Valentine's Day always makes people think about love. February 14 is coming, and singles Xianming, Ye Chen and Trump plan to work as usual that day, with no more dates. Lao Ai decided to treat himself well and cook steak at home instead of making wontons.
Shanghai "indigenous" is 38 years old and a university teacher. He likes beautiful girls and wants to start his own family. Over the years, he has fallen in love several times. But due to family pressures and my own demands, I didn't get married.
Both are 38 years old, and Ye Chen is a typical "Shanghai drifter". It has been 15 years since he came to Shanghai from his hometown of Anhui. She has been a bridesmaid five times and has been touched each time, but she firmly believes that marriage is more than just living together. When they returned to their hometown during the Spring Festival this year, Ye Chen's parents did not ask them to get married. We all talked about the days after the quarantine was lifted and were hopeful for the future.
Ye Chen's mystery
The 36-year-old has been promoting marriage for more than a decade. It was only in the last two years that his parents gradually "gave up". In Lao Ai's words, this is "not to be requested". This Spring Festival, the family of three enjoyed a quiet Chinese New Year's Eve meal. As a free-spirited man, he is still looking forward to getting married, but he does not intend to force this "task".
Growing up, many people got used to their elders urging them to get married and spend their holidays alone. Ye Chen posted an exclamation expression in WeChat, and then laughed at himself: "The fortune teller said that I will not peach blossoms this year." Xianming also thought: "This day is like being kidnapped, I want to stay at home and not go out." ”
Unlike usual stubbornness or indifference, exuding loneliness makes them soft.
We are almost forty years old and have experienced the bittersweet and bitter separation of feelings, but some people still dare not say that they know love. In the days with their parents, their choices became more decisive, and they still looked for love on the road.
The following is the oral account of Xian Ming, Ye Chen and Lao Ai:
The 38-year-old college teacher showed that he was not married, and his father once said that he "lost face"
I've always wanted to get married, and I think I will.
I studied nursing as an undergraduate in medical school, but I didn't like it. At that time, I was plain-looking and introverted. I actually like beautiful girls, but I'm embarrassed to talk to them. After the graduate school entrance exam, I devoted myself to literary research. I studied until I got my PhD. After earning money, I went back to school and engaged in academic work related to literary studies. Until now, after ten years of doctoral study, I have accumulated and grown little by little, becoming more confident and cheerful.
One of the first restaurants to eat in Shunde
When I was 23, I dated a girl from nursing school. It is also when I most want to get married in the purest way - my idea is simple, without looking at material conditions. But when I was in graduate school, I discovered that there were a lot of good, beautiful girls out there and I needed to get better to be worthy of others.
My parents are Shanghainese, and their requirements for their daughter-in-law are very traditional - if they are a family, they must be Shanghainese, with a good family background and high education. To put it bluntly, they are the female version of "me". But such a girl is difficult to find, and you can't find the one you are satisfied with. So every time you bring a girl back, her parents will be picky about her family background, education, and personal skills. As for the blind date they helped me find, they themselves were not happy, as if just to complete this "task".
Even when I was 23 years old, my parents started urging me to get married. When I was urged to get married in the first two years, I was sad and had low self-esteem. I don't think I deserve to find a good girl. Later, I gradually realized that everything can only rely on my own efforts, but not on my family. After graduating with a PhD (at the age of 28), someone urged me to remarry, and I stopped paying attention to them.
Over time, I didn't get married.
The sunset was taken by Hyunming in the office
I've been in a relationship for years. When I was younger, I was still very emotional and didn't want to follow so many conditions. Only then I did not meet a girl I particularly liked and did not have the desire to "get married". After the age of thirty, I gradually became rational and found a better partner. In the past two years, I met a girl who wanted to get married very much, but because her family conditions were much better than mine, and her status was very different, we did not get married in the end.
I'm actually a bit obsessed with the topic of marriage – having a house before talking about marriage. But my parents didn't support me financially, so I couldn't buy such a heavy property myself. Even if I met a girl I liked very much, I was embarrassed to propose to her.
Ten years ago, I would have quarreled with my parents because I was in a hurry to get married. When pressed the most, my father said, "Why don't you have a sense of responsibility?" The sons of the people around you are married, if you don't get married, how humiliating will our family be? ”
However, the past two years have calmed down a lot. This year, I took my parents to Guangdong and Guangxi to escape the cold and had Chinese New Year's Eve meal at the Chaoshan Hotel. During the meal, they also talked about marriage: "You are almost forty, why are you not married?" "But it's much softer than before, mainly because they're older and don't have the strength to push."
It's Valentine's Day, and I'll probably still be doing academic work in the office. Every time I see a festival like this, I feel very sad. I felt like my mood was hijacked and I didn't want to go out. I still work hard and save money. I want to get married and have children. I still prefer children. I need to provide a good environment for my children to grow up, and the financial foundation is the basic guarantee. I'm realistic and I think marriage should last much longer if we talk about superficial things (material things) first, and then about relationships.
Ye Chen, a 38-year-old bank clerk: I have been a bridesmaid five times, and each time I am very moved, but nothing can shake me.
I am 38 years old, rafting in Shanghai, my hometown of Anhui. When I was 29, it was when I wanted to get married the most. Worry about age. But when I was 30, I felt like I could let go.
I was single most of the time and didn't meet the right person. On weekdays, I go to work at half past nine. In my free time, I enjoy planting flowers, making coffee, scuba diving, and playing with Lego bricks. I spend my days busy with all kinds of interesting things. So for me: it's better to have emotions, and without emotions don't force it.
Ye Chen's green plants
I do not reject marriage. But I think the premise of marriage is to meet the right people and love each other. I didn't want to get married just to live together.
In 2016, I met the "ideal" person. He was handsome, and his eyes matched me. I'm the kind of person who likes to follow rules, procedures, and rigidity in everything. That kid is exactly like this, acting decently, and his heart is not extreme. We loved each other, but in the end we weren't together and we're still friends today.
My dad and grandma would ask me every year about my feelings and wedding plans. But my father didn't think girls had to get married. It is also good to read more books and see more about the world. My mom also thinks it's up to her to decide whether to marry or not. During the holidays, when it comes to getting married, relatives just ask and don't care too much. No one mentioned marriage this year. Everyone is talking about the possibility of a recovery from the pandemic. Gladly.
Lego made by Ye Chen
A lot of my friends are married, about three-quarters. From the age of 26 to 33, I regularly attended their weddings and became a bridesmaid five times. I was very touched every time. But that didn't shake me.
This Valentine's Day is a weekday. I should go to work at 8:30, work overtime as usual, and have no intention of adding meals. I feel like I have a lot of rules and regulations and it's hard to find people who work well with me. I'm so willing to take care of myself in my old age – when I'm older I'll find a nursing home with a good environment to spend the rest of my life, so now I'm trying to make money.
36-year-old freelancer Lao Ai: Sometimes I think of the girl I liked when I was 23
In fact, I'm not a complete freelancer. One day a week I have to take a long-distance bus to school. I usually get up every morning to write (film reviews, drama reviews) and read books and movies in the afternoon. This is what I learned from the writer Wang Anyi.
The wontons that Lao Ai eats every day
For as long as I can remember, my parents have been arguing. But after every fight, they got along very well. They have been at odds for decades and have never broken up. The reason for their quarrel is also simple: the faucet is not turned off, you wasted a few cents ... Life revolves around these little things. That's why I know it's very painful to be with people who don't fit the rhythm of life.
In the past, some families in Shanghai had such a situation - after marriage, the salary was handed over to the woman, and the man received several hundred yuan in pocket money every month. This is unacceptable to me - I don't like being controlled by others.
Since I was 22 years old, my parents urged me to find a girlfriend to marry. It's also when I want to get married the most. I was still living my life like a child, step by step, thinking I would be like everyone else. I didn't even know what I wanted, and the days passed vaguely like that.
When I was 23, I changed majors and entered graduate school in art. I feel like life has just begun. That same year, I fell in love with a girl who was my high school classmate. I consider myself a very strange person, free by nature and likes to do everything slowly. It's all the same - calm in action, soft on the outside and rigid on the inside. We are good friends and get along very well. We often go to see the plays performed by the teachers together. Once, when we were helping out behind the scenes, the teacher made a joke, but we quickly got the point and smiled knowingly. It was then that I felt closest to her—a silent tacit understanding between us.
I've been chasing that girl for seven years, but she doesn't agree with my confession and only communicates with me occasionally. We go out to eat and go for a walk like normal friends. After graduating with a PhD, our contact gradually decreased. Until one day, the messages I sent her could no longer be sent, all with a red exclamation mark behind them - she completely cut me off.
Lao Ai eats hot pot with friends
The girls I fell in love with later were all like this - calm, confident, soft on the outside and rigid on the inside. I wanted to find someone who fit the rhythm of my life – free time and self-discipline in life. But it's not easy, it's even harder to meet someone you like.
After the age of 30, there were fewer and fewer friends who invited me to the wedding, and of course I was less and less stressed. When I see them proposing, I tell them, "Don't force love things, let them go their own way." "I would also advise them to focus on self-actualization and have time to hang out more.
Two years later, my parents stopped pushing me. This year, our family of three had a sumptuous dinner – egg dumplings and steamed fish, all local traditional dishes. They didn't talk about anything about marriage – they were too old to try.
If one day I'm going to have a wedding, I might rent a villa on Chongming Island and invite friends and family to stay for two days — barbecues, photos, picnics, rather than a traditional hotel wedding. Looking back, I'm glad I stuck with something – I was looking forward to a relationship and marriage, but I wasn't imposing a mandate. It's good that I haven't changed.
I usually watch movies and read books, but rarely attend large parties. Sometimes I invite some friends to hang out, and I'm not alone at all. On Valentine's Day, all my friends were at work. I plan to get up in the morning to write and read as usual in the afternoon. Fry steak tonight instead of eating ravioli.
Walking down the road, I occasionally think of the girl I liked when I was 23 years old. Maybe one day I'll see her walking down the road.
(At the request of interviewees, Ye Chen, Trump and Xian Ming are pseudonyms)