My girlfriend Wen Wen often has this confusion: in the face of the child's various vexatious teasing, I often can't help yelling at him, but every time I yell, I blame myself very much. The key child has just been yelled, but tearfully ran over and asked for a hug, should he hug or not?
(1) Why doesn't the baby speak after being yelled, but still asks for a hug, do you dare to roar after knowing the truth?
The yelled baby in turn begged for a hug, and we must hug him at this time. Psychologists once did a "still face experiment", a mother and child first have a warm and pleasant interaction, and the child is very happy. Then let the mother enter a "static" state, no matter what the child does, the mother is expressionless, aware of the abnormal mother of the child, first tried to interact with the mother in various ways, but after two minutes still did not get the mother to respond, and cried.
Experimental data showed that during the few minutes when the mother was unresponsive, the child's heart beat faster, the stress hormones in the body increased, and if it persisted, the cells in the key parts of the child's brain would even die. The emotional response of parents is crucial for children.
A happy childhood heals a lifetime, and an unhappy childhood heals with a lifetime.
After being yelled, the child in turn asks for a hug, which is a manifestation of the child's extreme insecurity, he is afraid that his parents will no longer ignore him, afraid that his parents will no longer love her, and even afraid that his parents will leave, leaving him lonely. Hold him and tell your child that what you don't like is his behavior, not him. What we need to do is to defeat the problem with our child, not stand in opposition to your child and make him feel isolated. Let your child know clearly that your parents will always love you at all times.
When we are faced with a variety of anxious, maddening, and angry situations, as parents, we usually choose to "yell" to deal with our children's emotions.
Often "yell" the child, because of the fear of the parents' roar, the child may stop crying, only let the child's bad emotions accumulate or hide, but his inner negative emotions are not well released, once you encounter a similar situation of "ignition event", bad emotions will break out again in the same way.
Don't yell at your child without saying a word, the consequences are unimaginable.
(2) What harm will yelling at children cause to children?
(1) Roaring at children can easily lead to fear in children's hearts and extremely insecure.
Roaring at children is a manifestation of parents' inability to control emotions, but it only shows our authority, and our roaring will only make children feel afraid and begging, resulting in insecurity.
(2) Roaring at children leads to a sense of inferiority in children, lack of confidence in accidents, and easy to fall into the strange circle of learned helplessness.
Always yelled, the child is not recognized by the parents, no matter how hard he tries, he will not get the affirmation of his parents, and over time, he will break the jar and break, forming a child who is not as good as someone else's family, unable to see the meaning of effort, will form a subconscious of "I can't do it", and finally fall into the strange circle of learned helplessness.
(3) Shouting at children, leading to estrangement between parents and children.
People are eager to be noticed and loved, children are no exception, no one wants to hear others' roars, scolding every day, if they are yelled at all the time, children will close the door of their hearts, especially in adolescence, rather hide their negative emotions, rather than open their hearts to communicate with parents, because roaring again and again is pushing children further and further.
(3) How should parents correctly deal with their children's negative emotions?
First of all, we must sort out our emotions and don't be ignited by the emotions of our children.
Emotions are contagious, and our bad emotions can also affect children. If we vent our emotions in an inappropriate way, our children will learn the same. If we can manage our emotions well, even if negative emotions appear, we can accept them calmly, and take positive methods to release them reasonably, children will also learn from us positive ways to deal with bad emotions, so as to live peacefully with bad emotions and have a positive and healthy attitude.
Second, guide children to face their negative emotions.
For example, the child is running around indoors, accidentally bumps into the corner of the bookcase, the child is crying there, most parents will scold the child: "Look at you disobedient, running around, now it's okay, knocked right?" What to cry about, what is there to cry about? The child was yelled at by his mother, and he forced back his tears, but he was aggrieved in his heart but did not dare to shed tears.
If we encounter a similar situation, we can talk in a different way, such as holding the child's hand and saying, "You are sad that it just hurts, right?" Wa nodded aggrievedly, "It's normal for you to be sad, and if I hurt, I will also be sad, so it's not wrong for you to cry." After listening, the child knows that his emotions are being paid attention to, and he may not cry for a while.
We always prevent children from showing "vexatious" behavior due to poor emotions by denying and suppressing, in fact, children and adults, there will be times when they are depressed, and they also need to regulate and vent, if bad emotions are suppressed for a long time, over time, children will form immature psychological defense mechanisms.
When children have bad emotions, we need to understand them and let them know that whether they are happy or happy, angry or frustrated, it is normal. Only when the child faces his negative emotions from the heart and similar situations occur in the future, will he face his emotions calmly and calmly.
Finally, calmly guide your child to express emotions.
Children are young, usually can not accurately express emotions, anger, crying is undoubtedly their most direct way to express emotions, but we can not let children have negative emotions, can only through anger, crying, to meet their own needs.
We should teach children to express emotions correctly, for example, when a child cries because something does not meet his psychological expectations, we can tell him: "If you are upset, be brave and say it." ”
When guiding children to express emotions, our language should be concise and peaceful, rather than accusing the child with criticism of his emotions, such as: "What are you crying about, can't you say something?" "You get angry at every turn like this, and if you don't say it, how do I know what you think?" This kind of communication will only aggravate the negative emotions of children, and even more promote them to avoid and not want to talk to us.
If we asked in a calm tone, "Can you tell me why you're not happy today?" "Your concern will make your child feel that he is being noticed and understood, and he will be more willing to open his heart and share his emotions and feelings with you."
Violence and roar have become a nightmare for many children, and what you have done to your children will leave a mark on them.
I remember reading such a sentence: if you hit and scold the child, the child will not stop loving you, he can only stop loving himself. May our children be treated with tenderness from an early age.