Please don't raise so many "good children".

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1

In order to make the children behave, our parents really worked hard.

However, they often ignore the child's inner feelings.

I still remember one time when I took my son to have breakfast at a noodle shop.

There is a couple of parents with their children at the next table.

Because Mom is busy feeding her younger brother in her arms, and Dad is busy scrolling on his phone.

At this time, the child is not happy.

Bang on the table, kick the chair, and make a fuss.

At this time, her mother impatiently said a word to her.

"It's still troublesome, be careful that the aunt who sells powder catches you and sells you. ”

Then the child looked at the aunt in horror.

Obediently sat down in his seat.

I could think of the confusion and fear of children.

Does that aunt really sell children? But I just ate the rice noodles she cooked.

But the child's mother doesn't think about it.

She just wants her child to be well-behaved.

Even if it hurts the child's social functioning.

I often take my son here to eat noodles.

In my spare time, I also have tea and chat with the boss, and my son occasionally interjects a few words.

From the unfamiliar to the familiar.

The little one would often chat with this aunt.

Even when we moved, we would still come here by car for breakfast on the weekends.

It's not just the breakfast that's delicious, it's the human touch.

You can't describe the whole world as a world of demons and monsters in order to make children behave.

Because children's hearts need sunshine and warm human touch.

These will give the child a sense of security and a better integration into the world. 

2

Psychology has found that there is a need for defiant breakthroughs in children's growth.

During this period, individuals want autonomy and independence on the one hand, and dependence on the other.

When the child is young, it will be very obvious.

I once saw a two-year-old child in the square.

There was a man running there at a fast pace, and deliberately going round and round.

The mother saw it, of course, chased after her, and called the child in a hurry

Wish he stopped.

As for the child, while laughing happily, he ran at the same time, but he kept looking back at his mother the whole time.

See if mom is there anxiously following herself.

In this process, the child is looking forward to running faster and farther with his little feet, and he wants to be more independent and independent.

But he also needs the protection of his mother, and he very much wants to rely on it.

Parents should strive to meet their children's needs for this defiant breakthrough.

It is in such a small detail that the child feels the parents, and the parents feel the children.

The parent-child relationship will be very harmonious, and the child will be able to develop a healthy personality.

But some of our parents do.

Even if you are playing in the square, hold the child's hand tightly.

One is afraid of falling, and the other is afraid of losing.

Tell your child, "Don't run around, be careful of the big bad wolf eating you"

Then the child was dragged like this, but his heart tried his best to break free.

Sometimes, such control is not just the hands, but the mind. 

3

When your child resists, take it seriously.

Because what you do has too much impact on the child.

When a child makes a mistake, parents and teachers will usually persuade him.

If your child feels that he or she is right and fights or persists.

Many people began to complain that the child was difficult to cope with and difficult to carry.

Even prophecy about children growing up will be tiresome and difficult to navigate, and it is not something to be made.

Terrifyingly, such prophecies often happen in classrooms.

I remember when I was a child, there was a boy in our class who had a good academic record.

But he's also the naughtiest one.

I often talk secretly to other students during class.

At one point the math teacher had an outburst. He scolded: "You are very smart! But if you are so undisciplined, you will not be able to do anything in the future." You know, a lot of people in jail are smart, do you know why?"

That time he was scolded by the teacher and cried.

Later, he didn't go to school after graduating from high school.

Because since the teacher predicted that he would not be successful, his parents often used to say this about him.

Parents and teachers are obedient and obedient for the sake of their children.

So they will punish the child and try to make the child behave.

But these punishments only make the child more rebellious and even deny himself.

In the face of their children's stubbornness, parents can easily be irritated and even lose control.

Then hit and scold the child.

And afterwards I feel annoyed by what I said and how I behaved out of control.

Then apologize to the child and ask for forgiveness.

The heart also acquiesces in the child's behavior.

This will only reinforce the child's rebellious behavior.

Then it hovers in a vicious circle of scolding-apologizing-scolding-apologizing. 

4

 "Everyone craves the approval of others all their lives. ”

And children have always longed to be recognized by their parents, so many children strive to become the kind of child that their parents like.

Many of our parents have come through this in this way.

But what kind of experience is it?

There was a mother who said that she had a quarrel with her mother.

People say that her daughter is her mother's little padded jacket, but she feels that she is almost incompatible with her mother.

For example, when my mother said to make noodles, she would say, "Let's make rice balls, it's not good to freeze for a long time."

When the mother said to add a piece of clothing to the child, she said, "Don't add it, the child is not afraid of the cold and is not old." ”

Although he understands that the old man is kind, he just can't control it.

Later, after deep introspection on herself, she found that it was actually the child in her heart who was doing the trick.

Because of what he did when he was a child, his mother didn't agree.

My mother was a very passionate but strong woman at that time, and the family had to do what she wanted.

When I was a child, I could only be a good girl, just like my father, I listened to my mother for everything.

Later, when I grew up, I suddenly realized that I could make my own decisions about everything, and it felt so good.

So he started saying "no" to his mother.

Such conflicts often hurt deeply.

It's obviously the person you love the most, but why can't you control it to hurt it?

If the environment in which the child grew up in childhood is not respected, there is no right to speak.

I've always been a good boy who only promises.

Over the years, it is often found that the gap between parents and children is getting bigger and bigger.

Behind the strong parents, there is often a well-behaved child.

His heart was depressed, but there was no one to speak.

His ideas are often opposed, but every good boy is more eager to be recognized.

And years later, such psychological damage will be inflicted on the next generation. 

5

A person can only better integrate into this world if he does not lose himself.

If you look closely, you will see that many children are "eaten" by their parents.

They have lost their precious selves.

In order to obey the will of the parents, or to satisfy the parents' inner desire for control.

Prefer to be a vassal yourself.

In her book Don't Control Me, Patris Evans mentions such an example:

One day, my friend and I were having coffee at a café. A lady, Betty, and her daughter, Susie, walked in together. My daughter is about 7 years old.

They looked at the various ice creams under the glass counter.

"What kind of ice cream do you want?" asked Betty her daughter.

"I want vanilla. Susie said.

"There was chocolate. Mom said.

"No, I want vanilla. ”

"I think chocolate is a little bit better. ”

"No, I'm going to ask for vanilla. ”

"You shouldn't ask for vanilla. I know you love chocolate stuff. ”

"I want to eat vanilla right now. ”

"It's weird how you are so stubborn. Betty said.

In this story, the mother has been denying her daughter's feelings, feeling that her daughter's judgment is wrong.

And has been imposing his own judgment on his daughter's head.

She declared to her daughter: "Your inner thoughts, your own choices, and your own judgments are all wrong." Don't resist anymore, be good, because you don't know how you feel, only I know."

It seems to be love, but in fact it deprives the child of his "self".

Who knows how we feel better than we do?

I think that trying to make children become themselves is true love.