I am 58 years old, and I attended my eldest brother's funeral last weekend, and I came back to write a will to my children: give up treatment for a serious illness.
Once, when I was sick and hospitalized, my sister didn't come to visit me. She always made all kinds of excuses, saying that she was too busy to come to the hospital to see me.
After that, I gradually became estranged from my sister. Every time she asked me out to dinner or a movie, I always found all kinds of reasons to refuse.
It wasn't until one time when I became seriously ill and needed major surgery that it was my sister who risked her blood to donate blood for me that I realized that I couldn't be cold to my sister anymore.
"Sister, I'm sorry, I was wrong. I said to her sadly.
"Brother, you don't have to apologize, I've always been there, but you didn't find out. My sister patted my hand gently.
Since then, our relationship has gradually returned to the way it used to be. I understood that the relationship did not fade, but there was something wrong with my own heart.
Later, I was so busy at home that I barely had time to rest.
My health was also getting worse and worse, and the hospital report made me have to face the harsh reality. I realized that my condition may have reached the point of no return.
When I got home, I decided to write a will to my children. I don't want them to do any too much medical effort for me, and I don't want to be a burden to my family.
However, my children did not seem to understand my decision. When they heard that I was abandoning treatment, they all became silent and depressed.
"Dad, you can't give up on treatment! We will definitely accompany you through this difficult time, and we will not let you suffer the pain alone!" my daughter cried and begged me.
Their inner conflict and sense of self-reproach hurt my heart. I didn't want to be a burden to them, but they opposed my last wish in different ways.
In the midst of this family conflict, I was nervous. I understand their concern and love, but I also want to be able to leave this world quietly in my own way.
This conflicting family emotion made it impossible for me to make an easy decision.
I know that this decision will tug at the heartstrings of every member of the family. Continuing treatment may have given them a glimmer of hope, but for me, it was torment and pain.
I want to communicate with them well so that they understand my decision and hope that they will understand and accept it.
My relationship with my sister is back to the way it used to be, but the new conflicts at home make me anxious. My daughter, Xiaoyu, has been estranged from me since she was in college, and every time she goes home, she avoids me and doesn't talk to me.
One day, I overheard a conversation between my daughter and my wife at home.
Hearing this, I had mixed feelings in my heart. I realized that my coldness towards my daughter had hurt her, and that the resentment she had shown was also her own fault.
Today, I am 58 years old. Attending my eldest brother's funeral last weekend made me rethink the impermanence of life.
I hope they will understand my choice and pray for me.
"Sister, I really didn't mean to. I just feel like you have a lot of your own things to do, and I don't want to bother you.
"Brother, you are always like this, always carrying everything on your shoulders alone. I am your sister, and I should share your pain.
Our contradictions are not so easy to resolve. I found that for a long time, I thought that I was the breadwinner of the family, taking on the responsibility of taking care of my family, but I ignored the desire of my family to care for me.
But my sister's unhesitating blood donation and her words made me re-examine the relationship between my family. She is the closest person to me, and our relationship should be equal, not that I have always played the role of savior.