"I am a glass bottle that is good at smirking, and kindness is my unique label."
In life, we often see such a type of people: they don't like to trouble others, let alone reject others. This kind of person pulls the corners of his mouth hard all day long, raises it 45 degrees, and uses a kind face and behavior to unconditionally please the people around him.
In psychology, this is a very dangerous "alienated personality", which is also figuratively compared to a "koala personality". People with this trait are like a fragile glass bottle, which is prone to self-destruction while harming others.
"The Life of the Disgusted Matsuko"
So, why exactly did this personality form?
First, the loss of self-worth, the edge of alienation and collapse
People with alienated personality disorder usually act like koalas, do everything personally, and do not like to accept help from others; The personality seems to be upright and gentle, quiet and silent, not ostentatious, not contending.
And these should be the necessary qualities for a great achiever, but they are different from those "blockbuster" aspirants in that they are only superficially uneventful, and their hearts cannot be calm.
Moreover, people who carry their own shoulders in case of accidents do not all have satisfactory lives. The solo mode is especially unfriendly to female friends.
Karen once said, "In Haitian legend, corpses that are revived by witchcraft turn into zombies. Although they have no life, their daily life and work are no different from others. Many people who are alienated from the outside world are also like this. ”
In essence, the alienated personality is the embodiment of the loss of one's own value.
These people either cannot find their own value and are lost in the outside world; Or overestimate their own value, like gods, can only enjoy the feeling of the stars holding the moon, but cannot accept the inadequacies of others, so they live a high life and are isolated from the world.
The solemn and quiet appearance is the wall used by people with alienated personalities to isolate the world, but unfortunately, this wall also isolates their happiness, such people do not have a hundred decisive decision-making and execution power, on the contrary, they have a little-known tendency to indecision in their hearts, and things in their heads are often messed up.
They can't do the majestic calmness of "all things are self-satisfied, and the four times are happy with others", in fact, such people are not only unable to change the environment around them, but also unable to control their emotions well. Just a casual cold eye from others and an unintentional gossip from the leader can make him depressed and make the good mood of the whole day disappear.
Since it is impossible to hide in the mountains and forests, nor can it fulfill its aspirations, the alienated personality has to endlessly hate and despise worldly people, and divide the human heart into three, six, nine, and so on; They deny the world, criticize the world, doubt the universe, have a withdrawn personality, insist on going their own way, and go further and further on the road of rebellion; They may even become incompatible with themselves and eventually fall into nihilism.
This kind of person does not want to be limited by the times, let alone accept the help of others, thinking that this will bring trouble to himself in the future; The heart wants to get rid of the ugly shackles of human nature, but it has to be attached to the worldly life, and it is difficult to find a way out of real life.
But after all, people are social animals, and living in groups is a habit handed down by ancestors, and it is also the most suitable way to evolve at present. At all times, we must learn to rely on the power of others, face the kind help of others, not be too twisted and accepting, let alone self-righteous.
Even if a person is a bronze-level national treasure, without experts to discover and appreciate, he can only be displayed in the backwoods, used as a barbecue, forever lost in the smoky fire.
Second, the sadness of the family background has led to a bottomless abyss
In psychological surveys, it is not difficult to find that most people with "alienated personality disorder" have unfortunate early life experiences.
In the urban women's drama "Imperfect Her", Mu Liansheng, as a typical representative of the alienated personality, has an unbearable childhood experience.
She has been rejected by her parents since childhood, and in the eyes of her stepfather, she is just a small target for people to play and a trash can to vent their emotions.
But when she was a child, Mu Liansheng did not show any sadness and pain. For her stepfather's abuse and her birth mother's indifference, every time she smiled and said, "It's fun!" She seemed to have thought that her parents were just playing with herself.
But is she really so ignorant?
In fact, what kind of person her parents are and what kind of attitude they have towards themselves, Lian Sheng's heart is very clear.
Lotus was just afraid of not being taken seriously, afraid of being abandoned. As a result, the young mind became sensitive and fragile, and she lived as a "precocious" child. She can only fawn and avoid again and again, watching the childhood that should have been carefree slowly pass by, and also lose her independent personality.
Part of the factors that form alienated personalities is genetic inheritance.
Mu Jing, as Mu Liansheng's biological mother, has personality flaws herself, coupled with the blows of life, she has always been bottomless and flattering her new husband. In the face of her husband, who abused her own daughter, she has been watching coldly, and even acts for the tiger. Mu Liansheng has such a mother, and has been living in the ears and eyes of domestic violence, and it is difficult to form a sound personality system.
Among the clients of psychological counselors, there is often a strong, independent alienated personality, unwilling to easily trust others, and do not like to cause trouble to others, and only blindly avoid and curry favor with society, and most of them have experienced events such as parental divorce and life and death farewell in their early years that left major trauma on the soul.
Try to open up and you'll find that the world isn't as bad as you think. If you can truly integrate into life, you will not wander in pain and confusion.
Third, the secret of returning to your true self and living comfortably
In ancient times, Su Xun of the Song Dynasty already said in his "Treatise on the Six Kingdoms" the great harm of breaking the alienated personality.
The six countries were originally powerful, but they were estranged from each other, gave up the wonderful opportunity to cooperate and forge diplomatic relations, and turned to blindly curry favor with the Qin State, competing to bribe the Qin State, and finally made their own strength much worse than before; Qin Guo was not a strong man, but he could take the opportunity to fill himself in, win more with less, and easily annihilate all the six countries.
In modern times, there is a story that happened during World War II, which I believe everyone is familiar with: a Jew in distress asked his two sons for help.
The youngest son thought to himself: "I have helped so many people, just find any one, it will definitely help me!" ”
But the eldest son thought: "There have been so many people who have reached out to me, you might as well contact again, it will definitely solve the difficulty." ”
The result?
There was no news from the youngest son, and there were even people who betrayed the news and leaked the wind; Instead, the eldest son returned in triumph and helped his father get out of his predicament.
This incident teaches us a truth: those who have helped you will be willing to help you; But if you release kindness to others, don't expect too much in return.
Don't be overly preoccupied with everything like patients with alienated personalities. Seeing through is ability, and being able to let go is ability. There are gains and losses, which is the norm of life.
In life, how can you be happy everywhere. Jiang Hai does not give up the trickle, so it can become big; Mountains do not allow soil, so they can become high. Instead of using a tolerant spirit, magnanimous and confronting others, you will find that the world becomes easier in an instant.
In this world, what is heavier than Tarzan is the kindness of relatives and friends; What is more valuable than jade is the true heart of the world.
Don't be too obsessed with the authenticity of other people's feelings, leaving a piece of honesty for yourself is the best attitude to life; Don't bury your energy in the mundane right and wrong, focus on self-improvement, in order to have the ability to get through everything leisurely.
Echoing the old saying, "Life is like an adverse journey, I am also a pedestrian", and walk and sing, leisurely!