There are clever ways to raise boys, and mothers can raise boys to be self-reliant and responsible

introduction

I know a mother of two who has a lot of ideas about parenting, especially when it comes to relationships with children.

In the face of her daughter, she is always gentle and takes the route of cultivating a "little princess", but for her son, she is more inclined to teach him how to be bold and firm, and how to find freedom in the rules.

This differentiated approach to parenting occasionally attracts advice from other mothers around them who are worried that it will alienate their sons.

She always laughed it off in the face of these pieces of advice and always believed in her educational philosophy.

In her words, this "discrimination" is not based on preference, but on a deep understanding of gender traits and the needs of upbringing, especially when it comes to raising boys, and not treating him as if he were a girl.

There are some boys on campus and in society who lack masculinity, which proves to a certain extent that the mother of the second child is reasonable.

Psychologist Sigmund Freud came up with the concept of the "mother-love complex", which describes a boy's attachment to his mother early in his life.

It is true that it is natural for boys to be dependent on their mothers until the age of 6, but for boys, growing up is, after all, a process of continuous independence.

The mother of two told me that when she watched her son wave goodbye like a little adult every time he went out, although there was a trace of loneliness, but more of a relief and pride.

She is honest that the maturity and independence of her children are her greatest expectations. Along the way, she has become more convinced that for boys, maternal love should be in progress.

The subtlety of the mother-child relationship lies in "withdrawing" at the right time. It is this just right love that allows a boy to grow up in respect and independence, and grow into a true man in the future.

I deeply believe that some of the practices of this second-child mother are worth learning from as parents.

01 The proportions of maternal love: too much spoiling is easy to raise a boy with a weak personality

Love is undoubtedly the most beautiful gift a mother can give to her child, but the way of love is very particular and needs to be adjusted according to the child's personality and growth stage.

Like girls, boys' character formation also needs maternal love, but what they need more is maternal love under "rules and principles".

Unprincipled and doting maternal love will only make boys gradually lose their independence and tenacity, and even have traits that do not match their biological sex, which is undoubtedly not conducive to their future growth.

Meekness, dependence, and sensitivity traits may be a strength if placed on a girl, but if they are placed on a boy, they may become a disadvantage in the future social competition.

This is because, when challenges come, boys with these traits such as "meekness, dependence, sensitivity" may retreat because of a lack of independence and boldness, because they are Xi to dependence and cannot face life independently, and because they are easily frustrated because they are oversensitive.

Just like a friend of mine, she is almost obedient and arranged for her son to the end, which makes him overly intoxicated with his mother's care, forming an invisible chain of dependence psychologically. Under the influence of this strong dependency psychology, a half-grown boy is indecisive in doing things, and always subconsciously wants to seek his mother's consent or guidance when making decisions, rather than relying on his own judgment and decision-making.

Therefore, as mothers, we need to re-examine whether the love we give to our children is in good measure.

We want to make sure that this love is not only warm, but also powerful, and can guide boys to learn to think independently, face challenges bravely, and shape the tenacity and courage that truly belong to boys.

Only in this way can boys develop independence and self-reliance, and have a solid core in their future life journey, becoming their true selves.

02 The boundaries of mother-child relationships: a balance between intimacy and self-reliance

The growth of a boy is inseparable from maternal love, but it is also a process of gradual "separation" from his mother. They need to learn to protect themselves, learn to make their own decisions, etc., which is a necessary way for every boy to grow.

However, when this love evolves into the mother's excessive intimacy and protection of the boy, it may become an invisible shackle that hinders the boy's autonomy and self-reliance.

Boys must learn to be independent, whether it's dealing with everyday chores, academic challenges, or even social circles.

If moms are always overly involved, even if the starting point is for the child, it will inadvertently send a signal to the child: you can't succeed without the mom.

This signal can subtly affect the boy's self-confidence, so that when they encounter difficulties and challenges, they will not try to cope with them first, but instinctively seek external help. This invisibly weakens their ability to solve problems independently, and also affects their future foothold in society as independent individuals.

Self-reliance is an essential quality in boys. If there is an easy definition of "self-reliance", it is that self-reliance refers to the ability of an individual to live and work without relying on others.

If the mother interferes too much in the boy's independent decision-making, it may delay the boy's development of this quality.

In order to develop a boy's self-reliance, moms need to learn to let go when appropriate, allowing the boy to complete tasks independently, face challenges on his own, and learn from failures Xi.

This letting go does not mean that the mother ignores the boy's needs or refuses to help them when they need it, but rather that the boy knows that he has the ability and responsibility to face the ups and downs of life and the challenges of the unknown in the future.

Boys learn to grow through grinding and learn to be strong in challenges. This grinding and challenge in growing up is necessary and precious.

The mother's task is to provide the necessary "safety net" for the boy, but also to make this "safety net" loose enough so that the boy can fly comfortably and develop the necessary self-reliance for their future success.

03 The three "exits" of maternal love: to make way for the boy's growth and responsibility

For a boy to grow into a responsible man, he needs to go through independent challenges at different stages of his development.

In this process, the role of the mother needs to change, and in the three critical periods of the boy's growth, the mother needs to learn to "quit" in a timely manner.

These three "exits" are not for the mother to be the "hands-off shopkeeper", but to give the boys a certain space to grow, so that they can learn to face challenges independently.

First Exit: Let the boy learn to complete daily tasks independently

When boys start to learn to walk, their mother's task is to let go gradually so that they can learn to walk quickly.

When the boy begins to learn to eat, the mother's task is to gradually let go so that they will learn to eat quickly.

By extension, when boys are able to begin self-care, mothers should quit and let them start trying to learn to dress themselves, organize toys, complete household chores, and other daily tasks.

The mother's first withdrawal is to let the boy experience the satisfaction and self-efficacy of completing the task, and establish the basic ability of self-service.

Second Withdrawal: Encourage boys to learn to think independently and solve problems

When boys encounter challenges in schooling Xi and social activities, mothers should not immediately step in to provide solutions.

Instead, moms should encourage boys to learn to think for themselves, ask questions, and try to find solutions to problems.

The mother's second withdrawal is to develop the boy's decision-making and problem-solving skills, so that they can learn to face various challenges independently.

Third Exit: Respect the boy's personal space and choices

As boys reach adolescence and begin to form their own values and outlook on life, moms should be more of a listener than a guide.

The mother's third withdrawal means respecting the boy's personal space and choices, so that the boy has a happy growth space and the confidence to control his own life.

During these three exits, the role of the mother has changed substantially, from being a direct caregiver and rule-setter, to one of supporter and counselor.

Such a change is not only to promote the growth of children, but also to affirm the ability of children.

A mother's timely exit is a higher level of education – it requires more trust, patience, and educational wisdom for the child's growth.

Only in this way can we successfully help our children grow up to be men with sound personality and responsibility.

epilogue

A boy's growth is like making a cup of tea, what is needed is the mother's just right temperature, whether it is too hot or too cold.

With just the right amount of care, the boy can feel a sense of security from his mother, and at the same time have enough freedom to explore the world and deal with various challenges.

As boys grow older, our role as mothers is constantly changing.

The educational wisdom of a mother lies in not tying the boy tightly, but letting go at the right time.

Let go and let the boy grow into a man who can be independent and responsible.

Let's witness the boy's self-confidence and self-reliance, which is the most beautiful appearance of maternal love.