These six things, you can't say "no" to your child, the consequences are serious

A school in the United States wrote in a memorandum to parents:

"Don't spoil your children, they know very well that they don't deserve everything they ask for, and their vexatious behavior is just testing your attitude;

Don't be afraid to be fair to your children, it will make them feel safe;

Don't let your child develop bad habits, when you are young, your child depends on you to judge whether something is right or wrong. ”

Indeed, in the process of raising children, parents must learn to refuse.

Only when a child understands what principles are and what the bottom line is, can he achieve real growth.

But sometimes, we can't simply say "no" to our children.

Especially in the face of the following six things, parents must not hurt their children with rejection.

01

Don't reject your child's questions

Teacher Qin Chunhua, Dean of Peking University Examination Institute, once said:

"Peking University Ning recruits 5-year-old children who love to ask questions, and does not want to recruit top students who can only bury their heads in the exam with high scores."

One day, Teacher Qin's 5-year-old daughter suddenly asked him:

"Why did Sun Wukong see monsters, but Tang Monk saw children, old people, and women?"

In his opinion, with this question, he can completely recruit his daughter into Peking University.

Because all the core elements to be examined in college admissions, such as curiosity, critical thinking, and even philosophical speculation, are included in this valuable question.

Einstein also said: "A person who is always curious is a person who is always progressive." ”

So, as a parent, don't ignore your child's seemingly nonsensical questions.

Every question can be a starting point for a child to explore the world.

Chen Meiling, who sent all three sons to Stanford, also mentioned this when talking about her parenting experience:

"When your child asks you questions, don't make him wait."

Once, Chen Meiling was cooking vegetables, and her son came to her and asked, "Mom, why is the sky blue?" ”

She didn't know the answer, but turned off the fire as soon as possible and responded in time: "You asked this question very well, let's go find the answer together." ”

In Chen Meiling's view, cooking, cleaning, working... None of these things are as important as the child's questions at that moment.

Cherish every question of children and protect children's curiosity, so that they can break through their comfort zone and drive themselves to continue to grow.

02

Do not reject your child's emotions

Scholar Ma Weidu told such a story:

One day, he took his son to go shopping, and before going out, he made an agreement with his son not to buy toys today.

But when his son really saw the toys in the window, he still couldn't move his feet, arguing that he wanted to buy everything.

Ma Weidu felt that under the public, his son was crying like this and made him very uncomfortable, so he angrily yelled at his son: "I want to cry and go home and cry." ”

The son was frightened and obediently returned home.

Unexpectedly, after returning home, his son moved a small bench and sat in the living room crying loudly.

While crying, he also said: "When I grow up, I will never let my son suffer such a big grievance." ”

The book "Neglected Children" writes:

"A child's emotions are like flowing water, and the source is his heart.

If a barrier is placed in front of the water, the water either bypasses the barrier and changes the direction of flow, or it has to flow back to the source, which also means that the child will impose emotions on himself and hurt himself. ”

In fact, emotions themselves are harmless, and preventing children from expressing emotions is.

Next time, if you encounter a similar situation, parents may wish to try the following:

1. Divert your child's attention.

For example, use your child's favorite games or toys to calm your child down quickly;

2. Teach your child to breathe deeply.

Parents can guide their children like this: "Baby, I know you're angry right now, I have a good way, count from one to 10, try it..."

3. Give your child a big hug.

Psychology tells us that a hug heals 99% of sadness and relieves 120% of stress.

03

Don't refuse to let your child make his or her own decisions

Andrey, the son of writer Long Yingtai, once sent her a cartoon called "A Typical Conversation with a Mother" as a gift.

The content of the manga goes something like this:

I said, "Mom, I don't like fish. ”

She said, "It's tuna." ”

I said, "Thank you. I don't like fish. ”

She said: "I added celery. ”

I said, "I don't like fish. ”

"But eating fish is healthy," she said. ”

I said, "I know, but I don't like fish." ”

She said, "Just try it." ”

After I tasted a little, she asked, "How's it going, is it delicious?" ”

I said, "No, Mom, I really don't like fish." ”

She said, "Then try salmon next time." You don't eat much now, we're going to the restaurant anyway. ”

I said, "Okay, let's go." ”

She said again, "Don't you wear more clothes? ”

I said, "It's not cold outside. ”

She said, "I'll help you get one?" ”

I said, "I just went out, Mom, it's really not cold at all. ”

She said, "Oh, okay. It will get cold in a while, you insist so much, wait and see, you will freeze to death later. ”

In life, many children are not allowed to make their own decisions.

When they are young, they can't choose the clothes they like, the peers they socialize with, and the interest classes they want to go to; When they grow up, they can't choose the profession they are interested in, the job away from home, or the life of their dreams.

However, as Taiwanese scholar Li Chongjian said:

"A chicken has been kept in a cage for a long time, and after it is released, it is not very good at walking.

Similarly, a child is often prescribed to do this and that, and one day you give him freedom, and he doesn't know what he wants. ”

Parents are umbrellas, and children can only be chickens for the rest of their lives.

If you want your child to become a mountain, let go from this moment and let him make his own choices.

04

Do not refuse your child to be nice to you

Writer Bi Shumin once asked a group of children: "Do you feel that life is very happy?" ”

The children pouted in unison, indicating that they did not feel it.

Even though Bi Shumin repeatedly guided, parents worked hard for them, washed and cooked, the children still insisted: "What is that, who let them be parents?" ”

Seeing this, many people may think that children are born white-eyed wolves.

But when she asked the children, "When do you feel like someone loves you?" ”

The answer was this:

"I helped my mother buy vinegar, and when she saw that my bottle was not broken and the vinegar was not spilled, she said, 'My daughter can help my mother work', and I was very happy to know that she loved me;

When Dad came home from work, I poured him a glass of water, and when Dad said to me, 'Good son', I felt that he loved me;

I put a flower in my grandmother's ear, and she said, 'This is my granddaughter's dress,' and I thought she loved me the most..."

At this moment, she discovered that children can only feel the meaning of life when they are needed by others.

Many parents have long been accustomed to paying for their children, and when their children want to help wash the dishes, parents wave their hands and say: "Go and go, you don't need to make a mess here";

The child wanted to help his parents carry something, and the parents grabbed it and said: "Little ancestor, just go your way" ...

Over time, children naturally take their parents' efforts for granted.

In fact, the best love for children is never simple care and care, but to create more opportunities for children to give and give, so that love can flow between two generations.

05

Do not reject your child's fear

How do you answer a child when he says, "Mom, I'm afraid..."?

Whether to comfort him "don't be afraid" and "it's okay", or to ridicule him as "cowardly" and "unproductive", or to encourage him to "be brave as a manly husband".

But either way, it is essentially denying the child's true feelings, making the already scared child even more helpless.

According to the book "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist", human beings are born with 4 basic emotions: happiness, anger, sadness, and one thing, fear.

Fear can put our body and mind into a state of high alertness at the same time in order to cope with possible dangers.

So, instead of denying their children's fears, what parents should really do is accept their emotions.

Li Songwei, a doctor of psychology at Peking University, told a story:

When he sent his daughter to learn to swim, he found that his 9-year-old daughter was very afraid of water and refused to enter the water if she said anything.

The more the coach told her not to be afraid, the more counterproductive.

At this time, he recalled that at the beginning, his daughter was not so afraid of swimming, but after several choking and correction by the coach, she became more and more afraid.

"If I say to my daughter at this point, 'Come on, you can' or 'Nothing scary,' she may suppress her fears for a while;

But soon she will see that others swim better than her, and she is wrong again, and she will only be more anxious and fall into the cycle of constantly choking water..."

So, Li Songwei quietly told her daughter a secret: "Everyone has to be afraid of swimming 100 times, you are afraid more than a dozen times now, and you can learn it if you are afraid more than 80 times." ”

It was this sentence that made the daughter realize that everyone would be afraid, which was not a shame, and gradually opened the knot in her heart.

When parents learn to accept their children's emotions, children will have the confidence to face their fears, and changes will come quietly.

06

Do not refuse that children have secrets

A psychological counselor once told a real case:

Since her son Xiaojun entered junior high school, his mother has always worried that his child will become bad.

Often eavesdropping on Xiaojun's phone calls, following his son on his way to school, interrogating his child's new friends, and even secretly looking through his bag and checking his letters after the child falls asleep...

Even if Xiaojun objected in every way, my mother still said that:

"I'm your mother, what can't I see, even you were born to me, I'm not doing this for your own good?"

Once, my mother was peeking at Xiao Jun's diary again and was bumped by Xiao Jun.

An unprecedented clash broke out between the mother and son, and during the quarrel, Xiaojun angrily tore his diary to pieces and snatched the door out.

Since then, he seems to have changed as a person:

Silent, withdrawn, and even searching the Internet for a "blue whale game" about suicide...

In this regard, the counselor told the mother:

Everyone has their own psychological boundaries, like a "psychological wall" to protect themselves.

If parents ignore their children's privacy and forcibly peek into their children's secrets, their psychological boundaries will be broken.

In fact, privacy is the key to children's development of independent personality, and it is also the source of their inner security and sense of belonging.

And a good parent-child relationship must have a sense of proportion.

Respect the child's privacy, leave a free corner for the child's heart, and what the child returns to you will be an independent personality and a free soul.

07

Seen such a sentence:

"The meaning of parenthood is not to give their children a comfortable and prosperous life.

But when children think of their parents, their hearts will be full of strength, they will feel warmth, so that they will have the courage and ability to overcome difficulties, so as to obtain real joy and freedom in life. ”

Sometimes, not easily rejecting a child is to leave a seed of hope in the child's heart.

One day, this seed will grow into a towering tree, protecting our children to grow into brave and resilient adults, fearless of wind and frost.