Wen | Xu Keying Shen Qiuyue
"If I can make the list, I will make my story public." Xu Zeyan silently made a bet with himself. For more than two decades, no one has heard her story except a few of her best friends.
In December last year, the list was announced. Xu Zeyan won the bet. Standing in the spotlight, she finally had the confidence to turn her dusty memories over. So, she wrote her own story in the Science column, like prying open a bottle of fermented can for many years, with mixed flavors.
The young girl, born in 1994, has two versions of her resume:
"Chinese-American, doctoral student at Columbia University, co-founder of technology company, has been on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list."
"First-generation immigrants, victims of domestic violence, family members of depressed patients, have a history of homelessness in a foreign country."
Obviously, this is a two-sided life full of thorns, and it is also a growth myth that turns against the wind. As she herself wrote at the end of the article: "I have been studying for a PhD for 6 years and am proud of my personal and academic achievements. Although I will still encounter some difficulties, I no longer feel uneasy. On the contrary, I now have the confidence to face my weaknesses and take comfort in what makes me different. ”
Xu Zeyan was interviewed by China Science News and told us her story in full.
Emma Xu aboard Forbes
Desire for survival
In 1994, Xu Zeyan was born in Nanjing, Jiangsu Province. Unlike other children, she spent her childhood amidst endless arguments and domestic violence by her parents. When he was in the first grade of elementary school, Xu Zeyan's parents divorced.
Her mother later remarried and married an American. When Zehiko was 15 years old, his stepfather insisted on bringing his wife and stepdaughter back to China. My mother thought that going to a foreign country might be a new beginning.
That year, Xu Zeyan had just finished junior high school, and he had no concept of the future, let alone the power to choose. In a hurry, I followed my mother and stepfather to that strange land, full of expectations for the upcoming foreign life.
After coming to the United States, his stepfather took them to a small town in Texas. Zeyan and his mother discovered that the good days were all fantasies. The stepfather's financial situation was poor, there was no stable income, and the family rented a small apartment, with living standards hovering below the poverty line.
What's even more frightening is that the stepfather gradually exposed his unbearable side. Not only alcoholic, but also perverse and violent. After a long period of abuse and mental devastation, Zeyan's mother suffered from severe depression. This is the third year that they have come to a foreign country full of hope, and everything is falling mercilessly in the opposite direction.
At that time, Xu Zeyan was only a teenager, but he had already experienced torture unimaginable to his peers in his life. In order to support her family, Zeyan has been working odd jobs since she was 16 years old to earn money, and she does not dare to stop or confess her true situation to her friends.
She worked as a waitress in a restaurant, a saleswoman in a clothing store, and a teacher in a kindergarten, while also focusing on her studies. Originally excellent in China, she was disheartened by various setbacks in her schoolwork due to the language barrier.
After graduating from high school, Xu Zeyan came to the crossroads of life. Her stepfather warned her that she could only afford her college in town, and Zehiko relented. She went to a community college in town, a school that didn't even have a physics major.
However, the stepfather did not fulfill his promise. At the same time, her mother, who was deteriorating, had to be admitted to the hospital. Zeyan, who was only 18 years old, left the place that did not feel like home.
"I fled that dark apartment with a box of essentials and vowed never to go back." Zehiko then fell into another bottomless pit - she truly fell into homelessness.
After going to college, Xu Zeyan had to earn more money to support himself. She worked day and night, even if she earned only $7 an hour. What a dim time it was, Zehiko didn't want to say more.
Until now, it was difficult for her to come out of that shadow. She often recalled those times, but she was always overwhelmed by an incomprehensible numbness. Maybe it's a time when you don't even have time to remember how you feel.
"The desire for survival, that's all I can describe." Xu Zeyan pouted.
It's hard for others to understand what it's like to be without a home. During the period of his departure, Zeyan worked part-time in addition to classes. She is afraid of the arrival of night, because once it falls, it means helplessness and lies.
Classmates and friends knew nothing about Xu Zeyan's situation. She is still a girl with a sensitive heart, how can she make her predicament public? Most of the time, the desperate Zeyan lives in a government-specific shelter for women and children who have suffered domestic violence, and his address is kept secret.
Once, Mr. Xu went to a restaurant to apply for a part-time waiter, and the restaurant asked her to fill out an application form. Zeyan had no choice but to leave the "address" column empty. The restaurant manager was tough, thinking she was unresponsive or unable to understand English, so she screamed: "I'll tell you to fill in the address, don't you even know where you live?" ”
The long-accumulated grievances were like squeezed fruit, and they instantly sprayed on the heart. Sawahiko's tears began to roll up, and he had to tell the manager the truth about his situation. Fortunately, I finally got the understanding of the other party and got this job.
A lot of things are vividly remembered. Danzawa rarely sheds tears because there is no time. She was going to be busy keeping herself alive.
When she really had nowhere to live, she would find all kinds of excuses to ask friends for help, occasionally sleeping in someone's couch or in the back seat of a car in the parking lot. Parking lots are often lonely late at night. The teenage girl is wrapped in the pitch black of chaos, tired and helpless. Swallowed tears into his stomach.
Despite this, Xu Zeyan never neglected his studies. She vaguely understood that perhaps knowledge was her only hope of getting out of her predicament.
Zehiko is determined to leave the town that has broken her heart. Due to his excellent grades in his freshman year, Zehiko received a full scholarship from the University of Texas at Dallas. The opportunity was just around the corner, and Zehiko chose to seize it. If the last time was an escape, this time it was Goofy.
So she took her mother, who had just been discharged from the hospital, to Dallas.
Redemption
At UT Dallas, Zehiko found his own light source. She developed a keen interest in physics and made a group of like-minded friends in the physics department. In addition, Xu Zeyan was elected as the president of the Physics Student Council.
While talking to this new group of friends, Zehiko heard about "research" for the first time and yearned for it. Despite knowing nothing about academics, she knew that in order to do "research," she had to find a mentor to get her started. However, who would be willing to accept a student like her, who has no foundation?
Miracles are often born in desperate situations. This is not a philosophical quote, but a true portrayal of Xu Zeyan's life. No matter how difficult this matter is, as long as it is an opportunity, she will firmly grasp it and never let go.
No one wanted to take her, so she searched for her in the physics department. Explain the situation to one teacher after another and show your determination to do scientific research.
Ultimately, this dedication impressed Robert Wallace, a professor in the Department of Materials Science and Engineering. Wallace showed her around his lab, and Sawa immediately became intrigued by the different shapes of the instruments inside. Accustomed to the work of waiters and workers, she admires the researchers in white lab coats and shuttling between various high-end instruments.
It's so cool, life can still be like this, Zeyan thought. "At that time, I made up my mind to learn physics well and take the road of scientific research." At that time, Xu Zeyan did not realize that academia would become her salvation in this life.
However, Wallace did not hire her immediately. As a condition, he made a request to Sawahiko: At the end of the school year, Sawahiko's GPA must be above 3.5.
Xu Zeyan became more diligent. In order to make up for her foundation defects, she worked exponentially. Spend all your spare time on self-study, reading, reading literature, and doing experiments. Eventually, her academic year GPA exceeded 3.7, and Professor Wallace fulfilled his promise and accepted her.
Wallace is a noble person in Xu Zeyan's life and a leader in her scientific research. As a result, Zeyan's long and bleak life gradually surfaced.
Xu Zeyan at the Wallace lab
Due to economic conditions, Zeyan, who has never been out of Texas, finally has the opportunity to see the outside world. During the summers of her sophomore and junior years, she applied for research opportunities at other universities in the United States, doing projects at the Georgia Institute of Technology and then at UC Berkeley.
In his spare time, Zehiko often travels to enjoy the customs and customs of different cities. She realized that she had never really understood the country. The mood became opener, and the ambition in my heart burned completely.
Research has opened a whole new window for her to see a bigger world and imagine a better future. During his years in Dallas, Zehiko became more determined to go to bigger cities and do something valuable to society.
Xu Zeyan did summer research at UC Berkeley in his junior year
But she also often felt uneasy. At the time, a physics professor liked to show off his son's childhood photo with a Nobel Prize winner, bragging about how his son began to learn science in high school. I always worried that I would start late and that my scientific career would fail. ”
As a result, scientific research has become Xu Zeyan's "safe haven". Whenever she feels uneasy or confused, she devotes herself to work more completely, emptying her brain to embrace physics, to embrace the truth that lurks in the universe. Gradually, those negative thoughts are washed away by pure joy and fulfillment.
In 2015, Zehiko completed his undergraduate studies one semester ahead of schedule and received his long-awaited bachelor's degree in physics.
Due to his early graduation, Zehiko chose to work for a start-up company for a while. This experience led her to an interest in entrepreneurship. A year later, dissatisfied with the status quo, Sawahiko decided to return to academia. She stood out from countless competitors and successfully applied for a national scholarship and received an offer for a master's degree and doctoral degree in the Department of Mechanical Engineering of Columbia University.
After being admitted to Columbia, Zeyan took his mother to New York. She didn't know that her own gorgeous play had just been staged.
Since moving to Dallas, Zeyan has been dependent on his mother. After her health improved, her mother also returned to work, trying to share some of the financial pressure for her daughter
For so many years, Zeyan never blamed his mother. On the contrary, her mother is the person she is closest to and wants to thank the most.
"She brought me to the United States, and despite some storms, she is also the only strength for me to put down roots and grow here." Zeyan lowered his eyes, his voice trembling slightly.
At the beginning of his return to campus, Zeyan was still having a hard time. "Since I worked outside for a while, I forgot a lot of knowledge and changed my major, so I had to learn a lot from scratch." For a long time, she could not find the state of learning, nor did she find a research direction that she was interested in.
At the same time, feelings are also haunting her. Zehiko had a boyfriend who was in a different place at the time. The other party not only did not encourage her to chase her dreams, but also repeatedly advised her not to study for a PhD. He hopes that Zehiko can stay by his side and be a virtuous wife. After thinking about it again, Zehiko chose to break up.
The most desperate trough has survived, what difficulties can defeat me? Xu Zeyan often suggests himself. Besides, scientific research is her passion. After getting out of the quagmire of feelings, Zeyan has only one goal: to do scientific research well.
The wind does not favor the aimless. "When you're strong enough about your goals, you'll find solutions to your problems and people will be willing to help you." Zehiko recalled.
A group photo of Xu Zeyan and Nobel laureate Joachim Frank
In his second year, Zehiko joined Professor P. James Schuck's lab, the potential is further opened. With the support of her supervisor, she published three papers in two years, including a study on the "photon avalanche" that appeared on the cover of Nature. In addition, Zeyan has also applied for a number of invention patents.
In order to better apply the scientific results, Zeyan and his mentor co-founded a company called Avant Photonics, and he served as CEO. She wants to work hard to build high-energy and low-cost infrared detectors.
The symphony finally comes to its climax. In December 2022, Forbes announced the list of outstanding scientists under 30 in North America, and Xu Zeyan is one of them.
Xu Zeyan at the Forbes award ceremony
Returning on a snowy night
The 6 years at Columbia University were the highlight of Xu Zeyan's life. Here, she has achieved herself, strengthened her direction, and regained a long-lost sense of security. She plans to graduate this fall with her PhD.
Like Cinderella finally wearing a well-fitting crystal shoe, scientific research has also plated a layer of clear and visible starlight for Zehiko, who is hard to find.
It's just that when he thinks of his ex-boyfriend, Zeyan is still a little afraid. If she had chosen between studying and a guy who didn't really love her, she would never have had the opportunity to realize how much potential she had in research.
"I hope that girls can bravely choose the future that suits them and put their future first." Zehiko finally laughed.
Xu Zeyan at Columbia
As in the American movie "Stormy Harvard Road", the protagonist Liz confessed from the bottom of her heart: "Please don't close your eyes, the opportunity will appear in the next second." In the face of harsh realities, we should move forward. ”
The same is true of Xu Zeyan's life. "I want to do everything well, because I am afraid that if I slack, I will return to the old days of homelessness."
Maybe she hasn't had time to realize that the wind and snow are at ease, and it is no longer human.