Imagine a scenario –
A woman experienced pregnancy in October, survived the pain of morning sickness, flatulence, edema, vaginal tears, stretch marks, and urine leakage, and gave birth to a baby;
Giving up a better job opportunity to devote myself to family and childcare, waking up to crying for countless nights, getting up to nurse and falling asleep......
But unfortunately, she didn't meet the right partner.
From pregnancy to childcare, her husband and she quarreled endlessly.
She is disappointed and broken down in conflict after conflict, and decides to end her crumbling marriage. She filed for divorce and lived separately with her baby.
"Kim Ji-young in '82"
One day when she was out at work, the man broke into the door with someone, snatched the child who had not woken up and was only wearing pajamas, overturned the grandmother and grandfather who chased him out, and drove away in a car.
After that day, she tried all means, calling the police, asking for help, suing, and searching, but to no avail.
She never saw her child again.
What happens with the disappearance of the child is the disorder of life, and the heart that repeatedly collapses and rebuilds.
This is not a fictional story, but a reality that happens all the time.
Her name is - Mother Purple Ribbon.
Source: Purple Ribbon Mothers Public Welfare Group
When her marriage relationship was not dissolved, the child was maliciously snatched and hidden by the other party;
She was granted access but was unable to exercise it effectively;
She won custody, but she couldn't find or pick up the child, and when the child reached the age of 8, the other party would even apply for a change of custody......
In October 2019, the Purple Ribbon Mothers Public Welfare Group was established, and in the past four years, they have supported each other, promoted legislation, and looked forward to protecting their rights through the law and allowing their children to return.
This fall, we met Julie, the founder of the Purple Ribbon Mothers Public Welfare Group. Through her contact, 7 purple ribbon mothers were interviewed.
They come from all over the country, ranging in age from 30 to 50, and are biomedical R&D workers, ophthalmologists, service managers, accountants, logistics specialists, nursery teachers, and former employees of public institutions.
Before the child was snatched and hidden, they never imagined that such a thing would befall them.
To understand their situation, we need to go back to the day when the child disappeared.
Click on the video "Purple Ribbon Mother" story
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*For privacy reasons, some names have been changed
Nightmares struck
Initially everything was calm.
Mom went out to work, grandpa went to the gate of the community to get the express, grandma pushed the stroller as usual, and took the 1-year-old and 7-month-old baby for a walk in the yard of the community.
Until the two black shadows hiding in the green belt rushed to the stroller, quickly grabbed the grandmother, and snatched the child. Leaving the overturned stroller and the screams of the old man in place.
Order is broken.
"What's the difference with a robber?"
After watching the community monitoring, Qin Wan (pseudonym) was so angry that she trembled.
She is the mother of the child in this incident, and from June 2021 to more than 2 years before the baby disappeared, she spent the entire pregnancy in her hometown in Lanzhou, raising the baby with her parents.
It was the baby's father and grandfather who snatched the child.
For this snatch, the man arranged for the child's grandmother to "lurk" in the homestay in the community about 5 days in advance, and then flew back to Beijing to work.
The night before the robbery, he flew to Lanzhou with the child's grandfather to meet.
After snatching the child, the man drove around the community to observe the situation, confirmed that Qinhuan was not nearby, took the baby and grandparents, and drove to Beijing.
This is already the second snatch. The first happened two months ago, when Qin Wan had made it clear to the man that she was unwilling to live with him again.
Video footage of the day Qin Huan's ex-husband snatched the child
Violent snatching after careful planning and calculation is not an isolated case in a case involving robbery and concealment.
"He installed a locator on my car in advance. 」
In March 2022, Gu Lin (pseudonym) went to the company to do business. The man observed her movements through the locator installed in advance.
After confirming that Gu Lin drove away, he picked the lock on the door of the tile house, rushed into the house, and snatched his daughter, who was only 4 years old at the time. The child's grandmother is too old to catch up with him.
It was very cold, the man was wearing a long down jacket, and when the child was snatched out of the door, he only had a white autumn coat and a pair of pink pants.
A month after the incident, Gu Lin learned about the existence of the locator. At that time, she drove to the repair shop, and it was the maintenance master who found something abnormal.
Regarding the installation time of the locator, the man provided two sets of explanations to the court and the police.
The court said that it was installed in early March, and the woman found it in April. told the police that it was installed in 2021, and it has been a year and a half.
The statute of limitations for prosecution under the Public Security Administration Punishment Law is 6 months. After six months, the case could no longer be prosecuted, and the police had to terminate the investigation.
Surveillance video of the day Gu Lin's child was snatched
Deception is also a common tactic.
During the separation, her ex-husband went to Xiaoxue's (pseudonym) house at noon one day, saying that he would take the children out to play for a while and send them back in the evening.
On the first night, the child did not return, and the next day, he did not return...... On the fourth day, I didn't answer the video and didn't reply to the message.
Xiaoxue returned to the house where they used to live together, and found that the man had changed the lock cylinder, and she couldn't open the door at all. I went to look for him in the man's store, and the store partner said that he didn't know where he was, and he hadn't seen him for several days.
called the man's family, and the child's grandmother hung up as soon as she heard Xiaoxue's voice, and no one answered after that.
"This is over, the child must have been deceived by him. 」
Xiaoxue contacted the man many times to no avail
Sister Tian is 51 years old and the oldest mother in the purple ribbon group.
She and the man remarried, and the man had two daughters before, but his family always wanted another boy.
In 2016, in order to have a child, Sister Tian quit her job and prepared for pregnancy at an advanced age. In December of the same year, she gave birth to a son by caesarean section. This is her second son.
Giving birth at the age of 45, coupled with the reluctance of the first child to get along with herself, Sister Tian put all her efforts into her youngest son, hoping to train him to be a self-reliant person.
She hadn't left her child for a day before she disappeared. And in the process of parenting, the father is absent.
"He was drunk eight out of 10 days. I accompanied my child to the hospital, and he took the staff on a trip. 」
Sister Tian accompanied the child to celebrate her birthday
On the day the child disappeared, the only light snow of 2022 fell in Qinhuangdao.
She has always believed that the divorce of her parents has nothing to do with her children, and she cannot hinder family contact, and she can pick up and play and make phone calls if she wants. So when the man asked people to pick him up, she didn't stop him.
The child left in the morning, and told Sister Tian to come back early in the evening to practice, because there was an online concert the next day.
Before going out, the child asked Sister Tian:
Mom, can I build a snowman today? Sister Tian said yes, and took a pair of gloves for him to put on.
"They said they would send me back sooner, but since then, they haven't sent it back. 」
A long search
Call the police, this is the first reaction of mothers after the incident.
In June last year, Ban Tong (pseudonym) picked up his son from the man's house and wanted to spend the Dragon Boat Festival with his mother and son.
When I came home after shopping, I found that the man used the key to block the keyhole and squatted downstairs.
Even if the child hugged his mother's neck and said, "I want to play with my mother", the man still had no scruples, knocked down Ban Tong, and snatched the child.
On the same day, she called the police. The reply was:
"You haven't divorced yet, it's a family affair between husband and wife. 」
On New Year's Day this year, she called the police again, and at that time she was already in the stage of divorce proceedings, but the police were still unable to provide assistance because they did not have the power to interfere with the administration of justice.
I asked the Women's Federation for help, and the reply was much the same.
In most cases of robbery and concealment, the jurisdiction of the police station and the Women's Federation is limited. Almost all of them can only stay at contacting the man, verbally mediating, obtaining monitoring, and informing the man's whereabouts after the snatching.
Next, the mother can only face the long road of finding a daughter and a child by herself.
On the day of the robbery, the man violently broke the door lock of Ban Tong's residence
Ah Li (pseudonym) is a native of Jiangxi, and she and her ex-husband both worked in Shenzhen at first.
After the year, she took the child back to her parents' house, and the man came to make trouble, and finally the two discussed going back to Shenzhen together and waiting for the court to open the first trial.
On the second day after returning to Shenzhen, while Ah Li went out to look for a rental house, the man secretly took his daughter away and hid in his hometown of Guigang, Guangxi.
In the days that followed, she traveled to Shenzhen and Guangxi looking for a daughter.
On two occasions, she and her daughter were close at hand.
The day after the robbery, she went to the man's place of residence to look for the child, ran to all the kindergartens in the town to inquire one by one, and learned where her daughter went to school.
But the man asked the teacher not to let anyone look at the child, even if Ah Li showed his marriage certificate and ID card to prove his relationship with the man and prove that he was the child's mother, he still couldn't.
The teacher called the man to explain the situation, but the other party picked up the child from the window.
Worried that Ah Li would be emotional and afraid that something would happen to her, the teacher contacted the man and asked him to be at home.
I went to his house to look for someone, but I didn't find it. When the child's grandmother came back, she saw Ah Li sitting at the door and called the police to say that she was making trouble.
At the police station, she saw the child. But when he left the police station and went to the man's house, the child was hidden again.
A grain looking for a part of the child's round-trip ticket
The second time was after the trial, and the judge won a chance to see the child.
She took her daughter to the town to buy clothes and toys, and found that the child had been scratching her private parts.
I took it for a check-up and found that my daughter had vulvitis.
I didn't wear underwear, and my groin and vulva had the hair that had been removed from my pants, which was very dirty.
"The child told me that Daddy touched her. Asking Dad where she touched her, she pointed to her private parts. 」
Ah Li called the police with a video of the doctor's conversation with his daughter, but the police station's reply was:
There is no substantial evidence, and what the child says is not credible, and if she reports a false alarm, she will be held responsible.
The matter is not settled.
As soon as he left the police station, the man forcibly drove away with the child.
Ah Li never saw her daughter again.
In the Mid-Autumn Festival this year, she went to the door again to look for her, and was violently beaten by the man and the man's father, causing multiple skin contusions and soft tissue contusions, a large handful of hair was scratched off, and her neck could not move.
Recorded at the police station, from morning to night. The final result was: the man was not punished on the grounds that Ah Li also started to arrest people. Even if it could be self-defense.
The man's father was detained for 5 days, and the compensation was sued separately.
Ah Li had asked to see the full surveillance to confirm whether the injury on the man's neck was caused by her. The reply was: No access.
"Now I can't look for it myself during the day, I'm afraid of being beaten. 」
Medical certificate after Ah Li was beaten
Eviction and beating, this is the common dilemma faced by the mother of the purple ribbon in the process of searching.
In addition, there is the man who constantly evades, diverts the child, and sows discord.
Jia Yuan (pseudonym) was robbed and hidden by his father when he was in the second grade of elementary school.
She originally lived in Panjin, but in order to prevent Jiayuan's mother from looking for it, the man staged a "spy war" transfer.
first let Jiayuan study in a boarding school in Shenyang for half a year, then transferred to a primary school in Beijing, then transferred back to Shenyang, and then transferred to a small county town in the man's girlfriend's hometown.
It wasn't until junior high school that Jia Yuan returned to Panjin.
When the monitoring is the strictest, the man will also search Jiayuan's luggage to see if there is a note with an unknown number written on her body, and whether she has secretly left her mother's phone number.
even changed her name once to avoid Jiayuan's mother's search.
"He said my mother was a big bad guy who ran away with wild men, and when he found me, he was going to sell me to the mountain village. 」
Once, Jiayuan and her mother were only separated by a wall. But she didn't dare to see her mother and kept crying.
"I was too young at the time, and what my dad said would make me think of my mom as a bad person. 」
A photo of Jiayuan and her mother
Money is also a big problem to support the long search process.
When Jiayuan was hidden, people still commonly used button mobile phones, and communication and information collection were not as convenient as they are now.
Jiayuan's mother has asked private detectives for help to find it several times, and she spends tens of thousands of dollars at a time. But if you find it, it often doesn't help.
In 7 years, she spent almost all of her savings.
In order to facilitate the lawsuit and find children, Qin Huan, Ah Li, and Xiaoxue all chose jobs with more flexible working hours and more convenient leave.
Of course, this also means a reduction in salaries.
After the child was controlled by the man at home, Ban Tong went to rent a house near the man's house, 5,600 per month, and has lived for nearly 8 months now, and the lawyer's fee is also a lot of expenses.
Why do you have to keep looking for it so hard?
That's the child's father, and no matter how much he lives with him, it's not much worse.
More than one mother has heard similar questions and advice.
"But I have raised my children since they were young, and no one has ever thought that I am also a mother of children. 」
If the man fully and responsibly participated in housework and childcare in his previous family life, he can also give the child a better living environment from the perspective of economic strength.
For the sake of the child's physical and mental health, in order for the child to have a peaceful life, no mother will be so persistent.
It's a pity that if the other party did it, this marriage would not have gotten into such trouble.
Toys that Ban Tong bought for his children
On the day his son was snatched away, in order to prevent Ban Tong from continuing to be beaten, the 4-year-old child held the man's face and said: Dad, listen to me.
Then he turned his head to look at Ban Tong: Mom, I'll go back with my dad for one night.
"He knew that if I didn't go with my father, my father would continue to beat my mother, and he was protecting me. 」
In the middle of last year, under the man's guardianship, she and her son met at a shopping mall near the man's house.
The son whispered to her:
Mom, when will I go home with you? If I don't go home with you, I'm going to grow up.
Ban Tong never forgot what someone said to her when she asked for help at the police station and the Women's Federation:
- He snatched the child, so why didn't you snatch it back at that time?
-You have to resist not seeing the child, not looking for the child, forming the fact that you can't see the child at all, and we can help find ......
At that time, she didn't understand why she couldn't solve it in a civilized way, and later she realized that they were "not rough in their words".
"But how can I bear not to see or look for it?"
Deception, concealment and violence
"Three months after the birth of my child, my ex-husband told me that he had been diagnosed with AIDS. 」
Xiaoxue and her ex-husband met through a friend's introduction in 2014, and they split up several times in the middle. Later, when they reached marriageable age, neither of them could find a home before they considered getting married.
During the cohabitation after the banquet, Xiaoxue became pregnant. During pregnancy, the two did not have sex and direct blood contact, and after the baby was born, she took the child to sleep in a separate room with her ex-husband.
She did not take a marriage test before receiving the license because she had no doubts about the man's health at that time.
When she learned that the other party was living with HIV, her first reaction was very surprised and scared at the same time. I immediately went to the CDC and Children's Hospital, and tested myself and my child several times at different times to make sure that I was okay.
Later, in court, Xiaoxue finally knew the real time of the other party's diagnosis, when she was just more than a month pregnant.
At first, I did not get divorced because after carefully learning about HIV, I knew that the transmission path of HIV is limited, I can still live a normal life with good prevention, and the viral load can be controlled at a very low level through medical intervention.
"Plus I think that the child is still young, at least there is a complete home to live first. 」
Xiaoxue celebrates the child's birthday
Her last remaining line of defense was shattered in the spring of 2021.
The ex-husband went to the hospital for a test, saying that it was a re-examination of the prostate. But Xiaoxue saw the syphilis test sheet on the other party's mobile phone, which read: positive.
Trust has completely collapsed.
From that day on, Xiaoxue was trembling every day at home. She would re-wash the dishes that the man had washed, and she did not dare to share the washing machine, so she and the children's clothes were all washed by hand.
Nervous to the point of collapse, she chose to take the child back to her parents' home.
And the history of infectious diseases is only part of what he is hiding.
After getting married, Xiaoxue was almost alone in the family's daily expenses, including the cost of prenatal checkups, and the man opened a store in partnership with someone outside, never telling her how much he earned.
The 130,000 bride price given at the time of marriage, the man also used different excuses, such as arrears, entrepreneurial funds, banquet expenses, store rent, etc., to get back about 110,000 yuan.
On Labor Day 2022, the man went to Xiaoxue's house and said that he would take the child out to play for two days, Xiaoxue felt that she couldn't be too selfish and didn't let her father see the child, so she agreed.
After the holiday, she completely lost contact with the man and the child.
Xiaoxue's children's clothes and toys
"We were separated, and then he came back to me, and I felt that he had changed, and we lived together again. 」
Ah Li and the man met when they were working in the Shenzhen factory, she was the warehouse manager, and the man was a material clerk.
In 2012, I received a marriage certificate, but there was no wedding or bride price.
After marriage, the man had an ambiguous affair with another girl and was found three times. At one point, the argument was so intense that he clenched his fist and struck him on the head four times.
Ah Li said that maybe the man himself has no feelings for her, and it is his own wishful thinking.
In 2014, the two divorced by agreement.
3 years later, I saw that the man's behavior had changed a lot, and Ah Li wanted to have a child at that time, and the man was also willing to have a child. However, there is a problem with the fallopian tubes, which is primary infertility, and the man has a slight weak sperm.
If you want to conceive successfully, you need to do IVF, so the two remarried.
It is the norm to get up early and be greedy for darkness during the test-tube period
"It was smooth, but it was also hard. During that time, I don't even know how I survived. 」
The hospital and the place of work are far apart.
Ah Li gets up at 6 o'clock in the morning to ask for leave, and then travels 2 hours to the hospital for examination and egg retrieval. When everything was over, I went back to work, and often worked overtime until 21 or 22 o'clock at night.
After 3 months, the embryo transfer is completed. She was still working during the first trimester, but later showed signs of miscarriage.
In order to save the baby, she resigned.
Part of the living expenses during pregnancy are borne by the man, and Ah Li also raised his housing provident fund to subsidize the family.
She does housework, buys groceries, cooks food and waits for the man to eat after work, and endures the reaction of pregnancy alone.
After the child was born, the pressure of parenting was all on her, and the man did not help Ah Li, and often quarreled with her.
"At that time, I thought that as long as he was still paying living expenses, so that the child could have a complete home, he would just endure it. 」
Until 2022, the man has no regular job, is obsessed with the Macau Mark Six lottery, and the more he buys, the bigger he gets.
In June last year, because of gambling, Ah Li sued for divorce.
At that time, the man knelt down and begged her not to divorce, promised her anything, and signed a guarantee drawn up by the lawyer, promising not to gamble again.
But on December 29, Ah Li found out that he was still gambling. The relationship between the two fell to a freezing point, and 3 months later, the child was snatched away by the man.
The guarantee certificate, the family register, and even the child's belongings were taken away.
The stroller used by Ah Li's daughter
"Everything he showed before marriage was fine, and later I realized that it was all disguise. 」
Ban Tong and the man both had a marriage, and the two met on a blind date on the Internet. Because he is from Heilongjiang, Ban Tong subconsciously has extra trust in him.
Before getting married, in the man's mouth, he himself worked in corporate consulting services. The younger brother was depressed, but he never gave up helping his brother and found him a job to support him.
Custody of his daughter was given to his ex-wife, but he missed his daughter a lot.
"What he said made me think he was very caring and responsible. 」
But it wasn't until the two became more and more familiar and formed a family that Ban Tong slowly saw the truth:
The company he works for is a relatively formal debt collection agency, and his younger brother suffers from schizophrenia.
During confinement and maternity leave, he said that he was responsible for taking care of the child at night, but he never woke up. Ban Tong and the child's grandmother are taking care of it.
In September 2019, the man lost his job and never went out to work again. When he came home from work, the picture Ban Tong saw was often him lying on the bed scrolling on his mobile phone, and the child watching cartoons next to him.
"I lied to myself at the time, saying that he might have been spending time with the kids during the day, and that he could play with his mobile phone for a while when he was tired. 」
The collapse was during the epidemic, and Ban Tong and the child lived with the man's parents and younger brother.
One night, when my son was brushing his teeth, he said: Dad, one day my uncle took XX's hand and put it in his crotch.
When Ban Tong heard it, he immediately rushed into the bathroom and asked: Then what?
"Then XX hid to the side. 」
"XX" is a little girl from the neighbor's family, about the same age as Ban Tong's son. Ban Tong asked the grandmother sleeping in the living room if she knew, and the other party yelled: What's wrong?
"I felt hurt, I felt hurt not only by my children, but also by the little girl. 」
And when she and the man proposed that they couldn't continue to live here with their children after something like this happened. The man's answer was:
Normal people have physical needs, let alone mental patients.
Ban Tong celebrates the child's birthday
Shixin (pseudonym) and the man's marriage lasted for 7 years, they are both from Baoding, and they met through relatives. When I first came into contact, I felt that people were okay and could continue to talk.
Although I heard some voices saying that he didn't have much contact with the outside world. But Shixin felt at the time: I'm not with him anymore, who wants such a person in the future?
"Now that I think about it, it's a bit of a sympathetic attack. 」
In a long-distance situation, after a year and a half of falling in love, the two got married.
It was okay at first, but the man was more thoughtful. Shixin got up early to catch the train on a business trip, and the man would take her to the station. During the confinement period, I also took on the responsibilities of being a husband.
But as time went on, things started to go wrong.
The man's family originally opened a private enterprise in Beijing, but later the business was sluggish, and they still felt that Shixin's family conditions were not suitable for them.
Subtly, the man began to verbally belittle Shixin.
Even though he doesn't have a regular job, Shixin is an ophthalmologist at a major hospital.
Shi Xin and her children play in the park
There are also problems with the division of labour in the family.
The work in the hospital is very busy, and I have to do scientific research when I go home. But the man didn't seem to be able to understand Shixin's pressure.
"As soon as it was 5 p.m., he asked me to go home immediately, and when I got home and turned on the computer, he unplugged the power cord. This happens all the time. 」
The man was also very persistent about breastfeeding, and did not allow Shixin to be weaned until the child was 3 years old.
If the child falls, is sick, or registers for a training class, no matter how big or small, he has to call Shixin...... He does not seem to be able to deal with the child's emergencies on his own.
Once the baby was sick, Shixin held the child and asked the man to go to the cashier to pay. But in the end, even if it was a small amount of medical expenses, the man asked her to pay for it.
At that moment, it was a complete chill, and it would only get worse and worse if I endured it any longer.
"I don't understand, this is the situation after marriage, why did you marry me in the first place?"
Custody battles
No one wants to go to litigation unless they are forced to do so.
"At first, it was a divorce by agreement, the house belonged to him, and the children belonged to me. 」
After walking out of the Civil Affairs Bureau, Gu Lin's ex-husband suddenly repented, and the more he thought about it, the more unwilling he became, invalidated the reservation number, and snatched the child away soon after.
The first divorce lawsuit was filed by Gu Lin, and the man said in court, "I don't agree to divorce for the time being".
Later, Gu Lin understood what this "temporary" meant.
After walking out of the court, the man held the shield of "husband and wife relationship, family dispute" and carried out a series of retaliatory acts-
Stalking, harassing, door-to-door intimidation, asking Gu Lin's boss to fire her, and forcibly "negotiating" with Gu Lin:
If you get divorced now, you'll never see your daughter again.
7 years ago, a friend who introduced his ex-husband to Gu Lin once described him as an "honest man" with no bad habits.
When he went to the Civil Affairs Bureau for divorce mediation for the first time, he also wrote a "confession".
The man's letter of commitment to Gu Lin
In August 2022, Gu Lin applied for a personal safety protection order for herself for a period of 3 months. The other party stopped and filed a divorce lawsuit with the court.
When submitting evidence in the first instance, Gu Lin made a list for the child. From the time the child was born to the time the child was snatched away, the total amount of expenses she spent on the child accounted for nearly 90% of the parenting process.
During the more than two years of breastfeeding, she took six months of maternity leave, and after the leave, she took leave to go home at noon every day to breastfeed, and never took a nap.
Brushing TikTok is afraid of noisy children, so she has always been muted, and this Xi has not changed now.
Except for work hours, Gu Lin spends the rest of her time taking care of the children and recording their growth.
She also learned to make clothes for her daughter, small cheongsam, pajamas, T-shirts, and many of her daughter's daily clothes came from her hands.
Gu Lin made a mother-daughter outfit for herself and her baby
And the man's way of watching the child is to let his daughter go to her grandparents, and he plays with his mobile phone, plays games, and watches videos by himself.
When she first started the lawsuit, Gu Lin comforted herself:
"In his marriage, he spends very little time with his children, so he may be able to take this opportunity to make up for some of his love for them. 」
But this is not the case, and from March last year to March this year, when the first-instance verdict came out, the daughter was not sent to school. It wasn't until the judge intervened that the man was sent for 3 months.
In May, Gu Lin once got her daughter's physical examination form through a kindergarten teacher, and 12 of her 19 teeth were decayed.
Before being snatched away, her daughter only had two or three bad teeth, and Gu Lin had already taken her to repair them at that time.
"I hate it, why did I raise my child like this?"
On June 9, the man hid the child again, and on June 20, the final judgment was made, and the custody belonged to Gu Lin.
Gu Lin and her daughter
But not everyone is able to get custody in a judgment, even if there is sufficient evidence.
Ban Tong lost custody.
The first trial was given to the man on the basis of the child's life trajectory for nearly a year.
So before the second trial, Ban Tong sorted out the child's life trajectory from birth to June 22.
Of the 4 years and 8 months, 3 years and 6 months were spent with Ban Tong, and the remaining 1 year and 2 months were spent in the man's mother's house. But Ban Tong was also with the child at that time until he was expelled.
At the same time, there is also evidence that the husband hid the child, and the child's consumption records from birth to the divorce proceedings, Ban Tong added supplies for the child, paid the tuition fee of the interest class, etc.
The economic conditions and income certificates of both parties have also been verified in the family investigation, and Ban Tong's economic conditions are significantly better than those of the man.
But still lost.
Because the family investigation found that the child's living situation on the man's side was more stable, the man taught the child to be attentive, and the boy's life with the father was more convenient.
But the so-called educational intentions are actually a child in the middle class of a kindergarten, and the time of the day is strictly divided -
15 minutes for literacy, 15 minutes for arithmetic, 15 minutes for memorizing poems......
Ban Tong took the timetable to a professional child psychopedagogue for analysis, and the feedback from the other party was:
This is not a very good thing for children, and it may lead to a certain degree of obsessive-compulsive disorder in the future.
Ban Tong contacted the man to no avail
There are also people who can't wait for a court session.
Sister Tian filed for divorce on November 19 last year, and as of the end of August this year, the first instance has not yet been heard.
During this period, she applied for marital guardianship, family education promotion orders, children's personal safety protection orders, etc., but the lawsuit was withdrawn and dismissed.
Why did the other party violently snatch the child, but finally sentenced him?
In fact, the legal provisions to protect the rights and interests of purple ribbon mothers are not yet clear.
On June 1, 2021, the Law on the Protection of Minors was amended, one of which reads:
When a minor's parents divorce, matters such as the minor child's upbringing, education, visitation, and property shall be properly handled.
Custody must not be obtained by snatching or hiding minor children.
"There should be only one law that can clearly reflect the snatching and hiding of children. 」
Xu Wenli is a lawyer for the Purple Ribbon Mother's Public Interest Group, and has been concerned about marriage cases involving robbery and hiding for nearly 10 years.
"But this is only a principled law, and there is no specific punishment mechanism and effective measures. It can be used, but it is difficult to implement it through sanctions. 」
Article 24 of the Law on the Protection of Minors
From 2012 to 2013, Xu Lu took over the first marriage case involving robbery and hiding.
The child's mother and ex-husband divorce through court mediation, custody is given to the mother, and the man has visitation rights. A year after the divorce, the man took someone to the woman's house and snatched the child.
During the search, the man threatened her with a knife and did not allow her to take the child.
At that time, Xu Lu accompanied her to the police station and the local court many times, but the case was not filed. The court where the man was located had provided two records from the man's sister and the village committee, both of which said that they had not seen him, and that the redress had been cut off.
"I was very uncomfortable at the time because I was also a mother and I knew the law, but I was so helpless that I couldn't help her. 」
After 6 years, the mother saw the child again, and it was in court. When the son reaches the age of 12, the man applies for a change of custody.
At the beginning of the trial, Xu Lu's team wrote a reply, thinking that the man illegally snatched the child and that the law should not protect this behavior. Mom insisted on reading it out herself, crying as she read it:
"I just can't figure out why the law protects people who break the law?"
But it didn't work, at the age of 12, the child's subjective will could directly determine the verdict, and he made it clear that he wanted to live with his father.
Even if the choice was "implanted" during these 6 years.
Among the anti-domestic violence cases released by the Supreme People's Court
Violence in looting and hiding has been mentioned
In terms of the agency idea of fighting for custody, Xu Lu's team usually tells the parties:
Write first what is beneficial to us to raise children, and then write what is not conducive to raising children on the other side, without blame, just an objective reflection.
Follow the principle of focusing on the physical and mental health of children.
In the Civil Code, the explanation of the child custody judgment is:
Under the age of 2, the principle of direct support by the mother is the principle;
Before the age of 2 to 8 years old, if the two parties fail to reach an agreement, the principle of the best interests of the minor children shall be followed.
But there are also big loopholes in it.
The principle that is most beneficial to minor children is not the basic principle of marriage and family cases, but is only written in the custody section.
Also, what is the best way to benefit the minor children?
There are no standards, no rules.
There is a lot of room for discretion among judges, but judges of different genders, ages, experiences, and backgrounds have different perceptions.
There will also be courts that consider the difficulty of enforcing custody at a later stage, which will affect the final result.
"This discretion is an inner affirmation, and this affirmation must be right? It must be biased. 」
Xu Lu believes that if there are no detailed rules and supplementary provisions for the definition of "best interests of minor children", it will not only increase the judge's personal responsibility, but also be unfair to children.
Every year, during the revision of the Law on the Protection of Women's Rights and Interests, Xu Lu and the Purple Ribbon Mothers Public Welfare Group will actively propose:
It is hoped that a clause will be added that "the party who snatches or hides the minor child shall not fight for custody". Solve the root cause of the problems of the Purple Ribbon mother in fighting for custody.
And to get this short sentence into the law, it is destined to go through a long process.
Endless waiting
Nearly 5 months have passed since the final verdict, and Gu Lin still can't find her daughter.
Getting custody was a fleeting victory for her, and a more difficult hurdle was in place to enforce it.
"At that time, there was still some hope that the man would be taken away by whoever was awarded the award, as promised before the lawsuit. 」
After the verdict, the phone calls were not answered, the text messages were not returned, and the man lost contact.
Gu Lin took the judgment to the case filing court to apply for enforcement, and the initial feedback was that custody could not be enforced, and she could not directly help snatch the child.
Gu Lin explained that it was not compulsory for the child, but to ask the man to return custody. The case was still not filed on the grounds that the verdict did not indicate that the husband should hand over the child before the date of the month, and it was recommended to report to the police.
She followed the advice and found the police. The reply was: you have already obtained the judgment, the court has its own executive board, and they should be responsible for enforcing it.
She could only return to the case filing court and urge and react through various official channels. Finally, it was established, and it took nearly a month of internal review to determine whether the case fell within the scope of this court's enforcement.
For the next three months, Gu Lin had to call almost every week to inquire about progress, or go to the executive board to stay. She waited for 4 summons to be posted to the man, but the man did not show up to fulfill his obligations.
"At that time, it was not 5 days a week, it was 7 x 24 hours, and it was too difficult. 」
After the first summons was issued, and the man did not show up for half a month, she once encountered the big execution of the local court.
Gu Lin was very excited at the time, thinking that several bailiffs and judges would come to the door to look for it, and they would definitely see the child.
She contacted her sister and said that the two of them went together that day, and the bailiff opened the door to detain him, and we took the child out.
On the day of the execution, they waited at the gate of the community from 6 o'clock in the morning to 8 o'clock for the judge and seven or eight bailiffs, knocked on the door, but the man did not open it, continued to knock, and still did not open.
After posting the summons, he left.
"My sister and I were really disappointed that the child and he were in there, but we couldn't do anything about it. 」
On October 18, the man was finally detained. The deadline was 15 days, and when he and his boss took leave, they did not explain the real reason.
When Gu Lin's ex-husband was detained
The real reason for the leave was not explained to the boss
Xu Lu took over a case in 2020 and executed it for two years, but he couldn't get the child back by all means.
At first, it was to restrict high consumption and join the list of dishonest people for the hiding party, but it had no effect. In the second step, the judge issued a fine and fined 50,000 yuan, which was still useless.
The police returned the crime of refusing to execute, saying that it did not reach serious circumstances and did not constitute a crime.
Xu Lu and the parties again argued: Wouldn't refusing to enforce the law constitute the crime of refusing to execute? In the end, the court decided to detain him first.
However, due to the epidemic at that time, it was difficult to implement the detention, and it was delayed until the child reached the age of 8, and the other party sued to change the custody rights.
When it comes to off-site execution, the situation is even tougher and more complicated.
One of Xu Lu's current clients, A, is in the stage of enforcing visitation rights.
She filed for divorce for the first time in November 2019 and was sentenced to never leave. After the first trial, the man took the child back to his hometown.
In 2020, he sued for divorce again, divorced in the first instance, and the custody was given to the man.
In the second instance in 2021, considering that the child has been living with the man for 2 years, and A's follow-up will involve difficulties in the enforcement of custody, the judgment was not fortunately changed.
But A won the right to visit, and watched the video once a week and once every two months.
Due to the epidemic in the middle of the way, it was difficult for her to meet her children offline, during which the man occasionally posted a few videos, but she has not been able to successfully connect with her children.
A applied for enforcement last year. The man was contacted through the enforcement judge, and the man said: You can just come and see, and I won't let you see it.
"Last year's National Day, she called me crying in a county town in Shanxi. 」
On October 3, 2022, Xu Lu remembers it very clearly. At that time, A ran more than 1,000 kilometers on the green train, and because she was afraid of arguing with the man, she specially did not bring her family.
Less than 1 hour after seeing the child, the man took the person away. I wanted to eat with my children and take a photo, but I didn't succeed.
After returning, A went to the court again to enforce the visit, and after the enforcement court, the mediator, and the lawyer held multiple meetings and discussions, and mediated many times, the man's attitude slowly eased.
During this year's Spring Festival, the mother finally met her child smoothly.
Legal Daily once published an article to report
The problem of snatching and hiding children after divorce
Because the child has been confined to the house, he has not been able to go to school, socialize, and have not been vaccinated on time. Gu Lin had tried to apply for a personal safety protection order for the child.
4 submissions, all of which were rejected. The reason is that the evidence is insufficient.
"How do I explain the real danger she might face? It's like asking you to show evidence that you're who you are. 」
In the process of applying for enforcement, she was also slandered and rumored many times, and the man has always claimed that the enforcement judge promoted the enforcement because of the unseemly intimate relationship between Gu Lin and him.
However, a child's personal safety protection order is not completely inaccessible.
In the anti-domestic violence regulations issued by Hebei, Henan and Jiangsu provinces, it is clearly stipulated that personal safety protection order measures include "prohibiting the respondent from snatching and hiding minor children".
Shixin learned in May 2023 that Hebei would begin to implement the above law in January 2023.
After the second trial, she returned to the court of first instance to apply with the personal safety protection regulations of the Hebei High People's Court, and the evidence that the other party had been snatching and hiding the child.
"At the beginning, I also encountered some difficulties, such as not being able to contact the man. 」
Shixin contacted Guo Lu, who represented him in the case, who, like Xu Lu, is a lawyer for the Purple Ribbon Mother's Public Interest Group.
"If the husband cannot be found, it will not affect the issuance of the personal safety protection order. 」
The Supreme Court stipulates that the court can ask the respondent through simple means such as online litigation platforms, phone calls, text messages, instant messengers, emails, etc. The failure of the respondent to express an opinion does not affect the people's court's issuance of a personal protection order in accordance with law.
On July 11, Shixin received the child's personal safety protection order at the same time, and the second-instance judgment - custody belongs to her.
This is also the first case in which a personal safety protection order was issued to a child on the grounds of snatching and hiding a child.
Purple Ribbon Mothers Public Welfare Group
"Personal Safety Protection Order Strategy"
Whether or not the child can be successfully recovered and the child's safety can be guaranteed during the enforcement phase depends largely on whether or not the responsible judge can be met.
"You have to have enough patience to persuade, educate, and guide, this way of execution is softer, but at the same time it is also very testing. 」
Xu Lu said that the "Civil Enforcement Law" was released for public comment when the draft was drafted last year, and it is expected to be reviewed in December this year. Several of these are in favor of custody enforcement.
Article 193 of the Draft Provisional Enforcement Law stipulates that if the person subject to enforcement fails to perform within the time limit, he shall be fined or detained on a daily basis. If the detention period is not fulfilled at the end of the detention period, the detention may be repeated for a cumulative period of up to six months. The maximum fine is 180 times, with a maximum of 100,000 per day.
Article 194 stipulates that if it is determined on the basis of enforcement that a minor child is to be raised by one party, and the other party or another person refuses to hand it over, the people's court may hand over the child to the guardian in addition to the method provided for in the preceding article, but if the person over the age of eight clearly expresses objection, he shall not do so.
Article 195 stipulates that if the person being visited refuses to accept the visit, the people's court may notify the relevant organization to assist in psychological counseling.
"There may be changes to the articles after the review, but the presence of these contents at least indicates that the problem is seen by the legislator. 」
Before the law is passed and implemented, the mother of the purple ribbon can only continue to defend her rights and run, hoping to get back good news.
faltering
"When I was walking by the river, I remembered the picture of playing here with my children, and I felt that I couldn't hold it anymore, and I wanted to jump off for a hundred years. 」
In the first two months of the child's snatching, Shixin had insomnia all night long. After falling asleep, I always cycle the same dream: the child has returned, but she can't touch or hold him.
When I woke up, my house was still empty, and I don't know how many times I cried.
She is a doctor and is also trying to keep herself sane, crying and going into the pharmacy to buy sleep aids.
At first, it was effective, but soon it returned to a not very good state. It can also be a distraction when you go to work, and being alone after work is the hardest.
"The moment I walked out of the flat, tears began to flow. 」
On October 1, 2022, she almost jumped into the river.
That day, she called her family, sent her bank card password, and walked to the riverside where she and her children used to play.
At that time, there were a few people fishing by the river, and Shi Xin kept waiting, wanting to wait for them to leave, so he jumped down himself. As a result, they didn't leave until 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning, and Shixin's thoughts of suicide disappeared a little and went home.
There was a lot of movement that day, and the police, family, and colleagues at work all went out to look for her.
"After that time, I may have come back from the dead, thinking that I can't just die, that I can't leave my child without a mother in the world. 」
In order to divert her attention, she would walk outdoors every day after work, or ride a bicycle to West Lake, a round trip for more than 4 hours, trying not to let herself fall into negative emotions, and actively collecting information and evidence.
Shixin and her children are at the beach
In the days of losing their children, the mental state of every Purple Ribbon mother was almost "crumbling" on the edge of the cliff.
In the first 20 days after the robbery and hiding, Gu Lin didn't want to contact or chat with anyone, so she asked for leave to lock herself in the dormitory and drink alone.
During that time, she lost more than 20 pounds. After relieving yourself, I seriously thought about it:
What's next?
She began to work part-time in her free time to ensure that she could maintain a stable financial situation even if the man did not pay child support.
She searched the Internet for channels that could help her, and called a counselor to confirm whether her condition was normal.
Go to the hospital for a physical examination, and deliberately check the breast, thyroid, uterus, ovaries, cancer cells...... There are nodules, but they are all benign and are fine as long as they do not enlarge.
Hearing the doctor say that she was healthy in all aspects, Gu Lin was relieved, she knew that she could still adjust her state by confiding and asking for help.
The child has been absent for more than a year, and she is afraid that she will adapt to the absence of her daughter. I usually look through my daughter's photos and the clothes my daughter wore in the past.
"I don't want to be numb, I just look at the clothes I made for my child. Tell yourself to keep fighting. 」
But it's hard to recall, and her heart hurts, so she sometimes tries to restrain herself and doesn't think too much.
Gu Lin's daughter
The small skirt was made by Gu Lin
"My child and I have been separated for a long time, will I forget that I am a mother?"
This is the question Wei Wei was asked the most during the live broadcast. She is a psychological counselor and joined the Purple Ribbon Mothers Public Welfare Group in July this year.
In the past many years, she has cooperated with Xu Lu to deal with a number of marriage cases involving the snatching of hidden children.
"The relationship between mother and child is not easily disconnected. 」
A mother who once asked Wei Wei for help had been separated from her child for 5 years and had not seen each other once. During divorce proceedings, both parties had a very unpleasant quarrel.
When the judge communicated for the first time, the man took the child with him and argued that the child refused to see the mother.
Counselor Wei Wei, together with the lawyer, continued to communicate with the judge to make the judge understand that no matter how good the conditions of the father, stepmother, grandfather and grandmother are, they cannot deliberately block the emotional connection between the child and the mother, otherwise the adverse effects will haunt the child for the rest of his life.
After learning about the situation, the judge contacted the child's father again, and when the father left the scene, re-questioned the child's thoughts, which were recorded on video.
The situation has changed.
Under the communication of the executive judge, the child's father agreed to talk to Wei Wei. Eventually, moms can start with video calls and reconnect with their children.
Consultant Wei Wei live connection
Wei Wei has also communicated directly with the child who was robbed and hidden in the past.
She remembers an 8-year-old girl who, when they first met, was confused and conflicted. As soon as I asked her what she thought, she began to shed tears, crying all the time and not speaking.
"In the end, I said: Don't worry, no matter what you think, Auntie will support and respect you, but can you tell me what is in your heart. 」
The child spoke: she wanted to follow her mother.
But she was also afraid, she was afraid of becoming a burden to her mother, and she was afraid that when her mother was busy with work, she would still be sent to live with her father.
"I can't make my dad angry, and I can't make my grandparents angry, because my grandparents and my dad hate my mom. 」
This is the psychology of children.
"At that time, I heard that it was very uncomfortable, that there was a problem in the marriage, that it was two adults who were in trouble, but in the end, it was the children who hurt the most. 」
Fortunately, the outcome of this case is still gratifying.
In the 4 or 5 years after the divorce, in order to have the financial ability to fight for her daughter, the mother, who was originally a full-time wife, went out to work several jobs and save a house for the mother and daughter.
After having a certain amount of savings, the custody was successfully changed, and the daughter returned to her mother.
Purple Ribbon Moms group
Many mothers experience separation anxiety
In the worst case, it will produce suicidal thoughts
"Separation anxiety" is a psychological problem that all mothers and children face at the beginning of snatching.
If you can't ask for help and adjustment in time, your mother may have thoughts of suicide. Your child may become emotionally stressed, timid, and in the long run, may develop a people-pleasing personality and social difficulties.
There was once a mother who brought her son to the consultation, the child used to live with the father, and after the age of 8, the mother applied for a change of custody and wanted the child back.
"My son has changed, his life Xi is completely different, and he is prone to anger. 」
During the years when he was robbed and hidden, he couldn't get along with his mother, and his father didn't give the child enough security and love.
When he returns to his mother, he often thinks:
Is my mother's love for me conditional? If I don't behave, learn Xi well, and don't obey, will my mother abandon me?
Because of his lack of security, he did rebellious things again and again to test whether his mother really loved him. And the mother was confused and did not understand the reason for his actions.
It wasn't until they walked into the counseling room that the two established in-depth communication and worked hard to repair the relationship.
When the psychological pressure is too great to relieve itself and the anxiety cannot be eliminated on its own, Wei Wei recommends seeking help from professional psychological counseling.
Through analysis, clarify the source of anxiety, accompany the parties to face it, accept it, and then find ways to solve the problems step by step.
"If you keep indulging in pain and anxiety and stop moving, it is very bad for both mother and child. 」
It wasn't until he was 14 years old that Jia Yuan returned to his mother.
At that time, her father transferred her back to Panjin to study, and her mother's friend opened a shop near the school and recognized Jia Yuan.
"Auntie called my dad and said that it was okay for Jia Yuan to go to my place to play, and my dad was having a hot conversation with his new girlfriend at the time and acquiesced. 」
Through her aunt's narration, Jia Yuan knew what had happened in the past 7 years, and finally talked to her mother on the phone.
She cried. Every word of care from her mother touched the soft corners of her heart that her father didn't care about.
Two or three days later, she saw her mother at the school gate, and although she hadn't seen her for 7 years, she recognized her mother at a glance.
"She's got her hair cut short and she's obviously old. Didn't say much, hugged me and cried all the time. 」
Because they had no savings and a stable financial source, the mother and daughter could not live together at that time. After his father remarried, he ignored Jiayuan even more.
After a conflict, Jiayuan took the household registration book and real estate certificate, contacted her mother, and ran to find her. Eventually, the two were reunited.
The price was that the property in Jiayuan's name was sold, and the man took 6 percent.
When I grew up, my mother occasionally took the initiative to talk about the past experience. For the 7 years of separation between mother and daughter, Jiayuan has no resentment and knots.
"If anything, it may be that my mother feels indebted to me, but I know it's not her fault. 」
One night, she swiped the Weibo of the Purple Ribbon Mother's public welfare group, went to the homepage to look through it for a long, long time, and wrote a long private message and sent it to the background:
I know this private message may not be seen, but I really want to tell my mother who is still holding on-
Even if the child has been bewitched, he will still stand by his mother in the end.
Jia Yuan once spoke out in the video of the Purple Ribbon Mother's public welfare group
This fall, Gu Lin found her daughter, and after the man was detained for 15 days, he learned that he might face the crime of refusing to execute, and his attitude finally relaxed. On the day of picking up the child, Gu Lin's mother and daughter happened to be wearing pink clothes.
On the first weekend of the reunion, they picked up yellow ginkgo biloba leaves for handicrafts and drew a lot of little girls in dance dresses on art paper.
With the active help of the Mancheng District People's Court, Shixin also picked up his son. Now every night when he sleeps, the child takes her hand and holds her arm.
Just standing outside the kindergarten fence and watching the child go to school normally, Shixin would cry.
Looking back on the experience of more than a year, one of the things that impressed her was that the mothers supported each other together, discussed, and sometimes comforted themselves by saying:
On another level, these injuries are really helping us grow quickly.
When she fought for child custody and applied for a personal safety protection order, she always felt that she was carrying some missions:
I set these precedents, maybe future mothers will not go so hard.
I also hope that legislators can see our efforts and dilemmas, so that the system is getting better and better.
Shi Xin picked up the circle of friends sent after the child
Ah Li recently went to the man's house to look for him, and after the man was detained for 15 days, the two signed a settlement agreement:
The man can visit the child during the winter and summer vacations, and the non-visiting time will be raised by Ah Li, and if the man does not perform, it will be deemed that he has automatically given up the right of custody, guardianship, and visitation.
But the man did not fulfill the agreement, and Ah Li still could not see the child.
She used to be a drinker, but because of too much pressure, she drank the first beer in her life......
Xiaoxue has no news of the child, and since the child disappeared, she has been timekeeping in the circle of friends every day.
DAY 1、DAY 2、DAY 3……
She has been separated from her child for 605 days.
There are still many purple ribbon mothers who are still like them, waiting, seeking, and praying for a turning point with their thoughts of their children.
*This article was dictated and compiled by the interviewee, and the picture was provided by the interviewee
Thanks to the Purple Ribbon Mothers public welfare group for their help in this article