The "terrible" 14-year-old phenomenon will occur to boys and girls: parents must be willing to let go
Author: The main creative group Hehe
Recently, I was poked by the words of the psychological counselor Chang Jun.
When his daughter was 14, he said, she wouldn't talk to him about anything.
The daughter closed the door every day, and there was a painting with the words "flammable and explosive, idlers are not allowed to enter" on the door.
Seeing this scene, Teacher Chang Jun said "haha" to himself in his heart.
At first, I didn't understand: children don't want to communicate, why do they have to say to themselves haha!
Only then did I understand that this "haha" is not for children, but for yourself.
British scientists have confirmed that 14-year-old children are more enthusiastic about stimulating dangerous behaviors, and are most likely to fight, rebel, learn badly, and are unwilling to communicate with their parents.
For example: you let him go east, and he goes west.
As soon as parents speak, the child's answer is: no, no, no...
When we hear our children say "no," we should rejoice: as our children grow up, their self-awareness begins to awaken and they want to create their own world.
Sadly, not all parents can catch the message of their child's development.
When it catches, the child has a new vitality; Can't catch it, growth is a poison for children.
Personality rebellion is the child's search for self-balance for growth
There is a term in psychology called "dependent symbiosis", one party for various reasons, can not survive independently, but depends on the other.
The other party, on the other hand, fulfills or enjoys the dependence of the other party, takes excessive or coercive care of the other party, and thus obtains a sense of value or control of "being needed".
In this way, the two establish a symbiotic relationship of dependency.
For example, I often hear mothers say to their children: "This is not good for you, that is not good, what should I do when I grow up?" ”
And at the age of 14, it is the child's personality transition window, the hormones and adrenal hormones in the body surge, the strength becomes stronger, the energy is full, and it becomes aggressive.
They are more eager to get attention from the outside world than to control, and they are no longer good babies in the traditional sense.
Blindly asking the child to be obedient as before, the child will resist and show symbiotic strangling.
But the child resists without any hostility or malice.
It's just that the child is struggling to find himself and define himself.
Although he resisted his parents, he still loved his parents deeply.
The book "Your 13-14 Year Old" records this story:
14-year-old Arthur, because of a small matter, broke out with his parents and went to school angrily.
To ease the awkward atmosphere, Arthur's mother bought a shirt that Arthur had always wanted.
After school, Arthur left his bag heavily on the bed and ignored his parents.
Seeing his favorite shirt, Arthur rushed to his mother, kissed her fiercely, and then apologized to her mother for the morning, and said, "Oh my God! I'm such a useless thing, aren't I? ”
Although Arthur rebelled against his parents, deep down, Arthur loved his parents deeply, just as he knew that his parents had always cared about him.
However, when conflicting with parents, how to better control their emotions and expression is a hurdle faced by children, but in the end it is "defined rebellion".
They are trying to balance the tearing between being themselves and taking care of their parents' feelings.
Aggressive growth and rough expression are the growth characteristics of children at this stage, and they are also a result of children's inner resistance.
The so-called resistance is not to love, but to grow up in a way that respects oneself more.
Countering violence with violence is the beginning of tragedy
Gibran wrote in The Prophet: "Children are not your children. They are children of life's desire for itself, and they are born through you, but they do not come from you. ”
I think so!
Parents are the guides of their children, not their controllers.
Now is no longer the era when children are beaten up to grow up.
But not all parents really understand this sentence.
I see too many examples of children who end up doing things out of line due to their parents' improper handling.
Disgust with school, running away, missing contact, self-harm, etc., things that have not been heard of or seen, children can do now.
Not long ago, Xiaofan, a 14-year-old girl in Beijing, got up early the next day because she slept too late the day before, and rubbed for a while.
The parents were in a hurry and went into the house to drop Xiao Fan's things.
Xiao Fan felt aggrieved, ran out alone on the subway at six o'clock in the morning, and did not go to school or contact his family all day.
Fortunately, Xiaofan was lucky and met comrades of the people's police. Under the enlightenment of the police, Xiao Fan eliminated his resentment towards his father.
The child's three views have not yet taken shape, the childishness has not been taken off, and the judgment is sandwiched.
Parents use a cold tone to impose their will on their children, and children not only cannot understand, but also easily lead to tragedy.
Remember the child who jumped to his death after being slapped by his mother?
Also 14 years old, second year of junior high school, because he played poker with classmates at school, he was asked by the school to invite parents.
After the child's mother arrived at school, she slapped the child in front of the child's classmates without asking why.
After the mother left, the child jumped off the parapet wall of the classroom while no one was paying attention, and died due to serious injuries.
I can't imagine how desperate this child must be before jumping off the building.
Since it has become a fact, why can't you communicate well with your child?
At the very least, pay attention to the occasion, protect the child's dignity, and give the child a chance to explain.
Jung once said, "A healthy man does not torment others." ”
Making trouble and making mistakes is never an excuse for children not to learn well.
The attitude of parents is the vane of children's destiny.
Make yourself yourself and allow your child to be a child
At the age of 14, the half-ripe stage of life, ripe like raw rice.
With the physique of an adult, and the mania of youth, there is less of an adult mind.
It is this pulling age characteristic that makes children get along with their parents and double their twists.
Do yourself well and give children enough space to shake the river in their hearts.
1) Clear the bottom line and let the child know the boundaries of behavior
In "Mencius Leaves Lou Xia", it is said: "People have to do nothing, and then they can do something." ”
Knowing what can't be done is better knowing what can be done.
I always think that when the child grows up, it will be good, and it will be reasonable.
However, children who do not know the rules and the bottom line will not grow up.
14-year-old children, whose values are unstable and eager to explore the world, need clear rules and bottom lines to support children's behavior.
For example, you can tell your child, "You can not be well-behaved, but you can't learn badly." ”
Specifically:
(1) cannot affect their own safety;
(2) Do not violate the provisions of the law;
(3) Do not affect the interests of others, etc.
Less and clear, easy to operate, of course, you need to negotiate with the child.
With a bottom line, there is a range.
Within the red line, children can explore, practice and discover the world to their heart's content.
After all, freedom with constraints is true freedom.
Believe, children will also benefit for life.
2) Accept the child's present moment and give love and attention
Zhou Guoping said: "Loving children is an instinct, and respecting children is a kind of upbringing. ”
The child is a mirror of the parents, you cry to him, he cries, you smile at him, he laughs.
The fact that the child is different indicates that the role model is biased.
Be a good observer of your child and reflect on yourself in time to help your child get back on track.
Netizen @Dr. Dawang once shared his father's education from a rebellious teenager to a doctor of the Chinese Academy of Sciences.
He used to fall in love, skip class, play games, fight, and was reprimanded by the head teacher in front of his father: "This child is finished." ”
But the father did not refute it.
Once, when he went to the Internet café as usual, and was playing with friends, his father stood behind him for ten minutes and walked away silently.
Looking at his son, playing in the Internet café, the father was angry, disappointed, and heartache, but the father kept his emotions to himself.
Before going to school the next day, the father gave the child a letter in which the father spoke of his love for his son and reflected on his education in warm words.
And said: The teacher gave up on you, it's not that you're bad, it's just that you're lost now, and your parents will still take you home.
Later, his father would write him a letter every week.
Inspired by his father, he embarked on the road of life.
When the child is lost, maintain the child's dignity, tolerate the child's paranoia, and be a good guide for the child.
Only by accepting the current situation of children can we accompany children to face the ups and downs of life together.
3) Be yourself and unbind your child's spirit
A statistic from the Institute of Education of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences shows that on the mainland, the proportion of accompanying children is getting higher and higher.
Unfortunately, more parents are "accompanied" to their children in every detail, forgetting to "read" their children's hearts.
Parents sacrifice their self-growth and put all their energy into their children, which not only does not relax the child, but increases the mental pressure of the child in disguise.
Children will think that they are not good enough, it is their own reason, causing their parents to not be better themselves.
And what children want is not the eyes of their parents, but the energy from their parents.
I have seen a story: a 51-year-old mother, who studied with her child, was finally admitted to graduate school, and her child was also admitted to a good school.
Parents have light, children have strength.
You will be what kind of person you want your child to become.
Do yourself well in order to become the child's neck and promote the child's success.
Written at the end:
Writer Liu Qing said: "Although the road of life is long, the key is often only a few steps, especially when people are young.
And 14 years old is a watershed in life, the golden period of leap, and it is also a stage where children are generally confused.
We want our children to take this crucial step of walking well and steadily, and it is useless to go head-to-head.
Educating children is not a competition, there is no winning or losing, there is an infection of one cloud pushing another.
In the face of such and such problems for 14-year-old children, effective education is to give children enough respect, growth companionship, love wisdom guidance, tolerance of children, and accompany children to grow up slowly.
Children are the most beautiful music for parents. Parents are the eternal background of children.