a key to her room so that she could enter and exit at any time.

She even forcibly found out the diary that she might have hidden the girl's thoughts, and read it in front of the guests.

Even when she became an adult, this control never stopped.

Once, Jiang Jing hid from her mother and went to play a drum kit with a friend, and when her mother found out, she angrily threw the drumstick on the ground:

"You have to be a good girl, stay away from these friends who are not dressed in random clothes and have disheveled hair!"

"Did I let you beat the drum kit? You're the meat that fell off my body, you have to tell me what to do!"

Her mother's strength oppressed Jiang Jing breathlessly, and she even had serious psychological problems.

In the book "Don't Wait for Your Children to Grow Up and Regret What You're Doing Too Much Now", it states:

Every problem in a child is a reflection of a parent's problem.

A violent and psychologically distorted child must have parents who also advocate violence and have a short temper standing behind him.

A depressed and pessimistic child must have parents with high expectations and love to control behind him.

Sadly, when a child has a problem, how many parents only have their eyes on their children, but they are unaware of their mistakes.

An educationalist once said: "I think the biggest problem in education now is not how to educate children, but how to be parents." ”

Self-righteous parents will only try to control their children and push them into the abyss step by step. Wise parents can heal their children and reshape the parent-child relationship by changing themselves.

The brutal intrusion and control of parents will only force children to build a more solid copper wall, as if their privacy has been pepted on, that unspeakable sense of shame.

In traditional education, this kind of independent behavior of parents is called love, and the forced acceptance of children is called sensible. Parents should not impose their own thoughts and desires on their children. Only when parents really grow up can they understand what it means to love their children.

Write at the end:

In this world, there are two types of parents:

One is the "old-fashioned" parents, who use a set of education methods they have received in the past to raise their children, and if the child does not perform well, they usually only think that the child has a problem;

On the other hand, there are "introspective" parents, who will explore ways of educating their children that are in step with the times, and if their children are not doing well, they will reflect and then look for better ways to educate their children.

Parenting is a practice of constant self-reflection, raising children and cultivating oneself.

Bai Yansong once said: "I think the biggest problem in Chinese education now is not how to educate children, but how to be parents." ”

Self-righteous parents will only try to control their children and push them into the abyss step by step.

Wise parents can heal their children and reshape the parent-child relationship by changing themselves.