Harvard University research: These 4 behaviors of parents will make children more and more stupid, especially the first one

Author: An Ran (Parent Intensive Reading Author)

A mother on Xiaohongshu tutored her daughter to memorize ancient poems, but she couldn't memorize them for 3 hours, and she was so angry that she collapsed.

The mother demonstrated how to read it a few times, and then took her daughter to read it together, worried that she would not understand, and patiently explained the meaning.

Tossed back and forth dozens of times, and seeing that three hours had passed, my daughter still couldn't remember.

watched other children punch in the group and recite fluently, but her daughter just didn't open her mind.

The mother was angry and anxious, couldn't help but scold harshly, and pushed hard, and her daughter's small body was pulled by her mother over and over again.

The daughter slapped her head with her hand and said with tears in her eyes, "Mom, I'm sorry, I'm too stupid." ”

The mother broke the defense in an instant, realized that she was too out of shape, and hugged her daughter in distress.

Many parents have this confusion: why are children who used to be smart now more and more stupid?

Harvard University has done a follow-up study on children's growth, and the results show that if children become more and more stupid, it is mostly related to the four behaviors of their parents.

Parents have high expectations for their children, but in life, some inadvertent behaviors or Xi are stealing their children's IQ without realizing it.

If parents have these behaviors, they must be taken seriously.

Label your child negatively

Recently, the speech of a "scumbag father" became popular all over the Internet.

"My son is a scumbag, but I still believe that he has every chance of becoming a pillar of the country. ”

At first glance, you may think that this father has a great sense of humor, and ordinary people will probably feel embarrassed and hurt face when they come on stage, and it is impossible for them to say such a thing.

But his analysis is the truth, not just self-comfort.

First, his son has a strong heart and high emotional intelligence, although his grades in Xi are not good, he can eat, play and sleep, and he can't compare.

Second, with the help of teachers in various subjects, the child can sometimes pass the exam, and see that he is improving day by day.

A warm and highly emotionally intelligent speech drew warm applause from the audience.

It not only protects the child's self-esteem and self-confidence, but also expresses recognition and encouragement to his son.

Even if the child's grades are poor, the father does not use words such as "you are poor" and "you can't do it" to label him, but sees his shining point, how precious a strong heart is, and how gratifying the state of continuous improvement is.

In this father, I saw the pattern of parenthood: a truly wise parent who knows how to accept and recognize his children.

But not all children are so lucky.

In the parenting variety show "Dear Little Desk", Xu Jingkai's mother made people feel so depressed that they couldn't breathe through the screen.

She usually likes to suppress her son, and in the show, she shared a conversation between her son and her.

"Mom, why am I so good?"

"Tell me where you're doing. ”

"I'm good-looking. ”

"Looks much better than you. ”

"I've got a good brain. ”

"Did you score 100 points in every test?

The mother also said what was in her heart: she didn't dare to praise her son because he was already a "child of someone else's" in the eyes of others, and she was afraid that he would be embarrassed, so she deliberately suppressed him.

In the show, the child did not dare to introduce himself, and only gave everyone a silent lip shape.

In the talent show, I was even more worried that I couldn't dance well and didn't want to perform.

When other children were playing, he timidly lay at the door, afraid to go in, and never fit in.

As Fu Seoul said: "It is very difficult to make a child confident, but it is easy for you to make him feel inferior." ”

Parents blindly suppress their children and label them negatively, which will only make them fall into self-denial. No matter how good you are, you can't get the affirmation of those close to you, and this kind of despair will make children give up on themselves.

Such a child makes people feel distressed when they see it.

When he is lost, give him some intimate company;

Give a warm hug when he is frustrated;

Give him a sincere compliment when he progresses.

The recognition of parents can bring children a steady stream of strength and have the confidence to move forward.

Limit your child's playfulness

Some time ago, the news of being "captive" for ten minutes between classes rushed to the hot search.

In fact, not only at school, children have endless homework to write when they go home, endless tutorial classes on weekends, and winter and summer vacations are even more continuous.

In this environment of national involution, playing and relaxing have become a luxury.

Recently, a 10-year-old boy in Shijiazhuang went missing for 12 hours, which touched the hearts of countless netizens.

The boy did not return home at 4 p.m. on Saturday after tutoring from the studio.

The mother asked the studio teacher and the child's friends, but there was no news of the child.

At that time, it was minus 16 degrees outside, and the family was very anxious, worried that the child would have an accident, so they quickly called the police.

More than 200 local police, rescue teams and enthusiastic neighbors from the community jointly dispatched to search and rescue the boy.

They braved the freezing cold all night to search, and finally found the boy at 7 o'clock the next morning.

He huddled outside the balcony of a resident in the neighboring neighborhood, his nose red from the cold, and he shivered all over.

The boy froze outside all night and was rushed to the hospital for examination by the rescue team, but fortunately he was safe and sound.

When asked about the reason for the boy's escape, everyone was surprised.

The child's Xi has always been good, and his parents have enrolled him in mathematics, piano, art and other courses, so there is almost no time for play and leisure.

The child really doesn't want to face his parents, he doesn't want to face so much pressure, he would rather starve and freeze than go home.

I don't know how he survived the whole night at minus 16 degrees, and it feels sad to think about, but more to say.

There is nothing wrong with wishing to be a Jackie Chan, but wishful thinking and pressure and ignoring the child's nature will only backfire.

Play is not a waste of time, it is a way to understand the world, a source of happiness, and a powerful energy to accumulate in the heart.

Chen Meiling, a writer who sent her three sons to Stanford, said: "Play is so important for children that it not only cultivates curiosity and creativity, but also exercises their bodies. ”

There is a father in Changsha, Luo Ge, who set a rule for his son: if he doesn't play for 2 hours a day, he is not allowed to do his homework.

In the summer, not only did he not attend tutoring classes, but he also took his son Xi to learn various sports such as kayaking, skiing, and wilderness survival.

Although his son's grades are not top-notch, his Xi learning ability and hands-on ability are particularly strong, and his personality is also very optimistic.

It is in the nature of children to play, and they are curious about the world. This curiosity motivates them to experiment and explore in various games, which is actually the most crucial process of learning Xi.

Play allows children to learn how to get along with others in their interactions with peers, which can gain friendships and develop interpersonal skills.

Play can also release children's pressure in life and Xi, and bring children happy emotions in shouting, running, sweating, and laughing.

Playing freely and happily is like an accelerant in growth, stimulating children's unlimited potential.

Frequent interruptions to the child

When she went to a friend's house on the weekend, she was educating her six-year-old son with a serious face.

The teacher told her that her son was always distracted during class, and when he was dictating, he always couldn't finish it.

She stared at her son every day, and even though she had half an hour of homework, she still delayed it until two hours to finish.

While her son was doing his homework, she reminded from time to time: "Keep your head up a little." ”

After a while, I walked over to take a look.

"No matter how you hold the pen, the light is obscured. ”

"Is this question right, you check it carefully. ”

"Horizontal and vertical, look at your words, crooked. ”

No matter what the child does, the friend will always correct it, almost every five minutes.

The child's face is visibly impatient and it is difficult to concentrate on homework.

I couldn't help but say to my friend, "Let's talk first, and when the child is done, you can check it again, so that you are tired and he is tired." ”

My friend said, "Don't worry, I have to nip my mistake in the bud." ”

I can understand my friend's feelings, but sometimes, good intentions do bad things.

Zhu Fangyi, an expert in parent-child education, said it well: "Behind every child who is not focused, there is a busy parent. ”

Every distraction from parents disturbs the inner order of the child. In fact, as long as the child does not ask for help, parents need to keep their mouths shut and not bother.

Jiangsu Satellite TV's "Amazing Child", the little girl Xie Wantong completed a giant Van Gogh "Starry Sky" puzzle with a length of 6 meters, a width of 5 meters and 500 pieces in three days.

When she participated in the show, she was only four years old and had more than 10 hours of puzzles every day, which is a challenge that is difficult for even adults to complete.

This shocking concentration made the host exclaim: "How?"

She especially likes to play puzzles at home, and once was so engrossed in "work" for 7 hours that she even forgot to eat and drink.

When it comes to her daughter's concentration training, her mother only says, "Let her do her own thing." ”

When children are learning to Xi and playing, parents should restrain the urge to interfere with their children. Frequent interruptions not only affect the child's exploration of interests, but also destroy concentration.

When playing, don't care about whether the child is "thirsty", "hungry" or "cold";

When Xi, don't remind your child to "do the wrong question" or "write the wrong word".

Protecting your child's ability to concentrate and shaping a good Xi can benefit your child for a lifetime.

Infrequent interference by parents is a rare ability, a positive attitude, and a wisdom education.

Suppress your child's emotions

A mother on Xiaohongshu shared her daughter's experience.

She was watching cartoons with her brother, and was seeing the highlights, when her father called them to dinner.

The child wanted to eat after reading it, but the father did not agree, and when she begged again, the father sternly refused.

She reluctantly turned off the TV, sat unhappily at the table, and did not eat.

The father sensed that the child was angry and immediately reprimanded her. The child's eyes turned red instantly, and tears fell down in big drops.

The father was even more angry and yelled at his daughter loudly: "What is there to cry about, cry all day long, hold back." ”

The mother hurriedly came out to the rescue, took her daughter to the room, held the child quietly, and made her cry for a while.

When the child calms down a bit, the mother tells the child to understand her feelings. If you watch a TV series by yourself, you will also go crazy when you are watching a wonderful place being forcibly interrupted.

The daughter calmed down after a while.

Why do parents resist their children's crying? In our hearts, we often think that "crying" is a negative emotion, synonymous with squeamishness, vulnerability, and ignorance.

In fact, children's crying and laughing, like laughter, are both expressions of emotions, and there is no good or bad difference.

Crying is a channel for children to release their emotions, and the emotions of disappointment, grievance, sadness, and anger will be released in crying.

If it is forcibly forbidden, the suppressed emotions will not disappear, it will accumulate in the heart, burn more and more, and finally explode in a more intense form.

In the picture book "Angry Soup", the mother uses a pot of soup to help Hoth drive away anger.

Hoss was confronted with a basket of unsatisfactory things that day, and he returned home with a stomach full of resentment.

Mom didn't ask or reassure, she thought of a good solution.

She boiled a pot of soup, took a deep breath, and screamed into the pot. Hoss climbed onto the stool and screamed like his mother.

In the midst of the screams, they stuck out their tongues, grimaced, and picked up spoons and ping-pong them.

In the end, they looked at each other and smiled, and just like that, they stood shoulder to shoulder, dispersing the unhappiness of the day.

In "Angry Soup", the mother helps the child vent her emotions, and a child who is allowed to lose his temper is a child who is seen by his parents and a lucky child.

Not only do they not become vulnerable, but they also have the courage to face failures and setbacks because they are fully emotionally accepted, feel secure and stronger.

Suppressed emotions are like a powder keg around children, making them feel uneasy all the time.

Release emotions, like a stress reducer in your child's heart, so that they can travel lightly again.

It is the wish of thousands of parents to hope that their son will become a dragon and their daughter will become a phoenix, however, the road to raising children is not all smooth sailing, and some unconscious behaviors and Xi are harming children.

Parenting is not only to brighten up the child's life, but also to meet a better self.

Parenting is a journey of mutual achievement, and children give parents the opportunity to reflect on themselves and continue to grow.

May parents accompany their children to grow up, improve their words and Xi, and let the family become the driving force for their children's upward growth.

About the author: An Ran, the author of Fushu, a working mother born in the 80s, heals herself in the process of accompanying her children, Article: Franklin Book Club, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, it may not be reprinted, and infringement must be investigated

Note: The picture of this article is from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact to delete