The eldest always hits the second eldest man? Is raising a second child really a headache? 99% of parents don't know to do this!

Some time ago, I was very touched by the sharing of a netizen on Zhihu:

A boy in the Chaoshan area, three generations of single family transmission, just his son, his parents doted on him, but he was a lot indifferent to his sister.

In the year of my sister's college entrance examination, her grades were very good, even enough to go to Tsinghua, but her parents thought that their daughter would go to a school close to home to facilitate taking care of her younger brother, so they forced her to fill in South China Institute of Technology.

My sister, who was wronged at home, finally chose to leave home and go to Beijing to break with her parents.

And the younger brother, caught between his loved ones, helpless and painful.

He loves his sister very much, and knows that his sister has been wronged at home, but he can't change his parents' deep-rooted thoughts, nor can he really resent his parents, after all, his parents' love for him is not less.

This story, for parents, is a profound reminder.

In our previous understanding, eccentricity seems to have a huge impact on unfavored children, and in fact, the biased child is not necessarily favored without fear.

In short, excessive partiality of parents is a disservice to both the favored child and the neglected child.

Eccentricity is hard to avoid

He has a friend with a successful career and two sons, but he prefers his brother.

When we had dinner together, the most praised was still big, not because he was the first child, but because he felt that his brother was more similar to him, not only in appearance, but also in personality.

The two sons have diametrically opposed personalities, the younger one is more restrained, shy, and does not like to talk when he sees people. The big ones are the complete opposite, let go outside, and will actively shout people, because the mouth is sweet, often praised by adults.

Jeffrey Cruger, senior editor of Time magazine, once said that 95% of parents are partial, and the remaining 5% just don't want to admit it.

Although they don't want to admit it, most parents have a hard time honestly reflecting on whether they are partial or not.

It is normal to have a preference, and the most important thing is that parents can be alerted in time, such as liking Erbao more, then they should be more concerned about Dabao than Erbao, only in this way can a certain balance be achieved.

The excessive pursuit of fairness has become a trap

Parents take great pains to avoid partiality, but often try to go in the wrong direction.

For example, in order to show fairness, some parents always feel that "what this child has, that child has when raising two children", and pursue absolute fairness materially, which stimulates children's calculations.

A mother once complained:

The two daughters are two years apart, and all the clothes, toys, and snacks are bought in the same quantity.

Despite this, the conflicts between the children have not decreased, and the most frightening thing is that the daughters have learned to calculate. For example, if the mother asks the eldest daughter to help run an errand, she will be unhappy: "Why doesn't my sister go!" You are not fair! ”

One day, my grandmother brought a portion of cashew nuts, and one person divided a share, but I didn't expect that the two children had a big fight over who was more and who was less, and finally the two people lay on the table and counted one by one until the two were exactly the same.

The daughters' overcalculation of fairness made this mother extremely sad.

Excessive pursuit of fairness means that you need to constantly measure the value of everything you give your child, and unknowingly, lose the most important love and tolerance.

In the end, even if you are fair, the child does not necessarily feel that this is the best result, but will use this as a standard and constantly make new demands on you.

Love is the medicine that heals everything 

We always think that when children are born and have that layer of blood relationship, they will definitely be born in love.

But brotherhood is in the heart, not in the relationship of flesh and blood.

More important than the blood connection is the bond of love.

To have brotherhood, you must first have love!

1

Love the boss with all my heart

The original intention of the second child was to give the eldest a brotherhood, not to deprive him of his right to be loved.

Therefore, the only trick to solve the contradiction of the second child is to love the boss wholeheartedly and unreservedly.

There is a friend, her siblings get along very well, the younger brother adores the sister, the sister loves the younger brother, and envyes others.

Friends said that the second child, the real need to pay more attention to is the boss.

When my sister wants to "hug", I will drop anything on my hand and hug her.

The sister never stopped her sister from wanting to eat her brother's food because she didn't want to be specific, and this food was specifically for her brother.

Specially set "sister exclusive time", 15 minutes a day. In the exclusive time, be with your sister wholeheartedly, hug your sister with your heart, play with your sister for a while, read picture books and chat.

The friend explained that the boss already has psychological needs and needs more emotional care; And the second old, still staying in the needs of life, just take care of food and drink.

When the adults in the family give more love to the eldest, when he is sure that he has unconditional love, love will also take root and blossom in his heart.

The first to enjoy the benefits of the eldest love result is the second eldest one.

The way you love the eldest is ultimately the way the eldest loves the second.

2

The parents let go and let the eldest and the second get along by themselves

The neighbor's child Qiu Qiu hates his brother, "I eat watermelon meat, he eats watermelon skin", "I don't let you eat, I don't let you drink", these are all words that Qiu Qiu often hangs on his lips.

After digging deeper into their home, it was discovered that the problem was with Mom and Dad.

Dad insisted that Qiuqiu share it with her brother, but Qiuqiu refused, and Dad told her that not sharing is a selfish child.

In the second-child family, the contradictions between children are most afraid of the forced intervention of their parents and forcibly ask the eldest to let the second eldest be.

These will create the illusion of "all my suffering is because of the appearance of the second eldest child" for the eldest to appear.

In the long run, the relationship between siblings will only become more and more rigid.

On the contrary, when parents learn to let go and withdraw from the competition of the second child, the child will explore how to get along on his own, and the sibling relationship will become simpler and closer.

This works well on Qiu Qiu and his younger brother.

Two hours after Qiuqiu's father temporarily left, we saw a different Qiuqiu and his brother.

Stop the younger brother from playing with dangerous headphones, help the younger brother open the lid of the kettle, feed his own fruit to the younger brother, and warm big sister Fan everywhere.

Let the children play by themselves, to reconcile, to get acquainted with each other, to warm each other.

When they find a suitable mode of getting along and adapt to their respective roles, there are fewer contradictions and brothers and sisters are close.

3

 Give more rights to the boss and establish the status of the boss

Children are naturally Muqiang, an omnipotent boss, will naturally attract the attention of the second eldest child.

After figuring out this problem, balancing the second child is another trick.

At a friend's house, when two children fight, they will take the things they are fighting for and give them to their sister to deal with.

If the younger brother wants to take his sister's toys, he will definitely discourage it: this is his sister's thing, and you must get your sister's consent.

Usually I also deliberately praise my sister in front of my younger brother: "My sister dances so well", "My sister will fry tomatoes and eggs, it's very powerful", "My sister told you a story today, my sister is so good to you".

Over time, the younger brother felt that his sister was powerful and capable, and he could do anything, so he became his sister's little fan brother and little ass worm.

My sister was empowered, felt respected, felt happy to be a big child, and was very happy to take care of her younger brother.

The younger brother respects his sister, and his sister protects his younger brother, and brotherhood is quietly born.

Someone once said affectionately that having a second child is not because of money, nor because it must be a boy or a girl, but because he wants to leave a relative for the child.

Brotherhood is the warmest bond in the world.

But this love does not come out of thin air, but needs to be maintained and cultivated by the day after tomorrow.

Behind the two children who love each other, there must be hidden the old mother's intentions "management".

What we can do to raise a second child is to love every child seriously, regardless of gender, big or small.

Especially love the eldest child well, so that full of love, through the eldest, flows to the second eldest child.

Life is long, parents will grow old, friends will be separated, only brothers and sisters are the longest companions.