As mentioned earlier, we must manage our emotions before communicating with our children. The essence of "managing your emotions" is to respect children.
Writer Yishu wrote this sentence in "Brave New World": "The biggest mistake people make every day is to be too polite to strangers and too harsh to close people. ”
When I first saw this sentence, I was still in school and didn't feel much about it. As I get older, looking back, I can't help but think so.
We can be polite and measured when dealing with colleagues and ordinary friends, but when it comes to our families, especially our children, we often forget what respect is.
Few of my peers have parents who know how to respect their children, and my parents don't know much about that. Years ago, my mother opened my letter without permission; My dad wanted to see if the scissors were sharp, so he grabbed my hair and cut a strand; I dyed my hair after work, and when I came home for the New Year, my dad said "not good-looking" countless times... In addition to these, there are countless lessons and scoldings.
The so-called "do not do to others what you do not want", after becoming parents, most of us parents have had the idea of respecting their children, but in real life, it is inevitable that there will be times when they cannot do it. I have heard friends say more than once: "I don't want to do this, I also want to be happy and happy with my children every day, but children are really too difficult to manage." After saying it over and over again and not listening, what can I do? ”
Is there really no way?
Sometimes I talk about who has a good way of educating children, children are particularly polite and conscious, and some friends will retort: "That's his child well-behaved, replace it with my family, he collapsed early."
Collapsed. ”
I thought about it and thought that it might make some sense, so I suggested, "Do you want to read parent-child education books?" I read a book on parenting some time ago, and it was very well written. The author is an authority on developmental psychology and sometimes interacts with readers on Weibo to make targeted suggestions. I think many of his methods are good and practical. ”
Friends have their own views on this: "Theory is theory, reality is reality." The reality is that children are difficult to manage, angry with you in minutes, and no theory is useful. ”
Is this really the case? Are those "bear children" born "bears"? Are those children with strong learning autonomy born with a love of learning? Are children who are good at thinking, have a learning plan, and have a plan for the future because their family genes are good, so they are born like this?
I think not.
Ms. Li is a very good high school English teacher, as long as it is her class, the average English score of students can always rank in the top two in the same grade during the final exam. Forgot to say, she took two classes.
In addition to Teacher Li's excellent teaching strength, she is also related to her great respect for students when she usually gets along with them. She never put the teacher's shelf, and she doesn't blame students for occasionally making mistakes, sometimes making jokes about things she has done before, telling everyone what mistakes she made and how they were solved at the time. Students like her very much, and sometimes they encounter small troubles and do not want to tell their parents, but will ask her for advice.
I once asked her why she got along so well with her students, like a friend. Teacher Li said with a smile: "I think they are all smart and cute, and there is a lot to learn from me. I was just born a few years before them and had a little more life experience. ”
Hearing her words, I thought of another friend, who was also an English teacher. He once complained to us at a party: "Today's students are far inferior to our time, I don't study consciously, I don't take class seriously, I don't write homework after class, I don't know all when I take exams, I'm really distressed." ”
I asked Teacher Li, "Are you self-conscious when you study as your students?" Isn't it also all day
Stare at? ”
Licenses, I will put aside some more than do interesting homework, and sometimes let them
Get one free three, this is the homework you are interested in writing. In general, I don't have much homework, I read more than I smoke, many students will read with me in English, and our family's collection of books is almost borrowed. ”
I think that if I were Mr. Li's student, I would be willing to communicate with the ground and try my best to complete my English homework.
Writing here, I looked back at the remarks of the friend mentioned earlier. He thinks students are difficult to manage and disobedient. This "difficult to manage" and "disobedient" is very interesting. My friend's precondition for saying this is that he believes that students should "obey" and "obey."
A person who needs us to "manage" and "listen" to us, will we respect him? I think not. If we have the intention of "managing" and "obedient" our children, we will unconsciously put ourselves in a higher position, then no matter how much we think we respect our children, it will be difficult to truly establish an equal relationship with our children.
On the other hand, Teacher Li believes that the students are very good and there are many things worth learning from her, which makes her unconsciously put herself on an equal footing with the students and fully respect the students in her daily interactions with them. Students feel her respect, coupled with her own excellent teaching level, so that students' interest in English is stimulated, and they are naturally very conscious when learning, and their relationship with her is getting closer and closer. It's a virtuous cycle, and it's no wonder her students like her.
As parents, we should also learn more from Teacher Li, see more advantages in children, do not always put ourselves in the position of parents, think about "control" children, and make children "obedient".
You know, high school children are close to adulthood, many children feel that they are adults, and they need to be respected by their parents and teachers. If they feel that they are not respected, they are likely to make a big fuss, or cold war with their parents, and if parents still have the idea that their children are "difficult to manage" and "disobedient", they are likely to deepen the conflict between themselves and their children.
For a while, my colleague Xiao Mo used to call in the hallway of his office. I had no intention of prying into other people's privacy, but she was probably out of breath, so she spoke louder. A few times I heard her grit her teeth and say, "Why are you so disobedient? ...... Do you eat with boys? Do you want a face? ...... What did I tell you? No way! ......”
Xiao Mo is a single mother who raises a daughter alone. Xiao Mo is very concerned about her daughter's education, especially gender education. If her daughter has any interaction with a boy, Xiao Mo is easy to be violent, sometimes so angry that he will say something that hurts his daughter's feelings.
I once met Mo's daughter at the company's annual meeting. Xiao Mo's daughter is a very lively and cute girl, and her appearance is also very beautiful. In adolescence, if a boy of the same age has a crush on her, I think it is a normal thing. But Xiao Mo doesn't see it this way, she can't wait to completely isolate her daughter's contact with male classmates, and not let her daughter have contact with any boys. She feels that as long as there is no contact, there will be no tendency to "early love", and if the daughter ignores her objections and has to have dealings with boys, she wants to fall in love, which is "no face".
When I heard Xiao Mo say these three words to her daughter, I was shocked. When facing our colleagues, Xiao Mo is very friendly, always smiling and soft-spoken. At one point, I thought she was the best-tempered person in the company. Hearing her call with her daughter, I think she probably took all her bad temper out on her daughter.
As a colleague, I can't interfere with Xiao Mo's family affairs, but every time I see Xiao Mo go out to call, I can't help but pinch a cold sweat for her daughter.
One afternoon, Xiao Mo went out to answer a phone call, and then hurriedly ran into the office to pack up his things, saying that he wanted to take a leave. We asked what was wrong, and Xiao Mo said, "Just now my daughter's teacher called me and said that my daughter had gone out of the school wall. I went back to see if my daughter was home. ”
Later, we heard from colleagues who were familiar with Xiao Mo that Xiao Mo scolded her daughter that day, and her daughter couldn't figure it out for a while, so she planned to run away from home. When Xiao Mo found her daughter at the train station, her daughter said that she would go out to work, support herself, never spend Xiao Mo's money again, and never want to see her again.
The example of the Xiao Mo family is more extreme, most of us parents will not treat their children like her, but from her, we can also understand some truths.
Children are also human beings, individuals with thoughts and feelings, not the private property of their parents, and we cannot try to control them, we cannot ignore their feelings.
Respect is always mutual, and if we don't respect children, we won't get the respect of children. Families where parents and children do not respect each other will inevitably have quarrels and conflicts. Children are vulnerable to us, and they are mentally immature, and they are very likely to take extreme measures to deal with conflicts in the face of contradictions. At that time, it was too late for us to regret it.
Of course, I also heard many of my peers, even the younger generation, say: "Children are not so fragile, I was often scolded when I was a child, and I was quite healthy psychologically, without any trauma." "All I can say about this is that they are lucky. If they put their ears up a little straighter and made themselves a little more empathetic, maybe they will hear that there are still many people who say "parents are waiting for their children to say thank you, children are waiting for their parents to say sorry", "parents are a scourge", "lucky people enjoy childhood all their lives, unfortunate people heal childhood all their lives" ...
We can't guarantee that our children are "King Kong not bad bodies", and even if our children are "King Kong", what harm is it to be gentle with them?
As parents, we must learn to respect children, respect their personality, their privacy, treat them as an independent individual, and communicate with them as equals. Only in this way will children trust and respect us, will they be willing to share their hearts with us, and our relationship with children can become more peaceful and healthy.