What you say to your child every day determines your child's IQ and EQ!

Author: The main creative group Enina

Seeing the news of a boy getting sick is distressing.

Since a year ago, boys often unconsciously make some movements, such as blinking, throat clearing, shrugging shoulders, etc.

At first, the parents were unconcerned about these small movements, and it was not until they recently took their child to the doctor that they were diagnosed with "Tourette's syndrome".

Tourette's syndrome is a neurodevelopmental disorder in which the muscles twitch involuntarily and, in severe cases, the mouth involuntarily overflows with curses. The cause of the boy's illness is also surprising.

According to the doctor's analysis, the child's illness is caused by too much pressure caused by the parents' frequent reprimands and excessive expectations for the child.

It turns out that the child has been silently under so much pressure when we don't know it.

These unexpressed pressures and emotions accumulate in the bottom of their hearts, making them unconsciously express them with their bodies. This phenomenon is also called somatization.

In fact, somatization is very common in adolescent children.

For example, children get dizzy and fever as soon as they go to school, and when they are scolded, they vomit, have diarrhea, and shiver unconsciously......

The pain of children's bodies is actually a reminder to parents that their hearts are tormented at this moment and need more care and attention from parents.

Satya, a family therapist, says, "Most of the children who have problems can find answers from their family of origin. ”

We can try to think about whether we have had very high expectations for our children, and when they are unable to achieve them, we will use inappropriate ways such as scolding and yelling to urge our children.

As everyone knows, verbal injuries are sometimes more serious than physical injuries.

Invisible "violence" pushes children farther and farther away

In the Taiwanese drama "Your Child Is Not Your Child", there is such a story.

Mom often gets angry at the glasses boy, and she will accuse her of doing the wrong questions: "Why are you wrong in six math questions? Are you really trying? Why are you so stupid!"

In the face of the child's poor report card, he will also scold: "Why are you so untalented, your father's colleagues are asking you how well you are preparing for the exam, I am embarrassed to say that my son may not be able to find a good school to study." ”

In his mother's beating and scolding, the glasses boy has a habit that he may not be aware of: when he is reprimanded, he will unconsciously hunch over and only dare to stare at the ground.

The tutor only helps him point out a very small flaw, and he will also react violently, arching his shoulders and bending his back into an arch, and the whole movement is done in one go.

The glasses boy's fear of his mother's words has even become a conditioned reflex action, and the bitterness in his heart is estimated to be even worse.

Parents love their children, but they often unconsciously beat their children's hearts over and over again with words, so that the children are devastated and do not know it.

There is a question on Zhihu: "Parents often ridicule and blame you, will it cause your children to be unconfident." ”

The answer to this question is all pity.

"Why do you want to belittle me again and again, now I even feel like home is a horrible place. ”

"I'm the same way, I always expect the affirmation of others, if things don't do well, I can't get out for a long time, I think it's really difficult and tiring. ”

Children should have moved forward with the love of their parents, but these invisible "violence" have made children's hearts extremely fragile and full of holes.

Such invisible "violence" puts the parent-child relationship in jeopardy, forming a vicious circle.

Children cannot feel the love of their parents, and they cannot feel that they are valued, so they can deny themselves and doubt themselves.

In the long run, the relationship between parents and children will only wear off little by little. Not only is the child unable to develop as expected by the parents, but it may even go the opposite of what is expected.

Only with warm communication can we enter the hearts of children

Psychology has a southerly law that tells us that warmth is better than cold.

The same is true in the parent-child relationship, where warm words can be blown into the child's heart and make the child feel respect, understanding, tolerance and love.

Meiling Chen, who sent her three children to Stanford University with a doctorate in education, is like that. He will always answer every question patiently and pay attention to every need of the child.

Once, she took her two sons home on a walk, and the eldest son kept clamoring for his mother to hug him. But at that time, she was still holding her second son who was tired of playing, and there was really no way to hold two.

Seeing that dinner time was almost approaching, her son pestered her to hug all the time.

Maybe some parents will reprimand their children: "You are the older brother, go by yourself." Or: "Mom is holding my brother, why are you so ignorant?"

But Chen Meiling did not reprimand the child, but said to him: "The baby is tired, and so is the mother." What should we do? Shall we take a little rest here?"

She took the child to rest on the bench for a while, and finally walked home with the child.

Instead of reprimanding the child, she said, making the child sobble on the side of the road, or letting him lose his temper and run around dangerously running out of the road. It's better to understand his feelings, take a break, and let him know that Mom understands me.

Psychologist Heim Guinault said, "When children feel understood, they feel less lonely and less hurtful. When children are understood, their love for their parents grows deeper. ”

Warm understanding and tolerance make children feel that their emotions can be accepted, and they are respected and loved. Warm communication also helps parents understand their children's needs and understand their children's feelings. Let parents get into the hearts of their children.

The way parents communicate with their children will also set an example for them to get along with others, so that children can learn to empathize with themselves and others.

In this way, it is easier for parents to ignite their children's motivation and tap into their energy, so that they can become full, strong, confident and strong inside.

In this way, children who grow up in love will have overflowing energy in their hearts, learn to love themselves and know how to love others.

Speak well and remember 8 words

I have heard a saying: "Many parents spend their lives wandering outside the door of their children's hearts, they do not find the key, but blame their children for being difficult to communicate." ”

Everything requires skill, and the same goes for talking well to your child. Parents can memorize the 8 keywords of Nonviolent Communication.

1. 观察：（Observing Without Evaluating）

When communicating with your child, observe and describe what we see with our eyes, hear with our ears, and touch with our bodies. Make things concrete without any judgment or speculation.

You can refer to the direction of the 5W (who\where?\when?\what?\why?).

For example, when a mother sees her son break a cup, she can say, "I saw you drop the cup on the ground and break." ”

Using observational language to describe the real situation you see to your child will minimize the child's negative emotions and cause conflicts, so that communication can go smoothly.

2. 感受：（Identifying and Expressing Feelings）

Allow yourself and your child to express your feelings.

For example, what is the correct way to do the case of the child breaking the cup?

First, show your concern and stay safe.

You can ask your child, "Are you okay if you don't have your hands?"

Next, soothe your child's emotions and express your child's feelings.

"The cup suddenly shattered, and you were startled. "Talk about your child's feelings. At the same time, he can also say how he feels: "Mom was also shocked. ”

Finally, when the child's mood is calm, come and educate the child.

When we express our understanding of ourselves and our children's feelings, we can also help children learn to understand their emotions, so as to form a positive and positive system for dealing with their emotions, which will benefit them for a lifetime.

3. 需求：（Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings）

Understand your own and your child's needs, and clearly express each other's "what they want" and "what they don't want".

In "Nonviolent Parent-Child Communication", there is such a story.

Lele spent more than 1,000 yuan of pocket money a month, and her mother was very angry, but she still chose to communicate with Lele gently.

Mom asked Lele if she would like to talk to herself about why she spent so much pocket money this month?

Lele told her mother what she thought. She felt that her sister could have whatever she wanted, and her mother spent a lot of money to accompany her sister to the early education class, but she didn't have her share in all this.

She believes that her mother is willing to spend money for her and make her feel cared for. She hoped that her mother would care for her as much as she cared for her sister.

It wasn't until this time that her mother really understood that all Lele longed for was that she and her sister could be treated equally, and what she needed was her own care and companionship. Mom hugged Lele tightly and expressed her understanding of her needs.

Adler's teleology of behavior holds that there are certain goals and needs behind actions.

The same is true for children's bad behaviors, understanding the needs behind children's behaviors can find ways to effectively guide children to solve problems.

4. 请求：（Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life）

Understand your child's feelings and needs, and finally say what you want your child to do?

Like what

"The cup is broken, you and your mother can clean it up with a broom. ”

"I don't like it when I see graffiti on the wall, because my mom likes the house to be clean and tidy. You can draw on paper. ”

Don't just tell your child what not to do, but tell him clearly what to do?

Preferably specific, actionable requests. The more clearly you want to respond, the more likely you are to get a better response from your child.

Child psychologist Adele Farber says, "Never underestimate the impact your words can have on a child's life. ”

Maybe parents have a lot of anxiety in their lives and have various expectations for their children, and sometimes, they can't help but be anxious.

But what we need to remember is that a large part of our love for children needs to be expressed in words. Only by speaking well can it be easier to enter the hearts of children and establish a good parent-child relationship.

He Lingfeng, a professor of psychology, said: "The first priority of parents is to maintain a good parent-child relationship, so that you can influence him, and if the parent-child relationship is broken, then you no longer have influence on him." ”

The respect and sense of security that a child receives from his parents' words will also give him the ability to get along with other people and better face the storms of the future.

May every child grow up in the language of love, move forward in encouragement, and have a happier life in warm and firm guidance. Encourage it.