I saw someone asking, "What should I do if I improve myself through hard work, but find that my girlfriend is not suitable for me?"
I have been with my girlfriend for nearly a year, and both parties used to be the type of good food and laziness, empty dreams and no action.
So last June I made up my mind to change myself, and after half a year of hard work, whether it was knowledge, insight, or dealing with people, I had a certain change in terms of personal image.
But my girlfriend didn't change, and slowly I found that we are not suitable in various aspects now, but the relationship between the two parties is good, so I am very confused. ”
Similar questions often appear on social platforms, "Is your boyfriend not motivated, do you want to break up?" "My wife lies flat at home every day, not working hard at all, what if I want to divorce?" ......
You will also find that there is no shortage of "enthusiastic" netizens in the reply area to persuade them to leave.
"Self-motivation" seems to be a criterion that everyone will have in choosing a mate, and so do I.
Even if many people now have independent ideas and capital, in terms of choosing a mate, they will still inertly require the other party to have certain economic strength, stable emotional value or better development prospects.
Why does disgust for each other's "unmotivated" become an unbearable pain for people?
Needless to say, when one partner keeps moving forward while the other party stays in place, or when the two directions gradually diverge, it is essentially a sign of inconsistency in the development of the partner, and this inconsistency usually causes a lot of problems in the relationship.
The quarrels, conflicts and even relationship breakdowns caused by the inconsistent pace of partner development are essentially caused by the imbalance between the individual's growth within the relationship and the growth outside the relationship.
Psychologists have proposed a theory of self-growth called the self-expansion model.
Simply put, we have an innate motivation – to become a better version of ourselves.
And there are often two ways to become a better version of yourself, one is to grow within the relationship and the other is to grow outside the relationship.
Relationship growth means that by spending time with our partner, we have the opportunity to gain new experiences and learn new skills that enrich our cognition.
Research has shown that this intra-relationship growth promotes relationship retention and satisfaction.
In a happy relationship, we can also always hear statements like "ta makes me better" and "this relationship has brought me a lot of growth", which reflects the magic of self-growth within the relationship.
Extra-relationship growth means that we gain self-growth through personal experiences such as learning and work, and a good learning environment and a positive working atmosphere all help to improve our abilities, broaden our horizons, and bring positive emotional experiences.
When this way of growth can be balanced and complement each other, you will find that your happiness index will be high, but when the two ways are out of balance, it is more likely to produce various problems.
The papers and examples I found showed that it was not women who wanted to be salted fish, but husbands in couples.
And the husband is a salted fish for different reasons, let's look at some of these data.
In the United States, at least 1.7 million unemployed married men rely on their wives to pay for their families.
A survey conducted in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou and Shenzhen showed that 22%, 73%, 34% and 32% of male white-collar workers aged 28 to 32 were willing to become "cooks" when conditions permitted.
According to a survey by a serious marriage website in China, 44% of women are willing to marry a cook, thinking that such men will do housework, with their wives as the center, the chance of having an affair is zero, they can accompany themselves every day, and even enhance women's self-reliance and self-improvement, so that women have more energy to do what they like...
In an intimate relationship, it is easy and normal for two people to grow out of sync, and the "coping wisdom" of the relatively mature party is tested.
01 Seek opportunities for mutual growth
As the relationship continues, the "novelty" tends to decrease, so the opportunity for self-expansion from the partner decreases, and the main source of self-expansion begins to shift outside the relationship, which may adversely affect the relationship.
In this case, partners can develop new interests together and look for opportunities and activities to grow together.
For example, attending a common training course, seminar or learning a new skill.
This provides shared novel experiences, fosters shared growth, and creates more common topics.
02Turn encouragement into encouragement
Don't repeatedly humiliate, blame, or pick on your partner, just encourage him from the good part.
Even if he just makes you a delicious meal today, or accompanies your child to do homework for a while, this is helping you share the burden of life.
Let go of the requirement to be a perfect partner, take a step back, let go of others, and let go of yourself.
You don't have to work so hard every day, and you have to be idle and idle, right?
Allow two people to spend time together, silent, do nothing, play, relax, and maybe find a better way to move forward. Maybe you can enjoy the happiness of living in the moment.
03Focus on values rather than feelings
Often, the biggest emotional challenge is being willing to subordinate your feelings to your values.
Of course, whether it is the temptation of excitement or the pain of a difficult situation, it takes great courage to always surrender to the values of one's own heart to make a choice.
When you have a conflict with your partner, are distracted by anger, and say very hurtful things that make you enjoy pleasure for a short time, behave contrary to your values, but regret it later.
This does not mean avoiding your emotions, but avoiding impulsive behavior because you are controlled by emotions when you have emotions.
I hope that everyone has the ability to build sweet intimacy, while at the same time hoping to maintain a healthy self, become a strong person at heart, and go to the good together.
Finally, when I read "The Second Sex" two days ago, I saw a sentence:
"The great fortune of a man is that he, whether in adulthood or childhood, must embark on a very difficult path, but it is the surest path;
The woman's misfortune lies in being surrounded by irresistible temptation, she is not asked to strive upward, but is only encouraged to slide down to bliss.
By the time she realizes she's been fooled by a mirage, it's too late and her strength has been exhausted in a failed adventure. ”
I suddenly realized that blindly expecting the other half to improve, why is it not a "temptation"?
Hiding in the small world of intimacy and projecting your anxiety on your other half is to escape the many complexities and difficulties of life and escape the confusion of the uncertainty of life.
But over time, I also lost more initiative to face the world.
Text/Guangzhou Mangrove Psychological Counseling Center Nightcaroline