If you want to destroy a child, you keep scaring him
Author: Hey Xiaoyu (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
See a heart-piercing video:
A man carried the ankles of a girl about three or four years old with one hand, hanging her entire body upside down the window.
The little girl's face was flushed, her hands danced in panic, trying to grab something that could save her life, trembling and crying loudly: "Dad! Father! ”
Who would have thought that the "father" who was called for help by her as a lifesaver was the man who put her in such a dangerous situation behind her back!
In the face of his daughter's crazy pleas for mercy under extreme fear, this father was not only unmoved, but also educated her in a stern tone:
"Why pee in the room and not go to the toilet? Will you dare next time? ”
Only his daughter cried louder.
According to witnesses, the whole process lasted two or three minutes, until finally the girl was crying and the father dragged the child back.
Some netizens said:
"God, it hurts to watch, how scared this kid must have been!"
"How big the psychological shadow of the child will be in the future!"
"Such an education method is perverted and brain-dead!"
"If you don't catch it, the consequences will be terrible!"
In the child's world, parents are all, they cannot distinguish the truth of the "intimidation" of adults;
In order to get the love of their parents, they are obedient and well-behaved and live cautiously.
Children who become well-behaved by intimidation are not really sensible, but afraid and compromised.
Intimidation is not education, it is the brutality of laziness of parents
For many parents, intimidating their children is a shortcut to education.
Coincidentally.
In January last year, Mianyang, Sichuan.
A father frightened a 13-year-old boy with a katana, only to have the child stabbed to death in an accident.
The father said that the boy's physical education test score was only 18 points, originally just to scare the child and ask him to study hard.
In May this year, the streets of Guangzhou.
A father raised a kitchen knife and slashed at his 12-year-old daughter in front of a large audience, causing the child to hold his head and cry.
The reason is that the daughter can't get the mobile phone to make a mood, and the father wants to teach her not to indulge in playing with the mobile phone by scaring the child.
In June this year, a community in Anhui.
A boy hid outside a burglar window for fear of punishment, and the child's mother jumped from the fifth floor with a wooden stick.
Afterwards, the child's mother said: "He was naughty, I just scared him with a stick." ”
Psychologist Dr. Susan Foward wrote in Poisoned Parents:
"The saddest thing is that I treat you as a parent, and you want to control me through intimidation and crush me with fear..."
No kind of intimidation can make a child look like he wants to be once and for all.
In the "Super Parent" program, 2-year-old Jia Jia refuses to eat well, often eating two bites and refusing to eat.
Whenever this happens, grandmother will bring a hanger and threaten Jia Jia while saying: "Do you want to eat?" If you don't eat, knock out two teeth", while raising the hanger to knock on Jiajia's mouth.
And her mother scare her even harder: "If you don't eat, I will prick you with a needle!" ”
Because of fear, Jia Jia had to compromise and let her grandmother stuff the food into her mouth while sobbing
But when the next meal arrived, everything returned to the original point, Jia Jia still refused to eat, and the intimidating education of her grandmother and mother was staged again...
One educator said: "Intimidation education, in essence, is a negative, negative evaluation guidance, which will cause children to have a confused sense of self." ”
When children are frightened, they are emotionally tense, it is difficult to distinguish reality from imagination, but they are trapped in an infinitely amplified fear, and they cannot hear the admonition of their parents, but they firmly remember the look of their parents when they roar.
Intimidation education can only allow children to mechanically obey the will of their parents in fear, rather than recognizing and correcting mistakes from the bottom of their hearts.
The "obedience" that is frightened is never really obedient.
Children will not be "scared" and well-behaved, but only "frightened"
In "Don't Think You'll Love Children", Grandma inadvertently says to the naughty little boy:
"If you disobey again, I will put you in the toilet and flush you."
The boy immediately became well-behaved, and since then, this sentence has become a killer tool for grandma, and it has been tried repeatedly.
But after a long time, bigger trouble came. The little boy no longer dared to urinate on the toilet, not even entering the bathroom.
Scaring children seems to be easy and labor-saving, but it also buries a lot of hidden dangers.
1. Children who are "scared" are insecure
There is such a case in "The Psychology of Positive Discipline":
Xiaodong is a somewhat naughty child, and his parents find it difficult to discipline him, often scaring him: "If you want to make trouble again, I don't want you." ”
But Xiaodong never took it seriously.
Until one time in the car, because he was crying and making a fuss, Dad actually stopped the car, left him alone on the side of the road, and walked away without looking back.
At that time, Xiaodong really thought that he was abandoned by his parents, and after being carried back to the car by his father, although he was so afraid that his whole body convulsed, he did not dare to make a little sound.
He no longer trusts his parents, worries all day that he will be left behind again, lacks security for a long time, and is greeted by sleeplessness, anxiety and sadness, and almost collapse.
If a sense of security is the foundation of children's growth, then parents are the most important source of security.
And parents scare again and again, it is overdrawing the child's trust and sense of security for themselves.
2. The more "scared" you are, the more rebellious the child is
Saw a video online:
The girl Li Zhuoqing's grades ranked fifty in the grade, but her mother was not satisfied, as long as her mother saw her playing with her mobile phone, she immediately took out the test paper and forced her to do it.
The girl went from boredom, anger, and extreme anger to violent tearing up of the workbook, and her mother still threatened her:
"I can't control you anymore, I'll go, divorce your father,"
When I was young, my mother's "three major scare tricks: running away from home, jumping off buildings, and divorce" worked very well.
Now, her daughter, who has entered adolescence, not only does not listen, but is more disgusted and rebellious, she said coldly: "Aren't you going to do these tricks, you divorce, you go!"
In front of the disappointed mother, is the daughter who is also disappointed in the mother.
When I was a child, I was afraid of my parents, and when I grew up, I would stay away from my parents.
3. When the child is "scared", he will really be scared out of the disease
American psychologists once conducted an experiment on acquiring sexual fear.
In the experiment box, two compartments were set up in black and white, and a mouse learned to run from the white compartment into the black compartment to avoid the electric shock by using the electric shock.
After stopping the shock, psychologists found that as soon as the mouse was put into the white compartment, it would have a reaction to being shocked: peeing, defecating, curling up ... Then run into the black compartment.
Experiments have proved that fear has strong resistance to regression, and once formed, it is not easy to disappear.
The language and behavior that parents often use to scare their children can plant fear in their children's hearts.
And always in fear, it will affect the "voltaic diaphragm" responsible for the transmission of happiness in the body.
In addition, it will be closely related to coronary heart disease, depression and other diseases in adulthood, and even the length of life.
A large number of data show that most adult mental illness is caused by some intimidation suffered in childhood, or special childhood experiences.
Some people say: parents are the first intimidators that children meet.
In the family language environment of intimidating parenting, children are often frightened, and children are timid; Often suppressed, the child rebels; Often threatened, the child becomes depressed ...
A child who is "frightened" is just a well-behaved "psychopath".
Do not intimidate children, how should they be educated
Wise parents never use the role of "bad guys" to educate their children, they know that the purpose of education is not to make children afraid, but to make children aware of problems and correct them.
Instead of intimidating children, do this:
1) Talk well with your child
Psychology has a "law of the south wind", which tells people that warmth is better than cold.
It is the same in parent-child communication, words with temperature are like a south wind, do not have to be hoarse, just soft, can blow into the child's heart, let the child feel respect and love.
In addition, parents can remember the 8 keywords of Nonviolent Communication:
Observation: Use observational language to describe the real situation to avoid negative emotions in the child.
Feelings: Allow yourself and your child to express feelings.
Needs: Understand your own and your child's needs and clearly express what you want from each other.
Request: Finally, say your specific request and what you want your child to do.
Sometimes, in another way, the child's feelings and changes after listening to it are very different.
Parents speak well, children can be obedient.
2) Be tolerant and allow children to make mistakes
See a share online:
When her daughter was three and a half years old, she often peed her pants, and her mother-in-law always intimidated the child:
"If you pee your pants, your mother will not only hit you, but also want you."
The child is too scared to urinate and cries whenever he wants to pee.
After netizens found out, they immediately comforted the child: "Baby, peeing your pants is not a big mistake, don't be afraid." ”
Then I sorted out a lot of pants with her favorite pattern with my child, and told her:
"If we could on the toilet and pee by ourselves, these beautiful pants wouldn't get wet!"
Within a few days, the child learned to urinate on the toilet by himself.
Jane Nelson said in Positive Discipline:
"Making mistakes is a great opportunity for children to learn. When children make mistakes, how to let children learn from mistakes is what we need to consider, not punishment. ”
More terrible than the mistake itself is the fear after the child makes a mistake, and the tolerance and understanding of parents make the child more courageous to face the mistake.
3) Empathy and empathy with children
Many problems are solved when we look at them from the perspective of the child's heart.
Once, actor Bao Wenjing's daughter dumplings refused to eat, Zhang Xinyi inadvertently said: "Peppa Pig also eats like this", and the dumplings immediately ate them.
Children's hearts are very simple, sometimes, they are not willing to eat, perhaps thinking:
I'm not hungry at all; I also want to play with the newly bought toys a little longer; I'm a little afraid of eating carrots, will I turn into a rabbit if I eat it...
Even if you say too much truth to your child, it can't resist the sentence: "Your feelings, I understand...", it is worth a thousand words!
Do not scare children, does not mean that parents have no prestige, patient communication, sincere acceptance, respect and understanding, more attention to ways and methods, children may be willing to change themselves from the bottom of their hearts.
Writer Suzen said: "The best way for parents to raise their children is to educate them without 'threatening' and 'authoritarian' attitudes." ”
All education should take place with love.
Give children unconditional love, not conditional repression;
Give the child patient guidance, not the threat of dancing teeth and claws;
Let children grow up in the sun, not in fear under violence.
I hope that every child can live calmly and calmly without fear.
About author: Hey Xiaoyu, Fushu columnist, a middle-aged mother who loves life and likes to write, believes in the power of words, dreams of becoming a warm and powerful person, article: parents read carefully, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, shall not be reproduced, infringement must be investigated
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