These 3 signs suggest that the child is really lacking love

The following article comes from Qian Zhiliang's studio, written by Qian Zhiliang

The philosopher Henry Thoreau said, "Most people live in quiet despair." ”

A person who is desperately lacking in love is often in this state of despair.

Many people lack love, and it all starts from childhood.

The lack of love in childhood affects a child's life.

If a child's emotional needs are not met for a long time in childhood and adolescence, it will have a profound impact on his mental health, character development, and future relationship with others.

So, what are the characteristics of a child who lacks love?

We highlight the following three points:

1

Use sensible and well-behaved to please adults

Children who lack love want to please their parents when they are young.

In his book "Nedochka", Dostoevsky describes a little girl who tries to please her stepfather in exchange for love and care.

Born into an unhappy family, his mother was irritable and irritable, and his stepfather was originally brilliant but conceited, and in his idle life, he contracted to drink and gamble.

Nedochka loved her stepfather very much.

A nine-year-old child observes his stepfather's every move every day, listens to his every word, carefully looks at his stepfather's face, and does his best to please him.

She would even secretly take her mother's money and hand it over to her father.

As soon as she hesitated, her father would say:

"So, you don't want to love me? Well, well! I'll leave you now.

Stay with your mother, I will leave you, and I will not take you away.

Do you hear that, wicked little girl?

The words of her father, completely frightened Nedochka, she succumbed to this fear of abandonment and continued to give her love to her father in desperation.

Nedochka once said: "Many children are often deformed and lack perception, and if they fall in love with someone, they will love extraordinarily." ”

Children who lack love are too afraid of not being loved.

They gradually discovered that if they wanted to get the little love from their parents, they could only use their well-behaved and sensible things to please them.

The weakest parents know how to "bully" their children badly.

Like Nedochka's stepfather, they treat love as a threat or set conditions for it.

In childhood, children will try to satisfy their parents, and when they grow up, they will try to please others.

We only see the child's understanding, but we don't know it, which may be a manifestation of the child's lack of love.

In the past, parents were always relieved that their children were sensible too early.

But today, many people tell us that this kind of sensibility is "bad", because behind this kind of sensibility is likely to hide grievances and forbearance.

2

Deliberately mischievous to attract attention

Children who lack love will also have some intense performance.

For example, in families with many children, although many parents keep saying that they treat their children equally, there are still children who feel unfair treatment by their parents, and they will feel that they are being snubbed by their parents.

In this case, some children become hostile and try to find ways to get their attention.

I once read a news story about a 7-year-old girl who disliked her younger brother so much that she often hit him and pushed him out of bed.

In her opinion, the birth of her younger brother took away the love of her parents from her.

She was rude and unreasonable to her brother, just so that adults could see her and notice her.

There is a quote from the book "Kids: The Challenge":

"Children would rather be beaten than neglected. ”

Children are constantly looking for evidence that they are loved.

Being scolded or criticized may be a negative concern, but it is much better for a child to feel his or her presence than to endure neglect and rejection.

This kind of behavior will eventually invite repression from adults. The war between parents and children escalates, and the children who initially attract attention begin to compete for power, gradually developing stronger hostility towards their parents, and their parents' rough attitudes make them feel more unloved.

Gradually, these children have a new idea - "no one likes me".

A child with such thoughts is like a hedgehog, and if you want to get close to him, he will stab you instead.

From this point of view, those "problem children" in the mouths of teachers and parents may actually be a group of children who lack love.

Because all the problems in the child are essentially a thirst for love.

So, when a child has a problem:

The first thing we should reflect on is not the method of education, but whether we really see the children, and whether we really give them enough love?

The first thing we should do is not to increase our discipline, but to repair our relationship with our children.

After all, without love, education becomes cold and empty.

3

Low self-esteem and low self-worth

How would you feel if the person you loved most and loved didn't love you?

Most people start to wonder if they are not good enough.

For young children, the love of their nurturers is also the key to their "valuing" or "despising" themselves.

Alain de Botton, author of The Anxiety of Identity, once said:

"The main reason why other people's attention to us is so important is that there is an inherent uncertainty in human judgments about our own worth – our perception of ourselves depends to a large extent on what others think of us.

Our sense of self and self-identity is completely conditioned by what those around us say about us. ”

For a growing child, the most impactful feedback comes from parents.

Some parents are concerned about their children's learning and love them on the surface, but in fact they rarely respond appropriately to their children's emotional needs; some parents often deny their children, rarely show warmth and understanding to their children, and their children only feel the high expectations of their parents, their strict demands and their eternal "dissatisfaction".

Once a child rarely feels the love of their parents and is not well reciprocated, they will also doubt their own existence:

My parents didn't love me enough – I felt sad – and came to the conclusion that "I'm not good enough" and "I don't matter" – and started self-deprecating and self-attacking.

These children who lack love in childhood often have unrealistic self-evaluations, and it is difficult to form a stable, healthy and clear perception of themselves.

Most of the time, they feel bad about themselves, and even if they are smart, kind, and lovable people, they will repeatedly belittle themselves in their hearts.

As a result, children are easily hurt by others' evaluations and reactions in interpersonal communication, self-denial, and serious psychological internal friction.

4

There is a saying circulating on the Internet: "Love always flows to people who are not short of love." ”

Children who lack love are very lonely on the road to the rest of their lives.

I believe that many young parents have experienced this first-hand.

Around us, there are many adults who lacked love in childhood, who do not know how to love themselves and how to love others.

They are looking for the love of their fathers in their hearts, and they always hope that someone will appear to make up for the lack of this love.

After becoming a parent, because the emotional needs of children were not properly responded, it is inevitable that they will be in a hurry when they comfort their children.

It would take them almost a lifetime to learn about the subject of love.

It is true that neglected childhood may bring a lot of damage to our hearts, but fortunately, we still have time to love our children well.

As parents, it is inevitable that the educational methods we use will make mistakes, and sometimes even hurt our children, but the real harm is to let our children grow up in a loveless family.

Every child should clearly understand that he or she is deeply loved by his or her parents.

Love is the sustenance they need for life.

May all parents receive the love they give to their children;

May all children grow up bathed in the sunshine of love.

Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio

Author | Qian Zhiliang

Co-ordination | Zhou Caili

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