I never thought I'd be in such a situation. As an ordinary working woman, my life has always been so regular: wake up at 7 a.m., get on the bus at 7:45 a.m., and enter the office at 8:30 a.m. to start a new day. I'm conscientious and passionate about my work, and I know I'm not the kind of person who stands out, but I'm definitely not one to settle for mediocrity.
There is such a male colleague in the company, Zhang Zhe, who is the technical pillar of the project team and can always come up with a solution to the problem at a critical moment. He does a great job and has a relaxing sense of humor, and the stress always disappears without notice. Over time, we went from being colleagues to trusting partners. Every time we faced a difficult problem in a project, we always got through it together, and whenever I was lost in my work, his words always guided me to find the way.
Gradually, I found myself inadvertently staring at Zhang Zhe for more than one look, the attentive look in his eyes when talking to others, the smile that swayed freely in between work, and even the somewhat off-the-beaten-path tie pin – I began to notice these details and unconsciously immersed myself in them. Even though I knew that we each had our own significant other, and that this relationship should not go beyond friendship, a delicate affection was growing in my heart that I had never mentioned to anyone.
I carefully guarded this secret, like carrying a hidden gem in my heart, afraid of being illuminated by any ray of light, for fear of being discovered. In trivial work communication, in every unintentional eye exchange, I dare not have any transcendent thoughts, but my inner feelings are quietly growing like vines.
I said to myself that it was just a by-product of our happy cooperation, just a trivial tinkling of the 9-to-5 working life. I kept reminding myself to be sensible, and I desperately told myself that these were just an extension of friendship, and that I was in control.
However, until that company's annual meeting, all the boundaries of self-comfort and sanity became fragile and vulnerable like red threads soaked in alcohol. Amid the flickering lights and the brisk music, I began to wonder if the secrets I thought were so deep had already passed through his senses.
The theme of the annual meeting is "Future Stars", which means that everyone can shine through this night. Colorful lights are intertwined with each other's laughter, alcohol wafts in the air with the melody of music, and every face hangs with the joy of release. And my mood was surprisingly nervous, I knew that Zhang Zhe would bring his girlfriend to attend tonight, and I had to admit that in such a party, the eyes I cared about the most belonged to him.
When I saw him push the door and walk into the banquet hall, I couldn't help but feel ripples in my heart. Beside him was a gentle woman, arm in arm, looking very compatible. I tried to restrain myself from paying too much attention to them, but I inadvertently caught his looking gaze until it met mine, and I saw a smile in the corner of his eye. My heart beat faster at that moment, but I still pretended to be calm and smiled softly back.
As the party progressed, I gradually relaxed, laughed and drank with other colleagues. Alcohol is a double-edged sword, it makes people loosen their inhibitions and they lose their minds. I don't know how many drinks I had, but I was already feeling a little dazed. And Zhang Zhe, who seemed to be very excited that night, toasted with me from time to time, and our eyes met more often than before.
After the climax of the night passed, the crowd began to disperse in an orderly manner, and I began to look for an exit opportunity. But at the door of the bathroom, I unexpectedly met Zhang Zhe, who was alone, and his girlfriend had already left because she had drunk too much. We exchanged a few brief words, but we both felt the unusual embarrassment and rapid heartbeat. After a series of bewilderments and hesitations, we wordlessly chose to walk to the back garden of the hotel.
With only sparse lights in the garden and some indescribable electric current in the air, we tried to maintain the conversation among ordinary colleagues, but the topic became more and more irrelevant, and the atmosphere became more and more subtle. In the end, in a turn that no one could have predicted, we crossed a red line that should not have been touched. Reason is overwhelmed by alcohol and emotion with lightning speed. That night, all the lines blurred.
Early in the morning, when the cold sun shone in, I woke up. The innocent colleague relationship that they once walked together has been torn out by this unspeakable night. The confusion in the trance is gradually replaced by guilt. We scrambled our clothes, barely daring to look each other in the eye. The embarrassment in this morning light has long been unable to be compensated for with any words.
After that day, we tried to resume our daily interactions within the company, but nothing came naturally. Our conversations became deliberately detached, each eye contact was pale avoidance, and other colleagues perhaps sensed the subtle changes between us. What was once a tacit understanding of everything turned into a burden of silence, and the self-blame in my heart became thicker and thicker as time went on.
As time went on, my emotions became more and more complicated. It seemed like an invisible spell that stuck in the depths of my psyche and lingered. Zhang Zhe also seems to feel this change, and our conversations with each other are becoming less and less, and even when we meet, we only exchange a few words on work topics in a hurry, and there is no ease in the past.
At home, I was deeply tormented by the silent observation and occasional concern of my other half. I knew that such a delicate mind would catch my anomaly, but I never had the courage to confess my mistakes that night, and I was afraid that it would destroy everything.
Unable to bear this situation, I began to use the excuse of working overtime to avoid communication with my other half, but I knew that this was just a way to escape the problem, not a solution. More and more often, I encounter people who are looking at me sideways, and the words of discussion always come to my ears unintentionally, and the atmosphere in the workplace gradually affects the efficiency of my cooperation with Zhang Zhe. Our otherwise invulnerable team is now covered in a thin layer of ice that shatters at the touch of a button.
That day, I sat down with my significant other for an in-depth conversation. I could clearly feel that when I confided the secrets of that night, the atmosphere between us froze instantly. Even though I saw the loss and anger in his eyes, I still felt like I had done the right thing. We have tried to mediate and understand, however, the rift has been carved in our relationship, and our emotions are like broken glass that cannot be perfectly repaired. A painful and helpless decision ensued – we chose to separate.
The conversation with Zhang Zhe was also difficult, but unexpectedly, we all seemed to be mentally prepared. After a frank exchange, we reached a consensus: to seal away that wrong emotion and stop letting it interfere with our life and work. In the days that followed, we were like tried and tested partners, and we learned to maintain respect and distance, and our relationship never crossed that line again.
As time passed, those days seemed to have become a heavy shadow in my life and a catalyst for my growth. I began to re-evaluate my life and found that my dedication and love for what I did was still there, and it gave me the motivation to move forward.
In the past, I might have been plagued by various emotions, but now, I have learned how to deal with inner turmoil and external pressures. I've found that life is still full of possibilities, and despite the mistakes I've made, that doesn't mean I can't have a fresh start. Today, I face each day bravely, maintaining my desire and vision for the future. I learned about responsibility and boundaries from that experience, and I learned more about how to love and how to be loved.
Along the way, I gained new friendships, rebuilt my broken self, and even tried to explore new relationships. I know that recovery doesn't happen overnight, but I'm willing to give myself time and space to heal and grow. I no longer let the shadow of the past kidnap my present and future, I choose to believe that despite the low points, one day, I can find my own path to happiness.