Text | Rice grain mother
A few days ago, a mother in Luzhou, Sichuan Province, opened the seal of her daughter's file bag.
When the daughter saw it, her emotions suddenly became tense, and she shouted: "Mom, mom!" You can't open it, and if you open the school, you won't accept it! ”
The sound was so loud that it even scared the little sister next to him.
But the child's mother acted lightly, saying that she didn't know if she could open it, just to see what was inside. Found that it was all files, so I didn't touch it.
The daughter was so anxious that tears were about to fall, but her mother completely ignored her and went straight into the kitchen.
Even the mother posted the video on the Internet herself, complaining that her daughter was the "eldest miss" and blaming her for scaring her sister.
Seeing the video, Mi Gran's heart was about to explode. It's really "the ignorant are not guilty", this mother does not know that an unintentional act of her own may ruin her daughter!
You know, the file bag, except for the staff in the file room, even I have no right to open it.
This is because archives are confidential documents, and only units with personnel management authority have the right to open them, and other units and individuals are not allowed to open them. Once the seal is opened, the validity of the file will be lost, which will have an impact on the child's future education, public examination, and employment.
So what if like this mother in Luzhou accidentally unsealed the file bag?
The Central Broadcasting Network gave authoritative guidance: if you accidentally remove the seal on the file bag, you need to go to the relevant unit to reattach the seal and seal it. Previously, which unit was stamped on the seal, you had to go to which unit.
However, the process is risky. Because it is difficult to verify whether the content in the file has been replaced or whether the document is missing, the authenticity cannot be guaranteed. Some formal companies, especially professions such as civil servants, require individuals to provide sealed, complete files.
Think about it in another way, a child who has just studied in college, because her mother did a wrong action, she may not be able to go to a good unit and pass the civil service exam in the future, how broken her mood should be!
What makes Mother Migrain feel speechless is that ignorant people like this are not alone.
In the comment area of the hot search, some parents commented: "Don't say it, I took it apart myself, I thought it was in my hands, I can always watch it." ”
I don't understand, doesn't the seal on that file have the words "Do not open"? Can't these people see such a big word?
Some netizens also want to "whitewash" the mother in Luzhou, blaming her daughter for putting such important things everywhere.
But Migrain's mother wanted to ask again, in addition to the four big words "Do not open" written on the file bag, the child's name would definitely be written. Shouldn't you ask someone else and get permission before dismantling someone's things?
In the end, it is still a problem that parents have no sense of boundaries for their children. In the eyes of some parents, the child was born to me, and how can I not disassemble or see her things?
Whether it is a file bag, a child's courier, a mobile phone, or a diary, many parents want to see it, without respecting their children's privacy, let alone have a sense of boundaries.
Take this mother in Luzhou, for example, you can see the flowing action when she opened the file bag, and the uncaring look after being reprimanded by her daughter, you can see that she does not take her child's privacy seriously at all.
Unfortunately, there are too many such parents.
Statistics show that more than 70% of parents have peeked at their children's mobile phones or chat records.
In the eyes of parents, they only do this to care about their children's inner world, afraid that their children will go crooked. But what they don't know is how much psychological trauma their behavior will cause to their children.
Many parents don't think that there is anything wrong with looking at their children's mobile phones, and they also find reasons for themselves: "I am for her good, I am afraid that she will learn badly", "What privacy does the little fart have", "Look at a diary and be so angry, really hypocritical!" ”
There are even more excessive parents, even if they pry into privacy, they will forcibly meddle in their children's affairs. As we shared in the article before: the mother tampered with her child's college entrance examination volunteers, causing the child to regret for life.
What these parents don't know is that even the youngest child will have his own psychological boundaries. Whether it is prying into privacy or meddling in private affairs, it is actually violating the psychological boundaries of children.
In order to maintain their psychological boundaries, children tend to fight back in a fierce way or become rebellious; Either fall into a self-enclosed black hole, or even take revenge on your parents by self-destruction.
More seriously, parents have no sense of boundaries, which can also affect children's mental health and parent-child relationships.
Lawrence Steinberg, a professor of psychology at Temple University in the United States, pointed out: "Numerous studies have shown that those who are spied on by their parents in childhood are more likely to suffer from mental illness. Part of the reason for this is that parental snooping erodes a child's confidence in his or her own abilities and autonomy. ”
Skyler Hawk, a social psychologist at Hong Kong's Chinese University, believes that children need a certain amount of autonomy, and if parents do not have a sense of boundaries, they may no longer trust their parents, even if they have something in their hearts, they will not tell their parents.
I don't know if you find it, many children dare not tell their parents when they encounter trouble. Even some children have committed suicide, and parents still think that children are usually quite well-behaved, and they can't see anything abnormal at all.
I can't help but ask, aren't parents the strongest backing for their children? Why do children encounter difficulties in life but are unwilling to talk to their parents, and have to carry everything themselves?
One of the possible reasons is that some parents infringe on their children's psychological boundaries at will in their daily life, causing their children's rebellion. The child will think: The more you want to know what I'm thinking, the more you want to meddle in my affairs, the more I don't want to tell you.
In fact, as parents, instead of secretly prying into our children's privacy and meddling in their children's private affairs, we should communicate with our children frankly.
Rice grain mother once saw such a true story on the Internet:
There is a girl who has excellent grades since she was a child, but her grades have fallen particularly fast after her third year of high school.
Combined with the child's usual performance, the father has some doubts in his heart: the child may be in early love.
But this wise father did not peep into the child's privacy, nor did he inquire with the child's teachers and classmates at will, but invited his daughter to a café and chatted with the child casually like a friend.
When the child's guard was lowered, the father asked bluntly: "Say, who is the person who made you swoon and fell from the heavy line to the specialist line?" ”
The daughter was stunned at first, then sighed, and said bitterly: "It's our class leader, but he can't look at me at all." ”
Although when his daughter said this, his father was as uncomfortable as eating a fly, he still calculated with his daughter like a friend: "Do you want Dad to analyze it for you from a man's point of view, why can't your class leader look at you?" ”
Then, Dad helped her analyze it seriously:
"Most men like the type of bird, and if you want to catch up with the squad leader, you have to get up every morning for a morning jog to lose weight."
After that, Dad talked about the inside from the outside:
"In addition to the external image, you also have to have an inner temperament, read more books, and hone your strengths. You also have to make yourself competent, first let him admire you. You see that your grades are so far away from the class president now, don't say love, even friendship is a luxury. ”
Dad's words reached the girl's heart. Since that day, her daughter insisted on morning running, studying, and practicing her specialties accompanied by her father, and finally she was admitted to the Communication University of China with a good score of 639 points, and there were many people chasing her.
After reading this story, Mother Mi couldn't help but praise this wise father.
He not only respected the child's psychological boundaries, but also was able to communicate with the child on an equal footing like a friend, and finally went to the child's heart and successfully intervened in a crisis.
It reminds me of Grandma Miri, who, when I was in upper elementary school, mysteriously handed me a diary, still the kind with a lock, and said, "You are old enough to record your secrets, we won't look at them anyway." ”
Give empathy and trust, which is the foundation of the parent-child relationship.
Remember the book "Limited Discipline" that says: "99% of parenting problems stem from parents' lack of a sense of boundaries." ”
In the eyes of parents who lack a sense of boundaries, the child is only an extension of their life, not an equal individual with an independent personality.
Wise parents, on the other hand, can realize that their children are not accessories of their parents, but that they have independent personalities and their own talents and missions.
Such parents will not only respect the ownership of the child's belongings, but will not flip through the child's things without obtaining the child's consent; And it will also respect the child's independent thinking, do not interfere too much in the child's private affairs, so that they have the right to choose their own life.
Because they believe that love with boundaries is by no means indifferent, nor does it ignore children, but accompanies children with a more mature mentality.
Finally, let's end the article with a letter from Hu Shi to children:
"I'm not your prequel, and you're not my sequel.
You are an individual, a soul different from me.
You did not come because of me, you came because of the desire for life.
You are free and I love you;
But I will never take control of your life "in the name of love." ”
About author:@米粒妈爱分享 (welcome to pay attention), American returnees, Haidian parents, when the first place in the new book list "Parent-child English Books that Affect Children's Life" author. Focus on the scientific upbringing, learning enlightenment, and novel good things around the world, welcome to follow! (5-12 years old mother, please pay attention: @米粒妈频道)