My friend died of cancer at the age of 30 but said that he was very happy: how many children have been crushed by guilt-based education
Text | Mi Li's mother
A few days ago, Mi Li's mother saw a topic rushing to the hot search: #My friend died of cancer at the age of 30 and said that he was very happy before his death#.
The gist of the video is that the blogger has a friend who has been someone else's child since he was a child, with excellent academic performance and a happy family in the eyes of others.
But no one knew that he had been living in pain for the past 30 years.
His parents are extremely strict with him, and he even has to take care of the chopsticks when he eats. Buying clothes and shoes, no matter how much he likes the style, his parents only let him buy black, white and gray, and they have to control him all the time.
What suffocated him the most was that his parents had put all the suffering of their lives on him. As long as you do something big for your child, you will definitely say:
"I work so hard every day, who am I for? Heck, it's so hard to be a parent. When I'm old, you don't want to leave us alone. ”
These words made him feel a strong sense of guilt all the time, and made him feel that he owed his parents all his life, and he could only be his parents' cattle and horses forever.
At the age of 30, he was diagnosed with cancer during a medical check-up. Ordinary people suffering from cancer must be in pain, but he is not only not sad, but feels relieved.
He can finally rest, he can finally live less stressful, and he can finally have cancer as a reason not to do what his parents told him to do. He just wanted to take advantage of the last period of his life to go out and play, to travel, to learn the violin, to do things that he never dared to think of but that he especially wanted to do.
At the end of the story, he left this world with regrets.
After watching the video, Mi Li's mother felt full of suffocation across the screen. I can't believe how this kid has been doing for 30 years.
Perhaps, his cancer has a lot to do with long-term emotional depression, if it weren't for such a terrible pair of parents, how happy this child's life would be. With excellent grades since childhood, he has studied all the way to a doctorate, and his future is bright and promising. But because of his parents' guilt-based education, he lived in a sense of indebtedness and moral kidnapping since he was a child, and his life ended at the best time.
There are too many parents who like to use feelings of guilt and indebtedness to educate their children.
I once watched a video on the Internet of a father who was shirtless with a cigarette in his mouth, and painstakingly taught his daughter:
"Dad only slept four hours in two days and ate only one meal a day. The high temperature of 36 degrees, I am not willing to rest after heat stroke, I am afraid that you will be the same as me in the future. ”
The girl next to her fiddled with the Olympiad information in front of her, and she was aggrieved with tears. Perhaps, the father's goal was achieved, and the daughter saw his sacrifice, but she also planted the seeds of guilt in her heart: Dad's hard work was caused by me.
After the mother next to her took a video, the accompanying text was posted on the Internet: "He is not good at expressing himself, he rarely says so much, he is not afraid of hardship, he is afraid that his children will suffer the same hardships as him." ”
At first glance, there is nothing wrong with this, parents use their own personal experience to educate their children to study hard, avoid following the path that their parents have walked and suffering from their parents. But can this really give children the motivation to read as parents wish?
I'm afraid not. There are only two things it can really bring to a child:
One is to make children forced to empathize with their parents, and even think that their parents' pain is self-inflicted, so they lose the joy of childhood at a young age.
The second is that children will live in guilt, and once they fail to meet their parents' requirements, they will feel guilty.
How can a child who grows up with such an awkward mentality have no psychological problems?
Unfortunately, many parents are not aware of the harm that guilt-based education does to their children, and only see its immediate educational effect.
Some time ago, Mi Li's mother swiped such a video on the short video platform:
A father wearing a migrant uniform with a stained face said to the camera: "Son, Dad is not hot." Dad earned another 200 yuan today, and your Huabei will be able to pay you back tomorrow. ”
"You play games at home with peace of mind, remember to turn on the air conditioner when the weather is hot, be sure to turn it on to the lowest, order a cup of milk tea when you are thirsty, be sure to order a big cup, Dad is not bad for money! Tomorrow I will continue to work hard to earn money! ”
Mi Li's mother didn't understand, what was the purpose of this father saying such things to his child? Do you really want to show your love for your child, or do you want your child to feel indebted to their parents, and then stop playing games and study hard in the future?
Some time ago, Mi Li's mother saw a video with more than 2 million likes on the Internet.
In the video, the family is happily eating a sumptuous dinner, but the mother only eats shrimp heads.
The daughter sandwiched a piece of shrimp meat for her mother, but her mother refused, saying, "I'll just eat some shrimp head." ”
My daughter doesn't understand, isn't there a lot more?
Mom replied, "Isn't that one piece less than one piece?" I'll leave all the good ones for you, and I'll just eat what you've leftover." ”
Seeing that her daughter didn't speak, her mother said again:
"Am I not all for you? If I usually eat at home, can I eat so well? ”
Only one minute of video, Mi Li's mother felt the suffocation feeling of overflowing the screen.
I can't help but think of what Huang Zhizhong said:
The relationship between China is very strange, and we have to sing the praises of a feeling called "You have to sacrifice, he wants to repay the favor".
Obviously, the suffering of life is not caused by the child, so it has to be buckled on the child's head; Obviously, children don't need their parents to pay so much, but parents have to sacrifice themselves and let their children live in guilt.
Why is that? Why do parents always like to use guilt-based education to make their children feel sorry for themselves?
The reason is simple, because the method is simple and crude, and the results are immediate.
In fact, guilt-based education is a kind of lazy education, as long as you move out of this set of rhetoric, children will obey their parents' arrangements driven by a sense of indebtedness: take a "good" school, find a "good" job, choose a "good" partner, and have children at the "right age"... Every step of life is completed under the arrangement of parents, which seems to be smooth sailing, but in fact it is like a puppet.
Wang Chen, a professor of education at Beijing Normal University, believes that the essence of "guilt-based education" is a kind of emotional domination. Parents use their emotional connection with their children to make them obey them.
But this obedience, the side effects are particularly large.
Dr. David Hawkins, a famous American psychiatrist, has analyzed the energy levels of various emotions, from the most negative and hurtful emotions to the most positive and nourishing emotions.
Surprisingly, of all the emotions, the lowest ranked are not anger and sadness, but shame and guilt. In Dr. Hawkins' view, shame is like a mental suicide behavior, which will slowly consume the child's inner energy, making the child cowardly, inferior, and even self-denying and self-attacking.
Not only that, but guilt-based education can also make children develop a pleasing personality. They ignore and suppress their own needs to satisfy their parents.
Comfortable for parents, painful for children.
The most terrifying thing is that this educational model will still be "inherited". These children were kidnapped by their parents with guilt in the first half of their lives, and then used the same method to kidnap their own children after they got married and had children. So this pain will continue from generation to generation unconsciously.
There is no guilt in true love, only relaxation. Don't deliberately exaggerate the bitterness of parents, don't kidnap children's self-will with emotion, and don't use a sense of indebtedness as a weight to force children to obey themselves.
Yes, truly wise parents will never kidnap their children with self-sacrifice, but will live themselves as a light to illuminate their children's future and lead them on the right path.
For example, CCTV host Dong Qing was also very anxious when she became a mother at the beginning, worried that she would not have time to spend time with her children because she was busy with work. She also thought about whether she should retreat bravely, leave more time for her children, and be a good mother first.
Just when Dong Qing was at a loss about her choice in life, a sentence from her friend completely woke her up. My friend said, "What kind of person you want your child to become, you just need to make yourself that kind of person first." ”
Friend's words made Dong Qing suddenly brightened. Yes, if you sacrifice your beloved career for your children, not only will you regret it, but in the process of getting along with your children in the future, you are likely to unconsciously reveal your sacrifices, which will bring heavy pressure to your children.
Instead of sacrificing yourself for the sake of your children, you should be the best version of yourself and live as a role model for your children, so that your children will also have love in their hearts and light in their eyes.
So, Dong Qing temporarily left CCTV and went to East China Normal University to study for a master's degree in classical literature. A few years later, she returned gorgeously with the hit variety show "Reader".
When asked why he wanted to run "Reader", Dong Qing said this:
"I think I should try very hard to make myself better, so that when he really understands in the future, he has love and respect for you, and he can learn some good qualities from you. The child is not a reason for me to stop, I want to grow with him. ”
You see, smart parents never feel that their children are a stumbling block to their own development, and they never feel that their children's growth must be fulfilled by the sacrifice of their parents, they will find a "win-win" model, with their children to grow together, so as to meet better and better each other.
Please believe that a truly good education is never a distorted sacrifice, but a heartfelt effort, but a warmth at a low point, and a firm support.
Personal Profile: @米粒妈爱分享 Mi Li's mother, American returnee, Haidian parent. Focus on learning, educational experience and further education.